What not to say:

[Twinkie210]

In the 5 days since I found out I miscarried, I have hear "It will be alright" from my Mom, "We can try again" from my DH, and "I know it's hard right now but God has a plan" from a close friend.

Even better, on the day we got back from my ultra sound where we found out our baby didn't survive, my DH decided to give me a baby shower invitation that came in the mail that day! Seriously he had to have know what it was, does he not think!

Then today, the day after my D&C I decided to go shopping with my Mom and she said "Let's walk through the Baby stuff and see if we can find something for your cousin" (who by the was is due 2 months before I was). Yes, that is exactly what I want to do. It took every ounce of energy not to burst out in tears in the middle of the store! I know that she doesn't understand my grief, but how can she pretend that her grandchild never existed? That part hurts almost as much as the actual miscarriage!

 

[SabrinaKat]

Sadly, I think I can beat you all in the insenstitivity stakes (and it's not funny, really):

My SIL who was pregnant at the same time when I had an m/c, never called nor dropped me a note. In fact, my FIL was very ill and my husband was running back and forth between me and him, I asked my BIL to help out and his response was that my SIL wasn't feeling well due to her 'difficult' pregnancy!!!!!They complained that we didn't get any Christmas presents for this their upcoming 2nd baby (we got a voucher, because I just couldn't handle going into baby sections of stores) and ultimately, held the christening the very week our baby would have been born. We didn't go, my DH took me away for a long weekend.

Strangers on the street were kinder than so-called family!

Now, when I hear about a m/c, I offer a hug or a 'I'm sorry'.

(Twinkie - they mean well, it's just they don't know what to say or do...and personally, I would have burst into tears!!!)

 

[Mellybelle]

I just wish people knew how much their "well meant" words can hurt. Sometimes I think we might as well walk around with a knife in our heart, that way people can just twist it instead of saying any 'well meant' words.

 

[LoveKayanna]

Some people can be real annoying! "It just wasnt ur time" STFU please. Who are u? The grim reaper?

 

[Makeupdubai]

Had all the things your not supposed to say said to me in the past 2 days,
They really do not help, just make everything worse.
Does anyone feel so emotionally alone?

 

[fairywings]

Yes I feel emotionally alone.

At the time I found it a comfort but now when I think about it I hate this what was said:

"He is in a better place."

He may be pain free now but the best place was for him here, with me.

 

[Buttrfly360]

I had a MC 2 days ago...everyone for the most part is being super
sensitive but there are those that have been asking me what happened...
yeah like i want to relive the horrific details and tell the story of er visits, ambulance
rides, emergency d and c.....

Big hugs to everyone going through it too

 

[fairywings]

I had a MC 2 days ago...everyone for the most part is being super
sensitive but there are those that have been asking me what happened...
yeah like i want to relive the horrific details and tell the story of er visits, ambulance
rides, emergency d and c.....

Big hugs to everyone going through it too

So sorry you have to go through it.

 

[MrsReiver]

I don't want "another baby" - I want my baby back.

 

[Gemini85]

by text "you know 20% miscarry before 10 weeks anyway. so its not like its unusual..."

 

[Gemini85]

and my mother said "i dont think you should have kids now anyway.... youre still young..." IM 26 FOR GOODNESS SAKE, NOT 14!!!

 

[rachelleigh]

and my mother said "i dont think you should have kids now anyway.... youre still young..." IM 26 FOR GOODNESS SAKE, NOT 14!!!

Oh my goodness... I am so sorry she said that to you... that is so low. She's your mother so I'm sure she didn't MEAN to be so hurtful but really it just seems like it should be so obvious that just a simple "I'm so sorry this happened to you," is the best thing to say.

I am so sorry for your loss... losing a baby is difficult at ANY age and it is something no woman should ever have to suffer. Thinking of you in this very difficult time.

 

[littleB072010]

I had a mc in July, and it just seems to keep feeling worse. Everytime I run into someone I haven't seen in a while and they come up to me like, "Hey, I heard you were pregnant. Congratulations!" I just want to scream. And the next time someone says, "Well, it'll happen when God thinks its the right time." I'm going to punch them in the mouth. I got pregnant with my daughter when I was 16, and I would never trade her for the world because she's my whole life, I don't get how people seem to think that it was so much better a time than now that I'm in a permanent situation and have my life together, you know? But the worst two comments by far that I've heard was 1) when an old pervert that comes into the bar I work at looked me dead in the eye and said,"Good. You really don't want that anyhow." What the hell?!
2) Another customer was harassing me for smoking again(I quit while I was pregnant, but I don't cope with stress well) and I told him what happened, and he told me I was a bad liar. Like anybody would actually make something like that up. I never in my life thought that people could really be that heartless and inconsiderate.

 

[fairywings]

You would be suprised how people can lie about things like that - it is twisted, but no matter what those comments are cruel. Sorry for your loss. x

 

[littleB072010]

I have actually found that the only easy way for someone to respond is to change the subject. I understand that nobody really knows what to say unless they've truly been there, and I really don't want to talk about it with someone who hasn't, so it's best to not say anything. I can tell by the look on their face that they are sorry for my loss even if they don't say it. You know? Just give me a hug and lets talk about the weather.

 

[broken27]

im so pleased to have come across this post
its so true
ive had them all this week
plus my own brother telling me "to get out and socialise , no point sitting in feeling sorry for yourself, whats happened has happened"
nice eh?

 

[Gemini85]

Thats awful. im so sorry for the loss of your little one.
i have fallen again straight away, my mother said "shouldnt you perhaps have taken last month as a sign"

 

[Hellylou]

I lost my baby at 16 weeks nearly 3 weeks ago.

Comments I have had so far:

"It wasn't meant to be"
"At least you have 2 children, be happy with what you have"
"It's not the same as losing a child"
"You didn't lose a baby, you lost a pregnancy"
"What, it's not like going through a proper labour...is it?"
And, one week after, "What, you're still feeling bad??!"

It is truly amazing the things that people say. I know people are just trying to be helpful and 'put it in perspective' or some such thing, but it is the ones who have simply acknowledged the loss, expressed sympathy, hugs, and offered to be there when I need them, are the ones who have helped me the most.

 

[hawalkden]

We had a mini bean last november. I know I wasn't weeks and weeks gone. We were only 8 weeks if that and I think it's just a shock to the body. Seeing something on the screen but knowing it's not going to progress is heartbreaking.

We're now expecting out peanut in December and I believe there is hope for every single woman whos had a miscarriage. Keep the hope going ladies .

When me and OH suffered our m/c they put it down to my diabetes which hacked me off so much! Also I didn't want to go out for weeks or speak to anyone! I just wanted hugs off OH all the time and he's my rock

 

[divershona]

i went for my 12 week scan on thursday expecting everything to be fine, to find that my baby hadn't grown for almost 5 weeks and that there was no heart beat. I called my mum to tell her as i knew she'd had a MC between me and my sister. Her response was " i know i wasn't very supportive of your pregnancy but i never wanted this to happen to you, the only way you can look on it is that the baby would have been too ill to survive much longer, and its better that it happens now, before you get too attached"

she started off so well .... and i'm sorry but i was attached the moment i saw those 2 lines on the pregnancy test!!!!!!!!