What not to say:

[Stelly]

I'm so sorry for everyones losses. I just experienced a miscarriage of my first pregnancy and it is devastating. I just can't imagine going through this more than once

 

[Twinkl3]

I've had quite a few horrible things said to me by close family, I know they mean well but it seriously doesnt help.

* Because I held my greif in and didnt seem affected (from appearance) people would say to me "You musnt of wanted it that much" ... WTF I did want my baby, more than you could ever possibly know ... If only you knew that there are days I cry to myself.
* "Oh well, you'll get pregnant again" - Yeah thanks for that.

The nicest thing wasnt done through words though, my OH's brother sent me a big bunch of roses with "thinking of you" writen on a card. I thought that was very nice of him.

 

[SmartieMeUp]

I'm sorry for the losses you've had, whether it be the first or even multiples. Not like words change a matter.

I've lost several nieces and nephews-to-be (primarily my sisters fault due to her lifestyle she lives), even a sibling which my mum only opened up to me about not so long ago.

I'd also like to congratulate the members who have had previous troubles carrying little miracles inside them and fought to make it to the end. Even though your little angels may not be in your arms, they will always have faith and give you hope for their siblings above you.

 

[mirage25]

I'm suffering a miscarriage as I type It was my 1st pregnancy and it began yesterday the morning of my 1st doc appt! how great is that?! My husband is really the reason I haven't went crazy yet...but my family have all said "your young you'll get pregnant again" "at least it wasn't later in the pregnancy" etc.... ugh! none of that helps, so I just turned my phone off!

I'm so sorry 2 all the women and their OH who have went through this, it really is very emotional. All of you women are in my prayers!

 

[Jessabelle]

So sorry you are going through this. At least here we have each other and we truely understand what to say. Im having a d&c on monday.....for the past 3 weeks my baby hasn't been alive and I went happily to my 12 week scan yesterday only to be told the devastating news. Ive had many insensitive comments. 'At least you know you can get pregnant' 'At least it happened now rather than later'

Do you know what I want to say??!!!.......

"This was MY baby. My flesh and blood, my life, my soul. I want THIS baby. Im grieving for THIS baby. Another baby will never replace or make up for the loss of the one I carried inside me for 12 weeks. My life is never going to be the same again."

Ive politely asked to be left alone. I don't want people who mean well making me feel any worse than I already do.

 

[mirage25]

I'm sorry your going through this as well, and your right I'm glad I found this cite! I know exactly how you feel. I can't count how many times I've told ppl it's not ok because I want THIS baby, and your right another baby can't take place for this one and I how feel about it!!

At least you politely asked, I just simply turned my phone off!

Stay strong and take all the time you need to yourself! I'm sending lots of love and hugs your way

 

[AEM1803]

a couple things that some of my "best friends" recently said to me was-
" You are to depressed for me.. I dont want to have people like you in my life anymore, you are to sad and you just need to get over it already" or "that is the stupidest idea ever, to name your dead baby, get over it.. its dead"
after hearing those things i broke down.. and still cry when i think about the harsh horrible things that my "best friends" are saying to me

 

[Nichole]

a couple things that some of my "best friends" recently said to me was-
" You are to depressed for me.. I dont want to have people like you in my life anymore, you are to sad and you just need to get over it already" or "that is the stupidest idea ever, to name your dead baby, get over it.. its dead"
after hearing those things i broke down.. and still cry when i think about the harsh horrible things that my "best friends" are saying to me

Those were horrible, horrible things for anyone to say! Let alone your "best friends". I was appalled when I read this. I'm so so sorry for your loss and for what was said to you.

 

[Jessabelle]

AEM thats awful! Im so sorry you are not supported by them when you need it most. Forget them, they are not friends at all. Look only to those who can offer you comfort and support. You do not need to be around such cruel people right now. Im concerned they are going to make you feel even worse than you do already. Lets hope they never need a friend in times of need....karma.

 

[hopefulmama2b]

a couple things that some of my "best friends" recently said to me was-
" You are to depressed for me.. I dont want to have people like you in my life anymore, you are to sad and you just need to get over it already" or "that is the stupidest idea ever, to name your dead baby, get over it.. its dead"
after hearing those things i broke down.. and still cry when i think about the harsh horrible things that my "best friends" are saying to me

Not nice at all!!! I could think of a few choice words to follow up those comments with.

 

[jbabe1]

I have just been through my first miscarriage, very frightening to say the least and i am still recovering. i have most of these in the last few days. Friends and family dont know what to say. untill i was int he situation myself i wouldnt know what to say.The words hurt at the time but then i try and put it down too them not knowing what to say. after all i have more improtant things to deal with . me and my husband are heartbroken and are just taking one day at time.

 

[bmitchell]

"Tricky Nicky"- usually there really is no right thing to say. Some people do take comfort in some of those sentences though. Usually I'm sorry is sufficient and just let your friend know you are there for her. No matter what you say it usually doesn't help the hurt. Having had 2 miscarriages myself I've heard most of these and some not listed. Some were comforting some were not but just keep in mind the the people saying these things to you really do love you and are really just trying to help you and comfort you in some way (except "Chella"..that was just plain rude and I don't blame you for not talking to that "friend" anymore). The most comforting thing I heard wasn't even said to me it was said to my husband. He was coming home early from his 2 week training for the National Guard with the battallion Chaplin and my husband said "everything happens for a reason" (as that is the most common phrase used for bad things) and the Chaplin said to him, "If I reached over and slapped you in the face right now would you said it happened for a reason? No you'd be angry. Sometimes things don't happen for a reason they just happen." Weirdly enough that was the most comforting to me because it means that stuff happens sometimes and there is no meaning and there is no reason, it just happened. Now some people may not be comforted at all by this and may have the opposite effect and to those people I say that I am very sorry. This was just something said that helped me a little so I figured I'd share. I have found that having a support system of friends and family have really helped me get thru all of this. My husband has been extremely supportive as has my family and for that I am greatful and hope that all of you have that support too. For all the women out there who have had to deal with this horrible thing in life I say that I am truly, deeply sorry and I do understand what you are all going thru and don't hesitate to message me if you need to talk things out. We are all sisters in a way. Hugs, love and prayers go out to each and every one of you.

 

[bmitchell]

I have just been through my first miscarriage, very frightening to say the least and i am still recovering. i have most of these in the last few days. Friends and family dont know what to say. untill i was int he situation myself i wouldnt know what to say.The words hurt at the time but then i try and put it down too them not knowing what to say. after all i have more improtant things to deal with . me and my husband are heartbroken and are just taking one day at time.

Hang in there jbabe...taking it one day at a time is the only thing to do right now. It will get better that I promise you. I've had 2 myself and my husband has been my biggest support to me. I can say to always turn TO your husband and not AWAY from him to try to deal on your own. Don't shut him out because you think you are to blame (that's what I did the first time and it really doesn't do anyone any good). You're right in saying that family and friends really just don't know what to say. Some things they say are hurtful and some things are comforting. It's very good of you to try to understand that they really just don't know what to say. But know that they are not trying to be hurtful at all they are just trying to help you. If someone keeps saying the same thing over and over that is especially hurtful don't feel bad to say to them in a nice way that they really don't have to say anything at all. Good luck to you jbabe. You are in my thoughts and prayers

 

[bmitchell]

I'm so sorry for everyones losses. I just experienced a miscarriage of my first pregnancy and it is devastating. I just can't imagine going through this more than once

I'm very sorry for your loss Stelly. I just recently had my second one and for my anyway it was a bit easier to deal with than the first. Maybe easier isn't the right word because it's not easy at all but it was a tad less painful. I'm not blaming myself as much this time as my first time and I'm really more determined to find out some answers if possible so maybe that is helping me cope. And of course I have a great husband who has been my biggest support. I hope you have someone to turn to but if you don't have anyone immediately with you there know that the women here understand everything you are going thru so don't hesitate to talk to us. You hang in there and know that we're all here for you.

 

[bmitchell]

I'm suffering a miscarriage as I type It was my 1st pregnancy and it began yesterday the morning of my 1st doc appt! how great is that?! My husband is really the reason I haven't went crazy yet...but my family have all said "your young you'll get pregnant again" "at least it wasn't later in the pregnancy" etc.... ugh! none of that helps, so I just turned my phone off!

I'm so sorry 2 all the women and their OH who have went through this, it really is very emotional. All of you women are in my prayers!

Im very sorry mirage. I just had my second this week. I had a D&C today. Its really awful and emotionally painful. Friends and family just don't know what to say. Even those who have had m/c in the past sometimes don't even have the right things. Lean on your husband. Mine is my biggest support as well and I'm glad you have a great husband as well. Good luck to you both, and than you for your prayers. You are in mine as well.

 

[bmitchell]

So sorry you are going through this. At least here we have each other and we truely understand what to say. Im having a d&c on monday.....for the past 3 weeks my baby hasn't been alive and I went happily to my 12 week scan yesterday only to be told the devastating news. Ive had many insensitive comments. 'At least you know you can get pregnant' 'At least it happened now rather than later'

Do you know what I want to say??!!!.......

"This was MY baby. My flesh and blood, my life, my soul. I want THIS baby. Im grieving for THIS baby. Another baby will never replace or make up for the loss of the one I carried inside me for 12 weeks. My life is never going to be the same again."

Ive politely asked to be left alone. I don't want people who mean well making me feel any worse than I already do.

So sorry Jessabelle. I was 7 weeks (though by my LMP date I should have been 10 weeks). I also went to a routine check-up, by myself since my husband was out of town, and found out the baby didn't have a heartbeat. I had a panic attack when I found out because it was so shocking to me. I had my D&C today. I don;t know if you've ever had one or not but the procedure itself isn't too bad. There's nothing wrong with asking to be left alone. Most people don't understand and say things that they think are helpful but really are hurtful. Just know that you have a ton of wonderful people here who all understand what you're going thru. I don't have any inspirational words because I know that there really are none but to say I'm so sorry and am here if you need to talk. Hang in there and good luck with your surgery.

 

[bmitchell]

Im 25 and even thought I am a qualified professional, my ultimate dream has been to be a mum. I love children and have a natural maternal instinct. My husband was not ready to have kids and we were both still completing our internships so I waited. When we were ready to leave the pill I went for a gynae checkup and was told that I had PCOS and would never fall pregnant naturally. 2 months later, while overseas on holiday I fell pregnant. The joy I felt was unbelievable. After waiting such a long time and yearning for a baby of my own, I was finally pregnant. The thought of miscarrying never crossed my mind even for a second.

11 weeks later the unthinkable happened. I feel such overwhelming sadness constantly that i have no idea where I am or what I am doing. It's been 2 and a half weeks since the miscarriage and im getting progressively more heartbroken as the truth sinks in.

The few people who know have tried to be supportive but everything they say makes me really upset and sad and angry. A few of them told me to "get over it and move on". Others constantly ask me if the doctor has told me WHY this happened to me. They expect me to blame myself for something I have done. "you will have another baby soon" also breaks my heart. One told me that because I fell pregnant 2 months after leaving the pill, I should have known that it was a high risk pregnancy. WHAT?

I just have nobody to speak to and feel so forsaken and desolate. so I thought I would join a group who knows what I am going through.

everyone here knows what youre going thru shaz and you are definately not alone. Ive had 2 myself and I know how heartbreaking they are. It sounds like you're not blaming yourself which is a great thing. I think the majority of women do blame themselves because it makes it easier to cope thinking you did something wrong and not that there just simply isn't a reason sometimes. That person who said you were high risk because of just getting off the pill obviously doesn't know anything about anything beacause that just doens't even make sense. Sometimes they just happen and no one really knows why. I hope this didn't make it worse but it was the one thing that actually gave me comfort to know that I don't have to blame me or anyone else, it just happened. But just know that you are not alone and everyone knows and has felt (or is feeling) what you are now. Don't hesitate to talk to any of us at any time. I can't promise we will say something amazing that makes the hurt go away but I can promise that we will listen and send you some internet hugs. Hang in there

 

[bmitchell]

Worst thing ever was my best friend saying to me shortly after my 2nd miscarriage 'i wish i was bleeding!' - she was 10weeks pregnant with her 4th child !

Doesnt that just make you absolutely sick that those people are the ones that get pregnant at every turn while there are much more deserving people who actually WANT their babies that either can't get pregnant or stay pregnant. So frusterating I'm so sorry for your loss. Hang in there

 

[bmitchell]

I do feel for the others around me at the moment, only a handful of people know and the stock phrases at the top of this post have come out over and over again but I understand that they want to say something, they dont know what to say but anything seems to be better than 'I dont know what to say to you'.

I especially feel for my OH. He is finding it so difficult to look after me at the moment, he cries as he feels he cant connect with me and he says he has failed me as he cant make me feel better. I am so upset but our mc was so early I dont think he views it as a lost life at all - whereas that is the only way I can see it, I lost the life inside me. Tonight he was holding me and trying to soothe me by gently saying 'it was nothing, no heartbeat, no consciousness, no intelligence, it wasnt alive, it was nothing'. To which I flatly replied ' that doesnt help' but I know that he really was trying his best to reassure me and make me feel better, it was just a very poor choice of words.

Sometimes people are downright rude and insensitive to all sorts of matters and those people deserve to be in the firing line from us if for no other reason than to make themselves think about what they are saying to others, but sometimes we just need to give people a break as whilst the choice of words can be completely insensitive and occasionally offensive to our experiences, they are said with the kindest of intentions and out of wanting to reach out but not knowing how to.

Zomo, my husband said about the same thing to me during out first m/c. It really doesnt help because to you it was a very real life. This second time he just keeps saying he's sorry, which is nice. Mostly he just holds me and doesn't say anything which is good too. All I can tell you is just to tell your OH that you know he doesn't understand and you don't really expect him to. All you want is his love right now and to just be held and loved. That has helped me a lot this second time. I just told him the first time you don't have to say anything because nothing really helps anyway. When he stopped trying to comfort me with words it helped a lot so try that. Good luck to you guys. It's really an awful thing and an incredibly trying time but just be there for each other and love one another.

 

[bmitchell]

TY Megg.

They didn't biopsy my babies and I was told that I would never know what happened and it was just one of those things. I don't think they really had high hopes for them to be honest...

Of course I am wondering; Was it the hot dog I ate? Was it the stress from the car accident I was almost in? Was it because I am a big time stresser/worrier?

I just hope I can enjoy my next pregnancy because there was nothing enjoyable about this one. I was super paranoid the whole time. I am just afraid I'll be even more paranoid with the next one.

Of course you can't stop the questions from forming just know that it really was nothing you did. I've lost 2 now. The first one I wholeheartedly blamed on myself until I eventually did come to a realization that it really wasn't my fault it was just something that happened. The second one I'm not blaming myself as much. Of course there are always little seedlets of doubt thinking "well I was very paranoid" or this or that but in reality it's most likely none of my fault it just takes a while to get over that feeling. When people say they are sorry I usually just thank them because they are just showing their sympathy. I'm sure they aren't expecting 'it's ok' or anything like that...just a showing of love. Most people just don't know what to say and it's the only thing they can think of. Either way just know they are just trying to tell you they care about what you're going thru. I share your fear that I'll be equally as paranoid with the next one. Everyone says "don't worry because it could be bad for baby" well you know what? You try it! Much easier said than done! And I think every woman has some level of concern and worry for their baby so it's simply OK to be worried! I hope that we both will eventually get to the stage of being comfortable being pregnant and excited about it too. Good luck to you