What not to say:

[LeeC]

I found out I had ectopic pregnancy on Thursday, on the way down to the operating theatre the nurse said to me, don 't worry it's only a little operation!!!!
I felt the need to pointed out to her it was the loss of my baby NOT just a little operation.
This, despite the fact she could see from my notes I had 5 previous m/c's.... unbelievable

 

[Samantha675]

So a friend, not a good one, but still, texted to see if I was ok, and I wrote back that no, I had lost the baby. She didn't text back. But I did get a group message the next day to ask if I wanted to give money for a baby shower gift for a woman I have met 3 times.

 

[9babiesgone]

wow some horrible things are being said to us who have had losses! it is really disgusting.
hugs all around!!!

 

[LeeC]

Yeah, insensitivity never ceases to amaze me, let's hope these people never have to be on the receiving end!!!

 

[9babiesgone]

My sister said just today thy this mc didnt matter bc I already have kids and that I should be thankful . Definitely no something u say to someone who has lost an baby

 

[Eternal]

or to someone you are supposed to love! how terrible! id have slapped her lol! hugs to you xxx

 

[princess_bump]

some people never cease to amaze me with their vile comments

it's early days for me i no, but i've had one already. i had to cancel our early private scan, but husband wanted to do it, but i felt i had to, don't no if that makes sense
and the woman said,

"oh only 5 weeks, well better now that later" funnily enough i hang up on her

 

[Eternal]

what? thats crazy!

I had to call the EPU and the scan as i had both booked within a couple fo days, the EPU was closed and the ward i was refered to wasnt happy to get calls for the EPU, until i expalined why i was called and i didnt want to book up a slot a didnt need when someone else could use it, same with the scan, why were both sooooooo lovely to me. so sorry teh person you spoke to was horrible

 

[notjustyet]

Thanks a lot for this thread, my friend just went through this (don't know all the details, just that she was 5 weeks and hadn't yet realised she was pg) and it will help me not say something stupid when I see her. So far I've just sent her a text saying she can ring me any time and if she wants to see people I'm free whenever she likes. It's such a horrible situation I don't think there really is a perfect thing to say - but it doesn't excuse just pure nastiness like some of the posters here have experienced.

It was easier (iykwim) when my sister went through it because I didn't really say anything, I was just there at the hospital while she cried it out. I think it just needs to be treated like any other loss.

 

[grandbleu]

The text you sent was perfect...most women just want a hug and someone to listen to them and not pretend it didn't happen. You are a good friend.

 

[Starry Night]

Yes, just being there is the best thing you can do. Trying to "fix" their sadness generally just does more harm than good. People need to be sad when they go through a loss and with miscarriages it often feels like we're not allowed to be sad because others don't always see it as a baby. But bottling it up isn't healthy. I still like to talk about my baby that I lost and I know the people I can talk about it with. Most people just say "well, you're pregnant now and you wouldn't have it if you kept the other one" which is true but doesn't negate the fact I still miss my first baby.

notjustyet, you are definitely doing the right thing.

 

[bassdesire]

Family and friends, in my experience, are the worst when it comes to what not to say.

The you weren't even far along is one of the worst ones in my opinion.
It is for the best is another one that rips my heart out.

Ugh, it seems like I have heard most of them during the course of the last week. The amazing thing is...my own friends and family are the ones saying the stupid things!

Even my own sister, who has experienced several miscarriages herself, had nothing nice to say.

 

[sambam]

Aww its so true, friends are the worst. My best friend - "oh at least you'll be able to drink at my birthday party now"...... Im like wtf...... thats the last thing im even thinking about xx

 

[Maz1510]

if one more person says

"at least you know you can get pregnant now" i think i am going to punch them in the face!!

Yes... i can but it took me 2yrs and i quite liked the thought of having my baby instead of having it cut out and left to die in a dish thank you very much!!!!!!

Not every one can be shocked they are pregnant when they didnt use contraception!!! well DUH!!!!!! lucky you!!



ahhh rant over... sorry xxx

 

[hopefulmama2b]

"Well, you have had a big year this year with getting married, starting a new job, ect. I think you've just been really stressed."

Arg! I am not stressed. I just had my second loss this week and my mom said the same thing again. "No one in our family had ever had problems with this. I think you've just had a big year." I told her, actually I'm not stressed at all and if you say that I am stressed and that's what's causing my losses I am going to lose it. Saying I'm stressed alludes to the fact that it could have been avoided had my "stress level" not been so high. Drives me crazy when I hear that.

Getting married was enjoyable, not stressful and my new job actually has been less stressful than the old. Zero correlation in my opinion.

And I agree. I can't stand hearing the "At least you know you can get pregnant" Really?! What's the point in getting pregnant if you can't stay pregnant? I'm not any further to the "goal" than someone suffering from infertility.

Just had to vent. I know people are trying to be understanding, but it just doesn't always help. What is nice is when people just say, "I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this again. Please just let me know if there's anything that I can do for you because I love you and really want to be there for you if you need me."

 

[05mummy07]

My sister said to me yesterday the day I passed our little Angel.

''Well you know why it happened don't you..... Cause it should of been me pregnant!'' As if that wasn't bad enough, she then went on to tell me that someone we know has just found out she's pregnant... and the killer line?! WITH TWINS!

I could have punched her so hard at that point

 

[skeet9924]

I have heard a lot of the common ones, at least you can get pregnant, at least next time you can plan, you still have lots of time your young and of course now you can drink. I am lucky in an unfortunate way that i have my best friend going through this with me. She truly does understand me, and for the first time I can understand her. I always knew I empathized with her, however i did not truly know until I experienced it on friday myself. It is the hardest thing I have had to go through and am truly depressed.

I do consider myself lucky to have supporting family, friends and co workers. My boss was even shocked that I returned to work and offered that i go home if I ever feel the need and to just let her know. Sometimes the ones that have been so good say the things that hurt, I know they are just trying to cheer me up.

As much as hugs make me cry, they are what helps me...when I got home from my D&C I curled up in my dads arms and cried for hours..I havent done that since I was a little girl.

My OB was also very good...she held my hand and rubbed my head untill I fell asleep for my surgery. When I woke up, I did so crying and she was there holding my hand again. She told me to cry as much as a I needed and it was important that I grieved and to call her at any time if I needed anything. It was nice to have my hurt acknowledged.

I am so sorry for everyones losses on here, and for so many of the insensitive things that people have said, it truly is a touchy subject and unless you have gone through it, people really don't know.

 

[angelsmom]

Hm...the right things to say, as opposed to the 'wrong things'.... (I got many of those ridiculous comments, in this past week):

-Maybe just say nothing, and just be close to the woman who is grieving, let her know you are there.
-Don't be be smart, or coy, or think you are passing on some higher knowledge, even if you are operating in the 'best of intentions'. Nobody knows what this FEELS like except the woman who is grieving.
-She is sensitive. Just about nothing you say 'ABOUT THE LOSS' is going to come across as consolatory.
-Be soft. Maybe gently suggest talking about or doing things that you know she usually likes to do. Even something as small and insignificant as a pretty nail polish colour. I talked about continuing working on the slip cover for my sofa. (Even though when I was pregnant, I was passing those stitches on my sewing machine, and now, I have to finish the project without the baby inside me. The project does not mean the same. I will finish it, but lord knows I will not keep it).


xo and best hopes

 

[Be positive]

Ive heard all that and the rest. Like 'dont worry you'll have more'. As if one child can replace another. Or 'at least it was your first pregnancy so you dont know what your missing'. Dont say anything, just be there. I got totally ignored at work from my colleagues. People think a miscarriage is not a big deal. Its nearly 1 and a half years since i had mine, and only accepting it now. My life has changed forever. We should have an 8 mth old baby now.

 

[angelsmom]

Its nearly 1 and a half years since i had mine, and only accepting it now. My life has changed forever. We should have an 8 mth old baby now.

I know what you mean. My first baby if I had kept him would be 13, now. I never forget, and not a DAY goes by that I do not think about that. And now to lose this one by circumstances beyond my control is almost like nature making it right, or something. I don't know. Like the double negative theory: two negatives must somehow make a positive? I don't know. There is no logic to loss.

Forgiving myself. I have had many years of learning how to make positive from negative. To keep dreaming that I WILL be a mommy, no matter what. No matter how imperfect the circumstance may be, that the next child will be with me because he will need ME to love him. So I don't care if he is not perfect, which was why I did not want electronic devices to tell me if he was developing normally or not. I made such a resolute effort to make sure that everything I could do would be good for the baby. No bad foods, no medications, no aluminum chloride or other portential sources for problems.
Nothing invasive. All to protect him. My life is secondary. Now my nest is empty again. I am back where I was.

Last year, a mother robin made her nest on a wreath on the porch, that I had made from grape vines and hay. She was not afraid to make it so close to my front door. I did not draw attention to it, so as to not scare her. At my barn, I noticed on the ground, a perfect robin's egg. I think it must have come from a nest in the rafters. It was cold. On the off chance that it might still be alive, I put it in the nest at my front door, wondering if Mother robin would accept it. She had already laid two of her own. When I came back to the next a couple of days later, I noticed that she laid a third egg - making a total of four eggs in her nest. She had accepted the other egg, and balanced out the number. I was excited.

Then, when it came time for the eggs to hatch, that other egg did not. Mother robin had removed it.

I felt like this was a good omen for me. That life will come to me. I too will be a mommie. And if one did not hatch, then I must keep trying, because I am a Mother robin, too. This is what I do. I make babies. I must try to preserve life.

What sick kind of woman will take away life? This is what I must put in the back of my mind and keep in a box. Focus on the new babies that I can make again. It is a promise, and it is my imperative. i kept that nest and wreath. I hope the babies come back to nest again.