December 2013 Rainbow Babies

[Hopefulagain]

Krissy- It sounds like you really do have a great nurse. In hindsight the ultrasound was not a good idea...they should have just waited until next week. It doesn't matter how many stories I hear of other people's early ultrasounds showing nothing only to turn out fine in the end, I'm still going to be concerned until I see my baby.

 

[SugarBeth]

(((hugs)))) Hopeful. I hope you get news of your baby soon. I've been researching 6 week ultrasounds because I have one tomorrow. After last time, I'm just scared to see so early. Seems like in the 6th week, it's so incredibly varied that you can see nothing or you can see a heartbeat and it's all considered normal. But I understand how that's not much of a comfort, I know it won't be for me either if I don't see much. Rainbow babies are definitely different from pregnancies before losses!

 

[WantaBelly]

Oh Goodness, I just went to the restroom and even though I still knicker check all the time I wasn't expecting to see anything but I saw light pink on my tp...... I felt my heart sink and I know it doesn't mean anything right now but I'm just so scared of a repeat..........

 

[Hopefulagain]

Oh Goodness, I just went to the restroom and even though I still knicker check all the time I wasn't expecting to see anything but I saw light pink on my tp...... I felt my heart sink and I know it doesn't mean anything right now but I'm just so scared of a repeat..........

I am so sorry that you are now going through this too. That is exactly what happened to me yesterday...I checked (out of habit) but never thought I'd actually see anything. This spotting thing is beginning to sound quite common. Hugs to you . Just watch it and see if goes away that's what I'm hoping for. Today has been dark brown spotting as opposed to the pink of yesterday, it's light, but there.

 

[Starry Night]

Seriously....even with the girls I know in real life....those of us who have had miscarriages can't seem to go through a pregnancy without some spotting. We can't handle the extra stress! Then you see the girls who have never had losses act all indignant when people try to help them or take care of them or wonder why there are girls who worry or stress. They think pregnancy isn't a big deal. And I'm so jealous of them! I can't even do simple chores around the house. It's depressing to see a messy house and relaxation gets very boring after awhile.

Sorry for the rant. Feeling down today. Last night I dreamed I had my baby and I was so happy until, in my dream, my mom came up to me and said 'Don't be so happy. This is just a dream" and then I woke up. And I've had a lot of aches in my vaginal area. I know it can just be stretching but it also scares me that stuff is trying to get out.

 

[SugarBeth]

I get the same way, Starry. I'm jealous of most people's innocence of pregnancy, how they can be just blissfully happy and not worried. I wish I could be less afraid of getting too excited. I've been afraid to lift anything at all, to go up and down stairs too often, to walk too far or do too much. If I'm not in bed, I'm afraid of what I'm doing!

I find that I can't talk to those pregnant women who aren't sure they want to be pregnant and take for granted having a healthy pregnancy. It drives me nuts when people speak bad of the baby that's forming. Those who don't want babies seem to have them effortlessly. Those who so desperately want babies have a much harder time, it seems. I never had to deal with not wanting to talk to some people in due date groups before. I'm on another site and I'm not happy, as there's a bunch of women who are upset with their unplanned pregnancies and wish they weren't pregnant. Those women aren't the ones miscarrying, either.

 

[Hopefulagain]

Starry- I completely understand and agree with your thoughts. I was one of those "blissfully happy" women and now that seems like a lifetime ago. I assumed that I would be a bit fearful being PAL and all, but honestly, I was not prepared for this! The spotting has taken my "concern" to a whole 'nother level. I want to still be excited about my pregnancy but until I see my hcg levels double and see my baby in an ultrasound, I just can't shake the uncertainty that I feel. Lord, please let me make it one more week...please. This is seriously a one day at a time process.

 

[Kirs_t]

Girls - I just wanted to chime in because I feel exactly the same..... I wish I could experience the innocence of pregnancy. I dont even dare look in the 'first trimester' page... Even joining this thread feels scary and like I don't belong! You ladies are just beautiful- but I'm just scared to admit I'm even pregnant in case I lose it again!

My sister in law is pregnant with her third baby (all conceived first try with no loss) she can't understand why I don't dare to exercise, lift heavy things, why I need to rest so much, eat so carefully. But we have taken so long to even conceive our first child and then to lose it as well.... I just don't think I will be able to shake the uneasy feeling and fear until the little baby is in my arms and I am truly a mum!
Even this morning, we went to the shop and I'm back home panicking, as I helped lift some quite heavy furniture into her car... Ugh I wish I could trust my body more.

Hopeful- I know what you mean about waiting for the scan. I have 5 more days to go and I feel like the moments are just crawling by so slowly until then!

But hopefully as time goes on, we all become more confident and can take joy and excitement in each others precious babies as we grow together!

 

[lilrojo]

Hey all..

I know how hard it is not worry but you need to have faith that this time is meant to be.. keep faith that all will be okay.. easier said than done I know but it is a must I too have a innocent first pregnant.. got pregnant again when my dd was one and miscarried at 12 weeks.. got pregnant again to miscarry again at 5 weeks.. got pregnant the next month and now have my son..

I am now pregnant again after ttc for some time and using clomid.. dd was first try.. so frustrating.. but I have been spotting for over a week.. today was the first time I haven't seen blood at all.. so keep the faith.. Im hopeful my spotting was related to my progesterone suppositories im on due to the previous losses..

 

[Megan1986]

I have been do Mia. I have my first scan Monday. I should be 8 weeks. Very nauseous this time around...praying that is a good sign!

 

[elleff]

Hopeful - Its a good sign that your numbers are high! I have everything crossed for you that you see what you need to see at your next scan! We all feel the same, the worry is not over until our babies are here in our arms, then its a completely different kind of worry!! but at least we can see it! We're not trying to second guess whats going on inside us!

Krissy - That must have been scary!! Good luck for your scan!

Sugarbeth - I hope everything goes well at your scan!! You are so right, nothing is ever the same after a loss. I never thought I'd lose my last baby. Its just the kind of thing that happens to other people and when it happened to me I just couldnt believe it. It made me so angry that I knew from then on pregnancy would never be innocent for me again and why don't we deserve that?

Wantabelly - I'm so sorry! Are you going to get it checked out?

Starry - I had a baby dream last night too - I had a little girl and didnt have anything ready! tried to feed her crackers the day she was born as I forgot I was supposed to breast feed her, and changed her nappy and the nappy cream turned into oil and spilled all over her body! Then I went to the super market to get everything I needed and I couldnt find anything and then I couldnt remember where I had left the baby!! I woke up so stressed out! I think its just all our anxieties and insecurities creeping into our sleep...

Kirst - I am the same, I pay for an expensive gym membership and usually got 3-4 times a week, its a massive part of my life (and my husbands) but I havent been since I found out I was pregnant I just dont dare!!! I feel disgusting but then I'd rather have my baby!

 

[elleff]

Also ladies, something that has helped me quite a lot over the last few days - there are a lot of threads in the PAL forum just like this one but for previous months. I have been reading over those and the discussions start out just like ours about how worried they are, right up to when their rainbow babies are born!!
I want that to be us, then we can all come back to this thread in December and update with pics of our healthy little babies!!

 

[SugarBeth]

Ultrasound didn't go as I was hoping. I'm trying to keep calm (well, after I stopped crying for a half hour) and stay positive but it's going to be a very hard two weeks.

The ultrasound showed a yolk sac. The doctor started out asking if it was possible I'm only 3-4 weeks pregnant (it's not, I got my BFP over two weeks ago) and then said he might have found the baby, but wasn't sure. There definitely wasn't a heartbeat yet. He said not to get discouraged yet, but he also said that while I was miscarrying too, so I have a hard time putting faith in his comforting words. He said it's probably just really early, and hopefully we'll be able to see more in two weeks.

This just terrifies me. I guess it doesn't help that this is the same doctor, room, and machine they used last time when I was miscarrying. It's scary enough to look on that screen after having seen my dead baby on it once. I was so hoping for a heartbeat like everyone else seems to get at 6 weeks, but now we're not even sure about the baby itself.

 

[elleff]

I'm so sorry I honestly had no idea I'd see a hb at 6+3 because everything I've read says its usually 7 weeks, so please don't panic yet. I know how hard it is, I've been there. I cannot imagine the terror of facing this again but please try and stay positive. When are you getting your next scan?

 

[Hopefulagain]

Ultrasound didn't go as I was hoping. I'm trying to keep calm (well, after I stopped crying for a half hour) and stay positive but it's going to be a very hard two weeks.

The ultrasound showed a yolk sac. The doctor started out asking if it was possible I'm only 3-4 weeks pregnant (it's not, I got my BFP over two weeks ago) and then said he might have found the baby, but wasn't sure. There definitely wasn't a heartbeat yet. He said not to get discouraged yet, but he also said that while I was miscarrying too, so I have a hard time putting faith in his comforting words. He said it's probably just really early, and hopefully we'll be able to see more in two weeks.

This just terrifies me. I guess it doesn't help that this is the same doctor, room, and machine they used last time when I was miscarrying. It's scary enough to look on that screen after having seen my dead baby on it once. I was so hoping for a heartbeat like everyone else seems to get at 6 weeks, but now we're not even sure about the baby itself.

I am so very sorry that your ultrasound did not go as planned and was not able to give you the reassurance that you were hoping for. It is so disappointing and terrifying when stuff like this happens. There are quite a few of us who are suspended in some sort of waiting game and all we can do is give it over to God, the only One who is actually in control, because we are not. Not freaking out is now a full time job for me, but I am determined to stay positive and keep my faith in this baby being born full-term and healthy. I know the devastation that you are feeling but all is not yet lost. I'm hoping that these are all stories that others will read about later to inspire and give them hope.

 

[Hopefulagain]

This morning I went to the doctors' to give more blood for my second hcg level check. I was told that my numbers should at least double, so I am praying for good news tomorrow. I was telling her that my spotting has become very light and is dark brown in color. She told me that it's old blood, probably from Tuesdays' spotting, and they are not concerned about it at all unless it increases and turns dark red like a period.

 

[lilrojo]

So sorry to hear sugarbeth.. this is such a scary time for us all and it add to the hardness when things like this happen... keeping everything crossed its just too early

 

[elleff]

Hopeful, eagerly awaiting your results tomorrow! I wish you were on uk time then you could have them hours earlier!!!

 

[WantaBelly]

Sugarbeth- I have had 3 pregnancies where we did not see a heartbeat at 6 weeks, went back at 7 and there it was. A yolk sac is a good sign, that means its not a blighted ovum and the yolk sac has formed which contains all the nutrients your little one will need until the placenta takes over. You are in my prayers.

Hopeful- I know exactly how you feel right now, I'm praying you get doubled figures hun! Keep us posted.

elleff- no I didn't get it checked out, too scared to. It was just a slight bit of pink spotting and I haven't had anything since so I'm just praying it stays that way.

rojo- I didn't go check yet but did you add me to the December list? How are you feeling hun?

I got my secong HCG level today and it didn't double. My first at 4wks 6 days was 7815 and at 5 wks 1 day it was 13,085. Every calculator I have punched the #'s into says its a normal doubling rate because the #'s are higher than 1200 so I'm gonna go with that. No more blood draws and no appointment now until May 6th. I must find something to occupy my time. Maybe I will get started on my final exam study guides......... I'm just SO exhausted and every time I think about it I start to read and then fall asleep!

 

[SugarBeth]

Thanks girls! Your words are all so helpful. I knew when they scheduled me for this appointment that it was really early and I kept wishing it would be later because I knew this might happen. Still, I was so ready to see that heartbeat and to stop being scared of losing this baby. Not getting any reassurance today was just hard to face, but I'm starting to feel better. I've been saying this whole time that I'm going to be thankful every day I'm pregnant no matter how it ends, and today did confirm that right now I'm pregnant. Just going to keep thinking that baby is okay and will be perfect when I go back.

Next ultrasound is on May 6th, I should be 8 1/2 weeks by then so there shouldn't be any problem seeing what's going on by then.