What not to say:

[Fluxuspoem]

Another one I've had a few times too is 'It's surprisingly common you know'.That doesn't make it any easier and it's horrific that one person has to go through this, let alone many. No-one should have to go through this.

i heard that so many times i just wanted to punch each and every one that said it!!! almost like, its not a big deal kind of thing! argggh idiots

 

[bdawn8403]

A girl I went to high school with messaged me on Facebook last night saying this:

"all i can say is this, be thankful you did get pregnant. now you know its possible. if you continue having miscarriages there is a medicine that can help. you take it when you find out youre pregnant. i unfortunately have never been pregnant or miscarried. but i would have loved to been pregnant and lost then to have never known the feeling at all."


WHAT??

 

[Stelly]

Ugh Bdawn.. I'm sorry.. that girl has NO idea what she is saying. I wouldn't wish a MC on my worst enemy, its a terrible terrible thing and emotionally devastating..

I can only think that that lady would have to be a very immature person to think that having a MC is better just so they could "feel" being pregnant... egh. sorry that just strikes a nerve and I'm sorry someone would even think of saying something like that to you. I'm so very sorry for your loss... its a terribly unfair thing to happen.

 

[Megg33k]

There is one particular girl in a small group of us that keeps saying stuff like that! Anytime one of us is down about the losses and posts, she posts saying that she's never even conceived and she's not sure which is worse. Of course, we all tell her that its far worse to have conceived and lost... but she says that she just "has no comparison, so she can't know that for sure." I told her I'd gladly trade my losses for just never having conceived. At least then I wouldn't hurt like this every single day. But, she says she hurts every day too from not having ever conceived. It almost feels like she's mocking us sometimes. I know its not meant that way... but it hurts every single time she says it. "I've never had a BFP or a MC"... like its some rite of passage or something!

 

[4magpies]

I hate the... "your still young".

I also hate the... "miracles can happen".

I just want to scream... "NOT FOR ME I'M F*CKING INFERTILE!!!"

x

 

[daisy_dee]

I had that from the MIL after my miscarriage. "Never mind, better luck next time". I had to bite my tongue, literally. And then asked her if she wouldn't mind leaving.

She came over to our house to tell me something like that. I'm still absolutely amazed about it, even after more than three years.

Needless to say, relations between the dear lady and myself are - strained, to put it politely.

 

[4magpies]

Least she acknowledged your loss.

I was in hospital for a week, and off work for 3, my MIL never once visited me in hospital, or at home (she lives 5 mins away) or even contacted me to say she was sorry for our loss.

Horrible MIL's!!

xxx

 

[My Secret]

Totally agree. People 2 years later still repeat these words and it makes an indent everytime!

 

[mum2boyz]

this subject is never handled well by anyone, a few of my friends had been through the same thing and had no sympathy whats so ever, its 2 yrs this year and although i have had a baby since it still hurts, xx love to all who have felt this loss xx

 

[Tina_TTC2]

how about - being told you're totally faking your misery and just trying to get attention. yeah.. that qualifies

 

[fairywings]

how about - being told you're totally faking your misery and just trying to get attention. yeah.. that qualifies

OMG that is horrible. Some people just don't have an ounce of compassion!

 

[minime1]

"There are people in the world dealing with much bigger problems."

That one was said by my dad!!!!

 

[Semanthia]

"That's just how life is sometimes and it sucks..." Then she went on to tell me how these are life lessons and I will keep getting them till I learn what I am suppose to WTF?? Yeah that is real comforting telling me my daughter died for me to learn a life lesson and I somehow failed to learn that lesson so I had this early miscarriage.

I have a friend who told me she knew exactly how I feel about losing my daughter at 21 weeks and having this miscarriage. She was comparing it to how she felt when it took her 4 months to conceive (once they actively started try). She does have pcos and needed a little help but she was telling people she couldn't get pregnant and was so negative about after the first 2 months. I feel for you but it's not the same. You can not possibly understand how it feels to give birth to your daughter, who you know you can't keep and holding her in your arms as she dies until you experience it and I hope she never has to.
Sorry I'm a little bitter right now.

 

[Megg33k]

I'd be more than a little bit bitter! I don't think anyone can really understand much of any of this unless they've been there. And, as someone who has felt the pain of a MC (or 3)... Even I don't understand. I'm so sorry for what you've been through! You don't let anyone tell you it was a life lesson! It was just awful... full stop!

 

[jenny25]

one of the things that was said to me while i miscarry for the 4th time ( 5th loss for me) well atleast you can get pregnant , they wont help me because im too fat

 

[KahluaCupcake]

My own mother basically said its better than having a child with down's syndrome or the like.
Is it?? Is it really????

 

[rachelleigh]

Not even an hour after my oh and I found out, his dad said "SEE! I TOLD you you needed to have an ultrasound before you started telling people!" as if a. We weren't planning on having an ultrasound...what on earth... And as if finding out our baby died suddenly meant we didn't have a baby and I had never been pregnant. I could have slapped him. NO mother needs an 'I told you so' after losing her baby. Still makes my blood boil.

 

[caz19822002]

"there's plenty more chance" .... yeah there might be but I'll never get this baby back will I Some people are so frickin rude and inconsiderate... to everyone x

could not have said it better

 

[Mrs G]

When I was being monitored by the EPU, my HCG levels were rising but the rate of increase was slowing and a nurse explained it me that my baby was "alive but giving up". This has always stuck with me.

xx

 

[PrettyUnable]

The most common response I've had that makes my blood boil everytime is "if it wasn't meant to be, it's not meant to be".
Excuse me? My baby will always be meant to be.
And coming from my mother it's "I know you don't believe in a higher power, or God, but everything happens for a reason."
Are you bloody surprised I don't believe in God when things like this happen for no apparent reason.
We're hurting, we've lost a part of ourselves that we can never replace, how is saying that they weren't meant to be, weren't meant to live, to exist, how is that a comfort?
My nan's response was "There'll be plenty more". But there will never be this child again, why don't people understand that? Another baby will bring joy and happiness but they will never fill the gap left by this baby.
My sister's only words to me since have been "Well you seem to be doing fine".
Excuse my language, but of course I fucking am. I have to be fine. I have a 9 year old who can't see me fall apart, I have everyone watching my every move incase I indicate to anyone that something might be wrong. If I don't seem fine then I get sighs, looks and "come on, stop being so maudling".
Maudling?? No, its called trying to greive.
It makes me so angry, I'm angry at the world anyway for taking my baby from me, so why say things that make it worse?
I understand rationally and logically that there is nothing right that people can say or do in these's situations, but that doesn't take the situation away, it doesn't mean we can just sweep it under the carpet and forget... and the suggestion or implication that we should, to let other people feel better, almost hurts as much.
There are no right words or anything anyone can do to make it better or take it away, I think only a hug or "I'm sorry for your loss" would have been more positive responses for me.