What not to say:

[Leanne020807]

My best/worst comment from a friend who was calling to tell me she was pregnant was "but a miscarriage is just the same as having a period" WTF!!! I just wanted to `put her straight' but knew it wasn't the right time, her being newly PG and all.......... It still rings in my head and I can't bring myself to call or even text to see how she is - I know she didn't mean it in a hurtful way but it REALLY hurts, so insensitive - and incorrect too!!

She would soon change her tune if it happened to her, what a stupid thing to say! i can understand why you havent got in contact with her!!

 

[Whitbit22]

I just want to reiterate number two on the list. "At least you know you can get pregnant"

Can you believe, of all people, a doctor said this to me today!? SERIOUSLY?! Also, birth control was mentioned, I said there was no way after 3 years I was going back on the junk! Then she said, well you know you can get pregnant right now, right? I was shellshocked. As if I didnt want to? I smiled and acted like I never heard it, when really I was and still am absolutely SEETHING.

 

[Megg33k]

OMG! That's awful, Whit! What a bitch!!!

And... You can get pregnant after a loss? Who knew?

 

[Whitbit22]

OMG! That's awful, Whit! What a bitch!!!

And... You can get pregnant after a loss? Who knew?

Thanks hun.

I know, I was fighting the urge to laugh to be quite honest.

 

[hippylittlej]

My doctor told me that it happens to 1 in 4 women and so I shouldn't worry about it.

Yeah thanks for that, I know it happens to other people you idiot.

On the other hand I have had some lovely message and one friend sent this.

"The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.

The little one we longed for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts
Says that we do love you."

Love and light Jen xxx thinking of you both. You know where I am if you need anything xxx

I have so many lovely words from people.

 

[Whitbit22]

That's beautiful, thanks for sharing. You are lucky to have a great friend!

 

[Megg33k]

That's the RIGHT thing to say! I wish more people knew that! Its really lovely! Thanks for sharing, honey!

 

[reversal]

My doctor told me that it happens to 1 in 4 women and so I shouldn't worry about it.

Yeah thanks for that, I know it happens to other people you idiot.

On the other hand I have had some lovely message and one friend sent this.

"The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.

The little one we longed for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts
Says that we do love you."

Love and light Jen xxx thinking of you both. You know where I am if you need anything xxx

I have so many lovely words from people.

what nice words everyone should have one friend like this

 

[hippylittlej]

I am very lucky and it makes me feel that some people really do understand how painful it must be even if they haven't been through it themselves.

 

[sawdust4brain]

its really hard losing a baby, its also hard having a termination. its even more hard when you have a miscarriage and you hear the nurse telling the other nurse your having an abortion. i know a miscarriage is a forced abortion (in the dictionary) but its not the same.
i also think people mean well and just dont know what to say, sometimes its best to say nothing.
sometimes a big hug and a cup of tea and a chance to talk about it is good too.

 

[SassyLou]

Hi,

It's my first time on here, but here goes.

We found out on Friday (20th) when we went for a scan that, after a couple of days of light spotting, at 8 weeks pregnant there wasn't a heartbeat (the pregnancy sack had continued to grow and measured 8wks). We decided to come home and wait for nature to take its course. I started bleeding very heavily Sunday evening and finally passed the sack Monday morning. This was my fourth pregnancy, completely unplanned but very exciting (I'm almost 39!!!). It felt like the most horrific ordeal of my life and my heart absolutely aches when I read the stories on here.

Anyway, my husband noticed on his facebook newsfeed this morning that his (adult) niece had posted a comment on my wall. Here's what not to put:-
"Hi, when do you find out if you're having a boy or a girl?"
We are informed by my husbands sister that she's sure she told her what's happened!

As you can imagine we're suitably upset by this comment!

Love to you all out there, it's nice to know we're not alone, but breaks my heart to know how many people are going through this tragedy.

xxx

 

[reversal]

my niece (who is 8) wrote on my face book "is your baby really dead" and someone else (from work who I dont see much) wrote do you still have morning sickness. both comments were so hard to stomach

 

[SassyLou]

Oh dear, not good!!!

My husband (who's been incredibly supportive) is more upset by the comment than I am. For all it hurts, I'm really really angry, particularly as we'd not told everyone that we were expecting so expected having to explain what had happened to people who didn't even know we were pregnant in the first place. Luckily the post was removed pretty quickly. I think I must be in anger stage of grief (I'm an ex psychiatric nurse so I over analyze) because I'm livid!!!

Thanks for your reply and really sorry for what you've been though and what was said to you xxx

 

[Whitbit22]

Thats awful! Anyone would be pissed after that. So sorry people are so insensitive.. it breaks my heart to see all this, knowing what absolute asses people can sometimes be. to both of you

 

[lilwelsh1]

I have had so many ridiculous comments from people lately. many of the ones named above. the one that upsets me the most is off a friend who is in early pregnancy, she said: Oh im so sorry i havent been to see you, i felt too guilty because im still pregnant and you are not!! also: you are so brave to be going through this, i could never do all the waiting around you are doing (that was said during the 48 hourly hcg bloods, like i CHOSE to do this!!) I have had plenty of 'be grateful for the 2 u have'- yes but i would be on the way to having 3 if you dont mind! the worst is when people very quicky change the subject as soon as im asked how im doing. if you dont want to know please dont ask. sorry just venting here. Thankfully there are small few who have just listened and said im sorry you are going through this. I know people dont know what to say and i know they mean well but it still can be quite shocking to hear.

 

[lilwelsh1]

and just to add my cousin sent me a lovely message saying:

I'm so sorry for your loss, your angel baby was too precious for this earth.

Bless her heart. I have had a fair few lovey words of comfort from many people which far outweighs the silly things people have said, thank goodness for those people, most of them had been through this themselves so understood.

 

[BlueBoo]

Hi, just thought I'd add my little gem from Sunday night. I went out to a pub for the first time since my mmc in June, been dreading going out to a public place and seeing friends (haven't told many people outside the family), and one lovely 'mate' said "Why aren't you pregnant yet?"

Don't think I'll be going out again any time soon.

 

[sequeena]

Bit OT but sort of on top too

We saw a cab adviser today who said my OH is not entitled to working tax credits as he earns too much however he would get them if we had a child.

Just made me think about how inadequate I am

 

[svetayasofiya]

My biggest annoyance is when people promise you it won't happen next time... I know they mean well, but absolutely no one can promise that!

Also, a few weeks after the mc, we had a friend over for dinner (who is in a state of gaga because he just became a dad in April). Well... apart from the mc a series of really crappy events happened, the mc being the worst, and I was having a down day and posted as my status on Facebook: Worst. Summer. Ever. He says to me 'so why is your summer so horrible?'. I just looked at him and said angrily: 'Uh, because I lost my baby'. *Dumbass.

People just don't understand if they haven't been there.

 

[lilwelsh1]

My biggest annoyance is when people promise you it won't happen next time... I know they mean well, but absolutely no one can promise that!

Also, a few weeks after the mc, we had a friend over for dinner (who is in a state of gaga because he just became a dad in April). Well... apart from the mc a series of really crappy events happened, the mc being the worst, and I was having a down day and posted as my status on Facebook: Worst. Summer. Ever. He says to me 'so why is your summer so horrible?'. I just looked at him and said angrily: 'Uh, because I lost my baby'. *Dumbass.

People just don't understand if they haven't been there.

I know what u mean. I was chatting to a mate on msn and he said how have u been so i just said oh i have been having a really bad time lately. he said i had noticed u were upset from your facebook statuses but it cant be any worse than mine.
I had actually put on there in one of my comments that i miscarried.
He had broken up with his girlfriend so i simply said I lost a baby. He said that definately tops mine!
well eerrrr yes I think it does in all fairness, I almost giggle about it out of sheer surprise!
I understand people dont know what to say as i wouldnt know what to say if i had ever experienced mc before, but sometimes digging your self a hole is not good.

I still cant believe my friend who is pregnant avoids seeing me, like mc is contagious. I saw her in my street today I told her she could have popped by n she looked at the floor mumbled something about not realising and looked the other way! she used to text all the time if she was over this way. odd behaviour.