What not to say:

[Jenismyworld4]

Me and partner have recently suffered our 2nd mc in four months. I didnt know what to say the 1st time round and it wasnt any easier the 2nd time round!. Our friends and family have been as supportive as they can be but it doesnt stop me feeling low. I can imagine what my partner is going through. I pray that there is something I can do but I am trying to be there for her as much as I can. I guess there is nothing anyone can say or do to make things better instantly.

 

[Jody R]

Me and partner have recently suffered our 2nd mc in four months. I didnt know what to say the 1st time round and it wasnt any easier the 2nd time round!. Our friends and family have been as supportive as they can be but it doesnt stop me feeling low. I can imagine what my partner is going through. I pray that there is something I can do but I am trying to be there for her as much as I can. I guess there is nothing anyone can say or do to make things better instantly.

I'm sure you are doing it already but just lots of hugs and telling her you love her. That's all me and my dh could do for each other at first and a lot of holding each other while we cried and taking each day gently. And understanding each other when it all got too much and one of us snapped at the other.

It's not easy and nothing does make it better but being there for each other is the most important thing.

 

[Jenismyworld4]

i just realised i had a typo in my last message i was supposed to say that i cant imagine wha my partner is going through.

 

[Mrs Doddy]

i just realised i had a typo in my last message i was supposed to say that i cant imagine wha my partner is going through.

Being there for her no matter what she is feeling is the most important thing - also she will be worrying about how you are, let her know how you feel too

 

[amylynne1113]

I delivered a "sleeping baby" on May 26th. It has been the most awful thing I have ever gone through. I have been back to work for about a month. My due date is tomorrow, August 13th. I mentioned this to one of my good friends here at work and that I was going to be sad and probably take the day off work. She said "You don't have a due date anymore" Duh? Did she really have to say that? She then asked me what my therapist said about it. I told her it was normal. I am having a difficult time talking to her since then. She used to be one of my good friends but I feel she has not been supportive at all during this whole thing. She didn't even come to the funeral. She said she would be there and then later told me something came up with her mom. I don't want to lose all of my friends over this but I feel them all pulling away - or maybe I am pulling away. Don't know.

 

[Amos2009]

Amy.....some people really have no clue of how to act or what to say. Most times, they need to say nothing- just show us that you are there for us and don't avoid us like we have the plague. Will be thinking of you tomorrow

 

[hedgewitch]

had to tell a friend this morning that Lilly-Maye had passed away the day after they last saw me 4 weeks ago, they were really shocked and came over and hugged me then said, "well at least you're young enough to have another" W.T.F????
sat here and cried after they left and they couldn't wait to get away from me.xx

 

[Kazi1976]

I have a little girl but have just lost a baby at 15 weeks. We think he was a boy but can't be sure. My own mum said "I'm glad the baby was a boy because at least when you look at Kaydeigh, you won't think he'd be just like her" I didn't get mad as my mum's lovely and wouldn't have meant to hurt me but I couldn't believe she came out with that. I just try to understand that people don't know what to say so end up saying something crass.

 

[charlie_v_o]

I recently had a miscarrage me and my OH had been trying for 5 months as i was told i couldnt have children or it would be very hard.. I had a feeling i was pregnant but hadnt done a test, i was rushed in to hospital with stomach pains and bleeding heavy.. the docs didnt no what was going on it was only yesterday when i went to my docs that she said i had a miscarrage.. and when i started to cry she turned and said 'oh sorry did that come as a shock i thought you would have known' My mum hasnt said anything to me at all even when i told her.. and all ive got so far is 'well atleast you no you can get pregnant' and well you didnt no you were pregnant so it cant be that hard'

But it was my baby, and now they've gone..

 

[charlie_v_o]

and another one i forgot to put my 'lovely' mother all she said was
'You should be more careful next time, and use contreception'

How lovely of her..

 

[sleepycat]

I love this. I've heard them all and worse.

Nothing anyone can say will take the pain away.

I wanted all of the babies I've lost. I still want them back. I could have 10 more children and still miss those babies. They were alive, in me, I knew them and loved them.

Right things to say - anything you would say to a parent who has lost a child.

 

[Nosy_Cow]

My baby was born sleeping on 29th July 2009 and I've had most of these comments but I've listed the main ones below!

I've had the typical:
"It's God's Way!" Well God have f off and give me my baby back!
"There's always next time!" Well I want Chloe I don't want next time!
"You're still young you can have more!" But I want Chloe not another!
I think the worst was from my dad and he said;
"Don't show anyone the photo's cause it's not what people want to see! You wouldn't see it on TV!" She was a miniture baby thats all! My perfect baby!

It's so annoying! My friend (who recently m/c) and I have a good old bitc.h about people like this whenever we've got a bottle of wine!

 

[Abz1982]

In defence to some of us who have genuine foot in mouth issues when someone we know loses a baby.................we don't know what to say!! Some thinks said are just hurtful, but people who haven't experienced it do not have any idea how it feels and we do not set out to hurt you.

And yes Abortion and Loss are very different, but they can leave you feeling the same. I only had one because I was raped and I felt that at 16 that was what I 'had' to do - so as not to disappoint my parents etc. Every day after that I regretted my decisions and it mentally and physically affected me. So much so that I am now becoming increasingly paranoid that as pay back for what I did I will have Emma taken from me so I am staying awake at night to watch over her in case something happens to her .

 

[ladypotter]

This time DH and I were not particularly trying, but also were not preventing having another child. We had decided a few years ago (after my third loss) that we were done trying (we had a successful pg the third time around).

When I found out I was pregnant a month ago, I was extremely excited. Then it all was taken away a few short weeks later to end in a D&C at 8wks.

someone said well, at least you weren't really trying.

ummmm......I don't think that makes it any better. I was extremely happy to be pg even if it was a surprise...and am just totally shocked that someone who knows what I have been through in my marriage with fertility issues would say that.

 

[artchick49]

Mother-in-law: Complains about her sons (including my husband) in the past sense when they were children and even now as adults, and says "Are you sure you really want children anyway?". Ugh. You can't divorce a mother-in-law when you still love and are married to her son, but you sure as h#ll don't have to answer the phone when she calls...

 

[Nosy_Cow]

I found this poem the other day and after posting it on the Stillbirth, Neo-Natal Loss & SIDS board I thought I'd post it here so that people who are coming on here to find out what to say know how it feels for a mother to loose her child;

A Mother's Grief

You ask me how I'm feeling,
but do you really want to know?
The moment I try telling you
You say you have to go

How can I tell you,
what it's been like for me
I am haunted, I am broken
By things that you don't see

You ask me how I'm holding up,
but do you really care?
The moment I start to speak my heart,
You start squirming in your chair.

Because I am so lonely,you see,
friends no longer come around,
I'll take the words I want to say
And quietly choke them down.

Everyone avoids me now,
I guess they don't know what to say
They told me I'll be there for you,
then turned and walked away.

Call me if you need me,
that's what everybody said,
But how can I call and screaming to the phone,
My God, my child is dead?

No one will let me say the words
I need to say
Why does a mothers grief
scare everyone away?

I am tired of pretending
my heart hammers in my chest,
I say things to make you comfortable,
but my soul finds no rest.

How can I tell you things
that are too sad to be told,
of the helplessness of holding a child who in your arms grows cold?

Maybe you can tell me,
How should one behave,
who's had to follow their childs casket,
watched it perched above a grave?

You cannot imagine what it was like
for me that day
to place a final kiss upon that box,
and have to turn and walk away.

If you really love me,
and I believe you do,
if you really want to help me,
here is what I need from you.

Sit down beside me,
reach out and take my hand,
Say " My friend, I've come to listen,
I want to understand."

Just hold my hand and listen
that's all you need to do,
And if by chance I shed a tear,
it's alright if you do to.

I swear that I'll remember till the day
I'm very old,
the friend who sat and held my hand
and let me bare my soul.

Kelly Cummings 12/8/03

I've sent this to many friends and it's helped them understand. Although they don't come and hold my hand I still feel that they understand now. They no longer make silly comments or ask if I'm ok without wanting to hear the answer.

Hope it helps you too!

 

[LostTwins]

I have only been experiencing this for about 12 hours now but already I have had people tell me I am young and can get pregnant again, that there was something wrong with them, that it is just natures way of eliminating the ones with problems, etc. Even though that is likely true we can have more children - these babies mean some much to me. They are our heart and souls. We don't want "another baby" - we wanted these babies.

When I asked my partner why and said I wanted to understand why - he said it is no ones fault and said "God knew our babies were so sweet, so perfect that they got to go straight home. It wasn't that there was something wrong with them...they were perfect and they taught us what love is. They did their job and did what they were sent to do. Our love set them free to go home to the Lord." He said this through tears and while I sobbed until I couldn't see, but the thought that my babies are little Angels is comforting.

 

[sophster]

Hi

following on from what someone else said; male ob-gyns are the worse (while some of them are very good I do wonder why they go into that line of work because they will never 100% be able to sympathise with their female patients!). The one I saw to advise me on my options after I found out about the missed m/c was mostly ok but he made a couple of highly insensitive remarks; one when he found the scan picture the sonographer lady had put in the envelope for me, he ripped it open to see what it was without asking and then said 'I don't really see the point in keeping this; you can't see anything; its just blobs and lines', i had to get him to give it back and then afterwards I looked at it before I was really ready to and felt pretty awful. He also said when I asked if I will be able to see anything when I had the miscarriage at home he said 'no you won't be seeing anything; it will all just be clots; nothing else; just like a heavy period'. As it happened the baby came out in the sac intact; which had I not been mentally prepared for one way or the other would have been pretty shocking considering what I'd been told.

Soph

 

[X.K.X Babey]

Try adding at least now u can get drunk!

 

[Lol78]

"That's the wrong emotion, you should be happy".

Quote from dh today when I told him that the news of yet another friend becoming pregnant made me sad because everytime I hear it it reminds me of what we have lost.