What not to say:

[skyesmom]

I think the problem is our culture doesn't talk about miscarriages and so most people don't understand that women really are GRIEVING, the same way we'd grieve for anyone else who has died. They don't understand that our babies were immediately real to us, so it IS ok to be missing them years later, just as it's ok to miss your father years after he's died. Our babies are people that we loved (even if they had only been conceived for a week or two before they died!) and we're allowed to miss them.

you are so right about this. it makes things way harder for me, i feel i'm being denied of the right to grieve or miss my beloved son. my friends don't say it openly but i feel they think i should have already "moved on" and that i should "get along" with it. as if you can move on from someone you love unconditionally and they pass. the connection and love they stay forever.

PLUS, when losing an unborn baby compared to an adult family member, it is made even harder by all the isolation, incomprehension... and the fact that you know, you sort of lose the future... your own future too.

 

[BrokenfoREVer]

I think the problem is our culture doesn't talk about miscarriages and so most people don't understand that women really are GRIEVING, the same way we'd grieve for anyone else who has died. They don't understand that our babies were immediately real to us, so it IS ok to be missing them years later, just as it's ok to miss your father years after he's died. Our babies are people that we loved (even if they had only been conceived for a week or two before they died!) and we're allowed to miss them.

you are so right about this. it makes things way harder for me, i feel i'm being denied of the right to grieve or miss my beloved son. my friends don't say it openly but i feel they think i should have already "moved on" and that i should "get along" with it. as if you can move on from someone you love unconditionally and they pass. the connection and love they stay forever.

PLUS, when losing an unborn baby compared to an adult family member, it is made even harder by all the isolation, incomprehension... and the fact that you know, you sort of lose the future... your own future too.

Thats exactly how I feel, I was only 6 weeks, so I wasn't exactly grieving for my child, more for the future me & my OH had lost.

 

[shirlls]

I thought I had heard them all until someone tried to relate to me by comparing my miscarriages to her abortion...ummm....completely different! Yes, the choice may be hard but the keyword is choice....you chose, I did not! And it's definitely different when I've been trying for three years and have two mcs and you are trying not to get pregnant and still manage to do so only to abort...NOT THE SAME!

I had this too! I found it so insulting, are people really that clueless . On the first anniversary of my first mc, I confided in a friend who has had an abortion, and she said to me 'I know how u feel, I often think about the baby I lost'. I know abortion is traumatic too, but in a completely different way, and can't be compared to miscarriage, or multiple miscarriages.
x

 

[Renaendel]

Thats exactly how I feel, I was only 6 weeks, so I wasn't exactly grieving for my child, more for the future me & my OH had lost.

! Perfect

 

[ilnora]

I had a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks. When I returned to work I told my closest coworkers about the miscarriage, and I also shared with them the genetic testing results which said that my little girl had a chromosomal abnormality (abnormal triploid female karyotype). A week or so later we were talking about morning sickness to which I remarked that I had very little with my pregnancy to which my coworker replied, “Well you must not have really been pregnant.”

 

[shirlls]

I had a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks. When I returned to work I told my closest coworkers about the miscarriage, and I also shared with them the genetic testing results which said that my little girl had a chromosomal abnormality (abnormal triploid female karyotype). A week or so later we were talking about morning sickness to which I remarked that I had very little with my pregnancy to which my coworker replied, “Well you must not have really been pregnant.”

!!!! That is terrible, how ignorant and insensitive

 

[Twinkie210]

I had a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks. When I returned to work I told my closest coworkers about the miscarriage, and I also shared with them the genetic testing results which said that my little girl had a chromosomal abnormality (abnormal triploid female karyotype). A week or so later we were talking about morning sickness to which I remarked that I had very little with my pregnancy to which my coworker replied, “Well you must not have really been pregnant.”

That is horrible! I had more sickness with the pregnancy I miscarried than with my first son, I guess by her standards he doesn't really exist!

 

[BrokenfoREVer]

Ditto, I was really sick with my Babyness. I'm convinced I was having a girl, I never felt that ill with my son.

Some people are so damn insensitive!

 

[Starry Night]

Had a new one today. A genuine question. "What would you do if you could never have any children at all?"

We got something similar after our first loss too. BiL told DH that he needed to accept that we might never have children. DH said he was really pissed as it was not what a grieving parent needs to hear just a month after it happened. We were both under 30 at the time and it was our first loss so there was zero reason we had to accept a childless fate!! And in fact, we DO have a child now. We've since had another m/c but with a child people ignore you a bit more.

And I agree with the comments about a lost future. I had fantasies and visions of what our lives with our second child would look like. Now those dreams are dead. I may have a second child someday but it won't be the same. DS will be older, we'll be older and our circumstances will be different. The child will be a different child with a different character. We'll never ever have our Isabelle (the name we had picked for our second baby should it be a girl and have given our angel). I'm still a little mad that we'll never have our Isabelle. We'll also never have our Kaitlyn (a girl I pictured ever since I was engaged to DH 2 years before we lost our first angel) and we'll never have our Benjamin (DS' miscarried twin). I've accepted these lost futures but it still hurts.

 

[skyesmom]

We'll never ever have our Isabelle (the name we had picked for our second baby should it be a girl and have given our angel). I'm still a little mad that we'll never have our Isabelle. We'll also never have our Kaitlyn (a girl I pictured ever since I was engaged to DH 2 years before we lost our first angel) and we'll never have our Benjamin (DS' miscarried twin). I've accepted these lost futures but it still hurts.

after i lost my Skyler, a friend of mine told me that she believes that children choose parents and that these little souls remain attached to us until the time for their return comes... and that even though the body they will have will be different then the 1st time, and so will the life circumstances, that we never really lose the chance to have them back... made me tear up back then, but it kind of gives me hope that one day i will have my little angel back.

 

[Twinkie210]

I chose to believe that our Angels wait for us in Heaven and we will be reunited one day. (The book "Heaven is for Real" helped reaffirm this belief- if anyone hasn't read it and is even semi religious, I recommend it) Although I didn't believe it at the time, I also believe that my Angel's short existence on Earth had a purpose. I really believe that there is a bigger plan in motion. Through my miscarriage and the resulting weeks and months of intense grief, I met some amazing women who have become my friends and I now have a beautiful son. I would have none of this if I hadn't lost my second pregnancy. I am a more empathetic person and I have a greater appreciation for life and love. I will always miss my Angel but so much good has come from a bad situation too. (Oh and it took me a year and a half to finally get to this level of acceptance )

 

[gbnf]

Hi ladies
Ive just had my 11th miscarriage I have no children, whilst in hospital having medical management the doc wanted to exam me as 3 days had passed and nothing happened after giving me an internal she passed her glove to the nurse and asked her to put in the bin I said what if my baby is in there she replied dong be stupid it isn't a baby it's a product of conception I was so upset I just cried and cried how insensitive a supposedly professional can be. I work jn healthcare myself and would never pass comment like that to anyone. Regardless to what they class it as clinically that was my baby and all are very precious to me, even the nurse could not believe it. Xxxx

 

[skyesmom]

Hi ladies
Ive just had my 11th miscarriage I have no children, whilst in hospital having medical management the doc wanted to exam me as 3 days had passed and nothing happened after giving me an internal she passed her glove to the nurse and asked her to put in the bin I said what if my baby is in there she replied dong be stupid it isn't a baby it's a product of conception I was so upset I just cried and cried how insensitive a supposedly professional can be. I work jn healthcare myself and would never pass comment like that to anyone. Regardless to what they class it as clinically that was my baby and all are very precious to me, even the nurse could not believe it. Xxxx

wft, she should be reported!

 

[Starry Night]

That's so rude!! I can see doctors needing that technical terminology just to keep themselves sane as they see loss and grief everyday but to pass that coolness and indifference on to the patient is really uncaring and mean.

 

[Topanga053]

I agree with the others. That comment was heartless and inappropriate. She absolutely should be reported for that!

 

[GaiaSN]

I got the "Maybe you are just not meant to have children" staple from a "friend" today. That one is always a winner.

And this after finding out that I will be going through my 4th miscarriage this week.

 

[Topanga053]

Aghh how awesome would it be to be able to say, "maybe you are just meant to be punched in the face!" right before you punch her!

Honestly, some of the absurdly stupid, hurtful things some people say...

 

[LucyLake]

I found out my baby was measuring behind and had no heartbeat Feb 13 at what I thought was my 8 week ultrasound. Some of the gems I've received so far:

-when telling my mom I'd need to probably take misoprostol or have a d&c in the end because nothing is happening naturally:

"You don't have to do anything. There was a Chinese lady who miscarried at 30 and still had the baby inside at 90. It's almost like birth control!"

When telling my mom I was making a list of things to ask the doctor like what are the symptoms of an infection:

"Make sure you ask about birth control methods. You don't need another baby and this could happen again since your body doesn't seem to want to hold a pregnancy."

"Do you think this is from the turkey dinner at grandma's last week? Someone else I know miscarried that way". I'm now feeling guilty for every single thing I did or ate...was it listeria from the eggs at IHOP? That piece of pineapple I craved?

"This really is your fault because of how long you waited"

I'm 34 and so is hubby. We have an 8 year old and since he was born my husband wasn't ready until this year.

 

[skyesmom]

GaiaSN, Topanga053, LucyLake... people are sometimes brilliant when they try to be smart about things they don't know a hack about.

take those opinions as seriously as you would take a never-been-kissed virgin who explains you how to do the doggy style and the best blow j** on Earth at the same time.

 

[Starry Night]

LOL! That's too funny.

More seriously, maybe you could respond with a "so, would you tell a starving child that 'maybe they weren't meant to have food". It's a dark response, true, but I do wonder at where this idea that not getting what we want means we're not supposed to have it comes from. I know my single friends get the "maybe you're meant to be alone" crap from other people safe in the comfort of their own relationships.


I think people like to have answers to life's tragedies. The unexplained is frightening. So when they say these inane things to comfort us I think a lot of the time they're really trying to comfort themselves. Or, if they tell themselves that we must have done something wrong or that there was something wrong with us then they can prevent it from happening to them. It's hard to accept that sometimes life isn't fair and people get dealt a bad hand.