What not to say:

[SaucySac38]

This is not a thread I thought I would be in. Ultrasound yesterday. Nothing left but a collapsed gestational sac so I am just waiting for that to pass. This morning my mother said I could grieve but not to long because I am older so need to get on with it.

The only person who has said I should be mad and scared was the doctor who was so hoping it was just my body adjusting to pregnancy.

What the hell does having another have to due with losing this one?

 

[bluecathy1978]

My husbands best friends wife found out she was pregnant 2 weeks before me and it will be their first. I am really happy for them but when I lost my baby I said why did it have to happen to me again. There are other pregnant women like Zoe. And his reply was well, their baby is special as it is their first!! WTF?! My baby is special too you f-ing idiot.

 

[sharonfruit]

My OHs friend is in the same situation, she found out a few weeks before me, and I've asked OH the same question and all he can come out with is how they are the loveliest people he's ever met, and I'm like... we are lovely people too...

 

[rkmoore]

my husband is not religious at all and is really struggling when people say it is all in gods plan, his reply to them is why is god so selfish give me back my child

 

[DivineMrsM]

my husband is not religious at all and is really struggling when people say it is all in gods plan, his reply to them is why is god so selfish give me back my child

I struggle with this one as well. Honestly, it pisses me right off. *I* have a plan too. And it didn't include a dead baby.

 

[silverlizard]

People keep saying things like "Oh, my friend/aunt/colleague had SEVEN miscarriages and now she has a beautiful baby!" I mean, I know they're trying to give me hope, but all I can hear is "Hey, you might have to go through this another five times yet!" Not to mention, your friend is not me. The fact that she eventually got there doesn't mean I will. I know people mean it with the best of intentions, but... it just doesn't help.

 

[Renniel]

I've had most of those said to me already as well even my partner told me that "Miscarriages are very common, so I didn't really have much to say to you for support"

 

[Renniel]

That and "Dude you weren't even pregnant that long" Blah

 

[Deeva]

My daughter wasnt a iscarriage she was 5 days old but Ive had similar comments including

'Ah well never mind'
'Least you have the other 2' Oh yes great consolation!
'You can have another' Babies ARENT replacable ffs
'Well, you got longer than I did' From my sister who had several early miscarriages herself.
'Maybe it was for the best'- My own mum!
'Least she was only 5 days old and didnt have a personality' DP's Mum
'These things happen for a reason' Please god damn tell me what reason there could be?

woaw!! """'Least she was only 5 days old and didnt have a personality' DP's Mum""" sorry but that has got to be the worst comment ever! sorry for your loss hunny but that was really bad thing to say!!

xx

 

[SaucySac38]

Agreed Deeva. That is just a shitty comment to say. Period.

 

[marginalia]

About a week after I miscarried, I went to the park with a friend of mine and she was asking me how I was feeling. I told her I was unprepared for how painful it was and another woman, who had been sitting at the same picnic table, listening, said, "You should try childbirth." WTF?! All I could think was "I would have liked to", but I was so thrown off by how awful this was for her to say that I just stared at her with my mouth open.

I have heard all of these comments in the first list. The day after the mc, my mom called me and asked me not to tell her next time because it hurt her too much. A friend that helped me move asked me if I was going to compare this loss to losing a "real child". And one of my aunts said that I was better off because fiance and I should really be married first anyway.

What is wrong with people?! Why can't they just say "I'm so sorry" or similar and leave it at that?

 

[SaucySac38]

I am not sure why it is so hard to just say: sorry for your loss. Why does it become a game to show me that my pain (physical and mental) can't be worse than ____ (fill in whatever silly comment people make.

When did it become a mine is better than yours issue?

 

[lostandsad]

when i told my 'best friend', she said 'unfortunately that's very common'.

we have not spoken since. i doubt i will ever speak to her again.

cancer is very common, but no one would dream of responding to news of cancer with something so ridiculous.

or imagine, "your dad died?, don't worry about it, happens all the time." etc etc.

this was MY BABY. i realise it happens all the time, but not to me it doesn't. Statistics are entirely unhelpful at such a time. Unless you are my doctor.

For some reason people like to pretend miscarriage is insignificant.

 

[silverlizard]

yeah, I've heard that one too. I think people seem to think telling me it's not uncommon will help, or comfort me.

it really, really doesn't.

 

[ninamama]

Im having a really crappy day.. a girl at the office today..who knows of my losses and is 5 months pregnant, was complaining of a backache, and asked me if I wanted to swap...I just started crying and have been blubbering ever since

 

[Angels_Mom]

I only got a comforting response from my 14 year old brother who said 'I'm feeling awful, I don't know what to say to you' and a while later I got a text message from him saying 'Your baby was too cool for this world. And when he's a little uncool, maybe he or she will come back again soon as your next baby."

A friend who had also miscarried at 6 weeks just like me said 'I know what you're going through. I felt devastated. Like the world gone quiet and after hearing about you, I'm reminded of that same helpless silence. You can't get over it. It was a part of you. You live with that pain forever.'

I wasn't relieved, but it feels comforting when someone 'shares' your pain rather than makes you uncomfortable by saying stupid things.

 

[marginalia]

Im having a really crappy day.. a girl at the office today..who knows of my losses and is 5 months pregnant, was complaining of a backache, and asked me if I wanted to swap...I just started crying and have been blubbering ever since

I'm so sorry. I know how you feel, my sister has been complaining, too and told me "You don't want this morning sickness." I never know what to say to people who say things like that to me.

 

[SaucySac38]

Yep, the crappy responses need cease. If you don't know what to say, "I'm sorry" is just perfect.

 

[sharonfruit]

I'm so sorry. I know how you feel, my sister has been complaining, too and told me "You don't want this morning sickness." I never know what to say to people who say things like that to me.

A slap across the face would suffice in my book!!

 

[sharonfruit]

One friend said to me, don't take this the wrong way but I'm so glad you will be able to have a drink with me over Xmas...