What not to say:

[Starry Night]

Congrats on your pregnancy, jasmak! That is really horrid that people said those things to you. A lost child is a lost child. A parent never forgets.

I've started to hear a lot of "it could be worse" comments. What??? And of course I lost my baby the same week we lost our car to an accident and DH lost his job (everyone knows this). Even if those other things hadn't happened, who says that to someone who lost their child???? Yes, I know I still have things in my life to be grateful for but my baby. Is. Dead.

And every time someone has said "it could be worse" something else has gone wrong. My credit card has been "compromised", someone dinged our rental car in a parking lot and we have to pay for it and we have a racoon in the attic. I'm half expecting to come home and find our house has burned down. No more "well-wishers" please! I'd laugh, but it's not really funny at the moment.

 

[Lucky777]

Please dont think I am nasty when i say this but its really something to think about and maby it is wise to thank God for the children you do have.

If my miscarraige was God's Doing or perfect plan for something (i dont know why a baby should die???) then why let me get pregnant in the first place?? i've had 1 ectopic and 2 miscarraiges in 10 years!!!! and no children! i am 30 years old so no i'm not young and do not have plenty of time!!! i also DONT have a child, i have NO idea how it feels to carry a baby to term and hold my child in my arms so i would say that if you have children be gratefull there is lots of women out there that dont have children and might not even be as lucky to have 1!!!!

Having a miscarraige is horrible to anyone!! But its worse for someone that has none!
And all they want is 1 baby.

 

[Beanbabe]

Please dont think I am nasty when i say this but its really something to think about and maby it is wise to thank God for the children you do have.

If my miscarraige was God's Doing or perfect plan for something (i dont know why a baby should die???) then why let me get pregnant in the first place?? i've had 1 ectopic and 2 miscarraiges in 10 years!!!! and no children! i am 30 years old so no i'm not young and do not have plenty of time!!! i also DONT have a child, i have NO idea how it feels to carry a baby to term and hold my child in my arms so i would say that if you have children be gratefull there is lots of women out there that dont have children and might not even be as lucky to have 1!!!!

Having a miscarraige is horrible to anyone!! But its worse for someone that has none!
And all they want is 1 baby.

In my opinion that is a nasty comment - really really nasty. I am gratefull for the children I have but because I have children am I not supposed to grieve for the children I have lost. Does me having children somehow make those losses insignificant.

this thread is "what not to say" and you dont say "oh its worse for me because i dont have any children". Its not a competition.

Being gratefull for the children you have and greiving for the ones you lost are not mutually exclusive. You can do both at the same time

 

[BlueFairy]

I was told to expect to have a mc last Wednesday by the docs...i told one of my work colleagues (the only one at work who knew about my pregnancy) who said:
"Well a friend of mine had loads of mc but after 10 years of trying she's finally had a baby, so there is hope for you!"...yeah great thanks for that!

I also told one friend that I was expecting to MC soon and how scared I am about what's going to happen, she said: "Having a mc is really painful, I've had one before...it was the most painful thing that's ever happened to me"..again thanks for that...

It hasn't started yet but I am really scared...and secretly hoping that somehow the docs have made a mistake and my final scan on Wednesday will show a baby miraculously ok....I'm not holding out much hope!

 

[littleturnip]

I found out on friday that baby died at 9 weeks
when I told my little sister all she said was "well, those early mc are very common, the next one will be the one"
really? if you don't know what to say, just say that you're sorry and that you'll be thinking about me... that's really all I need to hear, I don't know why people think that telling you stuff like that will cheer you up.

 

[foxforce]

I was told to expect to have a mc last Wednesday by the docs...i told one of my work colleagues (the only one at work who knew about my pregnancy) who said:
"Well a friend of mine had loads of mc but after 10 years of trying she's finally had a baby, so there is hope for you!"...yeah great thanks for that!

I also told one friend that I was expecting to MC soon and how scared I am about what's going to happen, she said: "Having a mc is really painful, I've had one before...it was the most painful thing that's ever happened to me"..again thanks for that...

It hasn't started yet but I am really scared...and secretly hoping that somehow the docs have made a mistake and my final scan on Wednesday will show a baby miraculously ok....I'm not holding out much hope!

Hi BlueFairy

Sorry about your news, I have recently had mc started last tues and just about got through it now. I was 6 + 5 when it started - not sure how far on you are but I wanted to let you know that everyone experiences of mc are so different. I was suprised at how the pain wasn't as severe as I read others have had also I didn't bleed heavy either, was like a heavy period and only passed when I went to the toilet.
The worse pain was like I had been over exercising my abdo muscles it did feel like they had been torn and hurt to cough, take a deep breath or sneeze but after 3 days it eased, still tender now but I was expecting to be bent double over in agony with bad cramps.
It's a horrendous experience but I just wanted to try settle your mind into thinking it may not be as bad as you expect

I haven't really faced anyone to experience any bad comments yet so I may be back once I return to work

All the best to you and your family and best of luck and lots of baby dust for the future

Claire x

 

[Rabbittchild]

Hi Blue Fairy,

I'm so sorry, I just wanted to add like foxforce that mc don't have to be the agony that ppl tell you. My first mc was at 6+4 and was essentially painless, just some stomach cramps like period pain. My second mc at 10+5 was painful, in the evening I had what I imagine to be contraction like pains that were quite bad - I found it hard to speak and wanted to curl up, but not constant, I had some heavy bleeding and then the next day I was fine and after that just had a light period flow.

So please don't be worried, it is different for everyone and hopefully you won't experience much pain.

LittleTurnip - my sister said the same thing to me, along with "my boyfriend's cousin had like 4 miscarriages and now she's got 8 kids" - thanks for that! I think they just want to try and give you hope but it would be better if they just gave you a hug or as you said, said they were thinking of you.

 

[moochacha]

I found out on friday that baby died at 9 weeks
when I told my little sister all she said was "well, those early mc are very common, the next one will be the one"
really? if you don't know what to say, just say that you're sorry and that you'll be thinking about me... that's really all I need to hear, I don't know why people think that telling you stuff like that will cheer you up.

Awww I'm really sorry hun

 

[moochacha]

I've had 4 Miscarriages and 1Still born and my sister said to me the night of my last miscarriage "Stop thinking about it so much, if you stop thinking about it the baby will come" omg I was so fricken hurt and upset because it was the night after my D&C so I was druggy anyway and it was the day before hubby and I went for karyotyping tests etc. RAWR I don't think stop thinking about having a baby is going to help me bring a baby home from the hospital!!! I felt like yelling "FUCK YOU" to her. Sorry for the bad language but it still hurts me.

 

[tryforbaby2]

Grrr! I have heard quite a few of them dumb comments.

 

[JASMAK]

Please dont think I am nasty when i say this but its really something to think about and maby it is wise to thank God for the children you do have.

If my miscarraige was God's Doing or perfect plan for something (i dont know why a baby should die???) then why let me get pregnant in the first place?? i've had 1 ectopic and 2 miscarraiges in 10 years!!!! and no children! i am 30 years old so no i'm not young and do not have plenty of time!!! i also DONT have a child, i have NO idea how it feels to carry a baby to term and hold my child in my arms so i would say that if you have children be gratefull there is lots of women out there that dont have children and might not even be as lucky to have 1!!!!

Having a miscarraige is horrible to anyone!! But its worse for someone that has none!
And all they want is 1 baby.

If you lost your mother, would you like it if someone said, "well, maybe you should just be thankful you have your dad?"

Do you think I love my four children that died, LESS than the ones I have? This thread is here for SUPPORT, not knocking people and belittling their emotions and all that they have gone through.

I have lost FOUR babies in the four very painful and difficult years I tried to get pregnant. Shame on you for being so heartless and rude!!!

 

[Rowan75]

my sister in law who is due in 7 weeks said to me the other day "oh well you think you feel bad now, be glad you're not as big as me, imagine how uncomfortable you'd be you've no idea what its like to be this pregnant"

was it rude of me to say "no I dont, but at least you'll get to have a baby" ?

 

[moochacha]

my sister in law who is due in 7 weeks said to me the other day "oh well you think you feel bad now, be glad you're not as big as me, imagine how uncomfortable you'd be you've no idea what its like to be this pregnant"

was it rude of me to say "no I dont, but at least you'll get to have a baby" ?

No she was insensitive. I probably would have said far worse than you.

 

[tryforbaby2]

my sister in law who is due in 7 weeks said to me the other day "oh well you think you feel bad now, be glad you're not as big as me, imagine how uncomfortable you'd be you've no idea what its like to be this pregnant"

was it rude of me to say "no I dont, but at least you'll get to have a baby" ?

No it wasnt rude at all! Did anyone ever watch the movie 'Juno'? Where the girl says to the lady that she is lucky she's not the one pregnant! I cried at that little part! People dont think and they are downright cocky!

 

[tryforbaby2]

Please dont think I am nasty when i say this but its really something to think about and maby it is wise to thank God for the children you do have.

If my miscarraige was God's Doing or perfect plan for something (i dont know why a baby should die???) then why let me get pregnant in the first place?? i've had 1 ectopic and 2 miscarraiges in 10 years!!!! and no children! i am 30 years old so no i'm not young and do not have plenty of time!!! i also DONT have a child, i have NO idea how it feels to carry a baby to term and hold my child in my arms so i would say that if you have children be gratefull there is lots of women out there that dont have children and might not even be as lucky to have 1!!!!

Having a miscarraige is horrible to anyone!! But its worse for someone that has none!
And all they want is 1 baby.

I'm sure we all thank God above for the children/child we do have and are eternally grateful to him for our blessing(s). I do feel the pain for others that do not have any children. I do, I really do. And I try to be sensitive to their feelings.
My good friend Beckie is 38 years old, no boyfriend/husband and cries every once in awhile that she didnt have the opportunity to have children (hasnt been in a relationship in many years) and she fears its too late for her. Because she has no children I did what I thought was the next best thing, I asked her to be the godmother of our next baby (which ultimately we lost, but will try again and ask her again)and she can spend as much time as she would like with the baby. She was extremely happy and will be again when I fall pregnant again.
Even though I feel for so many women out there who do not have any children as of yet, it is not okay to make the rest of us parents feel like our loss's are not as important to us or to God because others haven't had a child. Maybe what you said was out of anger or because you are upset or just because thats how you feel but I still feel my 12 week old baby passing away is just as important as yours or anyone else's loss and hurts us personally all the same.
I wish you luck and sticky baby dust for ttc, because we do deserve to have what we most dream of. After 10 years of ttc hopefully you'll be blessed very soon with a healthy baby or two!

 

[tryforbaby2]

BTW, since tickers do not show up, I have a child (DD) who is almost 6 years old. I was young when I had her 19/20 and didn't get to enjoy the pregnancy because I was scared and just out of college. Now we have been ready and trying since last summer, took us 10 months of active TTC to get pregnant then I MC baby at 12 weeks last week. I didnt want such a gap between my kids.

 

[Tiff]

When someone miscarries a baby, its a loss and it doesn't matter if they already have children, its devastating.

We should be supporting each other, rather than trying to turn it into a competition of one up-manship or "who does it hurt more". Comments like that are very hurtful. Just because other people have children doesn't mean that they shouldn't hurt as bad as ones who don't. We all grieve and mourn differently.

 

[NeyNey]

Please dont think I am nasty when i say this but its really something to think about and maby it is wise to thank God for the children you do have.

If my miscarraige was God's Doing or perfect plan for something (i dont know why a baby should die???) then why let me get pregnant in the first place?? i've had 1 ectopic and 2 miscarraiges in 10 years!!!! and no children! i am 30 years old so no i'm not young and do not have plenty of time!!! i also DONT have a child, i have NO idea how it feels to carry a baby to term and hold my child in my arms so i would say that if you have children be gratefull there is lots of women out there that dont have children and might not even be as lucky to have 1!!!!

Having a miscarraige is horrible to anyone!! But its worse for someone that has none!
And all they want is 1 baby.

I agree with Tiff. It is certainly not a case of "I hurt more than you do"

I think you really need to rethink your post before posting in such a sensitve area of the forum. Please do not assume, just because someone has children - which I am sure they are eternally grateful for...that they should somehow feel less for the loss of a child than someone who has yet to experience motherhood. I have had miscarriages, and although I am expecting now, I have yet to "hold a baby in my arms" as you put it....Yet never in my wildest dreams would I try to take the pain a mother with children feels and dismiss it as less than mine. A child lost is a tragedy and it makes no difference if you have or don't have children already. Would you tell someone who has never walked, that he has less right to feel sorry for himself than someone who loses the ability to walk in a horrible accident in the prime of his life?

I am terribly sorry for your losses, but please remember we all here feel the pain you have felt. Not simply those who haven't had children, but all of us. We support eachother here as a whole....Not based on their family status.

 

[Foxybabyhg3]

I'm getting them just now-the old favourites: "At least you know you can get pregnant" and "Just forget about it and relax and it will happen"
1-I don't know I can get pregnant as I was on cycle 4 (and my last) of Clomid + Metformin-I'm on Met for diabetes 2-so don't know if it was the met, the combination or just the Clomid that worked, so, no, I don't know, not really.
2-Unlike the 23 yr old that told me to relax-I don't have the luxury of realxing and forgetting about it-I'm 36 next month and we've been trying for 10 yrs so trying to not think "Oh today is day 16 of my cycle I should ovulate today" and not noticing EWCM on a loo visit is kind of impossible!

AAARGGH-Sorry-rant over. I lost mine at 4+4 less than 2 weeks ago

 

[sequeena]

This: At least you know you can get pregnant and the 'you're young, you've got ages to have kids' excuse

I'm currently going through my second miscarriage