What not to say:

[Emmy0320]

Lulul - I seriously cannot believe how many people think it's helpful to say things like "At least you won't have morning sickness!" or won't have a big belly in the summer or hey now you can drink/eat shellfish/whatever again. Just.... ugh, seriously? I would love to have a huge baby belly all summer. I miss my morning sickness. I'd give anything to have it back if it meant I was still pregnant. I don't care if I can eat raw fish and swig vodka all day long, I would rather have a baby.

I know they're trying to be nice, but URGH.

I can't agree more!!!

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy things like coffee, sandwiches, and even beer.

But you know what??? I enjoyed being pregnant so much more and no amount coffee, etc. can make that change. I would give it up again in a heartbeat to have my little baby still growing.

 

[Lulu]

I only found out today but I've had a few off that list already none of it helps. Just coz I've got 2 doesn't mean I shouldn't have more. It just wasn't meant to be ... Oh thanks! I just feel numb and empty and as though no one is really that bothered about it including my husband x

I'm sorry for your loss

I know what you mean, I've got a nearly 3yr old and it feels like people, including DH, seem to be thinking well you've got one so why do you want another. It's been a couple of weeks since I found out and DH is acting like nothing has happened.

 

[MissMummyMoo]

Lulu. I'm sorry for your loss too and also how your OH is acting.

My hubby didn't want this baby it wasn't planned so I just feel as though he's not bothered. I suppose we haven't really spoken about it but I just dunno what to say. x

 

[marginalia]

Lulul - I seriously cannot believe how many people think it's helpful to say things like "At least you won't have morning sickness!" or won't have a big belly in the summer or hey now you can drink/eat shellfish/whatever again. Just.... ugh, seriously? I would love to have a huge baby belly all summer. I miss my morning sickness. I'd give anything to have it back if it meant I was still pregnant. I don't care if I can eat raw fish and swig vodka all day long, I would rather have a baby.

I know they're trying to be nice, but URGH.

Ugh. Exactly. Because being able to have some shrimp and a couple of shots RIGHT NOW is somehow a consolation prize for not having a whole lifetime with a little person you have created. Yup. Makes perfect sense to me.

 

[princesspreg]

"You can always have another one!"

Don't tell me that now in my time of grieve.

 

[bubb]

I was in hospital during misscarrying the nurse in a&e. asked me if i had any other children i said yes two. she asked what i had . i said a girl and a boy with that i got a reply of "oh thats ok then." so its ok the baby that was inside my belly, the brother or sister of my daughter who would kiss it good night is no longer going to be there. No its not ok!

 

[hello_kitty]

Everyone in my family said the same things to me when I miscarried and I didnt like it, but now thinking back...what we're they supposed to say? Is it better to keep quiet?

 

[twist5]

Lulul - I seriously cannot believe how many people think it's helpful to say things like "At least you won't have morning sickness!" or won't have a big belly in the summer or hey now you can drink/eat shellfish/whatever again. Just.... ugh, seriously? I would love to have a huge baby belly all summer. I miss my morning sickness. I'd give anything to have it back if it meant I was still pregnant. I don't care if I can eat raw fish and swig vodka all day long, I would rather have a baby.

I know they're trying to be nice, but URGH.

Ugh. Exactly. Because being able to have some shrimp and a couple of shots RIGHT NOW is somehow a consolation prize for not having a whole lifetime with a little person you have created. Yup. Makes perfect sense to me.

People with kids say the worst things sometimes - like 'you're lucky, you can get a good nights sleep'....thanks! so have you forgotten that the reason I can is because my babies have died!?!

 

[Stash777]

Lulul - I seriously cannot believe how many people think it's helpful to say things like "At least you won't have morning sickness!" or won't have a big belly in the summer or hey now you can drink/eat shellfish/whatever again. Just.... ugh, seriously? I would love to have a huge baby belly all summer. I miss my morning sickness. I'd give anything to have it back if it meant I was still pregnant. I don't care if I can eat raw fish and swig vodka all day long, I would rather have a baby.

I know they're trying to be nice, but URGH.

I can't agree more!!!

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy things like coffee, sandwiches, and even beer.

But you know what??? I enjoyed being pregnant so much more and no amount coffee, etc. can make that change. I would give it up again in a heartbeat to have my little baby still growing.

I just had a chemical the very first cycle after my mc, and while I was still pregnant during the chemical (1 week) I kept saying how easy it was to "give up" all of those things when you know you're pregnant. I think those that have never had to experience a mc just don't understand how we feel and what we're going through no matter how much they try.

Hugs all around to all of you ladies, and FX we all get our rainbow babies soon.

 

[Stash777]

Everyone in my family said the same things to me when I miscarried and I didnt like it, but now thinking back...what we're they supposed to say? Is it better to keep quiet?

Not really keep quiet, but just say they are sorry for the loss and if you need someone to talk to or vent to that they are there to listen. Thankfully, my family and friends (minus two - a "friend" and my sister) were great. Two friends in particular asked if I minded if they came over just to be me so I wasn't alone (DH was dropping off his son at his ex's house - a 3 hour drive there and back). Just having those people who may not really understand but refrain from those "at least" statements is the best thing a friend or family member can do. Pretty much what one would do and say when someone close to that person has lost someone.

 

[Diamonddust]

I had the "at least you can get pregnant" from my best friend, it wasnt until I said yes with my limited low reserve of eggs, and messed up hormone levels its nothing to worry about, her swift reply was Oh... then went on to tell me how she wished she didnt have her daughter, and maybe it was the wrong decison, some people are stupid, and dont think first! such a same really!

 

[lovewithin]

i just had my best friend ever making me a totally insane jealousy scene regarding my bf and the baby we have just lost...
...telling me he couldn't stand me talking about my baby all the time while being pregnant, when HE wanted to talk about HIS new JOB, his new garden swing chair (!!!!) and the new movie he just saw at the cinema (!!!!)...

...and he came to know i was pregnant only 4 days before i miscarried, in which we had 2 coffees and his f**** swing chair was the topic nr 1 he wouldn't shut up about the second time we met.

and he came to tell me this screaming at me at the top of his voice 3 days after i miscarried (2 days after i've left the hospital, still bleeding from d&c and not even able to move properly because of the pain)!!!

 

[cjphelps]

My best friend told me not to talk about it with other people because its not something they want to hear about. Thinking about ending that friendship...

When I told my sister I couldn't attend her baby's birthday party a week after i miscarried she said said "It's not as if your baby would look anything like mine."

I don't think people think far enough into it. It's one of the most painful things you can go through and people will NOT talk about it. All anyone will say is a brief(usually hurtful) comment and then its forgotten about.

 

[cutebowsxx]

I'm currently going through a miscarriage at around 8 weeks pregnant.. I started heavily bleeding on Saturday so phoned the on-call doctor, who sent me an ambulance out, on the way to the hospital the paramedic who was with me in the back started telling me how great it is to have children close together, and that I will love seeing them grow up together.. Even though I was on my way to the hospital in an ambulance as there was a good chance I was loosing my baby! She went on and started talking about the 18 month age gap between her children, saying that it's hard at the time but so worth it and she wouldn't change it for the world.

I've had my own Mum and MIL talk about other women's losses, expecting me to feel sorry for them because 'they've been through much worse' than what I'm going through. I've been told to be grateful that it happened sooner rather than later, before my baby had developed more. May be somewhat true to some extent but it still bloody hurts and is killing me, so just be there for me please

 

[Starry Night]

OH my goodness, I had that speech too. "well, so and so has had (x) amount of miscarriages". Instead of making me feel like I have it so good it felt like a slap in the face that I was being ridiculous to grieve for my baby. Why did I have to compare my pain? I even got the "well, I know some one whose baby died of SIDs and she's being so strong". So implying I was being especially dumb and weak for being that sad for 'only' a miscarriage.

 

[meli1981]

i got the, "it wasnt really a baby", "be grateful for the child you have" (i had a two year old at the time), " just get over it!". i had my mc at eleven weeks, and had a two year old, but even though i had a child it didnt hurt any less. my mom told me more than once it was better to lose the baby early than to have a baby born with defects! my sister wanted me to go out shopping with her just days after my mc and i didnt want to go and she got mad at me! some people are just insensitive and dont understand. they just want to put blinders on when it comes to this kind of pain, so they go to the old standby of it wasnt a baby yet, and it was for the best. for the best of whom? ide like to ask!

 

[SleepyBaby]

it was a blessing in disguise was what i was told when i lost my little one that should be on the list i think

 

[lshapir]

I have experienced many of these comments from friends, family, co-workers. They just don't know what to say. I especially hate the "You're young. You have plenty of time... you will get pregnant again soon." Yes, I am young, but they don't know what is up with my body!! They don't know that it took me TWO years to conceive!

The worst that I experience though was when I told a friend what had happened and she did not say anything! She was silent and changed the subject. OUCH! I would rather people say something and possibly offend me, than not say anything at all. So we should at least be glad that the people in our lives care enough to say something even if it's not the right thing to say.

 

[amore93]

This has been a rollercoaster ride for me. I had been going through a really stressful time and I started showing symptoms of pregnancy. I took a test on Monday and sure enough, it was positive. Then I started getting this heavy bleeding and all these clots, I was freaking out. I took another test at PPH and they said it was negative. They said to wait two weeks and take another test to see if I was pregnant. Their words were , "If you are really pregnant and miscarrying and get another negative test, then you will never know if you are miscarrying. So just think of this as a really heavy period." WTF? I went to my family doctor the next day who confirmed I was miscarrying. Both PPH and my doctor said the reason I mc is because I had depo provera in my system when I concieved. I was given Depo Provera last year and it was only one time, I thought it was out of my system by now, but apparently not. Everyone keeps saying "You were too young, you are still in college, see this as your chance at a future." "This baby wasn't planned so that should be a big sigh of relief" "This is God's way of saying that you weren't ready yet so you should be grateful." "You can have another one when you are ready" NO NO NO NO! Even though my baby wasn't planned and yeah I am young, it was still my baby. I want him back so bad. Since I found out I was mc on my birthday (tuesday) I kept wishing on my candles for him back, to give him a chance of life and to love him. My OH is just as distraught because we still loved the baby even if he wasn't planned. He says "the baby wasn't ready to be in our lives yet so he went back to heaven for a little bit longer until he is ready then he will be back. The baby knew we were ready to love him and cherish him but he knew we weren't financially ready. He is waiting for us to be ready and he will come back to us. We may get pregnant again but it is the same soul, so your baby never really left you." That gave me the most comfort. Knowing my baby is floating up there waiting to come back. I am still so sad though...Its only been 2 days since I found out I was having a mc and I am just lost and confused. I just want my baby back...and I wish the doctors weren't so cruel in saying how I am barely 19...I know girls who had babies at 15 and they are okay now...I am sick of their insensitivity

 

[lovewithin]

amore93, don't listen to those insensitive people, whoever is capable of saying such bullshit has never experienced this and no credit should be given to their words!! it's like hearing a virgin talk about penetrative orgasms and weather it's easier to achieve one doing it doggy style or a missionary...
...and you know what.. my boyfriend said exactly the same that our son forgot to do something up there in the heaven and so he went back.. but that he will come back to us soon i love him so much for saying this and who else can know it better then us moms&dads ourselves?