Hi all,
I have visited this page so many times looking for hope when I need it most. I know it is an older blog, but I just really need to be able to talk about this with someone who understands what I am going through.
My husband and I have been married for just over 4 years and have never tried to prevent pregnancy. We weren't necessarily trying, but we weren't trying to prevent it either. Well, after 2 years of never getting pregnant, we decided to seek medical advice. My gyno totally checked me out and ran tests and said everything looks good. She then advised us to get my hubby checked, beginning with an SA. We got the results, which were...NO sperm. We were both completely shocked. My gyno then recommended us to a urologist. We went to him and he had him do another SA.....with the same results. Zero sperm. I of course immediately went online and found so much terrible information about this. We were both crushed, but I don't believe we really fully expressed our heartache to each other. I didn't want to make him feel any worse than he already did (even though it is NOT his fault) and I don't know that he really want to admit just how bad he felt. My husband had leukemia as a child, had radiation and chemo and was healed of it within a couple of months. The urologist pretty much just blamed it (azoospermia) on the leukemia and told us we should just either adopt or use a sperm donor...instead of even trying to look into it. It was as if he didn't even want to bother with us. Hearing that felt like he just ripped my heart out. We were NOT satisfied with that so we told my gyno about our experience and she apologized. I began reading about azoospermia and saw there are two kinds...obstructive and non obstructive. I, of course, hoped for the best and began looking up urologists with good reviews and found one, who at one point was mentioned on the show The Doctors, which we took as a great sign. We went for a consultation and brought all information we had so far. We talked to the urologist, who really seemed to know what he was doing/talking about and advised us that since my husband was so young when he had treatment, it shouldnt have affected him. He said if he had been older once things had already developed, maybe
but he really didnt believe it would be the culprit. He had us do another SA and it turns out
still zero sperm. He said he wanted to do a TB to look for sperm
then we would go from there. He mentioned the possibility of IVF and egg freezing, but didnt go into too much detail because he said he wanted to do the biopsy first. This was the summer of 2013. I called the office to get a biopsy schedule and they never answered or returned my call and I left several messages. I couldnt help but feel it was blocked for a reason. It is now March of 2015 and still no baby and no pregnancy. My sisters have had several children, friends have had several children and my husband and I are just sitting here waiting and wondering. We really havent had great experiences with urologists and I have read about reproductive endocrinologists and I just dont know which way we should turn. We want someone who will try everything possible, but havent had that yet. It is so devastating when we hear of a relative or friend getting pregnant. Dont get me wrong, I am thrilled for them because that is so exciting for them. But it is heartbreaking that we are still waiting. And then I feel so bad about getting upset that theyre pregnant but I just cant help it. I am a Christian and firmly believe God has perfect timing
which is honestly the reason we had just stopped pursuing help. But now that it has been over 4 years, I cant help but wonder if we are [supposed] to get help before we will get pregnant. Not that God cant do it because I know nothing is impossible for Him
but maybe this is just part of His plan..? I have read so many miraculous stories about couples in which the husband has azoo and they still end up getting pregnant. At times, I feel like all azoo wives can agree, you just cant help but wonder if it will ever happen. In the beginning, I used to be an avid poas girl
I mean every month. But the disappointment with each BFN never lessened with any of them so I finally stopped because I just couldnt take the heartache of seeing that negative. I would always hold it up to the light to make sure there wasnt a faint second line but there never was. After all of this time of [anxiously] waiting, I just feel so emotionally exhausted and finally decided to post this. For the most part, I can feel it in my bones it is only a matter of time
but then sometimes, it just feels so far from reality and that really hurts. I was 2 weeks late February and was almost convinced I was pg. It seemed like I was having so many symptoms and almost convinced myself of it but was too afraid to take a test and see a BFN
then literally the day I got in the car to drive to the store to buy a test, I couldnt even get to the main road because of a bad snow storm that was starting so I had to turn back around and go home. I went in to use the bathroom and sure enough
there was the dreaded AF. I have had slight but noticeable cramping since then and have been so tired (maybe Im simply not getting enough sleep but cant explain the cramping after a period because I have never done that before) so I decided to take a test anyway because I have heard of having bleeding like a period while pregnant and I just couldnt shake the feeling that I might be pg. BFN. I held it up to the light to check for that faint second line and it wasnt there. I took another test just to make sure the next day
another negative. I hadnt taken a test in almost 2 years so it took so much courage to do it again
and felt just as bad to see that one line as it used to. Over the years, we have purchased so much baby stuff so we have a room full of it...and some days, I just want to go in there and give it all away because it can be so hard see.
... your post brought tears to my eyes. I am very happy for you 
sounds like you have accepted the donor sperm route. I would tell your friends what you want others to know because friends talk. To others. So i would say be wise with who you choose to tell. Otherwise just tell them everything is all set to go so treatment starts in April. They don't have to know the details; just you are good to go.
