What not to say:

[Starry Night]

^Exactly. Also, as I tell my mom, early detection can help find ectopics sooner and increase the odds of saving the tube.

 

[dairymomma]

Very true.

 

[BrokenfoREVer]

I found out my second baby had grow wings on Tuesday.

Just a week prior me & OH had tried to reconcile with my MIL. We've not spoken for months for various reasons. Anyway I said I'd text her the results of the scan.

We found out our baby had stopped growing at 5 weeks & miscarriage was imminent, I text her to tell her this & she argued blind with me that it wasn't how I said it was & that if baby was 5 weeks there must be something there. I tried to explain that there was no actual baby, just an empty sac but she wouldn't have it.

I was so gutted. It was hard enough to find the words to say what had happened again without her telling me I was wrong. Trying to give someone hope is one thing but it's cruel to fight them when there is no hope

 

[Starry Night]

I'm sorry, Broken. I find that sometimes people almost get angry in their attempts to give you false hopes when you know it's over.

 

[Pixiedust913]

could we have a thread for the right things to say
my friend miscarried in december and i admit ive used a couple of the sentences above but its so hard to try and find words to show how i feel about the subject
thanks.

Having just gone through this myself (and having been fortunate not to have gotten much of the insensitivity) I can tell you some of the things that I have found comforting... More than anything, a sincere "I'm so sorry you have to go through this" is nice. If you don't know what to say than that is a perfectly appropriate response as well! Let her cry, give her a hug. Offer to help if you can, and mean it (in my case the answer is typically that we're ok, but the offer *is* greatly appreciated!) Try to recognize that she lost something more than "a pregnancy". For a mother going through a miscarriage this means the loss of a child, and of all her hopes and dreams for that child! Don't try to make it better, there's really nothing that can be said that will make it ok... And if you don't know what she's going through, don't pretend to understand. Just be honest, sincere and willing to listen. And thank you for being considerate enough to ask!

 

[BrokenfoREVer]

In response to this ^^

The people that brought me the most comfort were the people that spoke about my babies as if they actually existed. I always refer to them as my Angels & people that spoke about them the same way brought me a lot of comfort. It made me feel like I wasn't crazy talking bout them that way.

People who offer help but don't get in my face helped a lot too. I don't want to constantly talk about what happened, but it's nice to know people are there.

 

[Starry Night]

Yes, I always appreciate when people acknowledge I am experiencing a real loss and not just a "disappointment". In my mind, I have a child who died. It's not the same as looking forward to something and then it simply doesn't happen. I had a baby but then it died. It died really, really early in its development but it was real. I got sick, I got cravings and bloated and made sacrifices for the baby (avoiding certain foods, resting as much as possible, etc).

 

[skyesmom]

Yes, I always appreciate when people acknowledge I am experiencing a real loss and not just a "disappointment". In my mind, I have a child who died. It's not the same as looking forward to something and then it simply doesn't happen. I had a baby but then it died. It died really, really early in its development but it was real. I got sick, I got cravings and bloated and made sacrifices for the baby (avoiding certain foods, resting as much as possible, etc).

yes, acknowledging my loss is fundamental to me and it makes things so much easier!
i had one really good experience recently: a friend of mine who didn't know of my losses told me i should give it a move and have a child since i'm turning 31 this year and i told her i had two angel boys already.
she was shocked but very sweet and just hugged me and said: "i am so so so sorry." and i could really feel that she meant it with her whole heart. she also that added she loved me and that i am such a wonderful person. and she hasn't acted awkward towards me after i've told her or avoided the topic.

this changed so so much for me. we weren't that close but we aren't strangers either, and after a reaction like this i'd really like more people to do like she did! and she never suffered a loss of her own.

 

[Nimyra]

The most helpful thing for me was people asking, "what do you need?" Or "What can I do to help?"

Some days I needed to talk about something else. Some days I needed to talk about my loss. Some days I needed to be left alone entirely. Some days I needed a hand around the house or a hot meal.

 

[celine]

Im goong thru my 2nd mc too. Its my second one in 12 weeks, we havent told mil this time as last time she (who apparently sayd she had a mc...) said its meant to be/ its for the best - this is what she said to dh, what has she said to me you may ask...nothing. Zip...she did call for my birthday a month aftre my first mc nd oddly enough the day i found out i was preg again and she wished me happy birthday etc but has never mentioned my mc.

 

[PurpleMama]

The thing is there's really nothing to say. Something meant to be comforting is actually very painful. Things like:

• It wasn't meant to be
• It wasn't the baby's time
• Its natures way of saying the baby wasn't going to survive

all just make us feel worse.

My least favourite is being told I can always have another...

I don't want another one....I want that one.

 

[mjbutterflies]

I just had a miscarriage on Wednesday, and it was my first one. I have a daughter who is 21 months old. Almost everyone keeps telling me that something was so severely wrong with the baby and that is why it happened. They say it's good because it probably was so deformed and that is why it happened. It's the body's way of taking care of it. It does not help me AT ALL for them to say those things!!! Why would it??? It's supposed to HELP to say that something was seriously wrong with my baby while everyone else is having healthy babies? I hate Facebook now. So many people, including one of my closest friends and my cousin are pregnant, and their pregnancies are going along just fine. I'm happy for them, don't get me wrong, but it just hurts so much.

 

[baby3000]

that's an excellent response! What these "professionals" are doing is de-personalizing what you lost, they are basically pretending it wasn't a human being. This is somewhat easy to do in our culture where women are allowed to abort "something" without referring to it as a human being (because if it were "human" then you would not be allowed to kill it). Obviously its "human status" does not depend on whether the mother wants the pregnancy or doesn't want it. I miscarried at 5 weeks and had a doctor who deals with pregnant women tell me that it was "too early to tell if it was a baby." So I asked her if she thought my body just produced HCG on its own for the fun of it.

After two miscarriages:

I don't get why people equate commonality with unimportance. Cancer is common. Losing parents is common. No way would you ever respond to that news with it's so common.

this is what i always tell to people when they say it's common. i tell them: yeah, the death is so common that 100% of people on earth die. does this fact remove the pain when they're gone? i'm sorry if i missed out on statistics being a painkiller

 

[Jadenmia]

I had stupidly announced I was pregnant at 8 weeks. We were so excited we just wanted to tell the whole world. I never thought this could have happened.. Silly I know.
I had to them announce the loss, so as nobody else would congratulate us any further after finding out at 10 weeks there was no sign of pregnancy anymore.
Somebody said, I think this is a sign that it wasn't the right time.

Excuse me!? It was a great time... I can't believe people can be so insensitive.

 

[Starry Night]

I don't think people realize that they are essentially insulting your ability to raise and care for a child by saying "it wasn't the right time". They might as well say "you aren't ready". So rude. Why not just say, "I'm sorry" ? Just be sad for someone. Being sad is normal so there is no need to be the one to 'fix' it.

 

[skyesmom]

I don't think people realize that they are essentially insulting your ability to raise and care for a child by saying "it wasn't the right time". They might as well say "you aren't ready". So rude. Why not just say, "I'm sorry" ? Just be sad for someone. Being sad is normal so there is no need to be the one to 'fix' it.

"you aren't ready" and "it wasn't meant to be" are the ones that trigger me the most and the ones i'd gladly show a fist in their face, but i usually reply very politely that drug addicts and 14 year olds get to have healthy, living babies and that i am actually capable of estimating how ready i am to have children (especially when ttcing!!!!) and yet i don't have one...

i don't understand how people think they can dispense these pearls of universal judgement and justice here and there as if they were god...

NOTE: i DO understand. they have never been through it and it is impossible to imagine this devastation before it happens. but still it manages to surprise me how people lack sensitivity sometimes.

 

[Starry Night]

Ugh, I know. I'm a Christian so I get a lot of the "it wasn't God's timing" and it makes it seem like God is up in heaven zapping all the babies He thinks don't deserve to live. I know that's not true but it's still hurtful to hear. It makes it seem like I sinned by having a baby when I wasn't supposed to, but instead of zapping ME he punishes my innocent baby.

 

[Angelbaby_01]

"You're still young and will have plenty of babies"

"Maybe it happened for a reason and safed the baby from a troubled life on earth"

"Maybe it was the wrong timing"

Etc etc etc

My heart is still broken and I want my baby.

 

[alwaysmrssmit]

x

 

[CareAlot]

I have all these and more too! It's devastating and doesn't help. Maybe our families should learn to say "how are you feeling and how can I help"