What not to say:

[SaucySac38]

Carzelle, I was somewhere around 5 weeks. It is a pregnancy. You have a right to grieve. Tell them to f-off.

 

[doggylover]

One of my closest friends called my miscarriage "your incident" - like I had had a bump in my car or something. That hurt so much, and I haven't been able to forgive her yet. I know that it is hard for people to know what to say, and I am the only person she knows who this has happened to, but I just wish people thought before they spoke!

 

[Dahlia2007]

One of my closest friends called my miscarriage "your incident" - like I had had a bump in my car or something. That hurt so much, and I haven't been able to forgive her yet. I know that it is hard for people to know what to say, and I am the only person she knows who this has happened to, but I just wish people thought before they spoke!

: (
do you think she thought it was a softer word than saying miscarriage?

 

[doggylover]

I guess so, and I know she meant no harm, but it was only a few days after it happened, and I just took it very badly. I know it is hard for my friends as well, and my best friend has been amazing throughout.

Even I hate using the word miscarriage out loud...i have only said it maybe three times since it happened as saying it just makes me feel even worse!

 

[Lulu]

I'm so sorry for you losses ladies

It's such a frustrating time just now. I get it that people find it difficult to know what to say but why do they insist on trying to say something 'meaningful' which ends up being stupid and hurtful instead of just saying 'I'm sorry'.
.
This week I had an amazing comment from my MIL, well I overheard part of her phone call with DH the day after I'd had my d&c ....."Aye, she'll feel better now that's over" - meaning the operation. Yeah that's right I feel fantastic knowing my baby stopped growing, know that I'm no longer pregnant. Yep, feeling amazing right now! This from a woman who has apparently been through this before, there was me thinking she'd understand a bit.

 

[Bay]

I'm going through my first miscarriage right now (second pregnancy), and this is all very new to me, but I have had a few insensitive comments from family. My mum and older sister seem to make it their goal to diagnose the cause of my miscarriage and persistently blame it on my exercise. This infuriates me. Sometimes **** happens, without reason or logic. It is called life. Bad things happen to good people, yes, even to those who try and be good girls and do everything right.

Sorry for the rant, I am not in a good place right now.

 

[Mom2mmcjg]

Sorry, Bay, I bet that's very frustrating. I'm they mean well, but sheesh!

 

[sharonfruit]

Sorry to hear that Bay, contrary to what they say exercising and having a healthy and fit body has got to be good for a little bean trying to grow x

 

[Emmy0320]

Saying NOTHING hurts too.

We found no heartbeat at a 9 week scan (fetus and sack looked good and measured 9 weeks- but no HB). I finally (diagnosed with MMC) started to pass things at 11.5 weeks. We only told two people. One of which was so excited, as she's 20 weeks pregnant, and kept calling to chat about pregnant life once she found out I was also expecting. I've heard nothing over the past three weeks between the diagnosis and miscarriage (and yes she does know what happened).

Sometimes saying nothing hurts as much as insensitive comments. All I want is an acknowledgment of what we're going through. "I'm sorry" goes a long way sometimes.

 

[silverlizard]

Argh, what Emmy said.

Too many people in my life have decided that the best approach is to entirely ignore the situation and/or avoid talking to me at all because hey it might be awkward. It's really hurtful, especially from people you thought of as good friends.

 

[Grieving30]

One of my sisters didn't contact me for 4 days after I found out about my mmc, then when she did she gave me the, "It must not have been meant to be," as if that's at all comforting.

Then a friend (who has been very supportive) told me to stay busy and try not to think about it and maybe it will make it easier to cope. Not think about it? It's all I can think about.

But maybe the most difficult is the fact that none of my coworkers (only my supervisors) have even acknowledged my loss at all. I'm sure they just don't know what to say...

 

[sharonfruit]

Too many people in my life have decided that the best approach is to entirely ignore the situation and/or avoid talking to me at all because hey it might be awkward. It's really hurtful, especially from people you thought of as good friends.

Yes, some of my dearest friends not only didn't get in touch, but actually seemed to be avoiding me when I tried to make plans with them. When I confronted one of them about it she said, 'I thought you wouldn't want to talk about it'. Even if I didn't want to talk about it, I still needed to be around my friends!!!!

xxx

 

[BlossomB]

My grandma upon hearing of my second miscarriage (now going through a 3rd) "oh well, at least YOU can GET pregnant, not like poor xxxx she can't even fall" yes I'm so very grateful to be losing my babies, thanks grandma....

 

[Emmy0320]

I've unfortunately got a new low.

Quoting my FIL "So are you going to tell us your pregnant or are we still pretending not to realize you are?"

This was 3 weeks after finding no HB at our 9 week scan and 5 days after passing the baby and placenta. I was (am) still bleeding at the time.

My somber response was "I'm not pregnant."

Ouch. To all those that don't know it's not okay to ask someone if they are pregnant. It's safe to say that if they are and/or were and wanted you to know they would tell you.

We were waiting until after the scan to tell them the news, but because it went as it did we decided to keep things to ourselves.

 

[sunny74]

My dad said, are you sure you really want a child, they are really hard work you know, not that he knows as my mum did all the hard work, this is after my 4th mc
Nice one dad

 

[Lulu]

One of work colleagues came out with a cracker this morning. I was having a little moan about having a head cold again, after having a chest infection in November, then all the symptoms of early pregnancy then the trauma of having a mmc. Just feeling a little sorry for myself really, and my colleague said, 'Oh well at least you won't have a big belly and be feeling uncomfortable during the summer.'

I think she was trying to be nice, but what ...... should I be glad I won't be pregnant during the summer. I'd love a big belly during the summer

 

[silverlizard]

Lulul - I seriously cannot believe how many people think it's helpful to say things like "At least you won't have morning sickness!" or won't have a big belly in the summer or hey now you can drink/eat shellfish/whatever again. Just.... ugh, seriously? I would love to have a huge baby belly all summer. I miss my morning sickness. I'd give anything to have it back if it meant I was still pregnant. I don't care if I can eat raw fish and swig vodka all day long, I would rather have a baby.

I know they're trying to be nice, but URGH.

 

[Lulu]

Thanks silverlizard, it's so frustrating and hurtful some of the comments people make without even thinking what they are actually saying.

Maybe I'm just having a really bad day but that comment has really upset me today

 

[Bay]

I am so sorry for your loss (for all our losses).

Lulu i don't think you are being too sensitive. It is an insensitive comment. There is no silver lining to losing your little one. I'm sure all the women in istory who have ever been through a miscarriage would LOVE to keep their prgnancy and ENDURE a big belly in summer!

 

[MissMummyMoo]

I only found out today but I've had a few off that list already none of it helps. Just coz I've got 2 doesn't mean I shouldn't have more. It just wasn't meant to be ... Oh thanks! I just feel numb and empty and as though no one is really that bothered about it including my husband x