What not to say:

[KatyS1981]

When I had my first miscarriage one of the women I worked with asked me if we'd found out if it was twins or not when I had my D&C, nothing anyone says makes you feel any better but somethings people say make you feel even worse, xx

 

[rach247]

Heres a few future classics that I got when I lost my baby on the 17th dec:

Well you have 4 kids already a bit selfish to have another anyway when there are people who can't have children.

Well it wasn't planned so its not as much of a tradegy as if you had been trying for a baby.

At least its out the way before xmas.

I just hope none of these people have to go through this because then they will realise just how awful the things people say are sometimes.

 

[Perdita]

I got two wonderful lines today for the new year:
maybe you're just not meant to have a baby
and
you can try again and nothing to say next one will be deformed or sick or anything

Some people.

 

[Melle]

Recently the comment that still plays over my head was when I was in hospital and the male psychiatrist was reading outloud the notes with me from this other female psychiatrist.

I had commented that I was upset, and that having a child would have indeed changed my life mostly for the better. Because when I was pregnant I noticed that emotionally I felt stronger, and the depression I have had for 3 years was gone. I didn't feel depressed once. So being pregnant had also given my hope.

The female psychiatrist said to me that I was being manipulative. She also wrote down on the note that I had a FANTASY of my life getting better because of a child.
That line just hurt me, it still does. The male doctor reading it out loud stopped and skipped a few pages.

 

[Livia]

Melle, that makes me sick. Some of this psychiatrists should go sweep the streets for a living or something. It's a well-documented effect that many people feel better if they have something to take care of, be it a job, a pet or a child. I think it's also common for women to lose weight when pregnant at first just because they finally do start eating healthier (big motivation). So I see no reason why you shouldn't feel better and stronger while expecting. I think it's common sense... some people just don't seem to have any... doh!

 

[loveisnthere]

The worst thing someone said to me when I lost my baby was, Did you secretly have an abortion and lie about the miscarriage. That was from my best friend...

 

[Livia]

bfff... I guess that comes from most people not knowing how common miscarriages are... I wish that'd change. Alas I haven't the courage to just tell most people. Next time I'm pregnant I just might try to raise a bit of awareness for this issue.

 

[onwardsupward]

I had my miscarriage three weeks ago and I must say im feeling more positive about trying again and looking to the future, not to say that I have forgotten the one I lost because he/she will remain in my heart forever. I can write this note because I do feel more positive and I can totally empathise because I have been there. Whilst some people are just down right nasty and can't show compassion and will never know the grief a miscarriage causes, some just don't know what to say, so please don't be too harsh on your loved ones, they love you and only want to do/say the right thing x

 

[scaredmum2be]

- It was for the best
- At least you know you can get pregnant
- Something was probably wrong with it
- Maybe God knows you are not ready to have children
- You're trying too hard. Just relax, and it will happen.
- Take my kids for an afternoon, and I promise you won't be so sad about losing the baby.
- Be glad. Having a baby changes your life; think of all the fun things you wouldn't have been able to do anymore.
- You should just be happy you have one/two/three children already. You don't need anymore.
- it was just a blob of cells. It wasn't a real baby.
- You're young. You'll get pregnant again
- It happens all the time; it's nothing to worry about
- At least you weren't very far along
- It wasn't meant to be
- It probably happened because ______________.


all these words never helped me an the ones said all this to me made me not want to bother in trying to explain.

people said to me well least you can have children in the future i was like i wanted the baby id always wanted on that pregnancy now im pregnant again thinking i couldnt be pregnant again its just not the same.

the hospital never told me i was miscarriaging so that made it worse but for them to say say 1 in 8 pregnant women miscarry an then shove a piece of paper in my face to say where i wanted the baby to go its like wtf

if someone has miscarried ive learnt that they deal with it in there own way of grieving just say your there to listen when they need you.

i never thought id get over the one ive lost i still remember it and always will do but i cant let it bother me although sometimes it does cos im preg again so its harder.

some come on Lord and give all the people on here some hope so cos thats what we need

 

[ALH28]

I lost my 1st pregnancy on New Years Eve at 6+1.

My mother in law said to me on the phone today...
"at least you were only 6 weeks, I was 12 weeks when I lost my 3rd pregnancy and it was much worse for me; I had already had a scan and had told people"

I actually had a scan at 5+6 and saw my baby's heartbeat, had also told my family and close friends!!

Really, some people should learn when it is best not to say anything apart from "I'm sorry"!!

 

[Livia]

Sorry to hear that, ALH, all of that!

I do think it must be harder the further along you are, but because you have time to bond more. Possibly harder still if it took considerable effort and time to get to conceive... but I think it'd be like comparing loads of pain with mountains of pain, I think.

To be honest, I think next time I'm pregnant I'll tell *all* close family and friends, and coworkers, just in case it goes bad again... so that I won't have to pretend and they'll leave me a bit of space.

 

[Beadette]

It's hard when people say the wrong thing even though you know they are trying to say the right thing! I feel like it's ok for me to try and make myself feel better but when others say things like "at least you know you can get pregnant" and I want to say "so what - that doesn't mean I'll keep a baby" I know they mean well so i don't get mad but DH's gran said "your midwife will have known Your baby was dead when you went at 9 weeks" WTF!! How would she know? She's a midwife not mystic friggin meg!!! That annoyed me - as if she would have known and arranged my scan for 12 weeks and to come and see me at 14 weeks! So heartless although she didn't seem to think that was insensitive!

 

[HappyJacky]

I lost my 3 weeks ago at 9 weeks; today would have been 12 weeks and I know I must stop thinking like that, for my own sanity.....

I had all the usual comments, but one friend did say something that actually made me feel 'better' and so I thought I'd share it with you.

She said "take time to grieve" and for once I realised someone out there actually understood it was not just a 'few cells' but my little one, and that he/she had died. Whilst the pain of the loss can't be taken away the acknowledgement of that loss was a great help.

We've since met up over a glass of wine and she said to remember that the loss you feel isn't just emotional, but in the early stages it is physical and hormonal too, hence the depth of your emotions

Anyway OH and I are back TTC, I'm early 40s and don't want to wait months to restart, I need to get as much as possible back to 'normal'.

So to all.

Jx

 

[kay_and]

I don't post much on here, but I'm always lurking around, when I saw this I had to post some of the comments I have been getting....I M/C just a week and 2 days ago...

Like others have said the male OB, yet very nice and did try, just did not make me feel better. He kept saying "You know you can get PG now" "You are still young" "Don't let it discourage you" and best yet, I asked if my factor V could have caused it and he said "No usually M/C's from Factor V result in the 2nd or 3rd Trimester" and then followed with "Don't let it discourage you" I was like Oh that makes me feel better.

But the worst was from one of BFF (which shes the type who is not settled down yet and is not even thinking about having a kid for years and years so I KNOW she doesn't understand) but she TEXTED me...she texted me, didn't even call, and said "I heard your Baby X-mas presant didn't work out" (bc we found out right before xmas and told everybody on xmas day) I just felt like she just thought it was some object that I got for x-mas and ...oh well...it didn't work out. darn.

really made me upset.


And my other BFF emailed before I m/c a nasty email about me getting PG and her not being PG and how would I feel if I was the only one in our group of friends not PG. And we were supposed to get PG together and shes sorry if she can't be happy for me, and her and her husband aren't having kids anymore, they are just going to stick w/ themselves since everyone else has kids bc no one can go out with them anymore bc we have to worry about our kids

.....5 hours later I started bleeding and M/C.

She's been emailing me about "If I need to talk she's there for me, and thats what BFF are for, and luckiliy it happened early on. And keeps putting status updates on facebook about being best friends and being there for eachother.

Well she wasn't there for me when I was PG and she definitely didn't act like a BFF then. GRRRRRR

 

[Luella]

My OH wouldn't accept that Poppie was a "real" baby at first as I was about 6 weeks gone and he said it was just a bunch of cells and not much. That really hurt. But since he realised what he was saying (and got to grips with things) he's said sorry.

I'm SICK of people telling me it happens to so many people but does that make me feel better for the loss of my twins? No!

 

[LeaArr]

I hate when people say "it was just a bunch of cells" as what are we all if not a "bunch of cells"? That is usually my response to people when they say that to me too.

 

[NovemberRayne]

My OH *really* hurt my feelings a few days ago, without realising it... We support opposing football teams (Arsenal/Spurs) and we were joking about my friend who swapped her team support to that of her husband's once she got married

He was like, oh that's how it should be done, a woman should take her man's name and football team and I said something along the lines of that would never happen with me. I'm not changing teams and I'd buy little Arsenal babygrows for the kids too

he then says... that's reason alone why you and I should never have kids - my face fell

I got all grumpy... he realised what he said and apologised A LOT and I *know* it was said in the spirit of banter but I can't shake it off it keeps playing in the back of my mind!

----

My manager at work was worse today, she wasn't very happy that the GP signed me off for another 2 weeks she said that I should 'be strong and get over it, it was an embryo, only a clump of cells, not even a baby' thankfully I was on the phone and she couldnt see my tears

 

[Foogirl]

I think the biggest problem is there is never a one size fits all "right thing to say" It very much depends on the individual.

But of course, there is very definitely a wrong thing to say. I wonder why people feel the need to do that?

he then says... that's reason alone why you and I should never have kids - my face fell

I got all grumpy... he realised what he said and apologised A LOT and I *know* it was said in the spirit of banter but I can't shake it off it keeps playing in the back of my mind!

----

My manager at work was worse today, she wasn't very happy that the GP signed me off for another 2 weeks she said that I should 'be strong and get over it, it was an embryo, only a clump of cells, not even a baby' thankfully I was on the phone and she couldnt see my tears

Oh my. That must have been awful for you but also for him. I can just imagine the realisation washing over him of what he said. These things often slip out when mucking about, with absolutely no thought process whatsoever. I don't think he really meant anything by it, but I can see why you would worry. I hope you get the chance to have a good chat with him about it to ease your fears.

Your manager is a bitch and deserves a good slap. In fact, as your boss she definitely can't say things like that to you. Have you thought about talking to HR about her?

 

[Lincoln Girl]

im sick of people saying things like 'oh it was probably something or nothing' meaning it wasnt a real baby!!!!!

im sick of it.

 

[ttcgeordie]

iam glad some one has posted this up i lost one to ectopic 11 months ago i too had all the comments like
it was meant to be
at least you have one more tube???? wtf thanx
be greatful for what you have ( meaning the other 2 kids that from my own hubby)
start trying straight away your more firtile now you lost one as your hormones thanx good bit of advice but not when your still lying in a hospital bed!!!!!
you didnt even know you were pregnant ( i only found out the day before my ectopic but in that day i had planed every thing and even started looking at baby web sites lol like this one )


some people dont even know there saying things like that i have probs said it nefore with out realizing

we are TTC have been for 10 months and a friend asked me if i was doing it rite the other day!!!! WTF she claims the first time she never went for a toilet after sex was when she got PG AAAAAHHHH ok rant over but thanx for listening and all the best for the future xx