What not to say:

[peo]

I had my first mc when I was about 12 weeks along. If it didn't happen my baby would have been 3 months old now. I couldn't bring myself to even ttc until now. I got all sorts of comments on it at the time, including the common one - its for the better, it might have been sick or disabled. And I just wanted to scream at them - its my baby, don't call her "it"!

But the worst thing I was told was from one of my best girlfriends (who was in early pregnancy at the time) who told me - ah you got it easier, at least you have one kid already, its much worse for women who have miscarriage first.

It made me feel like I shouldn't be feeling what I was (and still am) feeling, because I should be grateful I have a child and just forget about the lost one. But that was my baby too and it was gone and as grateful as I am for my daughter i still grieved for the lost one.

Now I had a 2nd miscarriage and we will only tell my mom. I guess its easier to deal with it on our own.

 

[Angelbaby_01]

My first baby is born in december last year abd we had quite a struggle since birth and where in and out of the hospital. Now ten months later she is a perfect healthy little girl.

In Feb I got pregnant again and didn't know, but had this feeling inside of me I where. The doctor didn't believe me and then she said she doesn't want to do a sonar after I requested. So I went home did the pregnancy test and I got a bfp, went for bloods a week afterwards and the beta test came back low. They said to me it is an unsuccessfull pregnancy. So 4 weeks later I started bleeding badly, had strong pains and I felt sick. So we went to the doctor that confirmed a miscarriage.

My best friend at that stage was angry at me for an unknown reason (she was pregnant at the time and is having her baby tomorrow) she made it clear that she doesn't want to talk to me and that I am lying. She made me feel like a liar and failure.

People just tell me to get over it and what if something badly was wrong like with my daugter. Maybe the baby was saved from suffering. I DON"T CARE, IT WAS MY BABY!!! and why didn't anybody believe me? Why do they tell me to get over it? Why do they tell me having babies so close to each other isn't good or healthy? Why do women that never suffered a miscarriage make other women that did feel like failures???? Why. why, why????

 

[Topanga053]

I know this is slightly different than things *not* to say, but I wanted to add to the list that if someone is open about their MC, you should acknowledge the loss.

I was visiting my friend's newborn the other day and her mom was there, who I haven't seen since my MC. Another one of my pregnant friends was also there and all the mom did was ask my pregnant friend about her pregnancy (how far along she was, what the genders were, what the names were, etc). She didn't ask me a single question about myself, not about the MC or how I was feeling or even how work was.

It was difficult to be around a newborn AND a pregnant friend and it was almost unbearable to be completely ignored because I didn't have a baby.

 

[Angelbaby_01]

I know this is slightly different than things *not* to say, but I wanted to add to the list that if someone is open about their MC, you should acknowledge the loss.

I was visiting my friend's newborn the other day and her mom was there, who I haven't seen since my MC. Another one of my pregnant friends was also there and all the mom did was ask my pregnant friend about her pregnancy (how far along she was, what the genders were, what the names were, etc). She didn't ask me a single question about myself, not about the MC or how I was feeling or even how work was.

It was difficult to be around a newborn AND a pregnant friend and it was almost unbearable to be completely ignored because I didn't have a baby.

I totally agree. If people were just open and let us understand that they are there for us by just asking how we are then it will help. But with people ignoring our situation it really makes it harder because that makes you feel like a failure and emotionally brakes a person down.

 

[Topanga053]

I agree, Angelbaby. I know it's probably uncomfortable for them, but it's so much harder when they don't even acknowledge our loss. It makes me feel like the loss was nothing to them, like it didn't even happen, when in reality it was the most traumatizing experience in my life to date. I still grieve every single day for the baby that I lost and I want that sadness to be acknowledged by others, not ignored!!!

 

[BrokenfoREVer]

Agreed! I get sick of being told people don't know what to say so they say nothing. Say something FFS!! Even just I'm sorry helps massively. It lets me know you haven't forgotten my Angel & you realise what she meant to me.

 

[Mahoghani]

Something I hate is when I start to talk about my son, because I really do need to, sometimes... and people think the right thing to do is come up and hug me and say things like "shh" or "it's okay." Like they're trying to make me stop, to be quiet. Makes me feel like the things I have to say are wrong or dirty. Like his entire memory is tainted because of how his life ended. I hate it when people, people who really should understand or be there for me like my best friend and my mother, react that way.

 

[roomaloo]

I lost my baby on Wednesday. It was a very much planned pregnancy and were so upset. My husband was in with me having the scan, holding our 9 month old. The ultrasonographer was sympathetic, but then decided to say maybe it'll be a good thing to have more of a gap????!!!! I nearly decked her

 

[BrokenfoREVer]

^^^

That it DISGUSTING! I'd be reporting her.

Big

 

[Topanga053]

One of my friends told me it was good I lost it so early, because you just get more attached to it as time goes on.

Really, I don't know what people are thinking sometimes.

So sorry your ultrasonographer was so insensitive. *hugs*

 

[Hellylou]

How insensitive of the sonographer!

In the beginning I had:

"It's not the same as losing a child"
"You didn't lose a baby, you lost a pregnancy"
"There was probably something wrong with it"
"You have 2 children already, be grateful"
"It wasn't meant to be"

Then I had nothing at all. Friends, family, etc, never mentioned it, and many of them never even acknowledged it at all in the first place - no expression of condolence, no asking how I was, nothing. Sometimes saying nothing at all and acting as if it never happened is even more hurtful than the inappropriate comments...

 

[tamithomas]

I think the worst for me is not what has been said, but what has not been said or done. When I announced my MC publicly because stupid me announced my BFP emmidiately to everyone including facebook because after 3 years of TTC, that BFP makes you do stupid stuff like practically yelling it from the roof tops. Everyone gave us their sympathies that's great...but no one came back to check up on me later on. One of my biggest pet peeves are people who give generic robotic reactions. Either mean it, or don't say anything at all. The only person who checked up on me bless her heart is my bestie since high school and my parents. The rest said condolences and left me for dead (no pun intended)

 

[emergRN]

Add to that list "you'll get over it and try again soon" ugh!!! You don't just get over it!

 

[Starry Night]

You never get over it! I still miss my first angel and that was over 2 years ago.

 

[Starry Night]

I agree, Angelbaby. I know it's probably uncomfortable for them, but it's so much harder when they don't even acknowledge our loss. It makes me feel like the loss was nothing to them, like it didn't even happen, when in reality it was the most traumatizing experience in my life to date. I still grieve every single day for the baby that I lost and I want that sadness to be acknowledged by others, not ignored!!!

What's also hard is when your MC was public and then you try to join in the baby talk with your friends by saying "when we have kids" and everyone gives each other awkward looks like you're suddenly "the girl who has miscarriages". One, you make them awkward by mentioning the MC but two, you make them awkward when you try to talk positively about the future. It's like you should just shut up and go away and have nothing to do with children. But ha ha to those losers because I had a child after they did that to me. I'm not trying to make those without a child yet feel badly but just trying to say that don't let others get you down or to give up. Your story isn't over yet!

Going through another m/c right now but waiting to have it all finalized and confirmed before making it public (everyone knows we're pregnant). I'm hoping for mostly good responses.

 

[Topanga053]

I completely agree, Tamithomas. Most of my friends (even really close friends) wrote a Facebook message, but NEVER checked up on me again later on or gave me a hug when they finally saw me in person. A couple of my friends have been really great about checking up on me, but now even that has stopped. I feel like everyone has forgotten about it and moved on, but it still hurts me every. single. day. I want desperately for people to understand how much it continues to hurt and how badly I need them to talk about it with me because everytime I bring it up, I get the "there, there, it will be ok" and people move on.

I've known some friends/acquiantances who had MCs before me and I know that I wasn't there for them very much either. I was sad for them, but I had no idea how much it hurt. I've thought about actually sending them an apology.

It's just true that until you go through it, you have no idea what it feels like or how long it hurts for. I know people think I'm over it because I smile and don't bring it up, but almost every single day I think about how desperately I miss having a baby. I'm still grieving so deeply and nothing in my life feels quite as fulfilling as it used to. And I'm so tired of feeling like I'm bearing this burden alone.

 

[CherryCorday]

Yep.. heard this over the past few days... my own fiance used the "it wasn't a real baby" on me yesterday...

 

[CherryCorday]

Or my best friend who said (since i've been told to be in bed resting) "might help you try again if thats where you gotta remain" sooo insensitive

 

[KelWin]

I miscarried a little over 8 years ago (July 04) at 12 1/2 weeks. I could feel him fluttering around just a week before I started cramping and bleeding. I will never "get over it" as my 'so-called' friends said.

 

[samisshort]

I told a friend I had just miscarried and all she said was, "Sorry. I think I'm pregnant too because I haven't had a period in 5 days" like really? I just lost my baby and you think I'm going to be happy for you?