What not to say:

[Lolalala]

Quality quote of the day from the first (good job I didn't listen to him) doctor I saw:

"Well it's only early; you can't really call it a miscarriage anyway."

Good skills Dr Walker, good skills.
I'm swearing in my head by the way.

 

[CJT]

my least favorite posted on my FB from a sister in law who delivered the day before we found out about our MC... "Just focus on the future and forget about the past... It will only depress you and bogg you down" wait, isn't this bad boyfriend dumping advice?? Because when I look inthe mirror and still see a semi-pregnant belly, maternity clothes and nothing to snuggle for it, I'm not going to be able to take that comment seriously. It is the future without my baby that I am grieving, sheesh.

 

[Andypanda6570]

my least favorite posted on my FB from a sister in law who delivered the day before we found out about our MC... "Just focus on the future and forget about the past... It will only depress you and bogg you down" wait, isn't this bad boyfriend dumping advice?? Because when I look inthe mirror and still see a semi-pregnant belly, maternity clothes and nothing to snuggle for it, I'm not going to be able to take that comment seriously. It is the future without my baby that I am grieving, sheesh.

I am so sorry and I agree with you. Sometimes it takes all I have not to punch the sh@t out of some people so sorry for your loss

 

[Megg33k]

I always come here when I need reminded of how much people suck! You all deserve so much better than this! We all do!

 

[louley]

my new boss has said about 4 times now when on the subject of finishing late "well its not like you have to pick the kids up or anything is it" then last thursday got a new one, when id said mid morning this is the first hot drink ive managed today she said "what? you havent even got kids to get ready for school what on earth were you doing?"
shitty thing is she knows all about my 3 losses and apparently has had two herself, hoped that might make her less tactless.......3 weeks into my new job she's proving me wrong.

 

[Lilla]

After this (current) m/s the doctor said "Hush, hush, there are people who can't conceive. You are lucky". Really? I'd rather not being able to become pregnant that being pregnant AND miscarry, dear!
In fact last year my ex gyn said we couldn't get pregnant because my husband's sperm was really bad. But I accepted THAT, I cannot accept more m/s.

Another thing he said: "If you miscarry naturally you won't be able to analyze the material. Will you do that for the 3rd miscarriage?".
What? I said, there won't be a third, I hope!

Last year, another gyn said "It's nobody fault if your eggs are old". Like I didn't know. But still, I am surrounded by old women that have a healthy and natural pregnancy. Why not me?

 

[Starry Night]

That is a bad one. How horrible of the doctor to say that!

The other day I was at my in-laws and we weren't even talking babies or anything and Dh made an off the cuff remark that 2010 was the worst year of our lives (car destroyed in accident, lost his job and then the miscarriage in one week) and his parents thought now was "teach a lesson" time and went on to say how it was actually GOOD year because we learned so much and finally grew up. One, they're implying we were immature brats before bad things happened (we weren't) and TWO, they were implying that my baby's dying was GOOD!!! I know they didn't directly say that but they might as well have. I know I've learned a lot about myself and have gained strength from this experience but I believe that's taking an evil situation (baby dying) and turning it into something positive. But I am still allowed to say that it was the worst experience ever. I'm so crushed that anyone could think it was a good thing.

 

[Lilla]

That is a bad one. How horrible of the doctor to say that!

The other day I was at my in-laws and we weren't even talking babies or anything and Dh made an off the cuff remark that 2010 was the worst year of our lives (car destroyed in accident, lost his job and then the miscarriage in one week) and his parents thought now was "teach a lesson" time and went on to say how it was actually GOOD year because we learned so much and finally grew up. One, they're implying we were immature brats before bad things happened (we weren't) and TWO, they were implying that my baby's dying was GOOD!!! I know they didn't directly say that but they might as well have. I know I've learned a lot about myself and have gained strength from this experience but I believe that's taking an evil situation (baby dying) and turning it into something positive. But I am still allowed to say that it was the worst experience ever. I'm so crushed that anyone could think it was a good thing.

Awful!
My MIL was "so happy" when we announced we were TTC that she started talking about modern women, and divorce, and babies that don't allow you to go on vacation as before etc...
She was angry at us!
Then, when I miscarried (I did not want to let her know I was pregnant, but my DH told her) she was sweet and kind. UGH!
This time I did not tell her anything and I am not seeing her since april 2010, so I feel better. I hope my DH keeps his mouth shut.
She is so tragic....
And she also implied that we were immature and spoiled, at 38, oh yes!

 

[Starry Night]

I had really wanted to retort, "so you're saying my baby dying is a good thing" but I was afraid of hearing their response especially as I am pregnant again and wouldn't be having this one if I hadn't lost the first. It's better that I didn't say anything.

My FiL was the offending one in this case as he's the one who thinks DH has yet to grow up (he's 30) but MiL added her two cents too. Wasn't listening anymore at that point. Too pissed.

What's up with in-laws? They're hounding you if you aren't giving them grandchildren but when you are (or trying to) they think you're not ready, etc....I'm sorry for your situation with your MiL. I guess it's nice that she tried to be kind after your m/c but I totally get how that would feel like an insult after what she said when you were TTC.

 

[Megg33k]

My in-laws are batshit crazy and we don't talk to them. I can't imagine how many of them I'd have murdered by now if they were in our lives through our losses.

 

[MandiiG]

After my beautiful baby passed away in my arms everyone told me the

"your young you can try again..."
that to this day still makes me so mad

 

[Lolalala]

I have heard every one of the phrases listed at the top of the page repeatedly for the last three weeks. Plus the other day, "Maybe your body was just practicing for a real baby," followed seconds later by, "You'll be able to put 'all this' behind you."

When do we get to just flat out tell people to shut the hell up until they can think of something intelligent to say?

 

[MandiiG]

I've also heard

"I dont know why it matters it obviously wasn't meant to be."

that is beyond heartless.

 

[Hoping4Babe]

I don't know if this helps or is related to "What Not To Say", but my doctor explained it in such a way that actually made me feel better (which you would think is impossible at a time like this)

"This is going to hurt... your body, your emotions, your state of mind. And you will always remember this day, and these next few weeks. Do not let anyone tell you that you will one day forget about all this, because you won't. And you are going to feel like you did something wrong, or you are to blame and nothing I can say will console you right now. However, I can tell you that you are not to blame. The success rate of getting pregnant after a miscarriage and having a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby is very, very high. You have several options moving forward, which we don't have to talk about today. In the next day or two, call me and we can talk about moving forward. Don't you worry, we are going to get through this together ~held me and my husband's hands tight~"

Since my ultrasound on April 7, 2011 (when we found out there was no heartbeat) I've had several family members and friends reach out to me that knew we where pregnant, and said that they had miscarriages when they first started trying. All of which either now have perfectly healthy babies or are pregnant and almost in their 3rd trimesters. Each time I heard a good story, I couldn't help but think of my doctor holding my husband's and my hand and telling us that we are going to get through this.

I think we should think about what kinds of things we should say, as well as what not to say, so that we can encourage and help our friends and family stay on the positive side of a absolutely terrible situation.

 

[Starry Night]

That was a lovely thing for your doctor to say. After my loss I also had lots of ladies of all ages come up to me and share their stories. It made me feel less alone or when someone said something insensitive I knew there were others out there who did understand and had to deal with the bad remarks themselves. Some friends and family even got us sympathy cards and flowers. I saved them and put them in my baby's memorial box.

 

[Golden Orchid]

Hoping4Babe - something positive and hopeful, just what we all need X

 

[nickyjl]

When we told my fiance's mum yesterday about our mmc, her first response was 'oh well that's what happens when you tell people too early' referring to the fact that we told our families we were expecting as soon as we had our BFP.

I am so angry with her right now.

 

[Hoping4Babe]

When we told my fiance's mum yesterday about our mmc, her first response was 'oh well that's what happens when you tell people too early' referring to the fact that we told our families we were expecting as soon as we had our BFP.

I am so angry with her right now.

We had a false positive result in January and told all of our close family about it before we got the blood test results back negative. Then, I m/c'd last week at 8+3 wks and we had just started to tell parents and close family when we found out we miscarried. It's horrible, especially when family come out with stuff like. Like you aren't going through enough, you have to put up with a smart-ass comment from MIL too... Trust me, I've got a wicked MIL as well. I dare not repeat her remarks for fear of punching the computer.

 

[Starry Night]

I hate that. Like suffering through a m/c in silence makes it any less painful besides escaping negative remarks other than....why aren't you giving me grandchildren yet...sheesh. We still told family right after the bfp second time around. In my mind a life is a life and I wanted to share in it even if it only lasted a little while. I don't believe in jinxes.

 

[MotherOf4]

My co-worker and I found out we were to be grandmas a couple of weeks apart. Soon after, her grandbaby went to heaven. I have let her talk and shed tears with her, but I'm not sure how to handle saying anything exciting about my grandbaby between now and when it is born and even at that point, my grandbaby is due about three weeks after hers should have been born. Can you help me know how to share my joy without making her feel her loss?