What not to say:

[Mirriel]

One of my sisters rang me drunk on thursday, the night i miscarried and asked if I was still bleeding if i was gonna have a dnc and that she knew how i felt because when she had an abortion she cried the next day! What??? I didn't even have the energy to get cross, i just let her ramble on then broke down when she finally ended the call!
But everybody else in my family have been lovely and my OH a total rock, without him i dont know where i'd be, he told our son for me coz i couldnt face it and has been there every step of the way. I know my sister didn't mean to upset me I think people just dont know what to say and end up saying the wrong thing.

 

[Spot]

Many couples who experience miscarriage are subjected to thoughtless comments from people who probably mean well but don't understand that what they're saying not only doesn't help but may hurt the feelings of someone who has miscarried. Here are some examples of things you should not say to someone who has had a miscarriage:

- It was for the best
- At least you know you can get pregnant
- Something was probably wrong with it
- Maybe God knows you are not ready to have children
- You're trying too hard. Just relax, and it will happen.
- Take my kids for an afternoon, and I promise you won't be so sad about losing the baby.
- Be glad. Having a baby changes your life; think of all the fun things you wouldn't have been able to do anymore.
- You should just be happy you have one/two/three children already. You don't need anymore.
- it was just a blob of cells. It wasn't a real baby.
- You're young. You'll get pregnant again
- It happens all the time; it's nothing to worry about
- At least you weren't very far along
- It wasn't meant to be
- It probably happened because ______________.

bloody hell.

All bar one of those has been said to me this week. I've got to the point, that I just agree now.

My dad though, really wish I hadn't got mum to tell him that I lost another baby. He wont speak to me, he is disgusted with me because I'm not married.

I'm 42, not 16

 

[Louise79]

I've had a few of those said to me once I told people about my D&C after my MMC 3 weeks ago. My MIL said 'were you disappointed?' - I was flabbergasted, felt like saying 'no, I of course not, I mean it was only my first pregnancy after 2.5yrs of TTC'..... Grrr then she said 'never mind, next time maybe'. This coming from a woman who has had miscarriages..... I was so angry. Rant over!!!

 

[FeLynn]

my stupid best friend who I have known for 11 years said "be glad you dont have any girls" you stupid **** how dare you. She knows my 3rd loss was my 1st princess that we know of and she knows how badly I have always wanted my own little girl since i have always helped with my little sisters since they were babies. I felt that to be so hurtful I really wanted to punch her in the face. I am so glad we are in different states.

 

[Spot]

my stupid best friend who I have known for 11 years said "be glad you dont have any girls" you stupid **** how dare you. She knows my 3rd loss was my 1st princess that we know of and she knows how badly I have always wanted my own little girl since i have always helped with my little sisters since they were babies. I felt that to be so hurtful I really wanted to punch her in the face. I am so glad we are in different states.

That's awful

My dad still acts as if nothing has happened!

 

[Katie94]

I think the worst thing that has been said to me was by my mum, she said that I shouldn't be upset, because I only knew I was pregnant for a few days, I was only told 24 hours ago that I was miscarrying so I did not have the time to enjoy being pregnant but I still had that life inside me, I thought that she would have been different having had miscarrages and a still birth :'(

 

[tamithomas]

The worst I got was I miscarried the same weekend as a friend of mine gave birth. I was 5 weeks along, my DH told him about our MC and I quote "that sucks, but enough about you when are you guys coming to see the baby?" needless to say my DH still has contact with him but I don't. How dare our friend have that reaction when he just had their own that same weekend? He really didn't help his stereotype with teen fathers. ps it took us 3 years just to conceive the bean.

 

[tamithomas]

But I think the best thing TO DO is what my DH did..literally say nothing and just listen. That's the best thing you can do for a women miscarrying. He let cry it out for days on end, listened to every rant and rave i had to make. It was refreshing. Sometimes silence is the best option

 

[BrokenfoREVer]

I found out I'd miscarried yesterday, but I actually lost the baby over a week ago. My bleeding had totally stopped for a week when I had my scan.

So far I've had:

Sometimes it happens
Well, you expected it didn't you
At least you were prepared for the worst
You can try again
Well, it was only early days

Thats all from family & ILs. My friends have been amazing.

I don't want to try again. We wanted this baby!!

I feel crazy grieving for a 6 week baby. But she was a life, a heartbeat, our child (I know she was a girl) I'm just numb. Like yesterday I still thought I was pregnant. Today, I'm empty.

Those words will haunt me til I die. "I'm so sorry, its not good news"

 

[LuckyMommyof2]

Many couples who experience miscarriage are subjected to thoughtless comments from people who probably mean well but don't understand that what they're saying not only doesn't help but may hurt the feelings of someone who has miscarried. Here are some examples of things you should not say to someone who has had a miscarriage:

- It was for the best
- At least you know you can get pregnant
- Something was probably wrong with it
- Maybe God knows you are not ready to have children
- You're trying too hard. Just relax, and it will happen.
- Take my kids for an afternoon, and I promise you won't be so sad about losing the baby.
- Be glad. Having a baby changes your life; think of all the fun things you wouldn't have been able to do anymore.
- You should just be happy you have one/two/three children already. You don't need anymore.
- it was just a blob of cells. It wasn't a real baby.
- You're young. You'll get pregnant again
- It happens all the time; it's nothing to worry about
- At least you weren't very far along
- It wasn't meant to be
- It probably happened because ______________.

bloody hell.

All bar one of those has been said to me this week. I've got to the point, that I just agree now.

My dad though, really wish I hadn't got mum to tell him that I lost another baby. He wont speak to me, he is disgusted with me because I'm not married.

I'm 42, not 16

I'm 43 and experiencing my first miscarriage. I had my first baby at 39 and my second at 42. Don't give up!

 

[LuckyMommyof2]

I found out I'd miscarried yesterday, but I actually lost the baby over a week ago. My bleeding had totally stopped for a week when I had my scan.

So far I've had:

Sometimes it happens
Well, you expected it didn't you
At least you were prepared for the worst
You can try again
Well, it was only early days

Thats all from family & ILs. My friends have been amazing.

I don't want to try again. We wanted this baby!!



I feel crazy grieving for a 6 week baby. But she was a life, a heartbeat, our child (I know she was a girl) I'm just numb. Like yesterday I still thought I was pregnant. Today, I'm empty.

Those words will haunt me til I die. "I'm so sorry, its not good news"

I too found out yesterday my baby had no heartbeat. My parents and brother have been so awesome, they have even cried with me saying they just want to take away my pain. Other people are clueless saying, you'll be pregnant in a few months, at least it happened early on, etc., etc.

My baby was 7 weeks and I know exactly how you're feeling. Just remember the baby could have been 1 day old or 1 year old, a baby, is a baby, is a baby.

 

[peppermintpat]

I agree with all of you. Im 16 and I lost my baby 5 months ago. I was only a few weeks along. And my best friend knew about the baby and when I lost the baby her and her boyfriend were deciding to have sex for the first time. I told her to be safe and be careful just trying to watch out for my friend so she didnt go through what I did. And the reply I got shocked me. She said to me why should I listen to you? You and your boyfriend had unprotected sex and you got pregnant. Then you lost it and thats what you get for having unprotected sex. To me it sounded like she was saying its a good thing I lost the baby because I deserved it for making a stupid mistake. I would never say something like that to someone who has gone through what Im going through right now. You just dont say stuff like that to anyone. Its not right.

Sorry if I got on a rant. It just makes me mad that my best friend would say something like that.

 

[LuckyMommyof2]

I agree with all of you. Im 16 and I lost my baby 5 months ago. I was only a few weeks along. And my best friend knew about the baby and when I lost the baby her and her boyfriend were deciding to have sex for the first time. I told her to be safe and be careful just trying to watch out for my friend so she didnt go through what I did. And the reply I got shocked me. She said to me why should I listen to you? You and your boyfriend had unprotected sex and you got pregnant. Then you lost it and thats what you get for having unprotected sex. To me it sounded like she was saying its a good thing I lost the baby because I deserved it for making a stupid mistake. I would never say something like that to someone who has gone through what Im going through right now. You just dont say stuff like that to anyone. Its not right.

Sorry if I got on a rant. It just makes me mad that my best friend would say something like that.

Ouch! Is she a true friend? You might have to explore that one. Some people have said the dumbest things to me since my m/c. I honestly think these people don't get it & have no idea what to say & say whatever comes to mind but they really mean no harm. I hope that's the case with your best friend. Rant on darlin'!

 

[Kmonster]

I agree. I got from people,

- Your baby would have been "sick" or "disabled"
- It's for the best, I don't think you guys were ready.
- At least it was only an embryo not an actual baby.
- You can always try again later
- At least you know you can get pregnant.

Are you kidding me, it was a baby. It was our baby!
This was all from family, and some friends.
Ti'll this day I will always remember my baby, which would have been a year last month September 9th.

My heart goes out to all of you.

 

[jgirl7]

I'm going through my 3rd miscarriage now, and I had not told many people this time. Everyone that knows this time around is being very supportive about everything. But probably the worst thing that has been said to me through all of this is before my 2nd miscarriage. (I had 2 MC 2 months in a row) After the first one I was very worried after I got pregnant the month after. This lady I used to work with knew I was stressed and she said to me "you don't need to stress right now or you will make your body expell the baby." I mean I know stress isn't good, but who the heck says that?!?! People just don't have any idea what to say...it would be much better if they just said "I'm so sorry" or "I'm here if you want to talk."...or maybe just don't say anything. ugh I'll never forget her saying that to me.

 

[LuckyMommyof2]

People say the dumbest things and the sad thing is, on the receiving end, we don't forget what was said and who said it too.

 

[BrokenfoREVer]

I'm start to think I'd rather my BILs put their foot in it rather than just ignore it!! My BIL cared more about Leeds winning the fucking cup than he does about my child.

At best it's bad manners. At worst it's downright insulting!

I'm so angry!

 

[ames03]

My neighbor is my age (35) with 2 kids. She knows I have had 3 m/c. The other day, she was telling me that her 2 year old had strep. I said "bless her heart, but don't tell my husband, he was holding her the other night, and he'll swear she got him sick if he so much as has a tickle in his throat". It was kind of a joke b/c my husband is a germophobe. Anyway, her reply was "oh God, he doesn't need to have his own kids, he'll always live in fear of germs". I just walked away. I had no words. She KNOWS we are trying. She KNOWS!!!!! UGH!

 

[AngelNoelle]

My neighbor is my age (35) with 2 kids. She knows I have had 3 m/c. The other day, she was telling me that her 2 year old had strep. I said "bless her heart, but don't tell my husband, he was holding her the other night, and he'll swear she got him sick if he so much as has a tickle in his throat". It was kind of a joke b/c my husband is a germophobe. Anyway, her reply was "oh God, he doesn't need to have his own kids, he'll always live in fear of germs". I just walked away. I had no words. She KNOWS we are trying. She KNOWS!!!!! UGH!

That is so mean!!! Maybe she doesn't need to have any friends if that how she's gonna be!

 

[Zebra2023]

It is pure awful with what people to say to us who have miscarriages.

I have had these said to me after 4 miscarriages

It is trying to tell you you are not ready for a baby.
It is a good job because we won't cope with a baby.
A good job because you can enjoy your life together.
You are fat so you miscarried (I am not that big)
You are on the large side so you should lose weight than your baby might stand more of a chance.
It will happen again just move on.
Nature had to take its course, if it didn't your baby will be ill or disabled
Least it was early on.
Least you know you can get pregnant.

I have had people say to me you don't need to have a baby to keep your Husband to be (no idea where they got that from because it isn't what I am doing)

I really don't think people get it to be honest, pure nasty!