What not to say:

[grandbleu]

If you gave maternity clothes to a friend that suffered a miscarriage. Please don't ask for them back...it adds insult to injury and makes me feel like, "Oh well she doesn't need them anymore she's not pregnant and she's not getting pregnant any time soon". It will hurt the person more than you think...it's not just clothes...it's clothes that I should be able to wear right now...you gave them as a gift to me (yes they were yours and so second hand) but you said they were mine now. Don't ask for a gift back just because I'm not pregnant anymore

 

[Megg33k]

Liz... She really is very, very wrong for what she did!

 

[twinkle1975]

If you gave maternity clothes to a friend that suffered a miscarriage. Please don't ask for them back...it adds insult to injury and makes me feel like, "Oh well she doesn't need them anymore she's not pregnant and she's not getting pregnant any time soon". It will hurt the person more than you think...it's not just clothes...it's clothes that I should be able to wear right now...you gave them as a gift to me (yes they were yours and so second hand) but you said they were mine now. Don't ask for a gift back just because I'm not pregnant anymore

Thank you for this thread - no one knew I was pregant when I miscarried - which brought its own issues - I hope I say the right things when people tell me but your advice has helped xx

 

[Sunshine31]

Don't do what my sister in law did and send a group text to me the day after my ERPC with pictures of her "perfect baby at 20 weeks". Very quick way to make me feel like a massive failure! x

 

[Megg33k]

@ people!

 

[grandbleu]

@ people!

Agreed...there's been a lot of people this week! I can't believe the insensitivity. So sorry sunshine

 

[Eternal]

ive had a few of these already.

for the right thing to say, Im sorry, how you doing, or even just a hug.

i dont want people to talk to me, i want them to listen or just let me know they care.

some people are so insenstive but its not like they mean to be, ive understood that noone wants to hurt me, but saying, its for the best, really doesnt help, or your body wasnt ready, or these things happen for a reason. Really dont say, well your still young, esp if you dont know the persons medical history.

my SIL knew i went into surgery yesterday, and today posted a picture of her breast feeding, writing breat is best and all that. for me it was hurtful for a family memeber to do that the day after i had my baby removed, after only losing it on wednesday. as i say im sure she didnt do it to hurt me, if it had been a friend i wouldnt have thought anything of it but i wouldnt have done that to someone so early on if i knew.

Just say im sorry and only offer your time etc if you mean it, dont ignore the person, even if you dont know what to say a hug speak a thousand words.

 

[Megg33k]

I know its not helpful at all... but the breastfeeding thing is a "nurse-in" on FB to try and act out against FB deleting accounts for BF pics as "inappropriate"... However, it is still VERY insensitive. I can't argue with that.

 

[Eternal]

Thanks, hubby abd i discussed it last night and decided i was over reacting. I think it hrt because it was so close abd she has never had her avatar a picture of the kids before. But i guess i was super over senstive.

 

[LeeC]

Think the worst one I have ever had was from my sister-in-law, when I called her distraught just after my 3rd miscarriage, she said:

"calm down" then said she would need to call me back because she was busy with her kids

talk about a slap in the face, especially as she has had a m/c herself

How quickly people forget

 

[bostonblonde]

People are just so insensitive.

I hated it when a girl I worked with simply said, "I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason." There was absolutely no reason for me to lose my first, let alone 3. I take good care of myself and my DH and I want a baby more than anything. Yet people who don't even want kids get pregnant accidentally and give birth to healthy babies every single day! Where's the reasoning in that??

 

[LeeC]

It's so true, even one of the nurses at EPAS said this to me, she said she found it so unfair that she sees women like us, who do everything by the book, going through this time and time again, yet some people don't give a damn, drink, smoke, do drugs throughout their pregnancies and have babies left, right and centre.

Maybe, I'm just feeling a little hard done by at the moment and need to stay focussed and positive.

It's all so sad though xxx

 

[Eternal]

i totally agree, and feel the same. its so unfair why it happens to us when we did everything right.

we hate it everytime the phone rings atm because almost everyone says something you wish they hadnt. i really really hate the, "well your very young still" What? does that make it any better, and its not like i am actually "really young" im 27 (miscarraiged on my birthday) and my husband is 30. its not exactly old but we arnt all that young.

i think some people forget how hard it is to get pregnant, it took me 8 months to conceive my baby so its not like we can just get pregnant tomorrow. arh! some people.

 

[grandbleu]

I agree ladies with everything you've all said...it seems sometimes the world works opposite to how it should. It seems like all the lovely ladies here who've had a loss were the ones that were not drinking, smoking, taking drugs but eating well, exercising, planning a life for a baby etc.

for us all...it definitely proves that life is NOT fair.

 

[Megg33k]

I really hate being told how "young" I am... I'll be 30 in a month. Yes, its "not old"... but its also "not young"... Young is late teens/early 20's, to me.

Screw "everything happens for a reason"... The next time someone says that, ask them about the Holocaust. It shuts people up pretty quickly.

 

[Eternal]

I really hate being told how "young" I am... I'll be 30 in a month. Yes, its "not old"... but its also "not young"... Young is late teens/early 20's, to me.

Screw "everything happens for a reason"... The next time someone says that, ask them about the Holocaust. It shuts people up pretty quickly.

Its the fact i cant figure out why people think thats helpful.

One person said your body clearly wasnt healthy enough right now she said i know you have had problems in the past etc etc. yeah ive had problems getting pregnant! so someone telling me I did this because i wasnt healthy enough isnt very nice, esp as we are going to TTC right away. imagine what she will say if i got pregnant and lost it again!

 

[Megg33k]

I really hate being told how "young" I am... I'll be 30 in a month. Yes, its "not old"... but its also "not young"... Young is late teens/early 20's, to me.

Screw "everything happens for a reason"... The next time someone says that, ask them about the Holocaust. It shuts people up pretty quickly.

Its the fact i cant figure out why people think thats helpful.

One person said your body clearly wasnt healthy enough right now she said i know you have had problems in the past etc etc. yeah ive had problems getting pregnant! so someone telling me I did this because i wasnt healthy enough isnt very nice, esp as we are going to TTC right away. imagine what she will say if i got pregnant and lost it again!

RIGHT? Its NOT because you aren't healthy enough! That's crap! There could be a billion reasons it happened... and almost all of them have nothing to do with you! Its just awful when people don't think before they speak!

 

[Eternal]

I know, i mean, i think most of us blame ourselves for everything, but I know its not because i wasnt healthy enough, i just cant understand why people would say these things. im not looking forward to visiting OHs family next weekend as they are the queens of being insenstive lol!

 

[justwaiting]

I got one from my best friend while talking about things I was going to use to decorate the babies room, ' you can still decorate the babies room for next time'. Yeh ok lets decorate for a dead baby or a baby I might never had. I told her that would be torture. I've had all the others to but then what can you say. nothing will make it better so really our f&f are never going to get it right are they

 

[xSamanthax]

I had my auntie ring me today (she is THAT member of the family that you really don't wanna talk to coz she is always right! kinda person) and she said sorry etc BUT THEN she turned around and said well this baby wasn't planned anyways, like well it doesn't really matter because you weren't trying.... well no my baby wasn't planned but that doesn't make it any easier when we lost the little angel especially when we were so excited about being pregnant and my daughter was too