What not to say:

[KittyKatBabe]

I am just recovering from my second, this time round we didn't tell anyone about the pregnancy ( I was only 4.5 weeks when I lost the 2nd time). However due to the day it happened, my OH was at his Grandma's funeral and I went to pieces, I ended up telling my sister and MIL. They are both also sworn to secrecy. This time round I was upset, but as Foogirl says, we both agreed to deal with this pragmatically as it was early days and I was already very cautious from my first mmc. I know its odd saying but this has made me stronger. I do not want to go through this again and hopefully I won't, but the next pregnancy again, will not be announced until I am ready.

I do wish I hadn't told my sister or his mil, but on the day me and the OH weren't getting on and this upset me, now I am just scared my sister will judge my OH negatively with how he acted (their relationship is stretched as it is - plus his words were - you haven't told your sister about this have you - I lied and said no - wish I hadn't just keep thinking is this bad karma).

But I just think there is no right thing to say at these times, the smallest thing can affect you. But a lot of people don't understand and everyone deals with things differently so they just sometimes make the comments as they deem is best. During my first mmc, my own mum said 'you don't seem to have any luck in that area do you' but I know in my mums own warped way she doesn't mean to hurt me. Even my closest friend is very odd about it, as she has had her own without problem etc. Some people just aren't comfortable in the situ, thats why I do think its better for me to deal with on my own, I know I can trust my sis and mil. But next time I hope I don't need to announce anything other than the healthy arrival of a baby.

x x

 

[Drazic<3]

It wasn't meant to be, your only young you can try again, at least you know you can get pregnant...

GRRR!!! I know people are trying but it's driving me crazy! I don't want another baby, I want Edan!

 

[CurlySue]

I went to see the clinical director and the senior embryolost at my hospital following twin miscarriage after IVF.

The main 'theme' of their 'advice' was "At least you know your body can get pregnant" and "you should see this as a good thing."

My body CAN'T get pregnant on its own. It takes IVF. And how is it a good thing when I lost the embryos my body decided to hold onto, shortly?

Sure, I can get pregnant, but both of those embryos were incapable of forming children and my body rejected them so what's the point?

Yeah great. I can get pregnant if I use IVF. They acknowledged I might only naturally produce a decent embryo once every four years so it's hardly something that makes me feel any better. Great, I can get pregnant. It'll cost me four grand a go, but there we go.

 

[Melle]

I found out a week ago, and people have said a lot of those things. My boyfriend has said to me 'Oh, well it was for the best' I was thinking 'Excuse me! But that is WAY too early to say that.'

However the worst comment I have gotten is:
'Stop being pregnant...Oh you already have!'

Never have I been so upset by just hearing those words. I keep thinking how I couldn't protect my baby. To make things worse the doctor who was giving me the ultrasound to confirm the miscarriage was pregnant. I'm not going to lie, I was incredibly jealous.

 

[Jody R]

However the worst comment I have gotten is:
'Stop being pregnant...Oh you already have!'

Who on earth would say that and why? What a terrible, insensitive, cruel thing to say.

 

[Foogirl]

To make things worse the doctor who was giving me the ultrasound to confirm the miscarriage was pregnant. I'm not going to lie, I was incredibly jealous.

I'm not sure if it is the same where you are, but when I went for confirmation, I had to sit in the waiting room with pregnant women. This must be incredibly hard to do if you have been very badly affected. In addition to this the sonographer made some comment which made it clear she actually thought I was having a scan to check how far along I was.

It is these kinds of things I think are much worse than well intentioned, but clumsy words from friends. A service which deals with many many women having miscarriages on a regular basis, really should take these things into consideration

Of course, the comment you got was utterly unforgivable, and wouldn't be justified in any situation. I hope you gave that person a piece of your mind.

 

[lori]

I've heard so many of these terrible phrases in the last few days. I'm so sorry that you girls have experienced so many of the same hurtful comments. I think the worst thing a person can do while you're grieving is try to "fix it" or cheer you up. What I needed most was for my loss to be acknowledged.

The most helpful things that people said:

Nurse in OR: Your baby is special and you'll never forget him.
Husband: I'm so proud of you. You're a good mom to our baby.
Friend: I'm here for you, whatever you need.

Thing I would have most liked to hear:

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know you loved this baby dearly and must miss him terribly.

 

[Drazic<3]

I'm not sure if it is the same where you are, but when I went for confirmation, I had to sit in the waiting room with pregnant women. This must be incredibly hard to do if you have been very badly affected. In addition to this the sonographer made some comment which made it clear she actually thought I was having a scan to check how far along I was.

I was gobsmacked they didn't have somewhere different in our hospital for pregnancy loss. I was sitting with all these happy couples, holding hands and stroking tummys and drinking water thinking we must have been like that almost a week before. They clearly tried to play down me being there so as not to upset other people. I said to the nurse, I doubt the thought of what I am going through is going to hurt them anywhere near as much as my thought that I used to be like them.

Ugh.

 

[shocker]

I was gobsmacked they didn't have somewhere different in our hospital for pregnancy loss. I was sitting with all these happy couples, holding hands and stroking tummys and drinking water thinking we must have been like that almost a week before. They clearly tried to play down me being there so as not to upset other people. I said to the nurse, I doubt the thought of what I am going through is going to hurt them anywhere near as much as my thought that I used to be like them.

Ugh.

They did in the hospital i was at but for some ridiculous reason they still made me wait for my scan with the others in the normal ultrasound department when i went for the second scan to confirm. I'd only found out like 2 days before and i was crying my eyes out for about 20 minutes before my mum went and asked them how much longer and if they could do anything.They said they hadnt been told and put me striaght to the front of the q. The worst thing i think has been people making comments about all the things i can do now im not going to be a mum, making out i should be relieved because of my age and the fact his dad did a runner when he found out.Thats the hardest, why anyone would think i would be relieved is beyond me, its infuriating to say the least

 

[Jody R]

I've heard so many of these terrible phrases in the last few days. I'm so sorry that you girls have experienced so many of the same hurtful comments. I think the worst thing a person can do while you're grieving is try to "fix it" or cheer you up. What I needed most was for my loss to be acknowledged.

The most helpful things that people said:

Nurse in OR: Your baby is special and you'll never forget him.
Husband: I'm so proud of you. You're a good mom to our baby.
Friend: I'm here for you, whatever you need.

Thing I would have most liked to hear:

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know you loved this baby dearly and must miss him terribly.

I think you've had some special people talking to you and I love the good things that people have said to you. I don't know if we have a thread for that but maybe we should start one. Sometimes it's easy to get caught up in the bad things people say and forget the good ones.

 

[Chilli]

When people say NOTHING it hurts the most - do they honestly believe that they shouldn't acknowledge that you've lost a child!!!

 

[LeaArr]

I totally agree with that.

 

[sma1588]

i ladies, im sorry but i popped in from ttc but i was just wondering if any of you would find it wrong to say something like " im very sorry for the loss of your baby and your little angel is watching over you everyday" or something like that...... i dont want to sound rude in anyway! and i truly am very sorry for your losses

 

[minimoo90]

thats what the hospitial said to me, about it was only cells,sadly i think knowing there wasn't a healthy baby, helped me put closure on it.

but it's soo hard what to say, and i can tell people don't know what to say, but i don't like people saying i'm sooo sorry, i keep telling people not say i'm sorry, as for some reason it buggers me...
i konw the pregnancy has gone wrong, but it's no one fault, and i ended up saying thank you to the dr's more than what they said sorry to me.

 

[bevan88]

I heard a new one today from a counciler!!!

So how old are you

28

Oh well so not to old to be able to try again you have plenty of time!!!!!!!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

 

[Jody R]

i ladies, im sorry but i popped in from ttc but i was just wondering if any of you would find it wrong to say something like " im very sorry for the loss of your baby and your little angel is watching over you everyday" or something like that...... i dont want to sound rude in anyway! and i truly am very sorry for your losses

I think that's a lovely thing to say. Actually that was the best thing that anyone said to us "I am sorry for the loss of your baby, I can't begin to imagine how you must feel" was acknowledgement, was enough sympathy that we could say thank you without breaking down and it didn't intrude on our grief in any way.

I never refer to Ally or Elisabeth as angels but I do think of them as my little stars and Joseph is my sunshine and to have someone say that they are somehow still with me would have been lovely. I like to watch for the first stars or the brightest stars when I feel really low and imagine that they are there, looking down.

 

[sma1588]

awww jody thank you for your reply and thats very sweet that they are your little stars and your sunshine! there will always be sunshine and there will always be stars just like your babies will always be yours and be with you hun.

 

[momto3kiddies]

I found out I was pregnant oct 25th and miscarried the 21st od nov. Yesterday at my familys thanksgiving dinner I was asked how I felt and told Im so sorry and that was a good feeling. Having people acknowledge my lost baby...until my aunt said...I think god spared you, he doesnt give us more than we can handle and I feel this was his way of saying yu werent ready, having 4 kids is alot of work you know.

That was so hurtful to me. God spared me?? He didnt think i could handle a baby...my baby? so that was the worst.

 

[minimoo90]

i've just had some one on here, say chin up!!

i think i've heard it all now x

 

[MrsRoughton]

hiya i lost bean 5 weeks ago and the worst one is "god does it for a reason and some people are not meant to have disabled children!!!