What not to say:

[bmitchell]

My co-worker and I found out we were to be grandmas a couple of weeks apart. Soon after, her grandbaby went to heaven. I have let her talk and shed tears with her, but I'm not sure how to handle saying anything exciting about my grandbaby between now and when it is born and even at that point, my grandbaby is due about three weeks after hers should have been born. Can you help me know how to share my joy without making her feel her loss?

There probably is no way unfortunately. One of my family members is pregnant and I just lost mine. It's painful for me and I have some level of jealousy for her but I love her so much and even though I lost mine I'm still extremely happy for them. Hopefully she will be happy for you even though she lost her grandbaby. If she is a close enough friend just talk to her about it. Tell her that you will not share your stories if she wishes but you definately want her to understand that you are not in any way trying to rub anything in her face or make her more upset. Which reminds me I do have to tell my family member not to worry about upsetting me when asking me questions or updating me because even though it is a horrible thing for me it's still an amazing thing with her and one I don't want her to be ashamed of. Good luck to you, congratulations, and good luck to your coworker as well.

 

[seasidetides]

I didn't really tell too many people when I miscarried, but when I did a lot of them used the religion card on me. I'm pretty religious and all, but it didn't make comments like "God knows what He's doing" and "It's just His/nature's way" any less hurtful! Especially coming from close friends, it broke my heart. "It was for the best" was by far the most used one, as well as "Well, you're still young (I'm 19, but 17 when it happened), you can still have more!" I'm not sure some people understand that you can't just get over a loss like that, nor can any other child act as a replacement. I know that it's not easy to know what to say to someone who just miscarried, but perhaps that's all you really need to admit. Sometimes "I'm sorry but I don't know what to say", or even just a simple hug is better than saying half the things people say!

 

[LunaBean]

I had my sister telling me last week 'Sure if you lose this one too (I've lost 6 already and been bleeding heavily and constantly since 5 weeks with this pregnancy, I'm 8+4 now, tho baby still has a heartbeat), it's not even a baby yet. Its still a fetus until its born and breathes, so you didnt really lose babies, you just lost a fetus everytime' This coming from a 21 year old with 2 kids who's fiance is in and out of jail (currently in) for drugs offenses, and she told me she was jealous I was pregnant because she wants another one but cant try cus hes in jail!!! Also, if Ive lost so many, why don't I just stop trying, because Im obviously not meant to have any! Some people are just so thoughtless.

 

[Megg33k]

Its not exactly a loss... Its a failed IVF cycle... but THIS is what NOT to say:

"im so sorry what is going on? is it ur eggs? his sperm? im guessing that it is ur uterus not attaching the eggs, so the embryo is good its the oven? ok so how about u get a saregett to carry the embryos, that asy its u and kevins dna 100% she will carry and deliver and its stilll ur baby and u wont have to go through labor, baby weight , stretch marks , swollen feet, sore back, ect.... so theres postive liek sara jessica parker and a modle christy brinkly ithink anyhow they had seregate and that lady marlana on days of our lives in real life had a seragate! gay men do this all the time, but u have eggs adn sperm, so the lady has to not have sex and take fertility drugs to stop ovulating and 9 months later have ur baby,babies, do u have any siblings on either side or a healthy willing friend? would ur insurance cover them or would ther ins cover them and u pay co pays and maternity clothes and leave? sumthgin to think about, or theres soo many foster kids an children who would want be priviallaged and so lucdky to have u as a mommy! anyhow i am truely sorrry!! i feel so bad for ya guys but if this is ur last chance dont shut that window, open that door! dont give up its 2011 there are other options!"

I could f*cking die. Nothing has ever made me feel more like a broken loser than that sentence...

 

[avgabcon5]

I found at my 12 week scan, with a big bump, putting on over a stone and feeling nauseous 24/7 that there was an empty gestational sac. Complete and utter shock. Here are a few of the things I've had said:

"It's quite funny (and she meant it as in ha ha funny) really isn't it, how you were feeling so sick for 3 months for nothing." from my own mother! At least she had the decency to follow it up with "well it would be if it wasn't so emotional". ?????!!!!????

" Someone at work had two of those in a row before she went full term" Gee thanks that's inspiring (mother again)

"At least you don't need that loft extension now" (my dad on the day I found out) ???!!

"Soon, you'll realise that what you have is even more precious" (I have 3 children already, yes, of which i am eternally grateful and blessed but none of my children is more precious than another and this was still potentially my child)

"Just remember how lucky you were with '*****" (I was in hospital from 20 weeks with my son, bleeding heavily and losing clots, he arrived by emergency c-section (my third emergency section) at 27 weeks and was in hospital for 3 months - he is fine now at 18 months but that was the longest, most stressful and worrying 5 months ever) So this evens it out somehow does it now?

"You need to move on" (less than a week after finding out) Er, excuse me?!

"***** at work was really upset because she thought you'd lost an actual baby so I'll tell it wasn't quite like that" A friend and colleague said this to me when I told her the details of what had happened.

"At least it wasn't a baby yet" - my body, mind and heart thought it was for 13 weeks and I bonded with what I thought was inside me growing.

 

[salbal]

We told no one this time, I'm 10 weeks and loosing the baby right now. Nobody will say anything stuid to me this time.. It's my 3rd mc.
Last time I got your 40 now don't you think you should be happy with the 3 you have? Err no I want my 4th?
My mum.. Dad was worried he thinks you should wait and see if ***** is ok? Omg what does he think is wrong with my 9mth old son? (3yrs later nothing?)

I'm just so glad of this website mc is lonely..
It took me 18 mths+ to accept my 1st.
2nd not as long and this one I is strange as I knew it was coming from the word go, I just hoped that it would work out but just felt disappointed when I started to bleed
I have a memory box of all the letters and scan dates, pee tests, and I get angel certificates for them, and a small teddy to kiss when i want to be close to my angels, I write a poem for them too.. I love my special box. And only I get to look at it.

 

[Weeclaire]

I have heard most of these statements in the last week, and believe me they are not nice. "Everything happens for a reason" Well Please explain this reason to me as i dont understand it.
You were that far along" True but i was attached to the little one from the minute i found out i was pregnant.

None of the statement makes you feel any better at a time like this, nothing makes me feel any better.

I have never used any of these statements to anyone and having now gone through this i dont think i will ever use any of them as they dont make you feel any better if anything they make you feel worse.

xxx

 

[futurephotos]

I told one of my friends about my MC while it was occurring because she noticed that I was being really squirmy - I was in a lot of pain. When I described what it felt like and how much I was bleeding etc. she said "oh, you're lucky... all my periods are that way, so now you know what I feel like each month." WOW! I don't think I could have heard anything more insensitive. Yes - I usually do have short light periods, yes - that is nice and I'm "happy" I usually don't bleed long and hard, BUT she isn't loosing a baby - I am! My mom only says "Try not to get too depressed."

 

[samiam]

Frankly, I am so sick of the religion card. And it happens on HERE in TTCAL forums of all places. I mean, I just lost another baby. I don't want to hear about God's will. I'm agnostic and I don't cram my beliefs down people's throats. And if people think that talking about God after "he's" just taken my baby away from me is going to make me want to believe in God, well, that's just crazy. It makes me think that God (if it exists) is a sicko that likes to torture people. Horrible. Not the right place to talk about God.

 

[samiam]

I'm just so glad of this website mc is lonely..
It took me 18 mths+ to accept my 1st.
2nd not as long and this one I is strange as I knew it was coming from the word go, I just hoped that it would work out but just felt disappointed when I started to bleed
I have a memory box of all the letters and scan dates, pee tests, and I get angel certificates for them, and a small teddy to kiss when i want to be close to my angels, I write a poem for them too.. I love my special box. And only I get to look at it.

Salbal: Oh, I know these feelings too well. So sorry about your loss. I know what you mean about knowing it was coming. I did too. OH thought I was being a nervous nelly (he was very kind about it, but still). But I just knew. It's horrible knowing that, isn't it? Again, I am so very sorry. And I know what you mean about mc being lonely.

 

[AEM1803]

hmm my best friend said this to me-
(she had an abortion)- She said well i hope that we can still be friends after all this.. my reply- what do you mean?- she then goes on to say... well Since i willing got rid of mine.. and u are loosing urs.. i just dont see how we can still be friends..

first of all- her situation is totally different then mine!! how dare she even bring it up when im going through this.. 2nd- why did she honestly think would come of her saying that to me? like seriously.. im loosing my baby.. about to go for emergency surgery.. and u are bringing up the fact that u got rid of urs.. and that u dont wanna be friends? bah

 

[samiam]

hmm my best friend said this to me-
(she had an abortion)- She said well i hope that we can still be friends after all this.. my reply- what do you mean?- she then goes on to say... well Since i willing got rid of mine.. and u are loosing urs.. i just dont see how we can still be friends..

first of all- her situation is totally different then mine!! how dare she even bring it up when im going through this.. 2nd- why did she honestly think would come of her saying that to me? like seriously.. im loosing my baby.. about to go for emergency surgery.. and u are bringing up the fact that u got rid of urs.. and that u dont wanna be friends? bah

Wow. That's really harsh of her. Sorry AEM.

 

[Megg33k]

Holy crap... Your friend sucks, AEM!

And, I knew too, btw... I had an awful feeling all day but thought I was being silly and paranoid until I woke up bleeding.

 

[Mellybelle]

I just posted this elsewhere, but its appropriate for here...

I think the best comment I got was "I'm so sorry you lost your baby. It just isnt fair". This was perfect.

As for the stupid comments, to name but a few...
"There must have been something wrong with the baby"
"Its gods way"
"Its natural selection"
"Why arent you back at work yet"
"Keep trying, maybe next time you'll get a girl"
"Your babys soul will come back in another baby"
"Just because tests showed nothing wrong with the baby, it doesnt mean there wasnt something wrong"
"These things just happen"
"Lucky you already have children"
"Its because your eggs are old" (I was 34)
"Its because your husbands sperm is old" (he was 36)

These are just a few, and many of them were said more than once.

 

[fairywings]

When I found out my friend had lost another child ( her third) ( a couple days before my son died ) I just gave her the biggest hug said I was so sorry and it wasn't fair.

to all who now have angel babies. I am one to say I am sorry for your losses. xxx

 

[TheSmpsns]

wow, I have heard almost all of these in the past few days. I'm glad that you posted. Thank you.

 

[samiam]

wow, I have heard almost all of these in the past few days. I'm glad that you posted. Thank you.

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[bdawn8403]

I have heard so many of these from doctors and nurses.

I can't handle the "sorrys" anymore.

Here are some others I've heard

From my grandma:
"Well at least you didn't feel it move"
"Be thankful you weren't far like I was. I remember I was 4 months along during one of mine"

Doctor at ER:
"You did miscarry but good news you are only 26 years old and can get pregnant again."
"They have shots to help you now"

Nurse at my Gyno's office:
"We don't normally see women so early in their pregnancy, especially since its their first, but honey if you are going to miscarry there is nothing we can do about it"

The one that really gets me is "Everything happens for a reason"

NO IT DOESN'T! What is this reason? To give it to me after 2 1/2 years of trying and rip it away all in the same week. I can't fathom the reason for that.

 

[avgabcon5]

Another one I've had a few times too is 'It's surprisingly common you know'.That doesn't make it any easier and it's horrific that one person has to go through this, let alone many. No-one should have to go through this.

 

[Fluxuspoem]

one thing that always upset me was " its natures way the baby must have been very ill" what a load of crap. Yes in some cases that is true but u cant say that about my baby almost like he or she was natures reject material!! Also my daughter after my loss, is living proof that this is crap as i had the most horrific pregnancy with her, bleeding preterm contractions low progesterone and hcg and permanent bed rest. She was here early but she is perfect it was just a bad pregnancy that could have resulted in miscarriage due to hematomas