Its nearly 1 and a half years since i had mine, and only accepting it now. My life has changed forever. We should have an 8 mth old baby now.
I know what you mean. My first baby if I had kept him would be 13, now. I never forget, and not a DAY goes by that I do not think about that. And now to lose this one by circumstances beyond my control is almost like nature making it right, or something. I don't know. Like the double negative theory: two negatives must somehow make a positive? I don't know. There is no logic to loss.
Forgiving myself. I have had many years of learning how to make positive from negative. To keep dreaming that I WILL be a mommy, no matter what. No matter how imperfect the circumstance may be, that the next child will be with me because he will need ME to love him. So I don't care if he is not perfect, which was why I did not want electronic devices to tell me if he was developing normally or not. I made such a resolute effort to make sure that everything I could do would be good for the baby. No bad foods, no medications, no aluminum chloride or other portential sources for problems.
Nothing invasive. All to protect him. My life is secondary. Now my nest is empty again. I am back where I was.
Last year, a mother robin made her nest on a wreath on the porch, that I had made from grape vines and hay. She was not afraid to make it so close to my front door. I did not draw attention to it, so as to not scare her. At my barn, I noticed on the ground, a perfect robin's egg. I think it must have come from a nest in the rafters. It was cold. On the off chance that it might still be alive, I put it in the nest at my front door, wondering if Mother robin would accept it. She had already laid two of her own. When I came back to the next a couple of days later, I noticed that she laid a third egg - making a total of four eggs in her nest. She had accepted the other egg, and balanced out the number. I was excited.
Then, when it came time for the eggs to hatch, that other egg did not. Mother robin had removed it.
I felt like this was a good omen for me. That life will come to me. I too will be a mommie. And if one did not hatch, then I must keep trying, because I am a Mother robin, too. This is what I do. I make babies. I must try to preserve life.
What sick kind of woman will take away life? This is what I must put in the back of my mind and keep in a box. Focus on the new babies that I can make again. It is a promise, and it is my imperative. i kept that nest and wreath. I hope the babies come back to nest again.