What not to say:

[develange]

Wow. I've heard almost all of those. It kills me what people have the audacity to say.
And each of them sting equally as bad.
Think most of them come from people who don't have children or have never miscarried at all.

 

[mummy2anangel]

yeah ive heard all of these but the worst 2 were:
you can always have more............... erm hello i wanted this baby
maybe it was a blessing in disguise................. yeah beacuse im so blessed to have lost my baby

i think its best not to say anything at all if you can say anything nice

thoughts with all of you angel mummies xxxx

 

[Mummy2Angel.]

mummytoanangel, ive heard both of them quite alot lol. I think the one ive had the most is that ' you can always have another one' its so upseting.

We have all lost our babies, and people just think its so easy to replace them

But if a woman lost her husband we wouldnt say to her ' you can just go and get a new husband' you wouldnt dream of saying that would you? i mean she could go and get a new husband but you wouldnt say that....so why do people say to us we can go and get new babies ?

 

[Hollybush75]

I have to put down what I hate the most - when people don't acknowledge your loss. After my first loss I went back to work where they all knew why I had been away. One lady refused to look at me for weeks, some people carried on as normal and I would be standing there screaming on the inside "why don't you just ask me how I am".

As Mummy2Angel said, if someone had lost a living relative then they do get asked how they are doing, am thinking of you, etc but I'm just truly amazed by the number of my colleagues and friends who just ignored it totally. Yes I get the fact that they could be worried about how I would react but it is lovely to hear people asking how you are because they are actually acknowledging my lost babies and how much I am hurting.

to all

 

[bluesky]

Things ive heard that are really not helpful.

"My sister went through that when she had her abortion" eeeeeekkkkkkk not what I wanted to hear really but I know she wasnt saying it to be horrible I guess its just that she wanted to share what she knew about it....

Also

" So and so had 3 miscarriages then had a baby, oh but then she died cos she got ovarian cancer " aghhhh

I here the same old thing "it was ment to be" perhaps it was but I dont need to hear it.

x

 

[Rikki]

My own MOTHER said to me (while I was still in the hospital having lost my baby at 19 weeks due to my membranes rupturing and me getting a severe infection in my womb) "You should get your tubes tied while you are in there".

I don't think I have ever been so hurt in my life!

 

[Jody R]

My own MOTHER said to me (while I was still in the hospital having lost my baby at 19 weeks due to my membranes rupturing and me getting a severe infection in my womb) "You should get your tubes tied while you are in there".

I don't think I have ever been so hurt in my life!

That was a terrible thing to say to you

 

[mushmouth]

these have probably been seen a million times over but

"you're young... you can try again"
"atleast you know you can get pregnant"
"there was probably something wrong with it anyway"

are all the wrong things to say.

I KNOW its hard to say the right thing, but most of the time "I'm sorry" is all we need...

also to add, I too waited in the room with pregnant ladies heading in for their happy scans... and in the EPAU was plastered in pregnancy leaflets and the only magazines where about your bump and you...

my all time favourite was the sonographer who said "I see no evidence of a pregnancy, so you may have Miscarried" no shit sherlock, I've been bleeding for over a week before you guys could fit me in and i KNOW i passed by baby at home, terrified. So you saying that makes me feel like a fraud!

took the scan pics to EPAU who said yes we can see your lining is thicker and everythng stretched.... UGH

 

[Onika]

The nicest thing anyones said to me came from my mother in law...she just plain and simple.."I dont know what to say so i am just going to sit and hold your hand." and she did.

That is all you need someone to hold your hand no advice no comfort words just warmth from the heart.....

 

[Jody R]

The nicest thing anyones said to me came from my mother in law...she just plain and simple.."I dont know what to say so i am just going to sit and hold your hand." and she did.

That is all you need someone to hold your hand no advice no comfort words just warmth from the heart.....

That's lovely, wish everyone could get it so right.

 

[clairew4]

The nicest thing anyones said to me came from my mother in law...she just plain and simple.."I dont know what to say so i am just going to sit and hold your hand." and she did.

That is all you need someone to hold your hand no advice no comfort words just warmth from the heart.....

aww what a lovely thing to say

 

[Sofiekirsten]

The worst one was from my step-mum, i got pregnant at 16 by accident but i can around to the idea of becoming a mother....

i was 8 weeks pregnant and i didn't tell anyone but my boyfriend at the time anyway.....

i started having a miscarriage in the kitchen and i was in the worst pain ever and everyone was like take some tablets your probably having you period....

in the end i blerted out that i was pregnant and i was bleeding - anyway a few hours later the hospital confirmed i was miscarrying and my step mum said....

"It was probably your stupidity that killed that thing inside you! You stupid girl!"

I understand i was 16 but i had no intension of having an abortion and it really hurt!!

But in the end i had the best thing ever said to me during the time i was miscarrying - my best friend said:

"No matter where I am, No matter what time of day or night, No matter who I am with I am a phone call away, infact you will stay at my house with me and we will have a girly night in and I will pamper you because I love you, You are my best friend and if you don't want me to pamper you, I have a very good shoulder for you to cry on"

In the end I did cry on that very good shoulder and after a good talk with her she did pamper me....

By giving me a full body massage and she ran me a nice warm bath with aromatherapy candles, aromatherapy music and a lovely bottle of wine....

She has never had a miscarriage herself but she was so understanding and I am now happy to say she has a lovely little girl named Alexandra who is also my God-Daughter

Ladies, I understand the horrible remarks either intensional or unintensional. But you all give me inspiration to try again with now my fience to finally have a special baby of our own.

xxx

 

[Starry Night]

I feel I must be strange as so far I've already heard many of the typical "what not to say" comments and I find them sort of comforting. I like knowing that I can get pregnant (though now I want to learn I can carry one to term). I know there was something wrong with the baby which gives me hope that it isn't my body that is broken and there's a chance that I might have a healthy baby yet. I believe in God so I know there's a reason (will probably never learn it) and that it wasn't meant to be (still hurts though!). I think it helps that the people saying them include a "sorry for your loss" and acknowledge that my baby was a person. That makes all the difference.

The best I heard yet was from my best friend whom I've known since babyhood. She's living overseas and wrote that she was sobbing all morning because she loved Lil Peanut too. It meant soooo much to me that someone else loves my baby.

 

[SteffyRae]

i was eleven weeks on the day that is late. i had plans thought i was in the clear. now everyone is being insensitive "well it wasnt your time""maybe god knew you went ready" coming from my fiance and my whole family and friends not one person "are you okay" even the doctor was like "its a fetus not a baby"

 

[tillymint]

I miscarried at 7 weeks in February, and I learned a valuable lesson - to be careful what you say to people - no matter who or where they are - as you can't be certain that your lighthearted comment won't hurt them. Let me explain...

I had been bleeding for a while and, after ringing NHS Direct, I was advised to go to the local hospital to see the Out Of Hours GP. He was pretty useless, and I had to drag information and advice from him. He said it could be a miscarriage but that I'd just have to 'wait and see'. How comforting. I asked if I needed to go home and take it easy, or if I should just carry on as normal. He advised the latter.

To try to take our minds off it, hubby and I went for a wander around a local soft furnishings store. I was in a fair amount of discomfort - like bad period pains - and understandably was feeling delicate. A young mum of about 19 years old was chasing her young daughter around the store and trying, unsuccessfully, to catch her. As the little one passed me I smiled, and as her mum followed her she looked at me and said 'never have kids'.

In all fairness to her, she could in no way have had any idea what I was going through at that moment in time. But at the same time I felt unbelievably hurt. It made me realise how often we make small talk or flippant comments in jest with passersby or other people in the supermarket checkout queue...how do we know how our comments will affect them?

At that time I just felt like saying to the young mum, 'be grateful you have a lively, beautiful daughter to chase around, others aren't so lucky'.

 

[cla]

i lost my baby at 17weeks at the end of feb and a 15year old girl over the road was due 2 weeks after. well her step dad asked me the other day if i would take her to have her scan and that she will find out what she is having.
i was thinking what a kick in the teeth and i felt like smacking him one. if i cant go and have a scan im not going to take someone else

 

[KA92]

You know the nicest thing someon has said was my best mate ash. After miscarryong jamie she dragged me back to the world. After Taylor she let me stay at hers. Baby A hit her hard because she was supposed to be godmother

it was then that she said "I can't begin to feel your pain, I'm not even going to try to understand it. What I will do is love you and your babies forever"

and my oh who said "I can't say anything so I won't" instead he held me.

Guess sometimes the nice remarks help when the bad ones hurt

 

[nevaehsmommy]

ive heard most of those i have to say that the best one came from my mother who didnt want me to have the child because the baby was going to be mixed race, she asked what the babys name was and i told her nevaeh and she ask what? i said you know heaven spelled backwards. and she said that it was all to perfect for her because shes in heaven looking down on us.

 

[housewifey]

I cannot believe there are 22 pages on this post! The amount of horrible things that each of us has had to endure is disgusting when we are going through such an emotional experience.

I have posted a few times before on here but even now 6 months on unfortunately I have a new one

From my wonderful mother in law (to-be) we dont get on and were having an argument and she came out with "so what you had a miscarriage, it happens to hundreds of women! god didn't want you to have a baby so deal with it" when i confronted her about it after she denied saying it...

Hope all you ladies are well, stay strong xxx

 

[JASMAK]

It's funny, now that I am pregnant, people assume that I didn't care. Someone said to me..."and you made such a fuss when you miscarried all those times, and now you must feel silly" Nice. Nope...don't feel silly. I feel guilty for having another, and sad. Thanks tho.