What not to say:

[Mrscatk]

I agree with all of those! I had one in December, & the only person I did not resent for saying any or those was my doctor. "having a baby changes your life" & "everything happens for a reason" are the worst two to me... The worst thing that was said of all things was a friend of mine, one week after I found out I lost the baby, very excitedly, told me she was pregnant. PLEASE, be very cautious & considerate when sharing this news! I almost slapped her... If you have to, please mention that you understand that it is horrible timing...

The best thing to say is either: I'm sorry for your loss

Or

I really appreciated when people shared their own stories with me...it was like saying "it happens a lot" without really saying it... Even a family member of mine, who had never told anyone else in the family, told me about how it had happened to her, and it really helped me through the loss...it showed me how many people I knew that went through it as well.

Otherwise, don't bring it up unless they do!

 

[BrokenfoREVer]

Well I've just had the utter biscuit taken over this. After my loss I wrote a small blog, just to try & get my feelings out. It was helpful, because I could say all the things there that I couldn't say in real life.

My OHs mother took some offense to this, saying I was having a go at her & her family & I was taking all my grief out on them & that I blamed them for what happened.

Then a couple of days ago we were having a blazing row & she turned about & said my blog was pathetic & I was just looking for sympathy.

I was so shocked I just burst into tears. How could someone be that evil!

 

[larvalstalker]

Well I've just had the utter biscuit taken over this. After my loss I wrote a small blog, just to try & get my feelings out. It was helpful, because I could say all the things there that I couldn't say in real life.

My OHs mother took some offense to this, saying I was having a go at her & her family & I was taking all my grief out on them & that I blamed them for what happened.

Then a couple of days ago we were having a blazing row & she turned about & said my blog was pathetic & I was just looking for sympathy.

I was so shocked I just burst into tears. How could someone be that evil!

That's terrible! Has she ever been through anything like this? Has she experience loss?
When we lost our baby last year my OH's mother was AWFUL. The day we found out, my OH called her and the first thing she said was "so, is she gonna get the rest scraped out?" I heard her say it over the phone and burst into tears.

You deserve MUCH more respect than that, hun. I am so sorry for your loss *hugs*

 

[Starry Night]

Why do people suck so much? I'm sorry for how insensitive your families have been. No one deserves that.

 

[krissie2690]

As horrible as this subject it,its kind of nice knowing I'm not the only one that's mortified when someone says,it happens a lot or time to move on now! Sorry for all your losses!

 

[SophiePoeta]

All my friends said things like, "it was too soon", "when the time is right it'll happen", "you'll get over it". My boyfriend won't even let me talk about it (I got with him after I miscarried, it wasn't his baby). My mother told me I shouldn't be upset, since it wasn't even human anyway. No support at all.

 

[Jo37]

My best friend's email to me when I found out I was going to miscarry:

"There are many positives to find in this situation. I’ll point them out for you in case you’re not really able to see them at the moment.
-you didn’t want to bring a baby into your current house. Now you have time to figure out what to do about your house!! No pressure!!
-you weren’t sure about finances.. now the worry is gone
-you know for sure now that you can get prego!!! Yay!!! 
-you can go on your trip with your husband!!!!! Yay yay!
-everything in your life is still just as wonderful as it always was. Nothing has changed. Life is great!!! We should go out for a drink soon"

I didn't say I didn't want to bring a child into my current house. I told her I would have preferred to have a bigger house by the time I gave birth.

Next message:
"-Did they actually see a baby on the ultrasound?"

Um yes they did!!!!!!!!!! No heartbeat and would it have made the pain any less if they didn't see a baby?

She was gone on a trip the week of my miscarriage and my first message from her a few days after she got home was:
"Are you going to my friend's baby shower?"

Thanks for asking how I was feeling first and thanks for saying that you understand if I can't go to the shower! I'll never ever get over that!!

 

[hinkybinky]

My best friend's email to me when I found out I was going to miscarry:

"There are many positives to find in this situation. I’ll point them out for you in case you’re not really able to see them at the moment.
-you didn’t want to bring a baby into your current house. Now you have time to figure out what to do about your house!! No pressure!!
-you weren’t sure about finances.. now the worry is gone
-you know for sure now that you can get prego!!! Yay!!! 
-you can go on your trip with your husband!!!!! Yay yay!
-everything in your life is still just as wonderful as it always was. Nothing has changed. Life is great!!! We should go out for a drink soon"

I didn't say I didn't want to bring a child into my current house. I told her I would have preferred to have a bigger house by the time I gave birth.

Next message:
"-Did they actually see a baby on the ultrasound?"

Um yes they did!!!!!!!!!! No heartbeat and would it have made the pain any less if they didn't see a baby?

She was gone on a trip the week of my miscarriage and my first message from her a few days after she got home was:
"Are you going to my friend's baby shower?"

Thanks for asking how I was feeling first and thanks for saying that you understand if I can't go to the shower! I'll never ever get over that!!

I'm so sorry that you had to hear all that - people who haven't been through it can never exactly understand the pain but most *friends* at least try to say the right thing. Did you reply?

 

[Jo37]

I'm so sorry that you had to hear all that - people who haven't been through it can never exactly understand the pain but most *friends* at least try to say the right thing. Did you reply?

[/QUOTE]


Thank you . I was too shocked say anything to her and being the non-confrontational person I am I told her not to worry about me and I will find a way to deal with it. After her message about the baby shower I just told her that I wasn't ready to go. I expected her to be concerned but she later just invited me to a party she was having. We are obviously in 2 different places. I have no desire to connect with her again anytime soon

 

[Starry Night]

Oh my. Talk about ignorance. That is just a blatantly naive message that your friend sent you. She probably thought that was the most cheerful thing she could have sent you. Why, oh, why do people think they need to fix another person's grief?? Grief is a HEALTHY response to tragedy. It would be unhealthy to be like "oh, this sad thing happened to me but I don't care I"m just going to pretend nothing happened and I'll go about my life as usual an suppress every human emotion forever".

I guess your friend was trying but yuck. Very insensitive. I'm sure she would hate a "let's see the bright side of this tragedy" kind of text if she had lost her grandmother or parent or friend, etc. If people would just stop and think about it, they wouldn't dream of saying these stupid things when a baby dies. I don't know why dead babies somehow get a free pass or are regarded as a lesser tragedy.

 

[Jo37]

Starry Night, you just made my day. I was truly confused all this time thinking maybe I've totally lost my mind and that was a normal reaction from her. Your message makes me feel more empowered and I am now 100% sure that it was complete ignorance on her part. She was the same way when my 13 year old dog (light of my life) died last year with this 'look at the bright side attitude'. Let me grieve for the love of God!!!

Thank you, thank you!

 

[Topanga053]

Jo, gah, your friend's email made me wince. I get that she was trying to be supportive and positive, but I would have wanted to punch her!

I loved my best friend's reaction when I told her. We had gotten pregnant the same week and were SOO excited to be pregnant together. When I texted her that I'd lost my angel, she immediately called me and said, "I am so, so sorry. That is so unbelievably awful." I pointed out that things could be so much worse and she said, "Maybe, but this still sucks pretty damn bad."

I love when people don't try to make us feel better and instead just acknowledge the fact that we're grieving and that the situation sucks!!

 

[Starry Night]

I'm glad I could help, Jo. I'm with Topanga. the best responses I've gotten from friends have been the "I'm sad with you" messages. No trying to explain the cosmic purpose behind it all, no "bright side" messages, no "get over its" or any other clichéd remark.

 

[cortneylyn]

Hi friends. I recently have taken up a huge undertaking. After suffering 2 miscarriages and receiving mixed feelings from people about my decision to talk about them and raise awareness to the hurt that women and couples feel, i started a blog. I have been super blessed with all that has come from this. So many women hurting and feeling like they need to be silenced and that we shouldnt talk about this. The fact that you are part of this group and have come here for a comminuty to support you, just like i did, is exactly why i want to speak out for how we really feel during this time. I hope you find it encouraging and please feel free to give me feed back or let me know something you would like me to write about. I hope it is a blessing to you and helps your (our) healing hearts.



i have linked you to the first blog, but there are currently 3 in there. thanks again.



alittlelessawkwardness.blogspot

 

[Nat0609]

"You aren't the first and won't be the last so not everything has to be about you" was an unpleasant one coming from a supposed good friend!

She's never been pregnant and whilst I wouldn't wish a MMC on anyone I think karma has a habit of catching up with people who have no empathy.

I treat people how I'd wish to be treated under the circumstances, unfortunately not everyone is the same xx

 

[Jo37]

OMG Nat! That's an insane thing to say! I really don't understand the lack of empathy from people. It's really hard to have a good relationship with someone after that. I still haven't spoken to my best friend yet. Not sure when/if I'll ever be ready....

 

[Nat0609]

Born or unborn we've lost a child but some people just don't have a clue. If I didn't know what to say I'd go for the obvious choice and keep my mouth shut lol! Xx

 

[Exmxb]

I just heard "At least you found out now that something was wrong with the baby, instead of when you were farther along." really...?

 

[Exmxb]

I absolutely hate the "wasn't meant to be" line. So so many people have said it to me, EVEN my husband, and when he said it I said "No. I don't believe that anything is ever MEANT to happen, I think random things just happen and play out in random ways."

 

[hinkybinky]

I absolutely hate the "wasn't meant to be" line. So so many people have said it to me, EVEN my husband, and when he said it I said "No. I don't believe that anything is ever MEANT to happen, I think random things just happen and play out in random ways."

Absolutely. I hate the "everything happens for a reason" line. NO! Things just happen, and some of them are crappy things.

And I don't see how things happening 'for a reason' can make anyone feel better. If there were any rhyme or reason to it, what was the reason for us getting pregnant in the first place, just to miscarry?