What not to say:

[Starry Night]

I absolutely hate the "wasn't meant to be" line. So so many people have said it to me, EVEN my husband, and when he said it I said "No. I don't believe that anything is ever MEANT to happen, I think random things just happen and play out in random ways."

Absolutely. I hate the "everything happens for a reason" line. NO! Things just happen, and some of them are crappy things.

And I don't see how things happening 'for a reason' can make anyone feel better. If there were any rhyme or reason to it, what was the reason for us getting pregnant in the first place, just to miscarry?

^THIS. Oh my goodness, that is exactly what I think. I'm fairly religious so I often hear the "God has a reason for everything" and it's so crap because why would He let me get pregnant and then kill my baby just to teach me some cosmic lesson? Why punish my baby if I'm the one with not enough faith or a bad attitude or whatever? Also, this implies that I am to blame for my baby's death. There isn't always a reason behind everything. Sometimes bad stuff just happens.

 

[dairymomma]

When you know someone is demanding a D&C because they physically, mentally, and emotionally CANNOT go through with a natural miscarriage, don't tell them things like "Get up and move if it makes your cramps worse." or "Go take a walk. It might help things move along faster." I've heard these and variations of these several times since I found out my baby no longer had a hb on Tuesday. I've had 6 natural m/c but I wasn't more than 9 1/2 weeks for any of them. I would have been 14+4 today and the baby was measuring 13 1/2 to 14 weeks when I found out I would be m/c again. This will be my seventh m/c and I just can't do it. Yet, no one seems to understand how much I NEED the D&C. I've been bawling all day because of this. Even DH didn't get how badly I'm scared by the idea of another natural m/c until I broke down in front of him this evening.

 

[dairymomma]

Oh and this time I got the comment, "Well, your daughter ISN'T even two yet and you are only in your 20s. You've got time." This current m/c will be my seventh one and the third consecutive since I had my daughter. Just because dd and any of those three would have been less than 2 years apart doesn't mean I wouldn't have wanted any of those three babies. Sure, I would have been busy with 3 kids 4-and-under but I would have relished it.

 

[hinkybinky]

When you know someone is demanding a D&C because they physically, mentally, and emotionally CANNOT go through with a natural miscarriage, don't tell them things like "Get up and move if it makes your cramps worse." or "Go take a walk. It might help things move along faster." I've heard these and variations of these several times since I found out my baby no longer had a hb on Tuesday. I've had 6 natural m/c but I wasn't more than 9 1/2 weeks for any of them. I would have been 14+4 today and the baby was measuring 13 1/2 to 14 weeks when I found out I would be m/c again. This will be my seventh m/c and I just can't do it. Yet, no one seems to understand how much I NEED the D&C. I've been bawling all day because of this. Even DH didn't get how badly I'm scared by the idea of another natural m/c until I broke down in front of him this evening.

Who is saying this to you?? I opted for D&C with both my mmcs because I was completely terrified of what it would feel like and what I would see, although the second time around I mc naturally the day before the D&C. I was only 9 weeks and the natural mc was painful and upsetting enough. I would be terrified of delivering a 14 week old baby

I hope you get what you need and that people stop being so bloody inconsiderate xxx

 

[dairymomma]

The OB dr performing the procedure told me it would be better "for testing reasons" to pass it naturally. My naturopath told me it would be "easier if you did it naturally because your body will be prepared for it." My DH told me to take a walk (after which I promptly broke down and bawled until he understood). My m-i-l told me the Get Up and Move line. (She's also the one who asked if I had tried to stop my labor at 37 weeks with both my kids because I wasn't 40 weeks.) And to top this all off, I just found out that the earliest they can get me in for a D&C is Tuesday of next week! A full week after I demanded one! So mad and now I'm convinced I'm going to m/c before they can get me in for the surgery. If I do, you can bet I'm going to give every doctor involved an earful and I'm about thisclose to switching hospitals because of this. I'm not so terrified of the physical pain anymore as I have heavy duty pain meds on hand and the doctor told me I can go to the ER if I need something more but there's still everything else to deal with and I'm just not ready.

 

[dairymomma]

Oh I got another one just yesterday. Some asked me, "Are you SURE they didn't make a mistake?" Uh...yeah like they'd miss a heartbeat on an ultrasound at 14 weeks that they were able to pick up with an u/s at 7 and 10 weeks and with a doppler at 10 and 11 weeks...Nothing like trying to give me hope when no hope is to be found...

 

[A132429]

MIL told me (after she knew this baby was planned!) Oh you need to go on the pill now and wait till Jacob is older..-_- I wanted to kill her

 

[danni1989]

i had ectopic in may and now having another one at 6 weeks go for surgery tomorrow and thats all doctors and everyone is saying things that they dont mean to be negative but they are very negative in my eyes..like god just thinks you arent ready...it will be ok. no it wont be ok..i'm heart broken and makes me feel no one cares..its truley hard. i'm taking this one harder then the last.

 

[skyesmom]

i also took my second harder then my first one. i can't exactly put into words why, but it just destroyed me completely. and people really really came up with crazy things to say. on the other hand, i got a TON of understanding and kind and supportive words from people i have LEAST expected to be able to understand or at least try to. you really never know.

 

[Nina83]

Skyesmom,
I actually took my second loss a bit more lightly. The first was more of a shock, the second disappointment.
My Mom, and apparently my MIL, said "Maybe it was too soon?" and it stung that they would think that, but I know they're only trying to find some sort of reasoning to it.
I know they hurt for us and are looking for a reason.
People at work and others who say that though- shove off, they have no right.
I mainly think that family members are just looking for some sort of reason as to why it happened. At least mine. I have heard of other family members saying the most hurtful things.

 

[browneyes2]

I have heard all of these things and they hurt so much . I do not know why anyone would say things like this. I found it more helpful when people said nothing at all!

 

[Harleyy]

"Oh, you had a miscarriage, as in.. IT died?"


Urgh.
That was a so called "professional"

 

[Literati_Love]

I've had a couple people, who have never had a miscarriage or any other loss before, say, "Oh yeah, I've had a really late period before so I've probably been through the same thing."

Um...no...not the same.

 

[Ramie80]

Heard so many but the best reaction (I just had to laugh) was when I was visited at home by a "friend" and her 6mth old after my second m/c. She asked how I was and then proceeded to tell me about how worn out she was and run down because her last 6 months "have been hell". The baby arrived early and she had to go back to work sooner than planned and how life was so terrible and stressful at the moment... Meanwhile I'm recovering from an ERPC after the second m/c in less than 12 mths after 3 yrs trying.

Some people just have no idea. Best thing to do is laugh at the selfishness and pity the type of people who can be like that!

 

[MysticLife]

Sometimes the best thing to say is "I don't know what to say" or "Wow that sucks". I have heard all of these and more and it just makes it hurt so much more. One of my friends actually said to me "I knew someone who had twins and one of them was stillborn. Could you imagine having to hold your dead baby? You're better off."

I know it's not their fault, they just don't know what to say so consequently they say all the wrong things. It doesn't mean they don't love you or don't support you, they are just naive. Part of me is almost happy that they don't get it, because that means they haven't had to go through this pain before. Still, it does suck.

 

[Mellymel]

I had a friend, who is a new mom and self declared very emotional person, tell me she didn't understand why I was still so upset after the d&c after I told her my situation (I wrote a post about it). I had to explain. She said that at least I got pregnant fast and that I could try again. When I said I am 38 and not sure she told me it was my fault for waiting so long to try(she was 31 when she had her 1st and is 33 now).This was after she was told I had to wait 2 yrs to get to see my gastroenterologist, get tests and then a follow up appt to get clearance (Crohn's) to try. She sits behind me at work and witnessed me crying several times. She even too me it was "good" because he baby wasn't healthy and that lots of people have miscarriages. Didn't make me feel better!

Another friend with no children knew I had the US and that had some light bleeding and was worried about a mc. She texted me right after a saw my GP for US results. She texted me to ask how the appt went. I sent a sad face. She asked me what his meant. Really? I had to explain. Then she called me wantin to talk about it so she could understand. I had to tell her it was a bad time. She continued to want to talk about it. Glad she tried but really...

 

[MrsKelly123]

After two miscarriages:

SIL: I don't understand what the big deal is.

Doctor woman friend after 11 week mc and agonising medical mgmt of the mc: I blame home pregnancy tests. Before those you wouldn't have known you were pregnancy.

Smiling colleague: next time you will have twins. Don't be upset, it's so common.

I don't get why people equate commonality with unimportance. Cancer is common. Losing parents is common. No way would you ever respond to that news with it's so common.

 

[skyesmom]

After two miscarriages:

I don't get why people equate commonality with unimportance. Cancer is common. Losing parents is common. No way would you ever respond to that news with it's so common.

this is what i always tell to people when they say it's common. i tell them: yeah, the death is so common that 100% of people on earth die. does this fact remove the pain when they're gone? i'm sorry if i missed out on statistics being a painkiller

 

[Starry Night]

That's really a clever reply--the perfect blend of sarcasm and poignancy.

Mrs Kelly - my mom has often brought up the home pregnancy test thing too. She'll often say "you test too early. It would be better if you didn't know". Personally, I think it would be worse not knowing for sure. I mean, AF would be late, I would feel really pregnant and now I am bleeding very heavily and am in a lot of pain, yet I can't say for sure I actually lost a baby. I would spend the rest of my life wondering, should I be sad or shouldn't I? I'd rather know!

I mean, I lost my son's twin. I held it in my hand. But because I never had "proof" that I had a twin (no scan and I flushed the baby in my panic so had nothing to show the doctor) that it doesn't get acknowledged. It makes me question myself and the reality of my angel and that hurts more than knowing for sure I have an angel that can be properly grieved.

In defence of my mom, I know she says that about pregnancy tests because it really hurts her to see me in pain--I'm still her baby--and she wants to protect me.

 

[dairymomma]

The flaw with that "I blame the hpts" thinking is that some of us (esp. those of us in this forum) need to have help as early as possible in a pregnancy. If I HADN'T tested early and found out I was pregnant with my ds and dd, it's 99.99% likely I would have miscarried them as I have a problem with low progesterone problems in early pregnancy. In fact, without my hpts to prove I'm pg, who knows how many unknown miscarriages I would have had in the last six years since early testing has led to my progesterone diagnosis. And I've had 7 confirmed m/c as it is...I say confirmed because I've had a few late AFs (like up to a week late) with pg symptoms and everything that I can't say for sure were miscarriages because my hpts weren't BFPs. I STILL wonder about those ones-were they chemicals or not? Just a funky period or not?