What not to say:

[Starry Night]

At least save the announcement until 1) LATER! and 2) you're actually sure! If you're going to upset your grieving friend at least have it be over something real. She can't honestly expect you to support her and make her feel hopeful that she is pregnant. Ignorant!

I'm getting really tired of all the "are you healing emotionally yet?" from people. I know they're trying to make sure I'm OK but I'm not even done bleeding yet! I haven't had a single chance to process things as I'm still on survival mode. I want to make sure everything is all right medically before I can really focus on the loss I've gone through. Doing both at once is too much. But no! I have to be all happy and perfect like nothing has ever happened so they can go on their merry lives without having to worry about me.

 

[ames03]

I know I've posted on here before, but I recently had yet ANOTHER comment. Dude says "I almost don't want to say this, b/c I know everyone says it, BUT...(I was thinking "here we freaking go again")

"When people adopt, they have their own kids b/c they quit worrying about it".

REALLY? I'm pretty sure that happens to some people, but I'm pretty sure it's not 100%. Idiot. I have had 4 m/c. I obviously know how to get pg, I've done it 4 times in 1.5 years. It's holding it past 8 weeks that I seem to have a problem with. Moron. The weird thing is that he had fertility issues with his first wife. And they tried a LONG time. And they DIDN'T adopt! Not that I'm against adoption, but I haven't gotten that far. GEEEEEEZ!!!

 

[Starry Night]

That sucks. People were suggesting adoption after my first loss. I personally love the idea of adoption and had always wanted to adopt a kid after having a few of my own biologically but right now it's too much to consider and DH isn't on board either.

 

[AZBabyDust]

My boyfriend used the God one on me today, I wanted to crack him over the head! Luckily I know he means well and is a supportive guy, I really am blessed to have him in my life. But in all seriousness, that was the one thing I didn't want to hear. He agreed to go back to NTNP after everything blows over with this loss. Which means I'll try and he'll just go along with it LOL

Ahhhh.... still waiting to miscarry actually. I wish it would just happen so I could move on. I don't want to lose hope, I have faith!

 

[goddess25]

I am on my 3rd miscarriage right now and my favorite from the last couple of days is 'at least you have some children'

Yes I do, but it's almost like I am not allowed to be sad because I already have kids. It belittles your feelings. Yes I find having 2 children makes it easier to cope as I have 2 toddlers to keep me busy, but at 6w pregnant I had already imagined our growing family, and you love the growing baby inside you regardless of circumstance.

You still have a right to be sad.

 

[Starry Night]

^
This. I agree with you 100%. I'm just as sad about my 3rd angel as I was about my 1st two when I didn't have any living children (yet). The only difference is DS is a good distraction and just because he IS a comfort it doesn't take away the pain of the loss. This baby was different and I loved it for its own sake.

 

[BrokenfoREVer]

Oh Starry, I'm so sorry to see you lost your little rainbow. We were together in the May 2013 thread & you gave me such hope about my Babyness, even though it wasn't meant to be.

PP I agree, you have a right to grieve for every child. They are all children & regardless of it you have living children or not, you are allowed to mourn the loss of what could have been.

Big look after yourself.

 

[Starry Night]

Yeah. I lost my Sweet Pea about a month ago. I kind of saw it coming but it's still hard as my body is taking such a long time to recover. *sighs* This is part of the reason why I was so mad when I got the "are you emotionally healed yet?" questions a few stinkin' days after my loss. How can you get over a loss that fast, never mind when your body is reminding you of that loss every stinkin' day???!!

 

[BrokenfoREVer]

After a few days! God I'm not healed after 2 bloody months! Not even started to heal yet. People can be so insensitive.

 

[Maze]

I love my grandmother to pieces.... but yesterday, during the beginning of my m/c she said to me

"You were just so early, back in my day two weeks late was just a really late period and you'd breathe a sigh of relief and say 'thank god I'm not pregnant.' The problem with your generation is you want to know everything now and have these tests that pick up even the smallest pregnancy."

I couldn't react, because she is my grandmother and has somewhat earned the right in her old age to say silly things. But, it hurt.

 

[BrokenfoREVer]

Oh wow. That's harsh. I wouldn't know how to react I'd my grandma said something like that.

 

[ArmyWife1984]

I need to vent what i heard from my mother!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She said to me " Well now we can all focus on Mindy's pregnancy"!!!!!! She is my brother's gf who is pregnant.

I was so shocked , I didn't know what to say. Then I talked to my dad and he said "Maybe god only wanted you to have one"

Wow! thanks mom and dad!! I told my DH and he was completely shocked and couldn't believe they said that.

The m/c was sad for me the first few days but I moved on and was focusing my energy on ttc again. But to hear them say that made me so furious!!!!!!!

My mom is known as the fruitcake lady, All my aunts think she is a nut job and she has caused so many fights within our extended family.

I have never told her off but her comment made me want to tell her off and never speak to her again.

 

[StefNJunk]

My brother actually told me, "I don't want to upset you, but maybe it happened because you weren't ready financially." We are, by the way, it just took some careful planning. I know he didn't mean to sound like an ass, he's one of the nicest people in the world, but I seriously just wanted to smack him.

With my first miscarriage my mom did say, "At least you know you can get pregnant." She also didn't mean it in a harmful way, she was worried I wouldn't be able to because she had problems before having my brother and me.

 

[Starry Night]

I love my grandmother to pieces.... but yesterday, during the beginning of my m/c she said to me

"You were just so early, back in my day two weeks late was just a really late period and you'd breathe a sigh of relief and say 'thank god I'm not pregnant.' The problem with your generation is you want to know everything now and have these tests that pick up even the smallest pregnancy."

I couldn't react, because she is my grandmother and has somewhat earned the right in her old age to say silly things. But, it hurt.

My mom also says that we find out too soon these days a lot to me and has ever since I lost my first one. But I think that's because she is so sad for me and it hurts her so much to see me so sad. She has had a m/c and knows how painful it can be.

It's still hurtful and annoying to hear though so I've asked her to stop.

Armywife - your parents sound like gems. Like focusing on two pregnancies--that aren't theirs--was too much work? I hate that people think they need to find some pat answer or explanation for what happened. God only wanted you to have one??? Really??? Why would anyone think that after one miscarriage that has just happened in recent past? People don't realize it, but those sort of comments are not comforting...they're the exact opposite! It's basically them telling you to give up hope and throw in the towel. "Oh, God only wanted you to have one so it's bad for you to ever hope there will be another. So stop trying because your TTC efforts make me sad and uncomfortable and I can't be bothered dealing with your tears".

When people say that to me ("God wanted it that way") I just say to that "No, sometimes bad things just happen." I believe in God but I also believe that we can't read His mind so stop trying and hearing that God WANTED my baby to die to teach me some sort of cosmic lesson sounds just too sadistic for Him.

Sorry. My bleeding has come back (it's not a period) so all my anger and hurt is resurfacing.

I really feel for you ladies. Hearing the stupid things people say regarding miscarriages just gets me going.

 

[michaela1987]

The best one is "You JUST lost a baby, get over it!" By my own husband 4 days after I lost a baby

 

[crossedfinger]

It's probably been posted already (I didn't read through this entire list), but I heard one that pissed me off. A coworker told me "you need to be more careful next time."

Uh? So it's my fault that this happened because I wasn't "careful"?!

 

[ArmyWife1984]

It's probably been posted already (I didn't read through this entire list), but I heard one that pissed me off. A coworker told me "you need to be more careful next time."

Uh? So it's my fault that this happened because I wasn't "careful"?!

wow! So I guess you need to be bed ridden huh? People can be soooooo stupid and rude!!

 

[Starry Night]

Wow. Speechless. Why do people always blame victims of tragedy? I just never understand that reaction.

And please know that this was NOT your fault. No matter what the ding-dongs out there may say.

 

[ArmyWife1984]

My mom just called me and left me a voice message saying " I just wanted to tell you kate and william are expecting , how exciting is that?!? Isn't that great? just thought i'd let you know.:"

She knows i just had a miscarriage....to call and leave me a message and sound genuinely excited and happy about it even though you know your own daughter just had a miscarriage. I feel so angry at her right now. She didnt have to call me and leave me a message about that, it felt out of line.

Am i over -reacting you think?

I'm wanting so bad to conceive again and to have my mom call me to gloat over there pregnancy when she knows I'm sad , why is she such an idiot!

 

[Starry Night]

Wait....Kate and William as in their royal majesties?? Yeah, that seems rather random and unkind for her to do that.