What not to say:

[sharonfruit]

What lovely words from your OH amore, you are lucky to have each other to lean on during this difficult time

 

[MrsDavo]

I've had most of these comments today.....

I feel like I've been robbed of my baby,

I've been told others have it much worse than me as they lost later. Yes that must be awful, but so is this!

 

[amore93]

amore93, don't listen to those insensitive people, whoever is capable of saying such bullshit has never experienced this and no credit should be given to their words!! it's like hearing a virgin talk about penetrative orgasms and weather it's easier to achieve one doing it doggy style or a missionary...

Haha that actually gave me big laugh, it is so true but I didn't think about it that way. Thanks for the analogy

 

[lovewithin]

ahhh i turned to a zen buddhist and a comedian after hearing a couple of those idiotic phrases. now i laugh to those people and wish them to NEVER come to know how do their words feel! took some weeks for this magic skill to develop though!

 

[ttc1soon]

I have experienced many of these comments from friends, family, co-workers. They just don't know what to say. I especially hate the "You're young. You have plenty of time... you will get pregnant again soon." Yes, I am young, but they don't know what is up with my body!! They don't know that it took me TWO years to conceive!

The worst that I experience though was when I told a friend what had happened and she did not say anything! She was silent and changed the subject. OUCH! I would rather people say something and possibly offend me, than not say anything at all. So we should at least be glad that the people in our lives care enough to say something even if it's not the right thing to say.

It seems like everyone tells me "at least you are young, you have plenty of time" but I just suffered from my second miscarriage! It doesn't matter how young or old you are, it hurts.

 

[Stash777]

I've had most of these comments today.....

I feel like I've been robbed of my baby,

I've been told others have it much worse than me as they lost later. Yes that must be awful, but so is this!

Both of mine were hard (one an MC at around 9 weeks and the other a chemical)...it doesn't matter how far along you were, it's still very devastating.

 

[smythdm]

Here are two things not to say:

"I'm surprised you even got pregnant in the first place with how stressed you are"

"Its not the end of the world"

 

[hopestruck]

Here are two things not to say:

"I'm surprised you even got pregnant in the first place with how stressed you are"

"Its not the end of the world"

WOW @ the first comment. Ugh. I've had similar ones - I'm in a PhD program, and at least 3-5 people have said to me: "Was it because of the stress?" UM, NO. It's NOT because of the "stress" (which apparently other people think I'm experiencing, though I assure you I am not). The kind of stress that causes miscarriage is WAR and FAMINE, not having a paper due. F*cking idiots.

 

[Baylea]

Hi everyone. I feel your pain

I miscarried 10days ago. We were 11weeks and 5days and it took us 10 cycles, over 14months, to fall pregnant....I am heart broken. I want my little butterfly back.

My 3 best friends are expecting around the same time as we would have been, and today one, who is a nurse, said to me 'I can't believe the doctor didn't ask you to take the baby, and placenta in to the hospital to have it inspected to make sure it had all passed. And they should certainly have asked you to take it in at least to despose of the clinical waste'. I can't tell you how shaken I am that she referred to my baby like that. I felt like screaming at her 'how would you like it if I called your baby in your tummy clinical waste'. I am shocked! I am shocked at how coldly and badly the NHS has treated me, and my best friend just underlines how little care and consideration is given to couples who go through this.

Other things not to to say:
'well now it has completed you can move on'-1 day later... if your beloved pet died would someone say this to you the next day? So why is it thought to be ok to say about a lost baby?

'you miscarried naturally, well there is some good news for you'- nobody should point out any silver-linings when the cloud is so black, there is no 'good news', or 'positives' in this situation. Some things just aren't as bad...but that doesn't mean they're good!

'at least you know now you can have a baby'- um, well no I don't actually, why do people assume this?

'don't worry you'll have a baby soon, and be part of our mummy clan' -this really cut me deep. It was dismissing my loss and twisting the knife. It was like saying you'll have another don't worry about this one, and you aren't part of what we are, you aren't a mummy.

What you should do:
Show empathy and try and understand the sadness. How would you feel in this situation? No words can make it better, but many words can make it worse. Just tell people how sorry you are, hug them, if you feel like it cry with them, let them speak about it as much or as little as they feel comfortable.

I hope our dream comes true. I'll be thinking about you all xx

 

[MrsDavo]

Baylea, very similar to my story, but I didn't miscarry naturally, I had to have a d&c.

It's been 11 days since we found out about our baby growing wings and 7 days since we had the d&c. I have good days and bad days, more bad than good though at the moment.

Sorry for your loss hun. I totally agree with all you said in your post.

We had a family gathering yesterday, it was at our house and I agreed that it could go ahead. Oh how I wish I hadn't now. Family didn't know what to say - which isn't their fault, but they don't need to SAY anything, a cuddle instead of avoiding talking to me would have been so much better.
I feel better talking about it, and if people ask I am happy to talk about it. But only one gave me a cuddle and said they were so sorry to hear, but that it was lovely to see me. I then burst into tears but ay least I felt acknowledged, and that someone had acknowledged our loss, my loss!

But then later the same person told me she had miscarried twice when she was young, so it then made sense why she knew what to do xxx

 

[Baylea]

Hi MrsDavo, here's another hug, from me

It's such a painful process isn't it. I understand that it's always hard for other people to know what to say or do, and I'm sure I've been guilty in the past of not saying completely the right things to others who have gone through this. Reading a forum like this would have helped me to know what was appropriate and not.
However I know I've never said anything completely thoughtless or remotely cruel to anyone. I may never have realised the physical trauma of a miscarriage or the loss of faith in one's own body. I did, though, imagine it would be a devastating loss, and I'm finding it hard to understand why so few other people realise this. They seem to either pretend it hasn't happened or brush it off with flippent comments. If 1 in 4 pregnancies end before 12weeks, how come only 1 in 400 people seem to show any compassion towards us?
It's a lonely and isolating experience, and I don't think it should be.

I'm the same MrsDavo, good days and then bad days. My husband went back off to work on Thursday evening (he works away from home), so I'm alone again. This seems like a good place to get some support though. It doesn't seem as if my 'face to face' friends at home are going to 'ease the journey' for me, so babyandbump it is...lets hope it will be bump and baby for us soon. I want my butterfly to flutter back xx

 

[Bing]

So glad to see this thread....good to see other ppl get it.
Ppl tell my wife all this stuff..while she just tries to shrug it off..i know it bothers her.

 

[starlight2801]

I think I've heard most of these in the past few days since I started miscarrying.
Even my own DH said our baby was not a baby yet and just a ball of cells! And it would have been worse if we had seen a scan and a heartbeat...
I'm trying to let it wash over as I wonder if thinking this way is helping him deal with it and to be fair he does acknowledge grief for the promise of a child but... aarrgh !
I'm so sorry for all of our losses xxx

 

[lovewithin]

how about "you probably miscarried because you were subconsciously thinking you weren't ready for the baby, so it happened"?

but the worst thing for me was a total total total silence from my family, they completely avoided me for weeks as they didn't know how to act. when i finally stood up and told them how much they were hurting me like that, everything changed, they acknowledged OUR loss and i got rid of millions of tons of sadness, loneliness, abandonment, grief... unbelievable!

 

[princesspreg]

I bet it was the stress you were under why you lost the baby. WHAT STRESS?!

Remember it was not a heartbeat yet, just a lil thing. SHUT UP!

Maybe next time ha..... LEAVE ME ALONE!

Please haven't a clue.

 

[cupcake]

these are all terrible, I am not telling anyone, I just had to tell my boss, and she said I am so sorry, and I told a good friend who I know had a miscarriage ( and now has a daughter and a baby on the way) but other than that, even my own DH says things that drive me crazy, so I think its better to just keep it to myself.

 

[starlight2801]

I have to call my boss and tell her tomorrow cupcake and I'm filled with dread.
She is the sort of woman who says the wrong thing without fail. For example when my nan died she said 'at least it wasn't close family' and when my sister was diagnosed with cervical cancer her first words were 'now you should prepare yourself that she might die'!!! (thankfully she made a full recovery)
I hate to think what she'll say about this x

 

[MaggzieP]

Definitely had a few of these back in Jan 2010. Including from someone who is meant to be one of my best friends and is now loving rubbing my nose in the fact she's 8 months gone! "When I have mine, you can look after it! It'd be good practice..."

I just avoid the subject now as neither my fiance or I are over it even though it was a while ago now and whenever I do talk about it, I get one of those kinds of responses.

The only person I can talk to is my best friend Naomi who has been TTC for over 3 years like me and the poor love has had 2 miscarriages herself. I think we are each other's support when it comes to that subject. That's also why I wanted to find a place like this with people who know and have been there.

It's such an awful thing to happen to someone. You fall in love with the little thing so quickly/ instantly, whether it was planned or not... just to lose it. It's horrible.

 

[wamommy]

My DH told me (only MINUTES after the bleeding started, mind you)
"let's go to lunch so you can forget about it."

WHAT???? Like Mexican food is so delicious I won't remember I'm bleeding out my baby? ARGH

 

[cupcake]

I have to call my boss and tell her tomorrow cupcake and I'm filled with dread.
She is the sort of woman who says the wrong thing without fail. For example when my nan died she said 'at least it wasn't close family' and when my sister was diagnosed with cervical cancer her first words were 'now you should prepare yourself that she might die'!!! (thankfully she made a full recovery)
I hate to think what she'll say about this x

ugh she sounds awful, I was really lucky my boss offered to help in any way, she was kind, all she asked was that I prepare some instructions for my replacement.
I was off before for my kids being sick and DH in hospital right when I miscarried and she knows I am going through a really tough time.
With your boss just tell her and don't listen to a word she says, you already know she is going to say something terrible, and if she surprises you great, but if not, some people just cant control their mouths, she might even regret it afterwards, its not easy telling anyone...
good luck