What not to say:

[JennieyL]

"That's the wrong emotion, you should be happy".

Quote from dh today when I told him that the news of yet another friend becoming pregnant made me sad because everytime I hear it it reminds me of what we have lost.

I sooo know how this is.. I lost my twins very late into my pregnancy.. and it took me over a year to get pregnant again and in that time it seemed like all of my friends were getting pregnant and my OH said the same thing..

Some other comments i got were..
From my sister... She is mentally challenged..so I didnt take it to hard but it still broke my heart
*Well.. are you going to kill this one to*

And then.. another one that I got after my daughter was born.. from my doctor.....
*Now, just remember If this one dies.. its not your fault* ..
Refering to sids and such ....

 

[Lol78]

"That's the wrong emotion, you should be happy".

Quote from dh today when I told him that the news of yet another friend becoming pregnant made me sad because everytime I hear it it reminds me of what we have lost.

I sooo know how this is.. I lost my twins very late into my pregnancy.. and it took me over a year to get pregnant again and in that time it seemed like all of my friends were getting pregnant and my OH said the same thing..

Some other comments i got were..
From my sister... She is mentally challenged..so I didnt take it to hard but it still broke my heart
*Well.. are you going to kill this one to*

And then.. another one that I got after my daughter was born.. from my doctor.....
*Now, just remember If this one dies.. its not your fault* ..
Refering to sids and such ....

There are some really insensitive people around.
I know dh isn't trying to be insensitive, he just doesn't want me getting down each time a new person is pregnant, but i can't help how I feel. It would be lovely if I could be happy each time, but I just can't!!

 

[whynotsmile]

I was told, 'Life is for living right now...you'll have plentyof time to have a family later...'

Because having children isn't living??

 

[Lullaby2010]

My DSD was only 5 when I had my 3rd early miscarraige and she asked me if I made the baby go away up to heaven? She couldn't understand how the baby had gone from my tummy up to heaven. It was heart breaking trying to explain it to her. I managed to keep my emotions in check long enough to answer all her questions but as soon as she left the room I was in floods of tears and couldn't stop shaking.

She's 7 now and said to me this morning: Is Ruby my sister from before?

I wasn't really sure what to say, but thought it was a lovely way to look at things, so I said yes. She seemed quite happy at that and cuddled my bump and said Thank you for coming back Ruby. I blubbed again over that as well x.

 

[Lol78]

My DSD was only 5 when I had my 3rd early miscarraige and she asked me if I made the baby go away up to heaven? She couldn't understand how the baby had gone from my tummy up to heaven. It was heart breaking trying to explain it to her. I managed to keep my emotions in check long enough to answer all her questions but as soon as she left the room I was in floods of tears and couldn't stop shaking.

She's 7 now and said to me this morning: Is Ruby my sister from before?

I wasn't really sure what to say, but thought it was a lovely way to look at things, so I said yes. She seemed quite happy at that and cuddled my bump and said Thank you for coming back Ruby. I blubbed again over that as well x.

So sweet!

 

[Cariad_bach]

My DSD was only 5 when I had my 3rd early miscarraige and she asked me if I made the baby go away up to heaven? She couldn't understand how the baby had gone from my tummy up to heaven. It was heart breaking trying to explain it to her. I managed to keep my emotions in check long enough to answer all her questions but as soon as she left the room I was in floods of tears and couldn't stop shaking.

She's 7 now and said to me this morning: Is Ruby my sister from before?

I wasn't really sure what to say, but thought it was a lovely way to look at things, so I said yes. She seemed quite happy at that and cuddled my bump and said Thank you for coming back Ruby. I blubbed again over that as well x.

Aww thats so cute bless her xxxx

 

[2016]

I had an ectopic pg 3 weeks ago tomorrow at just 5 weeks. I only knew I was pg for 5 days but had already played out a wonderful future in my head a million times. I will never forget the pain in my chest when the radiologist said "theres nothing in your womb". My list of insensitive comments so far include:
- Well who knows what could have happened with all the travel and horseriding! (from my mum when I had a bleed and feared mc...she has had 9mc, 1 molar and a son die at 6 days so this comment really hurt)
- You are still young
- At least it was early, just a ball of cells!
- Did they manage to put the baby in the right place ok?
- You can have more.
- Count yourself lucky.........how?
- My friends sister had one so I know how you feel.
- How did you manage that?

I can't even begin to imagine the pain of losing a baby later on.....if it hurts so much for me so early. I think every day with your baby your love doubles!
In found the ectopic hard because I feel like I decided to end it...I went to sleep pg and woke up empty!

One of the most helpful things said was by the ob/gyn. I was very upset when I got af shortly after the surgery because it felt like I was miscarrying then. The ob/gyn said that af is not the end, it is the beginning of a new cycle and shows that your body still wants to make you a baby and is growing another egg for you. It was comforting to know there was still hope because I feared I had ruined my chances forever.
Love to all you angel mums.
x

 

[LeaArr]

- My friends sister had one so I know how you feel.

Yeah, I remember hearing this one too. People assume they know how it feels, but unless you have been there, you have no idea.

 

[amygwen]

The day after my miscarriage, I was shattered, the first thing my mom said to me was "You weren't even that far along... you know it was just a bunch of cells!" I was like ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I can't believe someone could be so insensitive. Especially my own mother. I know this one was already stated, I just wanted to mention it.

:/

 

[urchin]

Ok here's mine - from my mum of all people
I had been explaining that it was a MMC
'so, have you had your period yet?'
'it wasn't a period, it was a miscarriage - and yes I have'
'oh, yes I suppose that's what you would call it'
'YES, IT IS'

Trouble with my mum is, if things are emotive she gets herself into such a pickle trying not to say the wrong thing - so she usually plumps for things which are as unemotional as possible (like period instead of miscarriage) .... or she slips into professional sounding jargon - none of which helps

 

[LostTwins]

Wow...I'm so sorry someone said that to you. There is a huge difference in an abortion and a miscarriage. How heartless...

 

[shocker]

Many things
the family doctor when i went to him just after - "i dont know what you expect me to do about it?!"
from family - "at least now you can travel/get married/find the right man/be young/party/etc." I'd trade it all to have my baby back.
"well a baby does really need a dad"
the surgeon just before i had the d&c (she knew my age and i was crying hysterically) and yet she still said "most woman have at least 3 in their lifetime" WHAT THE HELL?? so basically your telling me its ok because i get to go through it at least 2 more times!?
cant remember who even said these to me at this point -
-you have loads of time (i know you idiot it doesnt make it easier)
-now you can do things the right way
-at least you know now that you can get pregnant (yes and i also know i can lose them how does this help?)
Uch everyone makes me furious i would prefer if they didnt say anything at this point

 

[Jody R]

Many things
the family doctor when i went to him just after - "i dont know what you expect me to do about it?!"
from family - "at least now you can travel/get married/find the right man/be young/party/etc." I'd trade it all to have my baby back.
"well a baby does really need a dad"
the surgeon just before i had the d&c (she knew my age and i was crying hysterically) and yet she still said "most woman have at least 3 in their lifetime" WHAT THE HELL?? so basically your telling me its ok because i get to go through it at least 2 more times!?
cant remember who even said these to me at this point -
-you have loads of time (i know you idiot it doesnt make it easier)
-now you can do things the right way
-at least you know now that you can get pregnant (yes and i also know i can lose them how does this help?)
Uch everyone makes me furious i would prefer if they didnt say anything at this point

I'm just appalled at the things that have been said to you. I don't know how young you are but if you love and want a baby you are carrying then age doesn't come into it, being young doesn't mean losing a baby is easier or any sort of 'blessing.'

And as for a baby needing a dad, yes it's good if a child has two parents who love and take care of it, even if they are not together while they do it, but who in the world can think it's better to lose a baby than bring it up alone?

No matter what happens in your life now you will always have a child who isn't here with you and you will grieve for and miss that baby forever. All the being young and partying and travelling in the world can't make up for losing your baby.

It's no comfort to any of us to know that other people go through it so that doctor shouldn't have said that to you either.

I'm so sorry you have been treated so badly.

 

[shocker]

I'm just appalled at the things that have been said to you. I don't know how young you are but if you love and want a baby you are carrying then age doesn't come into it, being young doesn't mean losing a baby is easier or any sort of 'blessing.'

And as for a baby needing a dad, yes it's good if a child has two parents who love and take care of it, even if they are not together while they do it, but who in the world can think it's better to lose a baby than bring it up alone?

No matter what happens in your life now you will always have a child who isn't here with you and you will grieve for and miss that baby forever. All the being young and partying and travelling in the world can't make up for losing your baby.

It's no comfort to any of us to know that other people go through it so that doctor shouldn't have said that to you either.

I'm so sorry you have been treated so badly.

Im 18, turning 19 in 3 weeks time, the father was my ex boyfriend and he didnt want to know.I didnt care, i still loved my baby and still planned my life.Thank you for your reply its helpful knowing someone gets it, peoples comments through this whole thing have just really knocked me for six! Its so infuriating that they seem to think i should be relieved its just unbelievable.I know now though that when im feeling a little better i'm going to help others in this situation, so they arent faced with comments like these, i couldnt fathom anyone thinking such statements are helpful i mean its just insane!!

 

[Foogirl]

I had two miscarriages before I had Abby. The first was a MMC at 7 weeks but it was another 3 weeks until I started bleeding. The second was at 3 weeks. Both times I had only just found out I was pregnant.

I hear many here saying if you haven't been through it you don't understand. But I have been through it and I'm not sure I even understand what you are going through. You see, many of these things being classed as insensitive are things I said about my own situation. I did feel at such an early stage I had no bond. And that there must have been a problem for it not to continue. The situation was unpleasant but I felt no real loss. We both took a very pragmatic view and dealt with the practicalities.

We hadn't told many people at all, and my in-laws were under instruction to say nowt. I didn't want pity, I didn't want sorrow, I just wanted to deal with the situation and move on. I was told that the feelings of loss would hit eventually, but they never did. And then I began to wonder just what was wrong with me that I hadn't felt terrible about what had happened.

I daresay if I had been further along or if I had have known sooner about my first pregnancy, it might have been more difficult to deal with, but I just don't know.

Having said that, I do recognise that some women have a much harder time than I did and so I wouldn't trot out the old cliches to try and make someone feel better because the reality is, nothing will make someone feel better about a situation. You just have to work through it in your own way. With the second pregnancy, we told no-one. I think this, for me, was a much better thing to do.

Having also gone through having Abby very prematurely, I have had to deal with people saying things which seem very insensitive. But each time I just remember they mean well and their hearts are in the right place.

She's 7 now and said to me this morning: Is Ruby my sister from before?

I wasn't really sure what to say, but thought it was a lovely way to look at things, so I said yes. She seemed quite happy at that and cuddled my bump and said Thank you for coming back Ruby. I blubbed again over that as well x.

That is so lovely. Don't children have a great way of looking at life.

 

[K8YVW]

When i was at the hospital in A&E on Wednesday the day i lost our Angel the nurse came in to take my blood pressure and said "oh well at least you know you can get pregnant" Not what i needed or wanted to hear.
Then when i phoned work to tell them. The first thing they said to me is "oh can you prove it was a miscarriage?" yeah thanks for that too.
So sorry for all your losses xxxx

 

[2016]

I told my boss and colleagues about my ectopic because I didn't want them to accidentally say something stupid. Instead they seem to make constant pregnancy jokes around me eg.
I said I really fancied a curry and they said "you aren't pregnant are you? lol" and
I was shopping at lunchtime with another colleague and he picked up a bottle of Folic acid and said "need any more of these? lol"

...all male colleagues so clearly no brains/feelings - can you believe it?

 

[K8YVW]

I told my boss and colleagues about my ectopic because I didn't want them to accidentally say something stupid. Instead they seem to make constant pregnancy jokes around me eg.
I said I really fancied a curry and they said "you aren't pregnant are you? lol" and
I was shopping at lunchtime with another colleague and he picked up a bottle of Folic acid and said "need any more of these? lol"

...all male colleagues so clearly no brains/feelings - can you believe it?

Thats disgusting hun, rise above it, i know thats what im going to have to do

 

[rock_chick]

my 'friend' came over to see me a week after I lost my last baby and told me that she wouldnt hug me cos its not going to help is it. and then when I cried she said 'sink with it or swim with it' and 'pull yourself together'.

she is now pregnant and is 2 weeks further along than I was this time (I lost last week again ).....she sat next to me and spoke about her bump constantly and told me about her close friend who gave birth last week.

almost tore me apart........think i'll be keeping my distance from now on.

some folk just dont think ....love to everyone reading this xx

 

[ashii]

This is unbelievable.
but I also had my share of comments from people who were "just trying to help".
My mother -in-law when I was off work straight after: "Oh now when you have all this free time you can do some decorating and finally clean this house"
My best friend: "It's because of all the birth control you were using"
Doctor in A&E. Blood is literally pouring of me. "Women bleed in pregnancy. It's nothing to be worried about."
Nurse:" There is nothing we or you can do. Carry on as normal. If it goes it goes. "
And my "favourite one" - it wasn't meant to be.
AAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!