What not to say:

Thankyou cupcake :hugs:
It didn't actually go as bad as I thought in the sense that she didn't say anything terrible. She just made sympathetic noises here and there which was fine.
She turned around when I said I had a sick note for two weeks though. She didn't say anything awful but I could tell she wasn't happy with me being off work.
All in all was expecting it to be much worse though x
 
Ive been very lucky in that I've received some truly amazing support. It's a shame that it's had to come from some unexpected people. Those who are closest to me have struggled to support me but I understand that they are experiencing this loss too. We told our close friends very early on as we already had gone through one MC so wanted their support should the worst happen, which it did.

Our baby had a happy healthy heartbeat at 6weeks 2 days but a scan three weeks later showed that the heartbeat had stopped just four days after that. D&C was at 9 weeks 2 days.

There is a woman that I work with who INSISTED on coming round even though I've never been close to her. She stayed for almost 8 hours chatting to me as it transpired she had suffered two losses herself, one being only a few months ago and a second trimester loss, only a week or so away from medical intervention being able to make a difference. Like me, she has had two losses with no living children. And I know it sounds supremely awful but she helped me so much simply because she knows what it's like to have had two losses and didn't say all the foot in mouth stuff that other people have been saying. Most of all she is there whenever I need her to simply tell me that what I am thinking or feeling is a normal part of this hideous process. She has been a rock.

WHAT DEFINITELY NOT TO DO!!

My SIL seems to have taken what happened to me as a time to start gushing about being a mother on facebook(DAMN Facebook I really should just stop using it but for some reason I can't!) the following status updates are genuinely taken from her Facebook page and BTW she was fully informed of what was happening with our baby:

Not even 48 hours after my ERPC "<3 my girls so much, love being a mummy"

"love being a mummy"

Four days after my ERPC "anyone want my baby who doesn't sleep through the night at I'm exhausted"

"(child's name) has learned to blow raspberries. Too cute. Love being a mummy"

"I'm just happy...for the life I have, the family I treasure"

"I love being a mummy so much"

And the one that finally broke me so much that I blocked her status updates was this:

"looking at my children lets me know I've done something beautiful with my life"

DAMN my life must be fuck ugly after two lost babies then! It's a shame that all I've got to prove for my crappy life without children is a happy marriage, our own home, a successful career and two degrees. SCREAM!

I also hate the following statement from other people

"third time lucky". Amazing. Thank you for your wisdom. You sure must have had to dig deep to find those comforting words. You jackass.

I also hate hearing "I don't know what to say to make it better". Of course you don't. Because no words will make it better but now you've just made it awkward for me by telling me how hard it is to support me I feel a little worse. Cheers.

I've had lots of people telling me that I'm being too ha on those around me and sometimes they're right but why can't people just think a little more?! When I told my SIL she had upset me she said "I wish I could empathise". Well, why the feck don't you just pretend that you can empathise and err on the side of caution then you idiot?!

*Disclaimer- if there are a million spelling mistakes in this I apologise but the combination of me being mad when thinking about what I've been through along with the fact that my iPad hates me and wants me to look like an idiot by making up random autocorrect words means that it's highly likely there will be a lot of strange words in this post!*
 
Many hugs to you redmonkeysock. :hugs:

People really suck sometimes. xx
 
@redmonkeysock

I genuinely laughed out loud when I read your post. I'm kind of a wuss when it comes to other people, and you said ALL of the things I REALLY want to say!! Thank you for making me feel like I'm not a bad person for being pissed off at people who just DO NOT handle this whole thing well.

My husband said something that made me so mad I had to leave the room yesterday. He said, "the two you miscarried were probably girls. Maybe God knows I want a boy." OMG, what an insensitive ass.
 
how about "you probably miscarried because you were subconsciously thinking you weren't ready for the baby, so it happened"?

OMG/S - my friend at work just said that to me the other day...It makes me feel better that its a thing that other people say...I may start speaking to her again next week...
 
My mum replied to my text from A&E when I had been complaining about waiting to be seen: 'Maybe if this doesnt work out, you might think about taking out private health insurance xoxoxo'.

I actually lol'd - it was heartless but so full of heart at the same thyme...

And, yes, mum: I am thinking about taking up private health insurance before doing this again...but thyme and place? Really?!
 
@redmonkeysock

I genuinely laughed out loud when I read your post. I'm kind of a wuss when it comes to other people, and you said ALL of the things I REALLY want to say!! Thank you for making me feel like I'm not a bad person for being pissed off at people who just DO NOT handle this whole thing well.

My husband said something that made me so mad I had to leave the room yesterday. He said, "the two you miscarried were probably girls. Maybe God knows I want a boy." OMG, what an insensitive ass.


Haha you're welcome! Sometimes I feel so full of venom and bitterness that I need to let it out! My friend who has had two losses tells me how perfectly normal all the things Im feeling are which makes me feel a whole lot better plus if I'm allowed to express these things then they take up a lot less room in my head which is better for m mental health! I'm glad I could make you feel better :flower:
Re your hubby, OUCH!

Sending hugs your way xxx
 
redmonkeysock, I too would like to thank you for your post! Made me laugh out loud for the first time since I started miscarrying my 2nd baby 2 days ago...and made me feel more normal since I have similar thoughts to you...:hugs:
 
redmonkeysock, I too would like to thank you for your post! Made me laugh out loud for the first time since I started miscarrying my 2nd baby 2 days ago...and made me feel more normal since I have similar thoughts to you...:hugs:

I'm so, so sorry for your loss chick xxx nobody should have to go through it at all, ever! Sending massive hugs your way xxx

I'll tell you something- don't let ANYONE make you feel like you're being unreasonable. If ever there's a time to be selfish and demanding then it is now! If someone hurts you with their words or behaviour then that's how you feel and it is valid no matter how people try to tell you otherwise!

Xxxx
 
Oh and jus another random angry thought of the day from me- the next time someone thinks that it's perfectly acceptable to answer my sad news with "will you be trying again" I'm going to ask them when they're next planning to suck their husband off. I think it's only fair :dohh:
 
I'm finding that it makes me feel stronger when people say stupid things to me because I have someone to direct my anger at. When people say, "I'm sorry for your loss," it just makes me want to cry.
 
Slightly related to the topic but here's not what to say to someone who's very newly pregnant especially if the speaker is someone who's had a miscarriage, herself:

"Don't be overwhelmed by the attention your (announcement) is getting as so many things could happen in the next few weeks. I had a ultrasound and found that there was no heartbeat....."

This stressed me out and still stresses me out enough to entertain such thoughts.
 
I fell pregnant when I was 18. I had a friend who was really not very good with people and socialising. Whilst I was pregnant I told him my fears about having a miscarriage, and he laughed. I told him that if I had a miscarriage it wouldn't be funny, he said "On the contrary my dear it would be hilarious." I was pretty upset by that.

Then, I did have a miscarriage. He said it wasn't something to really get upset over. I told him to imagine losing a family member, and told him that it was like that. He didn't believe that losing an unborn baby could be like losing a family member.

Then I told him that I had to go to an ultrasound scan to make sure that I had miscarried fully. He laughed, and said, it would be funny if there was just an arm left inside.

I put up with the fact he said horrible things and didn't understand that he was hurting people for a long time, but this was the end of our friendship, and we now don't talk anymore.

Kaz x
 
Oh, and I also forgot to post what my boyfriend at the time's father said when he told him that I'd had a miscarriage.

"You dodged a bullet there, didn't you?"

!!!

Kaz x
 
Oh and another one I've just remembered! An online friend said "Look on the bright side, at least you can drink now"!!! What is wrong with people!!

Kaz x
 
Heres some I have heard...


It was for the best - (how the hell was it for the best that I go through this emotional pain and a life has died inside of me??)

Everything happens for a reason - (give me one good reason for a miscarriage with a couple that have been trying over and over)

You aren't married or ready for a baby anyway - (This was said to me from my current MIL when me and my now husband weren't married yet with our 2nd miscarriage and who the hell is ever really ready for such a big change?).

At least now you can go have fun and be young - (been there done that I don't want to have fun, drink and party anymore!!!)

You should adopt its a better thing to do anyway - (this is coming from someone who had kids of her own, maybe I should have responded why didn't you adopt if it was the best thing to do!)

You should find a Surrogate mother - (I want to feel life growing inside me not someone else doing that job for me!!!! I don't know why but that one erks me the most.)
 
Heres one I've literally heard THREE times since being told my baby was ectopic 2 days ago:

"At least now you know you can get pregnant". Awesome. After 4 years of trying, I'm much happier now that I know I can get pregnant and NOT keep the baby.

Oh, and from my mother:

"Well, that baby was artificially created (I got pregnant through IUI), I'm sure if it were a natural baby everything would have been fine." WTF?!?!
 
Heres one I've literally heard THREE times since being told my baby was ectopic 2 days ago:

"At least now you know you can get pregnant". Awesome. After 4 years of trying, I'm much happier now that I know I can get pregnant and NOT keep the baby.

Oh, and from my mother:

"Well, that baby was artificially created (I got pregnant through IUI), I'm sure if it were a natural baby everything would have been fine." WTF?!?!

that is just awful! im so sorry:hugs:
one that i got that i hated, "be greatful for the kid you already have"
i had a miscarriage after my first daughter, and to this comment i responded "gee, thanks!"
 

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