What not to say:

[aliss]

You shouldn't have gone to the store, that probably caused it! (I had been bleeding for over a month with a subchorionic haematoma which was unrelated to the MC).

- FIL's girlfriend

 

[Chester1]

Many couples who experience miscarriage are subjected to thoughtless comments from people who probably mean well but don't understand that what they're saying not only doesn't help but may hurt the feelings of someone who has miscarried. Here are some examples of things you should not say to someone who has had a miscarriage:

- It was for the best
- At least you know you can get pregnant
- Something was probably wrong with it
- Maybe God knows you are not ready to have children
- You're trying too hard. Just relax, and it will happen.
- Take my kids for an afternoon, and I promise you won't be so sad about losing the baby.
- Be glad. Having a baby changes your life; think of all the fun things you wouldn't have been able to do anymore.
- You should just be happy you have one/two/three children already. You don't need anymore.
- it was just a blob of cells. It wasn't a real baby.
- You're young. You'll get pregnant again
- It happens all the time; it's nothing to worry about
- At least you weren't very far along
- It wasn't meant to be
- It probably happened because ______________.

I can add another one to the list:
"how are you now after your... well.. erm I don't know what you'd call it actually?"

yea, had that one too,..... the lets not talk about the 'big elephant in the room' syndrome......

 

[amotherslove]

Many couples who experience miscarriage are subjected to thoughtless comments from people who probably mean well but don't understand that what they're saying not only doesn't help but may hurt the feelings of someone who has miscarried. Here are some examples of things you should not say to someone who has had a miscarriage:

- It was for the best
- At least you know you can get pregnant
- Something was probably wrong with it
- Maybe God knows you are not ready to have children
- You're trying too hard. Just relax, and it will happen.
- Take my kids for an afternoon, and I promise you won't be so sad about losing the baby.
- Be glad. Having a baby changes your life; think of all the fun things you wouldn't have been able to do anymore.
- You should just be happy you have one/two/three children already. You don't need anymore.
- it was just a blob of cells. It wasn't a real baby.
- You're young. You'll get pregnant again
- It happens all the time; it's nothing to worry about
- At least you weren't very far along
- It wasn't meant to be
- It probably happened because ______________.

I can add another one to the list:
"how are you now after your... well.. erm I don't know what you'd call it actually?"

Are people really that awful, now I am scared to start telling everyone, so sad!

first off, i have to say, not everyone is that awful.. it depends on the kind of people you know.. but unfortunately you can never know what kind you have till they show you..

the only not nice thing really SAID to me so far (i've had a few fights over things that are being DONE but not said.. long story) was that i "wasn't ready" and when i politely told her that i was ready and my readyness had NOTHING to do with why my baby died, she then messaged me privately to say she meant i wasn't physically ready.. and i'm like "okay.. but thats still ME and my fault.. i was ready.. back off.

 

[Stash777]

Many couples who experience miscarriage are subjected to thoughtless comments from people who probably mean well but don't understand that what they're saying not only doesn't help but may hurt the feelings of someone who has miscarried. Here are some examples of things you should not say to someone who has had a miscarriage:

- It was for the best
- At least you know you can get pregnant
- Something was probably wrong with it
- Maybe God knows you are not ready to have children
- You're trying too hard. Just relax, and it will happen.
- Take my kids for an afternoon, and I promise you won't be so sad about losing the baby.
- Be glad. Having a baby changes your life; think of all the fun things you wouldn't have been able to do anymore.
- You should just be happy you have one/two/three children already. You don't need anymore.
- it was just a blob of cells. It wasn't a real baby.
- You're young. You'll get pregnant again
- It happens all the time; it's nothing to worry about
- At least you weren't very far along
- It wasn't meant to be
- It probably happened because ______________.

I can add another one to the list:
"how are you now after your... well.. erm I don't know what you'd call it actually?"

Are people really that awful, now I am scared to start telling everyone, so sad!

first off, i have to say, not everyone is that awful.. it depends on the kind of people you know.. but unfortunately you can never know what kind you have till they show you..

the only not nice thing really SAID to me so far (i've had a few fights over things that are being DONE but not said.. long story) was that i "wasn't ready" and when i politely told her that i was ready and my readyness had NOTHING to do with why my baby died, she then messaged me privately to say she meant i wasn't physically ready.. and i'm like "okay.. but thats still ME and my fault.. i was ready.. back off.

All but one of my friends has been really great. Even when I said "at least it was early and I never saw a fetus" (had an early scan - blighted ovum; and it's okay when we say it ) my friends responded with some variation of "that doesn't matter, you were still pregnant and it's still really sad. I couldn't begin to imagine how you're feeling". One even cried when I told her about it. The only person that said anything horrible was the same one who, while we were still trying unsuccessfully, said, "Maybe you're just not supposed to be a mom". Her response after she found out about the m/c: "I guess you're really not supposed to be a mom". I've since distanced myself from that friend, but the silver lining is really knowing who my friends are, and I count myself lucky having the friends I do have. Point being that not everyone is horrible. And those that say some insensitive things just don't know what to say and say things they think will help you feel better (even though we all know most of those things make us feel like crap).

 

[CarlyStardust]

My friends and fam have been amazing this passed week. I went for my 12 week scan on wed only to discover there was no heartbeat. Ihad an ERPC on friday. My partner and i are very gutted. Ive been completely spoilt with hugs and flowers from so many people. No words were needed, just lots of support, kind words and to know that people are there for us x

 

[annalee2003]

Ugh, yep, definitely heard a few of those so far.

The one I am most tired of hearing is, "It was meant to happen" .. I know that it probably was, but please stop telling me that, it really doesn't make it any better.

That and, "You're young, don't worry!" ... Drives me insane! Being "young" (and is 26 really that young?) doesn't have anything to do with the fact that I still had a m/c. So shush.

 

[sharonfruit]

The worst I've heard so far is 'everything happens for a reason... better for it to happen at another time when you know you can take care of it the best way you can...' Whats that supposed to mean!? We are in a perfect position to take care of a child!!

 

[mojojojo563]

I has a scan at 5 weeks and the heartbeat was 120 beats per min everything was good then over the weekend I has a little light brown discharge I go today for an us and they tell me they can't find a heart beat. I am crushed and don't want to believe this we just today everyone we were preggers and now look what happened.

 

[Mom2mmcjg]

I'm so sorry, hun. We've all been through it, you are not alone. May God bless you and give you strength during this time.

 

[dodgercpkl]

These have probably already been posted somewhere in the 61 pages, but I've had a couple of doozies so far. A coworker of mine fb messaged me in response to my telling her that I'd had a miscarriage "What happened?!" and followed that up with "Are you ok?" Um... if I knew what had happened I would have damn well stopped it from happening! And no. No I'm not ok. My hopes and dreams just crash landed and everything's a mess right now.

Then this morning at work, another co-worker cornered me and started wanting to know what happened. She did not know that I had a miscarriage only that I was out. When I told her that I wasn't ready to talk about it, you would think that she might get the hint, but no. She actually stayed there for over 5 minutes trying to get me to tell her what I was upset about and then wondering why I wasn't my usual sparkly self. Um... I'm upset and you are bringing me to tears. STOP TALKING ABOUT IT! Oi. Boundaries.

 

[HCH 10]

Hi all first post just looking for some sense after missed miscarriage what not to say sounds like the most common things people unhelpfully and insensitively say. Losing a baby is not 'for the best' or 'meant to be'. It's so painful x

 

[Tanzibar83]

Hey girls, can't believe I'm posting in this part of the forum, I never thought i'd be so unlucky. 14 months ttc, millions of hospital appointments, hundreds of £'s spent on TTC (tests, supplements, drinks, etc) doing everything by the book and it still wasn't enough.

lost baby at 8 weeks 2 days and I feel like everyone has said every single sorry sentance out there, the worst I've heard is "it's god way of saying it just wasn't meant to be just yet" - HELLO! I'm an athetist, just because baby is no longer here doesn't mean I'm turning to religion.

I know no one means any harm by what they're saying, it's their way of reaching out but I'd just love it for someone to say "there's just no words which will help" and leave it at that. It will get better with time I know that but for now I just want to say bye to my baby at my own pace and not think maybe it's a god thing!

 

[Gemini85]

Hey girls, can't believe I'm posting in this part of the forum, I never thought i'd be so unlucky. 14 months ttc, millions of hospital appointments, hundreds of £'s spent on TTC (tests, supplements, drinks, etc) doing everything by the book and it still wasn't enough.

lost baby at 8 weeks 2 days and I feel like everyone has said every single sorry sentance out there, the worst I've heard is "it's god way of saying it just wasn't meant to be just yet" - HELLO! I'm an athetist, just because baby is no longer here doesn't mean I'm turning to religion.

I know no one means any harm by what they're saying, it's their way of reaching out but I'd just love it for someone to say "there's just no words which will help" and leave it at that. It will get better with time I know that but for now I just want to say bye to my baby at my own pace and not think maybe it's a god thing!

xxx

 

[Mellybelle]

Hey girls, can't believe I'm posting in this part of the forum, I never thought i'd be so unlucky. 14 months ttc, millions of hospital appointments, hundreds of £'s spent on TTC (tests, supplements, drinks, etc) doing everything by the book and it still wasn't enough.

lost baby at 8 weeks 2 days and I feel like everyone has said every single sorry sentance out there, the worst I've heard is "it's god way of saying it just wasn't meant to be just yet" - HELLO! I'm an athetist, just because baby is no longer here doesn't mean I'm turning to religion.

I know no one means any harm by what they're saying, it's their way of reaching out but I'd just love it for someone to say "there's just no words which will help" and leave it at that. It will get better with time I know that but for now I just want to say bye to my baby at my own pace and not think maybe it's a god thing!

I'd rather no one try to 'look on the bright' side when it comes to baby loss. There is nothing positive about it.

 

[MrsMoo72]

My mum said today "you shouldn't test so early, sometimes its better not to know, you would have thought that brown spotting was your period. We never had any scans when I was pregnant.' Thanks mum, really useful stuff...
I know she means well but I just dont want to hear that right now.

 

[Starry Night]

My mom has said the same thing to me. But early tests save lives in regards to ectopics! My MiL nearly died from one because neither she nor her doctor suspected a pregnancy. They thought it was an infection and by the time she went to the ER the doctor there said she would have been dead in a few hours.

Never mind that the comment simply dismisses the topic and your feelings.

To be fair, my mom has been a huge support to me because she has gone through a m/c as well and says she still gets sad about it from time to time.

 

[Jenmargee]

I miscarried at 8 weeks and then got pregnant straight away and had a missed miscarriage at 13 weeks. A couple of people, after telling me how sorry they were, then told me I should wait before I try again- give my body a rest. This really annoyed me!! WHy did this annoy me so much? Think it was because I just thought what the hell has it got to do with you whether we try again straight away or not?!!

 

[waiting_game]

I got the (from another mother who had a miscarriage last year and is pregnant with her 3rd) : "oh, you lost her at 21 weeks? oh i wouldn't worry about something like that... its going to happen again"
I was taken back.
However, some get offended at the "Maybe God needed another angel", but I find that a beautiful way of putting it.

I have also gotten the, "she wasnt alive outside of your womb, so technically you havent lost a baby. she wasnt a real baby". -- but these words coming from a girl who has (since age 14) got around 6 or 7 abortions and recently had a baby from her higher up.

Ugh. People.

 

[pandl]

I lost my perfact baby four days ago and had a d and c . my mother called me today and said I should put it behind me and that I need to tone down my grieving becouse she thinks I am overdoing it .

 

[Dahlia2007]

Well, I'm still a bit bitter about this and had to tell someone, because I'm not going to bother anyone else with it.

Before I found out about baby not having a heartbeat, we've all been worried about my uncle Mike dying from his cancer soon.

My grandma in-law, whom I do like, came over literally just after I came back from the doctors to drop off a Christmas dress for my daughter (she didn't know of the situation yet). Well, I had just found out about the baby and didn't feel talking to anyone. She saw my face was all red and asked if I had a cold. I said no. I broke down to her and told her the baby didn't have a heartbeat anymore. She then replied "oh, I thought you were going to say Mike died."

WTF! well, my baby just died, and that's a life too.

I don't even think she realized what she had said. I was pissed inside my mind. She did hug me, but that one remark really threw me off.

DONE.