What not to say:

[hinkybinky]

I definitely think it's unfair to expect them to understand. And honestly, when my time comes to make my own FB announcement (if that day ever comes) I won't spare on the enthusiasm. I almost feel like a rainbow baby would deserve an extra exclamation point. lol The only real difference is I don't want to gloat either so won't be posting "I am so glad I'm pregnant" every single day or report on every doctor's appointment. I'm also open about my losses and commemorate the anniversaries.

A facebook announcement is different because it's a general announcement. Although, having said that, when I got pregnant with my son, several friends were struggling ttc so I deliberately didn't do a big announcement, because I *did* understand. That was before I'd had any miscarriages myself.

The text my friend sent (which was not a 'round-robin' but specifically to me) came a week after I'd let her know about my latest miscarriage and how crappy I was feeling. With that in mind, she might have been a bit more understanding and maybe toned down the enthusiasm a little.

 

[zanDark]

My SIL named her new baby after my Angel and didn't even ask us we had a huge fight on the phone and I said why would you do this with the name and she said LIVE WITH IT..........Then I said you have your baby now and I don't i go to a grave every week and she said GET OVER IT ALREADY

Thank God she wasn't in front of me I would have most definitely put her in the hospital with one blow to the face

oh my goodness what an awful person!

I'm so so so so sorry you have to put up with such a vile person! I can't believe she would say something like that lots of love to you

 

[Starry Night]

hinky - that is hard and I wasn't really responding to your specific situation. I honestly don't know how I would want a close friend of mine to announce her pregnancy to me after a loss. Leaving me to find out on FB would hurt but her just blithely saying "I'm preggo!" privately to me and expecting me to be happy would hurt. Also, her not telling me at all until she's showing would hurt. But I don't know what would hurt more.

 

[skyesmom]

i think there is no 100% right way for someone to announce their pregnancy to someone who has miscarried... although people can be very considerate and show their empathy and care, or completely inconsiderate and really hurt us without any need.
and facebook makes it harder as it makes a very very private news completely public to all sorts of people whom we are all differently bound to.

the most considerate people i've found were those who were either facing losses or infertility themselves. ie. my cousin was very very considerate with me, we are very close, he helped me through my hardest depressive times and cried for our loss with us, too. he knew already he'd become a father at those times but he waited a few weeks to tell us and even then approached us with the words: "i am so sorry i don't know how to share this with you as i don't want to hurt you and i feel as if i have stolen something from you, but..." and let me finish his sentence: "you will be a daddy!!" i was overjoyed to hear they were expecting as it took them AGES to conceive and he had a really low sperm count so my little niece was our miracle to everybody. she was born on our due date even (!) and i always kinda knew she would. i took it as a message of hope from my angel telling me "mommy i'll come back to you".

but i know very few people capable of this kind of empathy. if you haven't suffered a loss you can't know what it is, you live in a bubble of perfect innocence and carelessness... and it is a loss of this innocence that hurts when you miscarry, too. one of the rare times i say the ignorance is really blessed.

 

[Andypanda6570]

i think there is no 100% right way for someone to announce their pregnancy to someone who has miscarried... although people can be very considerate and show their empathy and care, or completely inconsiderate and really hurt us without any need.
and facebook makes it harder as it makes a very very private news completely public to all sorts of people whom we are all differently bound to.

the most considerate people i've found were those who were either facing losses or infertility themselves. ie. my cousin was very very considerate with me, we are very close, he helped me through my hardest depressive times and cried for our loss with us, too. he knew already he'd become a father at those times but he waited a few weeks to tell us and even then approached us with the words: "i am so sorry i don't know how to share this with you as i don't want to hurt you and i feel as if i have stolen something from you, but..." and let me finish his sentence: "you will be a daddy!!" i was overjoyed to hear they were expecting as it took them AGES to conceive and he had a really low sperm count so my little niece was our miracle to everybody. she was born on our due date even (!) and i always kinda knew she would. i took it as a message of hope from my angel telling me "mommy i'll come back to you".

but i know very few people capable of this kind of empathy. if you haven't suffered a loss you can't know what it is, you live in a bubble of perfect innocence and carelessness... and it is a loss of this innocence that hurts when you miscarry, too. one of the rare times i say the ignorance is really blessed.

You know what is really funny in my whole mess with my SIL? She became pregnant in February of 2012 and told my husband first in May 2012 and said she wanted to approach me with care when telling me???????????? Then she goes and names the baby our angel name doesn't tell us and then says those awful things to me, and I am crazy?

 

[skyesmom]

You know what is really funny in my whole mess with my SIL? She became pregnant in February of 2012 and told my husband first in May 2012 and said she wanted to approach me with care when telling me???????????? Then she goes and names the baby our angel name doesn't tell us and then says those awful things to me, and I am crazy?

! ! ! don't know what to say to this, people are really really

 

[hinkybinky]

hinky - that is hard and I wasn't really responding to your specific situation. I honestly don't know how I would want a close friend of mine to announce her pregnancy to me after a loss. Leaving me to find out on FB would hurt but her just blithely saying "I'm preggo!" privately to me and expecting me to be happy would hurt. Also, her not telling me at all until she's showing would hurt. But I don't know what would hurt more.

I think you're right that it's important not to be the last to know. But as you say there is no easy way.

I also agree that when I finally get to announce my rainbow I'll be shouting it from the rooftops. Like you, I've not made a secret of my miscarriages, so my friends are very aware of our journey and hopefully would not begrudge me being excited.

 

[skyesmom]

oh hinkypinky i'm sure all our friends will celebrate threefold for our rainbows!

 

[larvalstalker]

This biggest thing that bothered me after my m/c was when people told me to "get over it" and that I was being too self-absorbed because I didn't want to go hang out with them and talk about their relationship issues.

One of my friends did tell me "even though it had a short life, your baby knew the love of an amazing person". Thinking of that statement still makes me cry... it made me feel so happy.

 

[tlk71411]

I miscarried Tuesday...little over 6 weeks. I went in for a blood draw today....and one of the drs said to me: "well it's not like you were that far along. You can try next month." Um. I don't care if I was 2 days pregnant. I lost a baby and I will never see that baby. And no FYI I can't try again next month. My husband is in Quantico and I won't see him until July.
The best thing my family said was "I'm sorry. We love you. Tell us when you want to talk."

 

[larvalstalker]

I miscarried Tuesday...little over 6 weeks. I went in for a blood draw today....and one of the drs said to me: "well it's not like you were that far along. You can try next month." Um. I don't care if I was 2 days pregnant. I lost a baby and I will never see that baby. And no FYI I can't try again next month. My husband is in Quantico and I won't see him until July.
The best thing my family said was "I'm sorry. We love you. Tell us when you want to talk."

I am so sorry for your loss, hun *hugs* I was 8 weeks when we miscarried and the doctor told me "you can always go ahead and have another baby". I freaked out and said that it wasn't like just going to the store!
Doctors can be really insensitive

I am sorry about your little angel

 

[2013myyear]

Today when I discovered id lost my baby 8 weeks gone (still In denial) I was asking the doctor why me and she replied "baby's saying it wasn't gonna be healthy" I wouldn't have been bothered tho I really wouldn't have and that hurt xx

 

[tlk71411]

2013 I'm in denial too. I feel like any minute I'm going wake up from this nightmare. Instead I have dreams that the Dr tells me, "it's a miracle, your still pregnant!" And then I wake up to reality. I just want this over.

 

[skyesmom]

tlk71411, i had that for month. i dreamed for many many nights in a row either that doctors tell me i'm still pregnant, or that i take a hpt alone and do it and get a bfp and it's the same baby and they were all wrong... it took about 3 months for these dreams to leave.. heart wrenching indeed.

 

[Hopefull Mom]

i lost my baby in may at 13 weeks from a mmc - bilighted ovum everyone was nice but then i had comments like "at least your young u can carry on with uni now " oh so having a baby would stop me ? NO ! "dont think about it" its all i think about and even when my bf was in a bad moon he said to me " why are u even sad it wasnt like it was real anyway" :'( been 9 months and i still cry evrynight
Sorry for everyone's losses im here if anybody wants to talk

x

 

[skyesmom]

:'( been 9 months and i still cry evrynight


x

it's incredible how long it takes to recover and heal from this kind of loss. i have started to find some peace (and my partner too) only a year after the loss, and it is still an ongoing process.

 

[Andypanda6570]

:'( been 9 months and i still cry evrynight


x

it's incredible how long it takes to recover and heal from this kind of loss. i have started to find some peace (and my partner too) only a year after the loss, and it is still an ongoing process.

I am still not at peace and it has been over 2 years, it is an ongoing process.
While I don't cry as much as I did in the first year, I still cry more than not

XOXXOOXOX

 

[mojojojo563]

I still think of my loss everyday it was very hard one day u/s heartbeat all was well 2 days later my boobs didn't hurt I felt something was wrg I went to the gyn by myself they said they were sure all was well since I just had an U/S 2days b-4 but I insisted on another and no heartbeat. I was crushed. Then I had to go back to work and explain to ppl since my boss told everyone I was prego and my whole family it was very very hard still is and I;m still TTC since all this. I finally was given clomid this month and finally got my first pos OPK test on the 19th. Ever since the D&C I have been scared that I would never get to have anymore kids but, I have my fingers crossed hope we got the egg and our next baby will be fine. The baby I lost was a boy we found out since they ran test to see what happened and here he had trisomy 18 how sad they said that it was just something that happened. This site helped me alot most of the ladies that had losses around the sametime as me already have their rainbow baby I am praying for mine good things take time sometimes longer for others like myself.

 

[tlk71411]

I still think of my loss everyday it was very hard one day u/s heartbeat all was well 2 days later my boobs didn't hurt I felt something was wrg I went to the gyn by myself they said they were sure all was well since I just had an U/S 2days b-4 but I insisted on another and no heartbeat. I was crushed. Then I had to go back to work and explain to ppl since my boss told everyone I was prego and my whole family it was very very hard still is and I;m still TTC since all this. I finally was given clomid this month and finally got my first pos OPK test on the 19th. Ever since the D&C I have been scared that I would never get to have anymore kids but, I have my fingers crossed hope we got the egg and our next baby will be fine. The baby I lost was a boy we found out since they ran test to see what happened and here he had trisomy 18 how sad they said that it was just something that happened. This site helped me alot most of the ladies that had losses around the sametime as me already have their rainbow baby I am praying for mine good things take time sometimes longer for others like myself.

I'm so sorry you went through that. I hope maybe knowing about the trisomy 18 helped you heal-knowing there wasn't anything you could have done. I'm in the self blame phase of this now. I think the worst part is that I can't even try again for a long time. Have you all begun TTC again? I wish you all rainbow babies

 

[Mrscatk]

I agree with all of those! I had one in December, & the only person I did not resent for saying any or those was my doctor. "having a baby changes your life" & "everything happens for a reason" are the worst two to me... The worst thing that was said of all things was a friend of mine, one week after I found out I lost the baby, very excitedly, told me she was pregnant. PLEASE, be very cautious & considerate when sharing this news! I almost slapped her... If you have to, please mention that you understand that it is horrible timing...

The best thing to say is either: I'm sorry for your loss

Or

I really appreciated when people shared their own stories with me...it was like saying "it happens a lot" without really saying it... Even a family member of mine, who had never told anyone else in the family, told me about how it had happened to her, and it really helped me through the loss...it showed me how many people I knew that went through it as well.

Otherwise, don't bring it up unless they do!