What not to say:

[mas]

I only MC on monday but so far I got
- Something was probably wrong with it
- You're young. You'll get pregnant again
- It happens all the time; it's nothing to worry about
- At least you weren't very far along
- It wasn't meant to be

I wish people would just say its a horrible experience and sorry u had to go through it!

 

[Megg33k]

How is 13 weeks "not very far along"?!?! That's bullshit! 13 weeks is when we're told we can finally breath a sigh of relief and feel less scared. Saying that its not very far along is just awful! I'm so sorry!

 

[mas]

How is 13 weeks "not very far along"?!?! That's bullshit! 13 weeks is when we're told we can finally breath a sigh of relief and feel less scared. Saying that its not very far along is just awful! I'm so sorry!

Thanks for your comment, I did retaliate I had just started relaxing and enjoying my pregnancy in fact I had gone with my parents for a break away in the cotswolds when it all started happening! I was then told yeah but what if u had a baby which was disabled!!!! GRRRR! I said I wud love it and want it just the same!!!!

Thanks for replying! at least its not just me thinking its not a nice comment!

 

[Megg33k]

How is 13 weeks "not very far along"?!?! That's bullshit! 13 weeks is when we're told we can finally breath a sigh of relief and feel less scared. Saying that its not very far along is just awful! I'm so sorry!

Thanks for your comment, I did retaliate I had just started relaxing and enjoying my pregnancy in fact I had gone with my parents for a break away in the cotswolds when it all started happening! I was then told yeah but what if u had a baby which was disabled!!!! GRRRR! I said I wud love it and want it just the same!!!!

Thanks for replying! at least its not just me thinking its not a nice comment!

Its definitely not just you! Its an awful comment. No loss should ever be diminished... and that's not what I intend to do... but "early" to me is a chemical or less than 6 weeks along. That's early. 13 weeks isn't early, and don't you let anyone make you feel like you're in the wrong for being heartbroken. I'd be a mess!

 

[My Peanut]

I had a D&C and I was short of 13 weeks. I can't believe some people. I wish you could tell them what you really feel inside when they say crap. Sorry for your loss. *hugs*

 

[Beanwood]

I only MC on monday but so far I got
- Something was probably wrong with it
- You're young. You'll get pregnant again
- It happens all the time; it's nothing to worry about
- At least you weren't very far along
- It wasn't meant to be

I wish people would just say its a horrible experience and sorry u had to go through it!

I am so sorry for your loss. I was 13 weeks aswell. I think i had all of those comments aswell, all of which are insensitive. Mine happened nearly 3 weeks ago. I have gone back to work and everything has gone back to normal around me, but i am hurting inside and wondering if i will ever get pregnant again.

I really hope that you are giving yourself lots of tlc and that you have people around you who are supportive. I have found ranting on b & b a real help. You can say how you feel to people that understand.

xxxxxxxx

 

[Megg33k]

If you gals need some extra support from some great ladies, I have a thread in TTCAL called "Race for the BFP"... We've gotten really close and they all know what you're going through. Several have had losses similar to the 2 of you. The whole thread is about working through your feelings and helping others work through their feelings as well... because we're all kind of in this together. We hate to know that new people are suffering, but they're very welcoming and supportive. Feel free to pop by for e-!

That goes for all of you ladies. We have people from all different experiences. Someone in there will know how you feel.

 

[Beanwood]

Thank you. I will do that. XX

 

[StaceyPreedy]

My own doctor said to me "at least you have one already" as well as "being so soon after your first im guessing it wasn't planned anyway" (erm yes it was very planned and very wanted), "those that haven't had any kids at all find it much harder"... really.

 

[jol]

i had all these comments to its sooo hard to make peoplke understand how it feels esp if there not going through or been through it themselves, i have in one week found out i was 4-5 weeks preegnant then also that i was losing it oh my days its so hard any help on how to get through it i have a very supporting partner x

 

[Megg33k]

You just take it one day at a time and try to keep breathing! I have a thread in TTCAL called "Race for the BFP"... There is an AMAZING group of women (and 1 guy) over there that are SO supportive and really do understand. Feel free to come in and ask outright for some help in coping. We've all been there! (I hope people don't mind me "advertising"... but its only for the greater good! I get nothing specific out of it!)

 

[jx6]

Positive things to say:
- I'm here for you.
- Really sorry to hear what you're going through.
- Sorry to hear that you lost your baby.

I agree it's impossible to know what to say to someone, and the majority of people who say the comments above don't realise that they can come across as being insensitive.

I think the important thing to understand is that people don't want to brush away or "forget" what's happened to them. If someone's mum died, you wouldn't say "maybe it was for the best", or "at least you've still got your dad". It's the same in this instance. We want our babies to be recognised as beings in their own right... not a bundle of cells or as "the product of pregnancies"!

Thanku
You've hit the nail on the head,you couldnt be more right thats exactly how I feel.
Wishing you all thr best

 

[jx6]

I agree... with you ladies.. the right thing to say sometimes is nothing at all.. be there to listen to us.. be the shoulder we run to.. let us talk.. dont tell us it wasnt meant to be.. everything happens for a reason..my SIL even told me.. I dont know what Id do without my baby.. *that isnt helpful!!*

This is my favorite poem/saying!!!

"Don’t tell me that you understand.
Don’t tell me that you know.
Don’t tell me that I will survive,
How I will surely grow.
Don’t come at me with answers
That can only come from me.
Don’t tell me how my grief will pass,
That I will soon be free.
Accept me in my ups and downs.
I need someone to share.
Just hold my hand and let me cry
And say, “My friend, I care"

Perfect thank you

 

[grandbleu]

I agree... with you ladies.. the right thing to say sometimes is nothing at all.. be there to listen to us.. be the shoulder we run to.. let us talk.. dont tell us it wasnt meant to be.. everything happens for a reason..my SIL even told me.. I dont know what Id do without my baby.. *that isnt helpful!!*

This is my favorite poem/saying!!!

"Don’t tell me that you understand.
Don’t tell me that you know.
Don’t tell me that I will survive,
How I will surely grow.
Don’t come at me with answers
That can only come from me.
Don’t tell me how my grief will pass,
That I will soon be free.
Accept me in my ups and downs.
I need someone to share.
Just hold my hand and let me cry
And say, “My friend, I care"

Perfect thank you

Yes very PERFECT...it actually made me cry...

 

[cherryglitter]

"You wouldn't have wanted a baby that had anything wrong with it now"

 

[Megg33k]

RE: us being really cautious about me doing anything in order to avoid losing this new baby and my husband doing most of the work around the house...

My Dad: "You've got no idea what you've gotten yourself into, yet you keep doing it!"

We had to go through IVF for this... It was the hardest thing we've ever done. And, to point out that we have to "keep doing it" aka "keep getting pregnant"... It really stung!

 

[puppycat]

'Maybe next time you'll use a more reliable form of contraception' thanks Emergency Gynae nurse

 

[KateC]

I think the best thing to say is,

"I'm so sorry."

Then to ask

"Do you want to talk about it?" or "How are you doing?"

If you just acknowledge that you understand there is loss and disappointment and sadness in a miscarriage, and then listen, you can take your cues from what she says to know how to support her better.

For example, I feel very strongly that it helps me to think that I didn't lose a baby. That there never was a baby. I know this is the opposite of what a lot of women feel and what a lot of people here need in order to heal, but everybody is different. When I talk about it, I talk about my disappointment, about the loss of my happy expectations, about my sadness that something I wanted isn't going to happen this time, and about my fear of the physical side of my impending miscarriage.

Someone else might talk a lot about the loss of her baby or her angel, and that is absolutely, 100% as valid a response as mine, but different.

If you show you care, and if she's willing to talk, just help her by supporting her in whatever way she needs to process her loss.



I got "it's probably for the best" from someone, too, and it wasn't the right thing for them to say, but I'm sure they just wanted me to feel that kind of hope and positivity so badly that it spilled out. I imagine "I'm going to have a miscarriage." Isn't the easiest thing to respond to on the fly.

 

[Hevalouaddict]

Right things to say.........Sometimes no words or needed just a hug or a touch can say a thousand words.
Well thats what i found

xx

Agree completely, I always get well atleast you'll fit in your jeans again. I was having a laugh saying I couldn't fit in my size 12s but I was soo happy just to be carrying. People are just insensitive especially when they have no idea what your going through

 

[BumpRequired]

my mum actually said 'give your body a break, you dont want more after this do you - you already have 3' - thanks mum