Life after Loss Support Group........All Welcome :)

[collie_crazy]

Oh Helen I hope everything is ok *hugs* I know how scary bleeding / spotting can be oneself pregnancy but it doesn't always mean bad things. Thinking of you xxx

Gemma I was off work for a total of 11 weeks after my loss. At 7 weeks I was in no way shape or form back to normal. And there was no way I could have went back to work. Although everyone does deal with things differently. There is no right or wrong time line for this *hugs*

Andrea *hugs* you know I don't want you to go but i understand why you feel you need to. Just please please know we are always here for you - you have been such a strength to me over the last 5 months and I don't know where I would be without you.

AFM: I posted our scan pic on facebook yesterday. I was absolutely terrified doing it but OH really wanted to tell people so I took a deep breath and went for it. I'm still so scared because it's 'out there' now and its making me a bit uneasy. I can't even properly explain why really

 

[Hellylou]

Thanks girls. Saw doc this morning and it's too early to have a scan at this point, so if it gets any worse, they could scan in a week's time. It really was very light - hardly what you would call bleeding, just a brown tinge to the CM, which hasn't been there until now. It seems a little less now, but I am checking like crazy at the moment. I am hoping that because of the timing it might be implantation or something. It certainly doesn't look at this point like what I experienced at 6-7 weeks last time. It just feels like the bubble burst a bit - I was thinking this time it would be easier on me with less worrying. I am trying to stay positive though. Fingers crossed that's it, and there wont be any more. I'm so glad I have you all.

I also rang to book in for my scan - GP wanted me seen earlier but when I spoke to the hospital they said they wouldn't see me before 12 weeks, but are going to check with someone on Monday to confirm. My previous history doesn't warrant it, apparently, even with GP requesting earlier scan. So basically I wait til 12 weeks before I know all is well, unless I get early bleeding...great. I may get a different answer on Monday, we'll see.

Amanda - your scan photo is lovely, and your words about the rainbow made me cry. (I may borrow those at some stage if all is well xxx) I can understand your unease about announcing it - it's out there now, and everyone knows, but I think this is your rainbow after the storm, and it will be a beautiful outcome this time.

 

[Andypanda6570]

Oh Helen I hope everything is ok *hugs* I know how scary bleeding / spotting can be oneself pregnancy but it doesn't always mean bad things. Thinking of you xxx

Gemma I was off work for a total of 11 weeks after my loss. At 7 weeks I was in no way shape or form back to normal. And there was no way I could have went back to work. Although everyone does deal with things differently. There is no right or wrong time line for this *hugs*

Andrea *hugs* you know I don't want you to go but i understand why you feel you need to. Just please please know we are always here for you - you have been such a strength to me over the last 5 months and I don't know where I would be without you.

AFM: I posted our scan pic on facebook yesterday. I was absolutely terrified doing it but OH really wanted to tell people so I took a deep breath and went for it. I'm still so scared because it's 'out there' now and its making me a bit uneasy. I can't even properly explain why really

I feel the same way, Amanda..

 

[jennijunni]

Hugs Helen, that is a bit scary, but I found with me, the more pregnancies I had the more likely I was to bleed in the beginning. I hope you are able to have some comfort, and peace. Lots of hugs!!!

Andrea, hugs!!

AFM, CD30 here, and I am pretty sure I O'ed, so I am 2 days late, and still have BFN's, so just waiting for my cycle to reset. I hope it does soon!! LOL!!

 

[kiki04]

I got you beat Jenni.. Im on cd60

 

[Bride2b]

Helen I had brown tinged cm for a bit at about 9 weeks or so then a bleed about 12 weeks (not loads but enough to worry - but it was very dark not bright red which is what they get concerned about) It could well be implantation. I'm so sure it will be fine. All I can say is f***ing NHS, if your doctor said you could get an early scan then that bloody well what you should have!!!! It makes me angry! Are they going to mark your notes with a sticker to signify a previous loss? Did you tell the hospital the circumstances? If they do know then I think they are pretty crap for not booking an earlier scan for you and that its quite insensitive! I hope you get an earlier one than 12 weeks as its nice to see the little one in there to ease the mind!

Amanda - yay for being brave about facebook! can you post the scan pic on here for us to see? I was never brave enough to do the whole facebook thing and banned everyone from saying anything on there. Luckily only close friends & family knew we were expecting so all the other 'friends' dont know. I feel a bit relieved about this but also really upset that many people dont know that my special little boy existed and I feel I have denied him an existance (even though most of the 'friends' are just people I know from school etc who I dont see).

xxx

 

[KamIAm]

Helen, I'm thinking about ya .. I know it's a lot easier said than done but try to remain positive and calm.. I know I'll be a nervous wreck when I conceive my rainbow ... Eek!! I hope to God you get a scan sooner than 12 weeks! Ugh! That's a LONG dang time

Andrea, I know 100% what you mean ... I'm feeling the same.... Just know YOU only know what's right for YOU.. As I always say.. You do what you need ... Always know you will always have a place to fall back on, if ever need be...

I have been having some thoughts and feelings lately... Since I went away on my vacation, and I wasn't plugged into BnB daily (I actually used to log in several times a day) ... I feel a bit different now, and differently about being on here... I feel better..... Like, REALLY better.... After I took some time away and stopped living with my loss and just living... Wow.... I see things and feel so differently, I honestly don't know how to explain it... Like the chains have been broken ... I am not JUST a woman who's daughter was born sleeping 9 and a half months ago... I am Kelly ...I am alive... I have 4 living children, a wonderful fiancee, amazing friends (lots on here) .. I go to college to be a nurse ... I love music (right now, I'm obsessed with Adele... I know, us American's are a bit behind LOL) ... I love shopping (YES! again)... I love to read (not just stories of death and grief) ... I love life again friends ... I will NEVER forget my Emma or ever try to, EVER... I will not ever stop doing things for her and in honor of her, I'll never stop visiting her lil grave at the cemetery, I"ll never stop planting a beautiful flower garden for her in my yard, I'll vow to never stop speaking of her and including her in our family .. (In fact, while driving the other day, my youngest son, who's 8, asked if we could please go see Emma." That made my heart smile... They still remember her! I used to take them out to the cemetery once a week to see her grave, I'd go about every day, but since we've been back from vacation I haven't taken the kids out, guess I thought if they asked I will but don't wanna shove death down their throats anymore like I was doing... But they noticed and wanted to go visit )

I am not sure if this even made sense... I just sat down and started my usual ramblings ...

I can't tell you enough how this forum..this section..with you amazing women have saved my life... Truly... I know if I didn't have this place to come to and vent, listen and just be surrounded by you all... I know I'd be in a very bad, dark place... Each and everyone of you was my lifeline .. And, I am not saying that lightly ...

I have decided to take a step back... not log in here everyday.... I of course will log in still to check in on you all... For those who have added me on facebook- you will certainly find me there daily ... If you want my email address, just private message me and I'll send it to ya cuz I would LOVE to remain in contact with you all ....

I am guessing this is my time, for now.... I know this journey is a rollercoaster ride and we'll see what tomorrow will hold... Until then.... Take care of each other, always be kind, when reading someone's rantings or venting and you disagree, always stop and think about that person and don't just pop off with your opinions-that person more than likely isn't thinking clearing and just needed to talk..

This isn't a permanent goodbye.... Just a wee bit of a break

Thank you all for everything!

I'll be back!!!

 

[kiki04]

Kelly Totally understand

 

[Hellylou]

Sounds like a we have a few of our ladies leaving lately, which makes me sad. I do totally understand, though. I can understand the need to get back to normality and the real world and heal. At one point I did wonder if this place was holding my recovery back, and perhaps keeping me focused on what went wrong, but I don't think it has, at least not at this stage. I get a lot of strength and comfort from knowing that I am not alone, and also it helps to be able to support others through this terrible process as they find themselves here. It doesn't, for me, keep my loss fresh in my mind. I think personally I have found a better state of mind outside of this place because I come here. It has helped me to balance.

Now that I have a rainbow growing, who I really hope is safe and well in there (the brown CM seems to have stopped now) I still feel the need to come here and share and see how everyone is, check their TTC or rainbow journeys, and share mine, but there may come a time when I feel differently too. I am really sad to see people leaving, but I do understand if this place has become something which is no longer a support, but is something of a reminder of the sad times. I am so glad to know I still have you on fb, Kelly, Mhairi, and Andrea. If anyone wants to add me on fb, just send me a pm. I would hate to lose touch.

 

[Tia30]

Hi all,


I've been hovering around reading other peoples comments since my loss on xmas eve... I am terribly afraid of becoming obsessed with pregnancy, having a baby, or not having one, as the case may be. I don't really talk about how I feel with anyone now, although it is just short of 3 weeks since my baby was born. It's as if everyone has forgotten except me and I know I am currently in denial about it. It would have been my 20 week scan yesterday which was horrible although the only one who knew was my partner, didn't remind my mam as it was also her birthday yesterday so didn't want to put a downer of the celebration, kind of similar to how I felt on xmas day when I got released from the hospital. I still went to the family xmas dinner, there were 16 of us in total.

I have gone back to work, went back last week (Thursday) it's the only thing I leave the house for at the moment. I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to be feeling about any of this, I just didn't expect this to happen, I guess no one does.

A lady comes to my project and volunteers her service (massage therapy) and for some reason my co-workers said I should have one as a client had cancelled. I told her what had happened, two losses in December, she massaged me, and I was telling her how fine I was, how maybe I'm a freak etc, she explained to me during the massage that they tend to bring out how you actually are - physically and emotionally. When she finished I actually looked exhausted and I felt like I was going to pass out. I think perhaps I have gone back to work too soon and am running away from these feelings, because I know they are there, very mixed up ones too - a lot of guilt and regret as well as pain.

We are TTC again but it is way too soon (I know that) but a part of me just doesn't care at the moment, I just need to be pregnant again.

 

[feeble]

Hey sweetie x

I had that need to be pregnant too , it did pass , before I fell pregnant

Give yourself time, it's still so early but I totally understand wanting to TTc again, I was the same, became obsessed with it, spent a fortune on special lube and opk's and fell pregnant on my first cycle!

Oh just decided I was mental.

Hugs xx and so sorry for your loss x

 

[jennijunni]

hugs tia30. I am so sorry for your loss. Just make sure you take time to heal, and grieve. If not it will come anyway, and it will knock you down. Please make sure to take care of yourself. Hugs!! I also had a very intense need to get pregnant again. We did 2 cycles later, and we lost that baby too at 15 weeks, but that pregnancy did heal my heart. This time around, while I am excited to be pregnant, it is not as strong as it was with my son. Lots of hugs to you!!!

 

[Bride2b]

Tia, I too know what you mean about the desperate need to be pregnant! I think its a very natural response! I think a new pregnancy will give us something to focus on, instead of thinking I should be 'x' amount of weeks pregnant! I know that tomorrow I'd be 26 weeks it makes me really sad thinking of that as there is nothing more in the world I want than to be 26 weeks pregnant with my baby I lost. A new pregnancy would mean focussing on that new pregnancy, not replacing the lost one but I think it will make me stop counting the weeks!
I should have been 30 weeks pregnant for my best friends hen do in Dublin...I couldnt go as I wouldnt probably have been able to fly & being 30 weeks pregnant in bars/pubs etc doesnt really sit comfortably with me. Now I am no longer pregnant I have chosen not to go on the hen weekend, as to me I shouldnt be there & would only be there because my baby died. I know that weekend is going to be hell for me staying at home but it would be hell if I went! By her wedding I should have been 37 weeks pregnant! We had to take my bridesmaid dress back & get a smaller one as I'll have no bump to fill it. I think the rest of the journey up to the due date is going to be scattered with painful reminders of what could have been. I am DESPERATE to be pregnant again. I have to wait until next cycle (mid-end Feb) to try as I am getting married in July & my dress wont fit if I get pregnant this cycle (think I pushing it next cycle but fuck it!!). We did nothing to not get pregnant before my AF arrived after my loss as I just wanted to be pregnant again...it didnt happen but maybe thats a good thing. Just got to make sure we are a bit careful this month, but am now taking prenatals to get my body in shape for pregnancy!

As far as the 'dealing' with stuff goes, just go steady on yourself, if in your heart you are strong enough to be at work etc then that is fab - I wish I had your strength. I worry that maybe the pain will come to bite you on the arse at some point! (Dont want to worry you or anything, just be aware ).

Oh shit I rambled on again!!!!!

 

[Hellylou]

Hi Tia,

Welcome, and I am so sorry for your loss. It is so soon for you. You sound like a very strong lady. Everyone is different, so don't worry about how you should or shouldn't be feeling - just allow yourself to feel what you need to feel.

The need to be pregnant again is overwhelming after a loss. I felt it the very next day. I just knew that the only thing that would fix my pain was to be pregnant again. I was told to wait 3 months, which I did, and I am glad I did. During those 3 months I made sure I built my body back up to health again, physically and emotionally. I realised that what I really wanted in those early days was to erase everything that had happened, and being pregnant would achieve that. I know now that I needed to allow myself to grieve for the one I lost, because this new pregnancy, this new baby would not be the baby I lost - I would never get him back. I needed to fully accept that and let him go before I was truly ready to try again.

I hope that makes sense. I am sure medical professionals will advise you on when the right time to try again is for you. Be kind on yourself. We are here to listen

 

[ericacaca]

Oh Tia, I'm really sorry. I know the feeling about not being happy until I was pregnant again. Both me and hubby said that. But then I realised all the things I could do when I wasnt pregnant - like do a summer camp we really wanted to help out at, go to theme parks, drink wine when I wanted, be able to take ibuprofen and other medicines without worrying. And I know that doesnt help the longing of wanting to be pregnant again - but it did help me get through it. We were very lucky, we lost Eve in March and we decided to try again after 5 cycles in August just to make sure body was back to normal - September cycle I was pregnant! I'm not saying this to gloat - I'm saying this to encourage you that there is light at the end of the tunnel and YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT!

xxx

 

[ericacaca]

AFM - yesterday's midwife appointment went really well. She asked me whether I was feeling baby move and I said I thought so but didnt want to say for sure until we heard heart beat. Midwife asked me where I was feeling it the most and I said the middle - she said that maybe it was wind.... but she checked with the doppler and started in the middle of my belly and THE HEARTBEAT WAS THERE!

You have no idea how relieved we are! The last time a doppler was on me before that it was the worst possible outcome, it was just so nice for something good to be heard.

I'm seeing a consultant in February at 23 weeks - because of the post-partum hemouragge I had when we lost Eve. And I've been referred to a physio for my back! Hope they'll be of some help - its getting better, but its still a pain! So at least I'm being looked after!

Hope you're all ok

Love and hugs

Erica xxx

 

[Nikki_d72]

Wow, I've a lot to catch up on! Apologies now if I miss anyone!

Kelly, gonna miss you hon but fully understand, I think I undid some of the strings a bit at Christmas too through forced withdrawal! I do know what you mean and I know what you mean about not wanting to just be defined by your loss, you are more than that, you are a whole multi-dimensional person and restricting yourself to your grief won't do yourself justice, or your family. I'm gonna PM you my details though, I'd really hate it if we lost touch permanently, you have been such a light in my life these past 5 months, I genuinely don't think I'd have got to where I am now without your support - thank you. I was just thinking last night that the problem with this site is, you make friends or someone touches you, then they can dissapear and you always wonder about them - you can't just go knock on their door and check they are OK, they can dissapear without a trace, it's a shame. Then I come on in the morning and see your post! I do understand though, I'm not putting the guilties on you, but I do want to get contact details from you, I would so hate to lose your friendship.

Helen, so glad the brown CM has stopped, I hope it hasn't burst your bubble hon and you can still be positive about this little rainbow - I've read lots of accounts of IB at your stage, they are still snuggling in. I do think it's crap that the NHS aren't wanting to give you an extra scan for reassurance, that's so crap - I hope your doctor overrides them. and you get to see your wee bean soon to put your mind at ease.

Tia, it saddens me to welcome anyone new here but glad you found us. I'm so sorry for your loss. What you are feeling is completely normal, it's a deep primeval urge, I think to be pregnant again. I also hope you allow yourself to grieve, if you push your emotions to one side too long they do tend to come back and bite you in the butt somehow, and often in other ways. I have also pushed my emotions away for periods of time and it has always led to meltdowns at unexpected and inconvenient times! I was off work for 6 weeks and was still very shaky when I went back, I'm only now feeling more confident over 5 months later - please don't expect too much from yourself hon, though we are all different I know.

Erica - Yay for getting the heartbeat! That's so good to hear! I'm glad you are getting treatment for your back too.

Not much to report here - I'm feeling really really sad again just now and I've no idea why. I had a meltdown yesterday evening in bed and I was getting visions and flashbacks all day when I was just going about my business. Who knows, I'm sure it will pass. I'm on CD17, possibly 5 or 6DPO, so a while to wait. We saw a huge rainbow over the house a couple of days ago and we don't get many here as we don't get much rain so hoping it's our sign. xxx

 

[jojo23]

tia im so sorry for your loss hun!!

erica im so please for you pet it must have been amazing to hear that lovely heartbeat!

Kelly i totally understand the need to take a step back for a while, your a tower of strength and you have been a constant rock to so many of us on this forum. i can only say thank you from the bottom of my heart for the times ive felt hopeless and like a mad woman and you have always been there with kind words or advice or even a funny story to pull me back!! thank you always xxxx

AFM.. well girls all along with this pregnancy ive been ok, just not thinking much about anything bad happening but tonight and this morning it hit me like a ton of bricks. im terrified! i have a knot in my tummy and i just cant help but think something is wrong and when i go for my 20 week scan it will be bad news!!! im 17 weeks atm and just wish i could feel little kicks or something to reassure me.... the other double whammy is my 20 week scan is exactly a year to the day i delivered Lily... the 16th of feb!! i dont know if i should change it or not. i mean if anything is wrong it will just be devastating in more ways than one and yet i feel its almost a good sign! i just dont know.... sorry for rambling on just lying in bed feeling like a complete lunatic lol and if im honest feeling utterly lost xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Bride2b]

Jojo, being fearful is all too normal If Lilys birthday wasnt approaching maybe you would feel less stressed about it all. Its a big deal, but coupled with that the 20 week scan is a big deal too! Thats two big events hun so no wonder your nerves are shot to pieces!
Is there a way of speaking to your mw about getting an earlier scan? If you have previous history they may be willing to do one earlier to ease your mind. I know in the same breath they may not as they will probably think everything is ok - and why wouldnt it be? Have you started to feel bubba move? Is your bump progressing? If there are little flutters (may be too early) and if you little bump is getting a bit bigger I am sure things are fine, its only natural to worry, I know I'll be a wreck when my time comes! Failing that could you get a private scan (if you can afford it?), if I was that terrified I'd find it somehow to pay for one.

I am sure you just need reassurance that everything will be ok! I am sure you would give advice to someone else on here that is worried, and that advice would be that they should not panic & that everything will be ok. xxxx

 

[jennijunni]

Jojo, I know just how you feel. The anxiety, the fear, but everything will be fine. I know how tough it is. We are thinking of you and the baby!! Lots of hugs, and prayers!!