What not to say:

[Mellybelle]

Hi all, I just thought I'd share this. This was a message sent to me by a friend on facebook. She isnt a close friend of mine but I thought this was lovely.

I heard what happened and just wanted to let you know that my thoughts are with you and your family. I cant imagine how you are coping at the moment but if there is absolutely anything that I can do please let me know.
All my love

It made me realise that people do care and understand. I think if anyone had mentioned anything about my baby not being in "gods plan" or something similiar I'd have punched them. I believe at one point I mentioned to a friend that God lets these things happen because "He is a sick (eff word)"
I must say that all of my family and friends and workmates have been amazing.
As time goes by I am becoming less angry with the universe and I'm sure that one day someone will say something insensitive to me, and when it happens i'll be able to let them know it was insensitive without being angry.

 

[lightweight]

I had a great one last week. Someone at work, who I think was genuinely trying to be nice, said - it was probably better the way things turned out. Now I'm settled in new house and not worried about moving (I found out i'd miscarried the first time on the day we moved) then it would all be better. I just wanted to punch her, but didn't say anything and I think she realised it was a stupid thing to say. Especially when I miscarried again 3 months after the first one

 

[Megg33k]

I haven't read them all, but I thought I'd add 2 that I've gotten.

I'm sure its been said but "Everything happens for a reason."

And, the best (read worst) I've been told... "Maybe it would kill you to have a baby or something and this is God's way of keeping you alive." Oh.. gee... thanks for that.

 

[Kess]

"Natures trial run" bugs me, I've had that from several people.

"You're both still young, you can try again" - well yes, that's true, but that doesn't bring back this baby or save me from the physical difficulties of the miscarriage, or make anything better, in fact.

My MIL said this weekend "At least now there's not such a rush" when we were talking about getting a few things done in the house. I know she thought it was too soon for us to get pregnant, but really. I'm trying not to think to hard about this one because I know she means well and it upsets my DH when I'm mad at MIL.

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

at least you know you can conceive.
next time will be sticky

I heard those 2 tonight and I wanted to run screaming. You would think the stinky one would be +, but really for me its not. No one can guarantee the next baby will be, so why say that? These were said to someone by someone that had a loss too, gah how i want to smack some people.

OR DH the other night...
Well now we have more time

no. no. no.

 

[lightweight]

"You're both still young, you can try again" - well yes, that's true, but that doesn't bring back this baby or save me from the physical difficulties of the miscarriage, or make anything better, in fact.

.

I've had a few people say - "you've got time" I then tell them I'm 39 - and they just say "oh"!

(not being modest I know, but I don't look my age - doesn't help with this!)

 

[Starry Night]

I hate hearing, "Maybe you should think about adoption". Um, we've been trying for under a year and this was my first miscarriage. And we're both under 30. Thanks for the support.

Of course, I do think the idea of adoption is lovely and I'm open to it even if/when I have kids of my own.

 

[Megg33k]

I'm adopted! I think adoption is AMAZING! It doesn't mean I'm prepared to give up on having children of our own yet though. I get that a lot too... even more annoying due to people saying things like "At least with adoption, you're giving a home to a child who really needs it instead of bringing another one into the world with so many who need families..." That sort of thing... but then they get to tack on to the end of it "... you should understand that!" Uhm... I do, thanks! What's worse is that I have no desire to meet my biological family... So, having a child is my ONLY chance of ever meeting someone who shares my blood/genetics! But, that just prompts them to tell me I should find my biological parents and adopt a child. Makes me want to commit senseless acts of violence!

 

[Becca L]

My dad's reaction to our second miscarriage was memorable

"did you do anything unusual to cause it?"

Yeah dad, I injected heroin into my eyeballs for twelve weeks and went paragliding. Stupid idiot!

 

[EllBell]

Hi
Just thought I'd add what my brother in law emailed me

It is totally natural and common and happens to lots of women especially as its your first pregnancy and so early on (I was 10 weeks and had already seen a heartbeat on an early scan)
AND
You just need to try harder - and your husband will really enjoy the trying part

How rubbish is that?? Although all of my other friends and family have been amazing - can't expect everyone to be so good.

 

[Leanne020807]

Why do people say "its for the best"

It dont feel like it, i would do anything to get my bean back. Even the people at hospital say it!

"their must have been somthing wrong with it"

I dont care if there was somthing wrong it was mine and i want it

At least i know what not to say even if others dont!

 

[BeautifulD]

I've had the same problem with one of my so called freinds today...... it sucks!!

 

[Megg33k]

Why do people say "its for the best"

It dont feel like it, i would do anything to get my bean back. Even the people at hospital say it!

"their must have been somthing wrong with it"

I dont care if there was somthing wrong it was mine and i want it

At least i know what not to say even if others dont!

I feel precisely like that!

 

[Lucy1973]

People will ALWAYS say the wrong thing as they haven't been through it, and they think they are helping. I have got to the stage now where if someone says the wrong thing to me, I will quite publicly disagree.....I get fed up with pretending, when I actually want to scream.

 

[Starry Night]

I only truly get upset when I feel like the person is belittling my grief or trying to brush me off because the topic makes them uncomfortable. When someone is truly trying to be helpful I don't mind them saying these otherwise-unpleasant things. It really is the thought that counts. Though on already-bad days it can be overwhelming.

 

[kanga]

well next time you get pregnant, you are just going to have to have bed rest from the start

WTF mother!!

 

[Megg33k]

OMG! Bedrest from the start? I think not!

 

[ever hopefull]

My best/worst comment from a friend who was calling to tell me she was pregnant was "but a miscarriage is just the same as having a period" WTF!!! I just wanted to `put her straight' but knew it wasn't the right time, her being newly PG and all.......... It still rings in my head and I can't bring myself to call or even text to see how she is - I know she didn't mean it in a hurtful way but it REALLY hurts, so insensitive - and incorrect too!!

 

[reversal]

My best/worst comment from a friend who was calling to tell me she was pregnant was "but a miscarriage is just the same as having a period" WTF!!! I just wanted to `put her straight' but knew it wasn't the right time, her being newly PG and all.......... It still rings in my head and I can't bring myself to call or even text to see how she is - I know she didn't mean it in a hurtful way but it REALLY hurts, so insensitive - and incorrect too!!

hope she never has to experience a miscarrage then, some people are so ignorant

 

[muddles]

Before getting pregnant with Oliver I had two early mc so huge to all of you.

The few people that we told about them were lovely gave me a hug and said they were there to talk if I needed to. Well all were supportive apart from my mum! My Mum was on holiday when I had the second one and she happened to send me a text the day I started bleeding and I replied to her text saying that I really needed a hug. When she got home I told her why I needed a hug and her exact words were 'well you shouldn't have tested so early.'

Oh and when I got pregnant with Oliver I was sent for an early scan due to bleeding but they couldn't see anything other than a yolk sack so a repeat scan was booked for two weeks later. When I told my Mum the results of the second scan she told me I shouldn't be getting my hopes up as anything could happen and that she thought I was becoming a bit obsessed with pregnancy and with having scans!!!!!! Hmmmmmmm obv now Oliver is here she has conveniently forgotten about all that.