What not to say:

[Bubsta]

Oh Redmonkeysock, thank you. THANK YOU. Thank you for writing all the things that I've been thinking. Your post made me angry in all the places that you were angry... For all the stupid heartless and thoughtless things that people say... And you made me laugh for all the bitchy responses that you wanted to say and didn't... Because they are all the bitchy things that I want to say too and don't. It's good to know that someone else feels and thinks the way that I do. Thanks!

And as for you SIL... She needs a good smack up the side of her head!! Xx

 

[Bubsta]

Just had to vent... I was doin ok, thought I'd check out what was happening in the world of Facebook, then BAM, out of the blue, came across a post that someone put up, oh a tiny baby sitting in the palms of someones hand, with words along the lines of, this is what a baby of 12weeks looks like and how abortion is wrong. OMFG, I was so...unhappy shall we say. I didn't know whether I wanted to cry because I so would have loved to have my little baby still growing inside me, or if I wanted to scream out of anger. What about all these people that lost their babies through no fault of their own... Do they really need to see these images? Does it make them feel better to put such a confronting image on FB to put their views onto other people? It's clearly obvious why this person put this image up on facebook, but it is going to affect most people negatively and it's just not necessary. that's my grrr for today. X

 

[RaeJay]

I found out yesterday that my baby had died and in the space of 24hrs I've heard all but 3 off that list. How the bloody eff does someone know that MY BABY 'wasnt meant to be'?

Those comments hurt more than the acceptance that my baby isn't alive.

 

[lxb]

Just had my D&C on 7/31. And the male nurse told me..

"My mom had FIVE of these!! Did you know 1/4 pregnancies ended in MC?"

.... no kidding. That's not something I need to hear right now.

 

[Annie77]

Well I really challenged things as talking about miscarriage and loss is not something our family does!
I heard most of the normal things 'oh it is for the best if something wasn't right with it' or 'well at least you knw you can get pregnant'

What really riles me though is when my work colleague has referred to my ectopic as my miscarriage like 'oh that must have happened when you were off after your miscarriage'
I have had two miscarriages and they were nothing like my ectopic, my ectopic was so scary and the treatment was awful, causing me to be off work for weeks. My 'baby' didn't die of natural causes - the methotrexate that I chose to take essentially caused the pregnancy to end. I know there was no choice really but I still feel guilty somehow.

I don't mean it as disrespectful to people who have had miscarriages but saying an ectopic is the same as a miscarriage is not quite right. I found my miscarriags heartbreakingly sad but s much less traumatic than the ectopic & I just wish she would either learn the difference or shut up.

 

[starlightlynn]

I miscarried 3 times(in 05, 07 and around April/may of this year(before 12 weeks)) and was told all 3 times that it was my meds that caused the m/c. Dr can be so cold at times and very ignorant

 

[BrookeKeana]

I couldn't agree more! People who haven't been through it always seem to say something to put their foot in it with me. I try not to even discuss it with people unless they know what it's like, just to avoid stupid hurtful comments like that! x

 

[Topanga053]

This is amazing to read! DH and I just found out last Friday that we have a blighted ovum and I've heard pretty much ALL of these already. I know everyone means well, but right now, I just want people to mourn the loss of THIS baby with us!

 

[acarrier]

I've heard a few hurtful thinks myself and I know people mean well but the "happened for a reason" one boggles my mind why someone would say that!
I had my 2 week check up after my D&C on 7/31 and I told my mom the Dr. said to wait at least 2 cycles of AF to TTC again...and she said "well theres no hurry" I was confussed for a moment and a little shocked. I know she means well (I think) but I didnt think she was in any place to say that. What if I am in a hurry after lossing my baby! Anyway, coming from my mom I was a little hurt but didnt say anything.

 

[lxb]

I've heard a few hurtful thinks myself and I know people mean well but the "happened for a reason" one boggles my mind why someone would say that!
I had my 2 week check up after my D&C on 7/31 and I told my mom the Dr. said to wait at least 2 cycles of AF to TTC again...and she said "well theres no hurry" I was confussed for a moment and a little shocked. I know she means well (I think) but I didnt think she was in any place to say that. What if I am in a hurry after lossing my baby! Anyway, coming from my mom I was a little hurt but didnt say anything.

hey~~ I had my d&c on 7/31 as well but the doc told me to wait for 3 cycles to ttc again (I've decided I'm going to ttc after 2 cycles~ as it seems like a happy medium from what I've been told). I think your mom is just worry about your emotional well being

have you gotten your AF yet?

 

[Melbelle02]

Many couples who experience miscarriage are subjected to thoughtless comments from people who probably mean well but don't understand that what they're saying not only doesn't help but may hurt the feelings of someone who has miscarried. Here are some examples of things you should not say to someone who has had a miscarriage:

- It was for the best
- At least you know you can get pregnant
- Something was probably wrong with it
- Maybe God knows you are not ready to have children
- You're trying too hard. Just relax, and it will happen.
- Take my kids for an afternoon, and I promise you won't be so sad about losing the baby.
- Be glad. Having a baby changes your life; think of all the fun things you wouldn't have been able to do anymore.
- You should just be happy you have one/two/three children already. You don't need anymore.
- it was just a blob of cells. It wasn't a real baby.
- You're young. You'll get pregnant again
- It happens all the time; it's nothing to worry about
- At least you weren't very far along
- It wasn't meant to be
- It probably happened because ______________.

I really try not to get mad at people when they say this stuff but I just can't!
I always hear it was for the best, well atleast we know you can get pregnant, your young, think of all the things you get to still do now. at least you werent very far along. i just wasnt meant to be.

Well, ya know what, I tell my girlfriends when a jerk breaks their heart that it was for the best because he was a jerk and she can do better and it works there, but not for this. If it was for the best, I wouldn't feel this way.

And yea, I can get pregnant. Most people can. But I lost that baby. And I wanted that one. And just because I can get knocked up again, doesn't mean I won't lose another baby.

If I hear one more time about how I am young look at all the things I still get to do and all the alone time we still have to spend together I am going to self destruct. I wanted that baby, ok. I loved that baby enough to give up anything I couldn't do anymore after I found out I had it inside me and when it got out of me for the rest of it's life. It's what I wanted. I know most 21 year old college students are at toga parties and keggers and taking spring break trips. I never did that stuff anyways. I wanted family vacations to the beach. I WANTED my life to change.

It just wasn't meant to be. Ok, i'll be sure to tell you that when you cant pay your car payment this month because saying that to me in my situation makes as much sense for me to say that to you in that situation. "You didn't get enough hours at work? Guess it just wasn't meant to be."

I just lost a child. Either say you are sorry for my loss and grieve with me or move on. I'm very fragile right now, and if you cant do the simplest human instinct to do when a death occurs that I'd rather you do nothing at all.

 

[Stash777]

Many couples who experience miscarriage are subjected to thoughtless comments from people who probably mean well but don't understand that what they're saying not only doesn't help but may hurt the feelings of someone who has miscarried. Here are some examples of things you should not say to someone who has had a miscarriage:

- It was for the best
- At least you know you can get pregnant
- Something was probably wrong with it
- Maybe God knows you are not ready to have children
- You're trying too hard. Just relax, and it will happen.
- Take my kids for an afternoon, and I promise you won't be so sad about losing the baby.
- Be glad. Having a baby changes your life; think of all the fun things you wouldn't have been able to do anymore.
- You should just be happy you have one/two/three children already. You don't need anymore.
- it was just a blob of cells. It wasn't a real baby.
- You're young. You'll get pregnant again
- It happens all the time; it's nothing to worry about
- At least you weren't very far along
- It wasn't meant to be
- It probably happened because ______________.

I really try not to get mad at people when they say this stuff but I just can't!
I always hear it was for the best, well atleast we know you can get pregnant, your young, think of all the things you get to still do now. at least you werent very far along. i just wasnt meant to be.

Well, ya know what, I tell my girlfriends when a jerk breaks their heart that it was for the best because he was a jerk and she can do better and it works there, but not for this. If it was for the best, I wouldn't feel this way.

And yea, I can get pregnant. Most people can. But I lost that baby. And I wanted that one. And just because I can get knocked up again, doesn't mean I won't lose another baby.

If I hear one more time about how I am young look at all the things I still get to do and all the alone time we still have to spend together I am going to self destruct. I wanted that baby, ok. I loved that baby enough to give up anything I couldn't do anymore after I found out I had it inside me and when it got out of me for the rest of it's life. It's what I wanted. I know most 21 year old college students are at toga parties and keggers and taking spring break trips. I never did that stuff anyways. I wanted family vacations to the beach. I WANTED my life to change.

It just wasn't meant to be. Ok, i'll be sure to tell you that when you cant pay your car payment this month because saying that to me in my situation makes as much sense for me to say that to you in that situation. "You didn't get enough hours at work? Guess it just wasn't meant to be."

I just lost a child. Either say you are sorry for my loss and grieve with me or move on. I'm very fragile right now, and if you cant do the simplest human instinct to do when a death occurs that I'd rather you do nothing at all.

Oh hun, I am so sorry for your loss. Big big big It sucks, it's not fair, and no one (unless they've been through the same) understands. It doesn't matter how far along you were, how young/old you are, or who you're with...it still hurts just the same. I've had two mc's with DH and a false positive years ago (though I'm starting to think it was a chemical), and even the false positive was hard to deal with (even though it definitely was for the best -
I was young, with an abusive ex-bf) at that point.

It gets better, though it takes time, but you won't forget. Big to you all!

 

[LemonZest]

What really riles me though is when my work colleague has referred to my ectopic as my miscarriage like 'oh that must have happened when you were off after your miscarriage'
I have had two miscarriages and they were nothing like my ectopic, my ectopic was so scary and the treatment was awful, causing me to be off work for weeks. My 'baby' didn't die of natural causes - the methotrexate that I chose to take essentially caused the pregnancy to end. I know there was no choice really but I still feel guilty somehow.

I'm trying to keep working through my ectopic treatment, but of course, there are a few people in my office who know the situation. My male boss has been fantastic and very sensitive to the issue. Two female coworkers, however, and both of them mothers, have commented, "So you basically had an abortion?" No. Not only is it NOT an abortion to take MTX to stop a tubal that's causing internal bleeding and has zero chance of developing into a (very wanted) baby, but that is absolutely not a word to ever use to a woman losing a child.

 

[abcdee80]

i went to a post MC gynaecology appointment only to have the Gyn tell me while smiling "you know you didnt loose a REAL baby"

i was in shock, or i would have decked him..

i haven't heard from either of my closest aunties since i responded to thier inconsiderate comments on facebook..

i have no affiliation with religion but one aunty decided to tell me why god made it happen, the other told me she knew i didnt want to talk about my loss, but then went on to compare my baby to an 89year old woman's death.. seriously on what planet is loosing a baby that you have never been able to raise comparable to someone dying naturally at an old age?.. aparently my response has cut all communication "everything coming to mind right now will just offend you so im going" i thought i was being relatively polite considering the conversation..

one family member tried to give me the "she'll be right , you can have another one.. the next one will be ok" speach while i was in limbo waiting for my miscarriage to begin..

 

[MrsMoose]

i went to a post MC gynaecology appointment only to have the Gyn tell me while smiling "you know you didnt loose a REAL baby"

i was in shock, or i would have decked him..

i haven't heard from either of my closest aunties since i responded to thier inconsiderate comments on facebook..

i have no affiliation with religion but one aunty decided to tell me why god made it happen, the other told me she knew i didnt want to talk about my loss, but then went on to compare my baby to an 89year old woman's death.. seriously on what planet is loosing a baby that you have never been able to raise comparable to someone dying naturally at an old age?.. aparently my response has cut all communication "everything coming to mind right now will just offend you so im going" i thought i was being relatively polite considering the conversation..

one family member tried to give me the "she'll be right , you can have another one.. the next one will be ok" speach while i was in limbo waiting for my miscarriage to begin..

It makes me so angry when people think they know how you're feeling. If you don't know what to say, honestly, it's ok to say 'I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine what you're going through' and leave it at that. We're not going to think you're a bad person because you couldn't come up with the right words to say at a time like this! I told my parents tonight that I had a miscarriage over the weekend, and my mom told me that it's God's plan and that it's my body's way of rejecting a baby that may have been born "r3tard3d" (sorry for odd spelling but BnB wouldn't let me use the original). I couldn't believe it. I still can't. I know she was trying to be practical and pragmatic (my mom's not the emotional kind) but my God I couldn't believe the words that came out of her mouth. Still in shock.

Carmen. xx

 

[JulyHopes4]

I keep hearing "things will get better"....well after 2 MMC in 6 months it's hard for me to picture things getting better; my fragile mind/spirit is BROKEN. I cannot conceive that things will get better or that I will "move on", but thanks for the attempt at comfort..?

 

[AngelNoelle]

My MIL visited us a week after my MC and asked me how I was feeling. As I began to respond, she interrupted me and said, pointing to the TV, "Oh just look at that little one, that baby's laugh is so sweet! I just love this commercial." The (insert curse word here) actually interrupted me to point to a baby on tv and told ME to look at how cute it was. After that, the topic of conversation was changed, by her, and I was stunned into silence. I have hated her ever since and I will for the rest of my life.

It would have been her youngest son's first baby, but what does she care, her (favorite child) daughter was pg as well as her other son's wife. We were all pg together, theirs went term. That makes 3 for her older son, 3 for her daughter and add in 4 stepchildren so a total of 7 for her! Youngest son has ZERO! But I'm supposed to gush over how cute some baby is on TV?

 

[princesspreg]

Can I touch your belly?

AND PROCEEDS TO POKE MY BELLY!!

STOP IT!

 

[Taurus8484]

My DH's cousin had a baby 3 months before our 1st loss. After our 1st loss, she sent us a card saying how sorry she was that we were going through a miscarriage and how heartbreaking it must be for us and she was thinking of us blah blah (obviously MIL couldnt keep her mouth shut and told people), and at the end of the card, I have included a picture of Max (their 3 month old baby) for you.

Yeah, I just lost our baby and you include a picture of yours in the sympathy card you sent us!!!! Im mean really, do people not stop and think!!!!!

 

[wannabewillow]

I'm getting gloriously hideous palliatives from my neighbours trying to help. They are lovely, but ultimately stupid. They include
'I wish you never told us in the first place, I always had a bad feeling about this pregnancy.'
'If the embryo isn't coming away, you and DH should BD like crazy and it'll come away the next day' WTF
'it's in a better place' Yeah, cause my womb isn't good enough!
And this is the icing on the cake.....
'I don't know why you're so scared of the pain of passing it naturally, when I had my miscarriage, it was just like a heavy period... Don't take any pain relief, you don't want to supress your symptoms, it'll only take longer.... are you sure you want to go for a D and C when your body can do it naturally?'

My body is not doing it naturally, sex is the LAST thing on our mind, my miscarriage, my choice. I told my neighbours because they like a drink and I'd be called a boring bleep for turning down alcohol/going home early!
Rant over