What not to say:

[thunter]

Not that someone had said this too me, but I still found it insensitive. I was researching D&C online and found a brochure titled "So you are having a D&C..." followed by a cartoon. Really!?! When is a D&C ever funny?

 

[AndysGirl09]

A friend of mine told me that I'm lucky I didn't have my baby because
being a mom is hard.

It really hurt my feelings but I didn't say anything to her.
Now i'm thinking I should before she says it someone else.

 

[Livia]

I can't imagine what could be funny about a D&C, either, least of all when you're about to have one done... Maybe I can make dark jokes about it a in some years time, but I doubt they'll come without a tear or three...

Andysgirl, if she was a friend of mine I'd tell her. Anyone who finds it too hard, can get themselves some contraception...

 

[whyme]

MMC, scan last monday, (week ago), weds tablet, etc - just had a well meaning soul (friend) on phone saying well would you have really wanted a child that deformed, how lucky i am to have Max (even if he would prob be my only one!) and why dont I go and have a nice cup of tea!!! OH could see my face, handset was away from my ear at this point, got the general gist of chat - disappeared to kitchen and returned with a glass of brandy for me lol.

On another note - day after the scan ( i hadn't slept all night either), another mate, text was I ok now, how her OH had a skin infection and was antibiotics - if they didn't work he may have to go to hospital!!!!

On that note, i may need another brandy, just to calm my nerves re the skin infection lol

OH and I are actually sat here laughing!! know these people mean well, but what's life like on their planet! lol

 

[kermit4]

It brings a tear to my eye to read these... some people are really, really thoughtless, or scarily venemous. These are somehow easier to dismiss. My reaction is just to avoid having to talk to that person again.

One work colleague who lives life in her own ego-centric bubble congratulated me on my pregnancy two weeks after my miscarriage. OK so she hadn't heard but when I told her what had happened with what I felt was remarkable composure and dignity (if I do say so myself) SHE proceeded to burst into tears and then babble on about her period was making her hormonal and how she was finding it hard to cope with her children and their father was being difficult... WTF? nothing like un loading your problems onto someone who has enough of their own?!

Another told me that I looked like I had lost weight. I think it was supposed to sound like she was concerned I wasn't eating because of the grief but I felt like shouting "YES I HAVE JUST LOST THE WEIGHT OF MY 14 WEEK OLD BABY!!"

Needless to say I give both these people a bodyswerve wherever possible.

It's the other people that really break my heart. I can see that they want to say something helpful but often what they say belittles your experience. I think they want you to brush it aside for them so they don't have to feel uncomfortable and have it hanging over your conversation. Sadly we often agree with whatever they say at the time and then seethe about it later on.

Worse still, are those that really should have something to say but can't. Rather than tell you that they don't know what to say and that they love you and they are sad for you, they often don't say anything at all for fear they will upset you by reminding you about what happened. As if you could forget? as if it leaves your thoughts for a minute?

Either way, it is the sad fact that we, as those that are going through the pain, need to be the ones to help those around us get through it to. We need to show them that we want to talk about our BABY and not just our miscarriage. We need to show them that, yes it is a painful time for us and there probably will be tears but they are tears we need to shed. After all, until we sadly had to experience the pain, did we really know how painful it would be?

As for good things to hear... there is nothing that will ease the pain of it but any aknowledgement of the baby and of the love that the mother and father feel for it is strengthening. A simple "I'm so sorry for the loss of your little one" is all that is needed.

 

[kermit4]

And on that note...

You ladies here all deserve huge

I'm so sorry for all your losses, each one was a precious soul and each one was clearly loved. Your posts here are testimony to that.

Stay strong when you can and feel sad when you need to and try never to let any of these hurtful comments deepen your sorrow for too long.

Love strength.
K.x

 

[Levi's Mommy]

I think some people could take some tips on these...some people just don't realize when someone has a miscarriage you don't want to say these to that person. I've had them said to me.

 

[anryan]

Hi I've had 2 miscarriages and totally understand where you are all coming from with regards to what to say and what not to say. I will never forget what I have lost but I am afraid that I did use the phrase 'it wasn't meant to be' when talking to others about what I had been through. Maybe it was a coping mechanism for myself at the time and certainly I had to get my husband through it as he didn't want to talk about it at all and still won't discuss our loss. I am also a student midwife and as such had a lot of experience of miscarriage through my training and sometimes it's easier for a woman to come to terms with a miscarriage by looking at it that way rather than having to make a terrible choice of a termination at a later stage should a scan reveal something worse with the development.

I hope that I'm not offending anyone here as I totally understand your pain and loss having been through it as well but we all have different coping mechanisms. If someone says something that you find hurtful after a miscarriage don't hesitate to tell them so but sometimes they don't know what to say themselves which is why cliches get used.

Anyway I just want to wish everyone well and good luck with TTC. x

 

[thelistkeeper]

I heard almost all of those things... sad.. really...

 

[Kte]

My Sis will be going through this soon, she had a scan today and was told there were 3 sacs but all are now empty and expect to miscarry soon, she would have been 9+5. Either way it's awful as she has lost her 3 babies. I want to say something to her like, they were loved in their short little lives, gone but never forgotten. I have already said I am here for her if she needs me which I am, I just don't know if I should acknowledge the loss still, if it is the kind of thing to be said and should I just say it or would something like a card be inapropriate? I don't want to 'rub it in' not the right words, maybe 'make to much of a fuss or statement' and re-open any wounds but I don't want to dismiss it either. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Major for you all & good luck for the future xx

 

[lightweight]

I think I've probably heard most things on here that are things not to say - but I reckon that friends/ family / colleagues just want to say something.

Several people have said " at least you know you can conceive" but that doesn't tell me if I can carry to term..

worst one last week - which was on day I was due to have had 12 week scan - I thought I'd go to hairdressers to cheer me up. Hairdresser was chatting - asking if I had kids and then said I was lucky not to have them as I could have sleep, do what I want - holidays etc. I really had trouble holding it together. Didn't want to tell him what had happened but wanted to scream - " I don't feel lucky"!

 

[Sydd]

I think worst I've had was my friend saying 'shit happens' wanted to punch her in the face........

 

[2016]

My BF just came out with the following gems:

"Your problem is you worry too much" so I said stress doesn't cause mc. And she said "stress does a lot of things"

"You shouldn't have done that long drive yesterday" (2 hours through scenic countryside each way)

"At least it was early (bleeding started @ 4w3d) mine was much worse at 6 weeks"...now I am not taking anything away from the pain of losing a baby later on, but this is not a contest! This was my baby, my hope and dream and it still hurts like hell.

"Well at least it wasn't ectopic this time".....whoopideeedooo let's throw a party...ps it might still be ectopic

 

[Teddysbaby84]

I lost my baby in November and I always think about the baby. What I heard the most is "you are still young, try again in a few years." I wanted my baby

 

[Libra Mariah]

Yestarday I miscarried after being 6 weeks pregnant. (I really didn't know that I was pregnant at the time because I got BFN's from the first day after my missed period up until yestarday when I miscarried.) My instincts was telling me that I was pregnant, because I knew my body was showing symptoms that I had never experienced before. For some reason I just continued to listen to doctors tell me that I was not pregnant because I thought they knew more than me. I guess If there is a next time I will know to rely on my own instincts.

Anyways I was totally devastated to be finding out that I was miscarrying. Most of the day consisted of me crying hysterically. My aunt was the only one with me because my mom doesn't drive and my husband was out of town. My mom and my aunt told everyone in my family and that really didn't bother me because I am really close with them all. However I did hear things such as these quotes you mentioned many times over and over considering that I have a huge family. I know this may sound weird but I kind of think it helped me get through the day. I say this because, I had been NTNP for 2 and a half years without any results. I had began thinking that I would never be able to get pregnant. DH and I would have given anything for this pregnancy to have resulted in a healthy baby. The only thing that could make me stop crying was to hear everyone calling me, telling me that atleast now I know I can get pregnant. It gave me hope and something to look forward to. DH left his business trip as soon as I told him what was going on. For some reason he thought that I was stressed by him being on the business trip and that is why I MC. He began saying that it was his fault. I finally explained to him that it was neither one of our faults. Now we are both ok.

 

[Libra Mariah]

The hospital that I went to was similar to the one that you went to. While I was being pushed through the hospital in a will chair, I was passing people who were getting ready for delivery walking back and forth down the hall ways. All I could do was burst out crying even more after feeling jealous that they were about to deliver a healthy baby and I was MC. It also felt terrible when I was leaving, because when I was leaving there was also a lady who was taking her baby home for the first time and all I was leaving with was my purse. I would never wish MC not even on my worstes enemy.

 

[housewifey]

yeah i had a horrible experience in hospital too...
i was in epu to check if baby was okay and midwife said she was sending me down for a scan and to come back up with the results afterwards. scan shows that we lost baby at 11+1 and she sends us back up to epu. so midwife walks back in and says "oooh it looks like you've got a healthy 10 week baby here!" all excited for us of course, my face said it all. all i could mutter through tears was "that's not what she said downstairs." midwife ran out apologising and came back in 10 minutes later saying she had picked up somebidy elses notes i know it wasn't her fault and mistakes can be made but you REALLY should be careful with things like this. hope all you ladies are doing okay

 

[LucindaE]

I had a mmc myself once, and I had to call in to send all you girls and to say that I am sure you will go on to have those babies, just as I did, though I realise that for many of you it is too early for you to want to think of that, so I hope that doesn't count as the wrong thing.


LucindaE
xx

 

[Lucia]

"It's probably because you don't enough red meat" has to be my favourite so far (good God, what would make someone say that?!)

 

[Kaylakin]

One of the things my friend said to me was that she could relate because she had a "rough first trimester" and that her sister had a MC. I think her heart was in the right place but she really should have known that she cannot relate. It is NOT the same thing at all - you have a healthy baby and my baby never came to be -- there is a HUGE difference. Why can't people just say, "I'm sorry," and not try to pretend they know what you're going through when they don't?