What not to say:

[lolly25]

hiya i lost bean 5 weeks ago and the worst one is "god does it for a reason and some people are not meant to have disabled children!!!

OMG cant believe how insensitive

 

[CurlySue]

The one thing I hate about miscarriage is that people try to push religion onto people. "God does this for a reason." What if I don't believe in God? What then?

 

[minimoo90]

exactly...

my oh kept saying 'obvious it's not meant to be' or 'it's happend for a reason'

i'm starting to get sooo fed up, with people trying to justify...

 

[maybabydoll]

I think a lot of people end up saying insenstive things, becuase they just dont know what to say.

One (male) friend, who knew about my miscarriage, asked whether I had returned some DVDs he lent me "on the way home". Just to clarify this was on my way home from A&E! So no, funnily enough, I had a few other things on mind...

He's a good and old friend, but I feel this is simply outside of his realm of understanding...

 

[susan_1981]

I'm fed up with people keep saying to me "you're so young, you've got plenty of time to get pregnant". I lost my baby a year ago, I'm still trying with no luck. In fertility terms, I'm bloody well middle aged! And if I had a pound for everytime someone said that, I'd be able to afford to go privately for IVF!

 

[analyticalema]

My own mother in her 'know it all' way said the following things regarding the memorial we're having four our little baby Jesse next week.

"Why are you having roses they're too expensive and there isn't much point really is there?"

"Do you really need to do an order of service/keepsake card....it's not a real funeral!" I haven't done this before and I never want to again. I have been going off what the person from the hospital has said happens. He has been doing memorials and cremations for angel babies for over two years yet she seems to think she knows more...never having been through it herself!

and has continually told me that there is no need for any kind of fuss as "it's only a memorial"

I'm so f**king annoyed with her...my partner doesn't want her there and to be honest I don't see the point in her being there I think if she had it her way our baby would be buried in f**king shoe box in the back yard. I told her I didn't want her judgement I wanted her support and she's told my sister that she is livid and that I need to ring her to apologise for telling her that I think she's been insensitive!

 

[LeaArr]

I'm sorry your mother is not understanding and supportive of you during this time.

 

[WhosThatGirl]

People can really say cruel things. When I had my chemical in April my best friend told me "You have 3 kids already, maybe you should just be happy with that" and then a few weeks later she told me "It wasn't even planned (it was a surprise pregnancy) so get over it.. its not like you were trying".

 

[Jody R]

My own mother in her 'know it all' way said the following things regarding the memorial we're having four our little baby Jesse next week.

"Why are you having roses they're too expensive and there isn't much point really is there?"

"Do you really need to do an order of service/keepsake card....it's not a real funeral!" I haven't done this before and I never want to again. I have been going off what the person from the hospital has said happens. He has been doing memorials and cremations for angel babies for over two years yet she seems to think she knows more...never having been through it herself!

and has continually told me that there is no need for any kind of fuss as "it's only a memorial"

I'm so f**king annoyed with her...my partner doesn't want her there and to be honest I don't see the point in her being there I think if she had it her way our baby would be buried in f**king shoe box in the back yard. I told her I didn't want her judgement I wanted her support and she's told my sister that she is livid and that I need to ring her to apologise for telling her that I think she's been insensitive!

You know that you don't have to have her there at all if you feel that she will be insensitive on the day. Hopefully though the emotions of the day will get through to her and she will realise just how cruel and selfish she has been.

You have the flowers and cards that you feel you want to have because this is your baby's special day. Your mother sounds horribly like my brother who said we were throwing away money by taking flowers to our babies grave and that we were dragging out our unhappiness by going at all. If that's what he feels that's up to him but it's not his money or his feelings so I don't need his opinion either. And you don't need your mother's opinions and meaness.

You don't owe her an apology, she owes one to you. I'm so sorry she is causing you this pain.

 

[londonbird]

arg..I am having such a rough time atm and people keep being..insensitive to say the least

bad enough the whole mum saying I deserve it..unmarried, living in sin..bla bla..religious stuff

Now my sister saying shes jealous and cant help hating me because I've been pregnant twice...as if its better to have been pregnant ... I cant cope with the drama.. xmas is going to suck!!

 

[analyticalema]

Hi Londonbird,

Sorry your feeling rubbish, I'm sending you big squidgy hugs hugs!

I understand where you're coming from. I'm avoiding my family this Christmas. I think my family thrives on Drama...and I just don't. I'm usually the peacemaker but I just haven't got the patience. I'm taking time for us this year and maybe you could too, at the very least limit time with them! You have enough to deal with...as difficult as it is to do...you don't need their issues! The way I'm feeling, it's probably a good thing for them too...my hormones are all over the place and the part of my brain that controls my mouth tends to go on strike around them at the moment...I think it's had enough of taking it!
They don't get it and I've found that people that are so wrapped up in their own opinions and issues go deaf when you try to explain how you feel.

Thinking of you and I hope you feel better soon!
Here for you!

 

[KA92]

god some people are really insensitive

ive had a few

one from a girl at school (they were ALL told not to mnetion that i no longer had my tiny bump etc)
"So like you lost it yeah? What was it like? Was there pure loads of blood?"

One from the doctors this time round
"So you were on the pill but you got pregnant? Well that was stupid, your young ebough to have more kids older" (im 17 but i dont think age matters)

And ladies the classic...from my OH(ex now!)
"Well im kinda glad babe, cos i hated that child i dont wana give up my future and i dont think you do either"

to you all sorry for your losses

 

[Perdita]

I had to give birth at 34 weeks and it was traumatic enough but Evie was pushed into a corner when family came to see me and my sister wanted her taken out of the room before she came in. I understand why, it was a difficult time for her and she did so much for me, she went and bought some tiny clothes for her and offered to pay for the funeral if I wanted a burial but seeing that cot pushed into a corner haunts me know and I can't believe I let them do that. I've been lucky and everyone has said they are sorry for what's happened and wish they could say or do somthing to change it. A friend sent me a message saying she had cried when she heard but she respects me too much to trot out any cliches and to phone her if I needed anything. That I think was the right thing to say and it came from someone who had thought about the person I am, what would be the right thing to say to me rather than what might be right generally.

 

[Drazic<3]

A new one, a 'friend' of mine when talking about how I was going to buy a quinny off a girl at work (who she didn't even know!)

"Oh, she must have been gutted when she found out. She lost £60!"

 

[majm1241]

What not to say:

My boss told me today "It wasn't really a baby yet so it is not like you really miscarried!"

 

[Lincoln Girl]

my worst one at the moment- you can always try again!!!!!!

i wanted that one if you didnt already know that!!!!

 

[~curiosity~]

 

[Lincoln Girl]

just seen this one on another thread!!!

now you have a fresh start, at least that consolation prize... take care

some consolation prize it is!!!!!!! some people!!!

 

[sue247]

One from my wonderful caring mother

'were you taking medication that you should not have and killed it?'!! Like i would be that careless and stupid to do that and how inappropriate is that to even say such a thing - trying to blame to blame me!

 

[im_mi]

When i had my first loss, i didnt realise i was pregnant and went out on the beer. A friend of mine told me that i probably lost the baby because i got drunk nice.