What not to say:

[littlekitten8]

I had a mc last week at 7 weeks (my 4th) and my mum (despite being confirmed by the drs) just turned around and said 'You didn't have a miscarriage, you weren't even pregnant. It was probably just your PCOS'. Yeah thanks for that. Really helpful :'( And I was already finding this one so much harder cos of having had my son after the first 3 mc's and then to lose this baby!

 

[LisaL79]

Oh I absolutely LOATHE the "At least you can get pregnant" line.
I'm part of another forum where many of the women have difficulties getting pregnant and never had a BFP after soandso many months/years.
One of them actually said they'd want to have a m/c just to know that they could get pregnant! It sounds awful, and I know she didn't mean it to sound insensitive, but I seriously wanted to smack her.

I know it's frustrating not seeing a BFP, but seeing a BFP and having no emotion other than fear is AWFUL.
When I got my 4th BFP, there was no joy, there was no excitement, there was nothing but all consuming crippling fear b/c of the 3 previous m/c I had before.
And unfortunatly this one ended the same way (still going through the m/c actually).

So no.... knowing that I can get pregnant is not a damn comfort!!! Or well in my case, knowing I can get a BFP...... I have yet to actually see if my body will STAY pregnant.

 

[AEM1803]

Lately i've been told "well atleats you were only 7-8 weeks.. it was not even a baby at that early"
I just wanna smash their faces in!!!

 

[hanfromman]

Ive had 'at least you're young and can try again' and 'at least you can move on now'. I didn't get angry though because I can imagine how difficult it must be to know what to say and they only mean well.
90% of people though, have simply just said 'there's nothing we can say but we are thinking of you' and that undoubtedly is the best thing to say, because no words will help, and just to know that they understand that and they are thinking of us means alot.

 

[Maggie1]

Deleted because I decided she meant well and I should just let it pass..

 

[ollysmom73]

I had one last week which annoyed the hell out of me and made me feel a little stabby."It was probably for the best, sweetie. Imagine all that hard work you would have had with twins!"

 

[mom22boys]

The worst thing I heard is maybe this is Gods way of telling you its just not time for your 3rd child right now.

I really dont think that God did this, without him I would not have made it thru this. I am thankful that my little one is up there with him right now!

I must say that I was lucky to have some really sweet people helping me thru this! I had a lady at work give me a hug and tell its a hard place to be and that she had also lost a baby. Another told me about her 3 miscarriages. I was very thankful for people who were willing to listen and tell me their stories too! It helped me a lot!

 

[Nerdygirl]

I just had a miscarriage. The priest said to me "Maybe God looked into the future and saw what would happen, and decided to end it now." I'm not kidding you.

 

[justwaiting]

Me and next door neighbour and good friend fell pregnant within a week of each other. I lost my baby, she is 33wks pregnant.
She says to her husband the other day 'we'll have to have another one, because I really haven't enjoyed this pregnancy at all', I said excuse me and she goes I have hated being pregnant this time around.
I nearly slapped her in the face but swallowed it and bitched to hubby later. I know pregnancy is painful and uncomfortable and tiring, I do genuinely feel sympathy for her and the way she feels but don't tell me you hate being pregnant when I would give anything to be kicked in the ribs right now

 

[Mellybelle]

I just had a miscarriage. The priest said to me "Maybe God looked into the future and saw what would happen, and decided to end it now." I'm not kidding you.

I thought I had heard every horrible thing, but this one shook me.

Massive hugs to you, Nerdygirl.. God did NOT do this to you, and that priest needs to be reported for saying such an awful thing.

 

[Chester1]

OMG i didnt realise people could be so insensitive. i had miscarriage last week, i knew the baby was very sick - she had a cystic hygroma and tested positive with T18. so i have had that amazed me was:

oh thats really sad, but at least you havent had a period for 3.5 months!

also my mother very insensitive at the best of times said, oh well you dont want to have 'one of those'. and then another really good friend said when i was first diagnosed at 13 weeks 'oh just get rid of it'

another friend i saw out shopping with her kids and she moaned about having to take them shopping, (i wanted to get a canvas so i could do a little memorial for my little girl i miscarried) i said to her my husband was at home so was able to leave my other children with him (he was at home cos of our situation).. and she replied 'oh arent you the lucky one'. i was quite stunned but managed to say back 'um yea no i dont think i am at the moment'.

sheesh i hate to think of anymore i will encounter.......!!!!!

 

[ClaireRSA]

I'm so sorry! I lost a baby at 20 weeks and people can say the strangest things.
I hope you feel better soon!
xxx

 

[Stash777]

OMG i didnt realise people could be so insensitive. i had miscarriage last week, i knew the baby was very sick - she had a cystic hygroma and tested positive with T18. so i have had that amazed me was:

oh thats really sad, but at least you havent had a period for 3.5 months!

also my mother very insensitive at the best of times said, oh well you dont want to have 'one of those'. and then another really good friend said when i was first diagnosed at 13 weeks 'oh just get rid of it'

another friend i saw out shopping with her kids and she moaned about having to take them shopping, (i wanted to get a canvas so i could do a little memorial for my little girl i miscarried) i said to her my husband was at home so was able to leave my other children with him (he was at home cos of our situation).. and she replied 'oh arent you the lucky one'. i was quite stunned but managed to say back 'um yea no i dont think i am at the moment'.

sheesh i hate to think of anymore i will encounter.......!!!!!

Seriously my jaw dropped reading what people have actually said to you. Umm, WOW! I hope you don't take this wrong way, but I think you need some NEW FRIENDS! No matter if you are thinking the same thing, the whole "at least" comments are completely off-limits to other people (even your OH). And I really think the whole "lucky one" comment just takes the cake. I am so very sorry for you loss, I was diagnosed with a blighted ovum and was devastated, so I just can't imagine how much that pain must be amplified for you. And the need to have the support of your friends, who obviously are not very sympathetic or empathetic, must be making it so much worse. I am so so sorry hun.

 

[Mom2mmcjg]

I just had a miscarriage. The priest said to me "Maybe God looked into the future and saw what would happen, and decided to end it now." I'm not kidding you.

No Way!!! Has he ever read the Bible??? That's crazy!

 

[Twinkie210]

I once had a minister compare a MC to a monthly period. Now to be fair he was talking about suffering through infertility, which I can only imagine how hard it would be, but I really don't think it is the same kind of pain as losing a child.

 

[EmmaRea]

My MIL, speaking privately to my husband, said this: "Well, maybe its for the best. You two are very young, and you don't know where you will be in a few years. You might not even stay together, so a baby wouldn't be the best thing in that case."
To say I was supremely pissed is putting it mildly. So, not only is she not counting on us staying together, but she doesn't have enough faith in us to work out our 'separation' so our child could thrive anyway.
BTW, we are 21 and 22 and have been married for a year and a half, after being together for three years. We take our vows seriously. I said "I do" and I meant that I always will. Thank you very much.

 

[Livia2011]

there comments are exactly why I don't talk about it anymore

 

[Mom2mmcjg]

My MIL, speaking privately to my husband, said this: "Well, maybe its for the best. You two are very young, and you don't know where you will be in a few years. You might not even stay together, so a baby wouldn't be the best thing in that case."
To say I was supremely pissed is putting it mildly. So, not only is she not counting on us staying together, but she doesn't have enough faith in us to work out our 'separation' so our child could thrive anyway.
BTW, we are 21 and 22 and have been married for a year and a half, after being together for three years. We take our vows seriously. I said "I do" and I meant that I always will. Thank you very much.

Wow! Thanks, "Mom"!

 

[mumwannabe]

Many couples who experience miscarriage are subjected to thoughtless comments from people who probably mean well but don't understand that what they're saying not only doesn't help but may hurt the feelings of someone who has miscarried. Here are some examples of things you should not say to someone who has had a miscarriage:

- It was for the best
- At least you know you can get pregnant
- Something was probably wrong with it
- Maybe God knows you are not ready to have children
- You're trying too hard. Just relax, and it will happen.
- Take my kids for an afternoon, and I promise you won't be so sad about losing the baby.
- Be glad. Having a baby changes your life; think of all the fun things you wouldn't have been able to do anymore.
- You should just be happy you have one/two/three children already. You don't need anymore.
- it was just a blob of cells. It wasn't a real baby.
- You're young. You'll get pregnant again
- It happens all the time; it's nothing to worry about
- At least you weren't very far along
- It wasn't meant to be
- It probably happened because ______________.

I can add another one to the list:
"how are you now after your... well.. erm I don't know what you'd call it actually?"

 

[fayewest]

Many couples who experience miscarriage are subjected to thoughtless comments from people who probably mean well but don't understand that what they're saying not only doesn't help but may hurt the feelings of someone who has miscarried. Here are some examples of things you should not say to someone who has had a miscarriage:

- It was for the best
- At least you know you can get pregnant
- Something was probably wrong with it
- Maybe God knows you are not ready to have children
- You're trying too hard. Just relax, and it will happen.
- Take my kids for an afternoon, and I promise you won't be so sad about losing the baby.
- Be glad. Having a baby changes your life; think of all the fun things you wouldn't have been able to do anymore.
- You should just be happy you have one/two/three children already. You don't need anymore.
- it was just a blob of cells. It wasn't a real baby.
- You're young. You'll get pregnant again
- It happens all the time; it's nothing to worry about
- At least you weren't very far along
- It wasn't meant to be
- It probably happened because ______________.

I can add another one to the list:
"how are you now after your... well.. erm I don't know what you'd call it actually?"

Are people really that awful, now I am scared to start telling everyone, so sad!