HELP ME! - blood + urine

[mommyof5]

So because I have no one to talk to (my husband works so much) and my parents dont care about me, I just need someone to talk to. And this is the only place I feel like people understand and wont tell me I just need to stop trying. This maybe long so I dont blame you if you dont read it. I guess I just need to write it down, so I know that this baby mattered and that someone else will know about it, (since we didnt tell anyone) I need someone to know how much this baby was wanted. How when my husband stuck his hand on my stomach I felt the love we created growing inside me. How hopeful my husband was that this baby was going to be ok, he bought that stocking for the baby because he was so sure the baby was ok. My son begging for a little brother and us laughing thinking how either would be great. How we have waited for a year and 3 months for a baby to finally stick. After having our second baby die in our arms, that everything was going to be ok. How all of are heartbreak was finally over, even if it was going to be difficult to get through, we wanted this baby more than ever. And the baby did exist, even if we never saw it, it grew inside of me and I felt that short maternal love. After the miscarriage in august I just wanted to be pregnant again, but this time I dont, I want this baby back. I dont want another baby, I want this one that for some reason I felt so much more love for (not that I didnt love the last 2 babies that ended in miscarriage) I just really felt this love, that is how I knew I needed to test, my husband stuck his hand on my stomach on 11/12/11 before he fell asleep and I felt that love, the next morning that beautiful second pink line was there. I started bleeding and my husband lost hope, but after hearing my levels went up he was sure that this was going to be ok, he wanted me to go to the ER on 11/20/11 so that he could hear that the baby was ok. More than I feel bad for me, I feel bad that my husband got excited. He is the one who asked to have another baby, and he is the one that told me his gut feeling was that this baby would be ok, and that he wanted the baby to celebrate christmas with us even though it wasnt out of my womb yet. So I just wanted to write about this baby, because it has left more of an impact on my then the previous two. I love all my babies, but this one really took a part of my heart with him or her which I will never know. I pray to god that he be tender on my heart for it is breaking more and more, and I feel like I have been pushed to a point that I may not be able to recover from. I feel so guilty for not being able to carrying this baby. When I apologized to my husband for not being able to carry our baby for him he told me I did nothing wrong, I know I didnt do anything on purpose to cause this, however there is something wrong with me, there is no doubting that, and I feel sorry that I cant give my husband what he wants, and I am sorry for the babies that have died and pray that they were never in any pain or that they dont blame me, for if I knew this would be their fait I would have never tried to create them. More than anything though I am sorry I hurt my husband, I feel like I have let him down and I hate to see him hurt because of me. He talks about the hope he still has that we can have a baby, but I never want to hurt him again like I have. I am sorry I cant give my son the little brother he begs for, I am sorry I cant feel my babies move inside of me.

 

[baby05]

 

[bogos]

 

[TTCnum2]

I felt the same way when I had my MC in 2006... The 5 year anniversary just passed and it was just as hard for me as it was the year it happened... and I said to myself that I didnt to try for another one, I wanted THAT baby.... I even got a tattoo to remember my baby by.. It kills me that I never knew if it was a boy or a girl, while I sat in the ER that night my (now) husband took my hand looked me in the eyes and told me he never wanted to have children until he met me, and I fell to pieces at the thought of me not being able to give him that, even though I know he meant to comfort me by his remark... But in 2008 I got pregnant again, wasnt even trying, and now I have our beautiful son... I know you already have a child, and having another one wont change the hurt you are feeling either, but there is hope for you... What's meant to be will always be, you cannot blame yourself... And as for you feeling so bad for your husband... Your husband loves you weather or not you can give him another child, and though it may also hurt him that you both lost the baby, YOU didn't hurt him, it's important that you see that. What happened to BOTH of you hurts both of you. And please dont give up... I just know someday you'll have another baby, and when you do, it will be sent to you special from your other angels in heaven. I dont know if anything I've said makes 100% sense to you, or if hearing my story helps, But I hope it does... And I wish all the best for you in the future.

 

[nicole3108]

I'm so sorry lots of

 

[mommyof5]

I felt the same way when I had my MC in 2006... The 5 year anniversary just passed and it was just as hard for me as it was the year it happened... and I said to myself that I didnt to try for another one, I wanted THAT baby.... I even got a tattoo to remember my baby by.. It kills me that I never knew if it was a boy or a girl, while I sat in the ER that night my (now) husband took my hand looked me in the eyes and told me he never wanted to have children until he met me, and I fell to pieces at the thought of me not being able to give him that, even though I know he meant to comfort me by his remark... But in 2008 I got pregnant again, wasnt even trying, and now I have our beautiful son... I know you already have a child, and having another one wont change the hurt you are feeling either, but there is hope for you... What's meant to be will always be, you cannot blame yourself... And as for you feeling so bad for your husband... Your husband loves you weather or not you can give him another child, and though it may also hurt him that you both lost the baby, YOU didn't hurt him, it's important that you see that. What happened to BOTH of you hurts both of you. And please dont give up... I just know someday you'll have another baby, and when you do, it will be sent to you special from your other angels in heaven. I dont know if anything I've said makes 100% sense to you, or if hearing my story helps, But I hope it does... And I wish all the best for you in the future.

I know he loves me, he loves me so much. I think because our love is so strong, I cant stand to see him hurt. He doesnt let himself get excited or even hopeful when I get pregnant (because of all of our losses) which I understand. So when he bought that baby stocking it shocked me. He has never bought something for the baby I am carrying, after they are born he does but never until then.

 

[cckarting]

I'm so sorry momma. there is nothing anyone can say to make the hurt go away! I hope that the loving and encouraging words from these wonderful woman can help you find a little comfort. HUGGS

 

[holywoodmum]

Your husband is so lucky to have your for his wife to love him and care for him so much. I hope that writing it all down helped you to express how you are feeling
xx

 

[kissesandhugs]

We're all here for you whenever you need it!!!

 

[mommyof5]

I got my levels drawn again and they were 0, so I guess it is a good thing that I didnt need a d&c. The nurse told me that I just needed to wait and I explained to her that I waited almost a year between my first and second my miscarriage, then 3 months between number 2 and 3 miscarriage. She shut up after that because I was so rude, and I feel bad now, but I get tired of people telling me when I should have kids. Obviously waiting didnt do crap.

 

[bogos]

Im sorry hunnie, sounds like you are going through a rough time and just want to send you some hugs!