Life after Loss Support Group........All Welcome :)

[OliveBay]

as.strong.as, thanks for explaining about ttts - I've never heard of it before. I'm so sorry for your beautiful little boys

Bentlee, welcome here, I'm so sorry that yet another person has to go through this, but I hope we can help you through this

Helen, I am keeping my all my fingers and toes crossed that everything is ok at your scan tomorrow. I know you'll let us know how it goes and I will be frantically checking here for updates. I've never heard of distance healing with reiki - how does that work? I'm very intrigued and perhaps tempted to take you up on your offer!

Kelly9 and everyone else who commented on people calling what happened to us a 'miscarriage' - I am totally with you all. I absolutely don't consider that I had a miscarriage, I just had to give birth to my baby early as he had passed away. He was a fully formed, perfect little man, much bigger than I had expected, with all his fingers and toes, beautiful little eyelids and cute little nose. I totally have to bite my tongue when people liken it to an early loss, as it is nowhere near the same thing, and think this will always make me angry. I can almost forgive people who have never had children for thinking this, as maybe they just don't know what happens at different stages of pregnancy and have never heard anything about second tri loss. But I've recently found out that one of my friends who has a child herself has likened the loss of my baby to some personal difficulties she had herself and I just can't believe she thinks they are even comparable. If it wasn't you all of you ladies, I would sometimes drive myself mad thinking that no-one else in the world truly understands what this loss has been like. I'm sorry that such sad events have brought us all here but glad I've found you all

PS am around 7dpo now, the countdown to poas madness has started! No symmtoms yet, but I've never noticed anything this early anyway. Andrea, maybe your tired achy thing could be a symptom....?!

Big love to everyone else

 

[winterwonder]

Evening girls,

I remember my Mil pointing out that my Sil had had a miscarriage at 9 weeks at some point after i lost bud, and all i could think of was seriously, it really isn't the same thing, and now having had a miscarriage at 8 weeks, yes it sucks,and is devastating especially if you had all your hopes and dreams pinned on it but it is definitely not the same.

just my opinion!

love you all xxx

 

[as.strong.as]

Hi they both had there own sacks but shared the one placentae x

 

[Nikki_d72]

Hi they both had there own sacks but shared the one placentae x

This might not be your thing, but I got my boys' placenta back and put it in a big ceramic pot outside the front door and planted a camelia bush in it, as it flowers around the time they were born, I've underplanted it with snowdrops too as they were in bloom also at that time and my DD picked them for the tiny posies she made each of them for their cremation, they are so apt. I'd like to get a plaque made with the poem "snowdrops" on it and put it in the pot too. It's nice to have something here with me that was part of both of them, and that can (hopefully) help sustain new life in the plants. It means if we ever move we can take it and is something I see everyday to remember them by. Just thought I'd share that with you, making a memorial can be very therapeautic. I wasn't in the form to do it for ages, the placenta lived in my freezer for quite a while till I was ready. xxx

 

[Hellylou]

Interesting debate about the miscarriage thing...

The other week I saw a colleague and friend who I hadn't seen since my loss (never in the same place at the same time), and we were talking and I told her a few details about what happened. Halfway through she stopped me and said "wait a minute, I thought you had a miscarriage!" I had to tell her, yes, that's the medical term for it at this stage. She said "I thought it was like a bad period or something - you had a stillbirth!". She was horrified, so much more upset, and amazed I'd gone back to work after only 4 weeks after suffering that. She just had no idea what it meant, and people use the term miscarriage right up to when the baby would be 'viable', I think?

Sometimes just a few details are enough to make people stop using the term miscarriage. My colleague was furious that the email that had gone round about me losing the baby gave no indication of what had really gone on. I mean, I would never have wanted them to give any details, obviously, but I do think different terminology would let people know the utter trauma of a 2nd trimester loss.

 

[Nikki_d72]

Interesting debate about the miscarriage thing...

The other week I saw a colleague and friend who I hadn't seen since my loss (never in the same place at the same time), and we were talking and I told her a few details about what happened. Halfway through she stopped me and said "wait a minute, I thought you had a miscarriage!" I had to tell her, yes, that's the medical term for it at this stage. She said "I thought it was like a bad period or something - you had a stillbirth!". She was horrified, so much more upset, and amazed I'd gone back to work after only 4 weeks after suffering that. She just had no idea what it meant, and people use the term miscarriage right up to when the baby would be 'viable', I think?

Sometimes just a few details are enough to make people stop using the term miscarriage. My colleague was furious that the email that had gone round about me losing the baby gave no indication of what had really gone on. I mean, I would never have wanted them to give any details, obviously, but I do think different terminology would let people know the utter trauma of a 2nd trimester loss.

I think that's it exactly, Helen - it's the terminology that throws people off and it's usually just lack of understanding on their part. In the main I'd say it's not bad-mindedness that causes it and most folk will be horrified when they find out the truth.

I swing between wanting people to know and acknowledge what happened and sort fo protecting folk from the truth, you know? What you know you can't un-know sort of thing. It depends who it is I'm talking to really. I think for me now the best thing to say is that they were born too early to survive at only 5 months, which for me is the truth. It lets people know they were born and that's the reason they died, which it is, without having to go into details. I know that doesn't fit with everyone's situation though. I had to think of a concise way of saying it as I was being asked so bloody often if I'd had my baby, when I was at work. I got it again just a few days ago - I thought I was past it now. A lady came in, peered over the bartop at my belly and said "well, baby number 2??" I couldn't even reply, it caught me so off guard, I just looked at her and shook my head frantically. She must have realised what I meant and just said she was really sorry. She stayed with her friends till closing, I was a bit of a shaky mess, we never spoke about it - she probably thought I wouldn't want to given my ridiculous response, I felt so stupid, I just wasn't ready for it.

 

[jennijunni]

I agree with all of you. I have had an early loss at 6-7 weeks, I was devastated, but I healed quickly, and while it was a sad time for me, it was nothing compared to my 2 second trimester losses, Judahs especially. I held him, and put his tiny hand on my finger, and touched and looked at his little toes, and fingers. He was perfect, a perfect little baby. I almost died when I had him. when I tell people that they still dont understand. I literally almost bled to death and have blood transfusions, had to have emergency surgery, and lost half of my blood volume. It was the most traumatic thing I have ever been through. And all I can think about is holding him in my hands in the bathroom, and looking at him and sobbing. That was not a miscarriage, that was birth, that was life and death, that was a baby who I loved, and looked at in amazement like I would any of my other children. My second 2nd trimester loss at 15 weeks was not as traumatic, but also in a way more traumatic in a way, because I was in pregnancy bliss, and was shocked that it was happening again. But I chose to have a D&E, and I think it helped with the coping a bit more. But I will never forget those sweet spirits that moved, and wriggled, and were a part of me, and who I looked at and held, and admired. I really wish people understood the difference, and understood the pain, and suffering. It is like no other. Hugs mamas!!

 

[Kelly9]

I'm glad it's not just me then. I think medically they refer to it as an mc here to but I promptly corrected each and everyone of them and said what I went through was not an MC I delivered a fully formed baby. I refer to it as still birth. Medically they say it's stillbirth at 20 weeks here but I was close enough. I went through the same that someone 20 weeks would have to deliver the baby. It just gets me so mad/upset to hear it referred to that way like I had a bad period etc.

I didn't get hand and foot prints though I think they were suppose to do them. I do have a lot of keep sakes but nothing compared to having my actual baby girl.

 

[Bride2b]

Ah, it's precious metal clay. Wow, what a brilliant thing you did, getting casts made! It's the photo or print thing I'm wondering about, as it's too late for me to do what you did. Thanks for the link, I'll look it up now. xx

ETA: I see it's s special putty they use to take the impressions then cast them from there, not PMC. What a great site she's created. Better not ask about her technology, she'll think I'm going to rip off her idea! I'd just like the footprints put onto sheet so I can do my own thing with it from there, I could contact them to ask about this. Thanks again for the link!

I've no idea how they transfer prints on paper to the silver,it's very clever though,I think I read that they developed the technology for circumstances like ours where we get prints from the hospital on paper but where it's too late to get impressions done. Im sure google has the answer! I know there are lots of different companies doing the clay type like my friend does,I think the link that I posted allows people to become trained in doing the prints & supply people with the means to make a business out of it.

I was terrified my prints from the hospital might get ruined & is the only thing I had,I didn't keep the blanket or anything (I wish I had now) but at the time I didn't feel it was his so couldn't see why I would want it. Anyway I wanted something tangiable that I could hold & touch,not sure where I got the idea but I was laying in bed 2 days after trying to think of how I can keep him 'real' & I remember my friend makes silver jewelery from finger prints etc so gave her a call. She even came to the hospital to help do it....that's what I call a friend,no amount of flowers could ever thank her for doing it for me,it's the most previous thing I own.

You should definitely look into sending the scanned copies to get them made into charms etc as its the exact print.

Helen- good luck again xxx let us know how you get on zx

WOW what a debate about the mc thing! At my work the policy is that you get maternity leave if your baby is stillborn after 24 weeks,it pisses me off that before 24 weeks you can still have a stillborn & will have the same physical & emotional experiences but you don't qualify. I know that a baby is viable after 24 weeks so that is why & i guess there has to be a cut off point,but birthing a baby at 19,20 etc weeks & not taking it home is in my opinion just as awful

Xxxx

 

[Andypanda6570]

I lost Ava at 20 weeks ( I gave birth to her) and they called it Fetal Demise To me she was a loss not a miscarriage . I always feel like if I kept her in for 4 or 5 more weeks she would have had a chance, I know that is silly

I think a loss is a loss and I know it may not be the same for people under 12 weeks, but they still feel our pain it is the same. So I could never minimize anyones pain and say oh my loss was at 20 weeks yours at 8 so it isn't the same, i just couldn't do that. I know for me seeing Ava killed me. My SIL never saw her baby she didn't want to and she has come along better than me, she is fine now. But for me I had to see Ava and I had to feel her so she could know how much I love her. I will never regret holding her and burying her and going to see her so much. My SIL said to me I didn't want the drama of a burial I could not believe she said that to me, but that is her way she doesn't realize her words are hurtful and so inappropriate, she has always been like that so i don't get that upset over her comments. I just said I thank God everyday i have somewhere to go and talk to my daughter, then I ended it at that..

Just a long hard lonely road and it sucks when nobody understands ..
XOOXO

 

[Hellylou]

Just to update - scan today showed heartbeat and everything looked fine. Very relieved, although they did find a small fibroid (14mm) in wall of uterus, which has me a little concerned. They don't seem to think it's a problem though. Still, good news overall.

 

[Andypanda6570]

Just to update - scan today showed heartbeat and everything looked fine. Very relieved, although they did find a small fibroid (14mm) in wall of uterus, which has me a little concerned. They don't seem to think it's a problem though. Still, good news overall.

SOoooo happy to read this, Helen!!! Good news! What did they say about the fibroid? I would not worry over that , but did they say anything about it?

Wishing you all the best..XOXOXO

 

[Hellylou]

Just that it's there - I saw it on the scan. They are benign, but she said given the size of it it's nothing to be concerned about, she just has to report it. They will keep an eye on it. I decided to be silly and start reading about them and scared myself with stories of premature labour, but I think those cases are more severe and much larger than the one I have. It wasn't even found last time I had scans after losing Thomas, so it must be very recent, and it is tiny. I've been reading of women having them the size of baseballs, or grapefruits and still having healthy pregnancies, so I'm not really that worried. I would just rather not have known about it!

 

[Andypanda6570]

Just that it's there - I saw it on the scan. They are benign, but she said given the size of it it's nothing to be concerned about, she just has to report it. They will keep an eye on it. I decided to be silly and start reading about them and scared myself with stories of premature labour, but I think those cases are more severe and much larger than the one I have. It wasn't even found last time I had scans after losing Thomas, so it must be very recent, and it is tiny. I've been reading of women having them the size of baseballs, or grapefruits and still having healthy pregnancies, so I'm not really that worried. I would just rather not have known about it!

Well that is good to hear. i would not worry over it either, I am sure you have enough emotions not to bother with something like this. I am so very happy for you and things will be wonderful for you. Thanks for updating, I love reading that everyones pregnancy is going well.. It gives me hope..XOOX

 

[Bride2b]

Just to update - scan today showed heartbeat and everything looked fine. Very relieved, although they did find a small fibroid (14mm) in wall of uterus, which has me a little concerned. They don't seem to think it's a problem though. Still, good news overall.

Woop Woop - great news about lil heartbeat , if they are not worried about fibroid then you shouldnt. (I watched maternity ward on Really the other day and this woman had fibroids larger than the babys head! yukky! and she & baby were fine!)

Fab news xxxx

 

[winterwonder]

Just to update - scan today showed heartbeat and everything looked fine. Very relieved, although they did find a small fibroid (14mm) in wall of uterus, which has me a little concerned. They don't seem to think it's a problem though. Still, good news overall.

Oh Yay! I'm so happy for you!

 

[Hellylou]

Just to update - scan today showed heartbeat and everything looked fine. Very relieved, although they did find a small fibroid (14mm) in wall of uterus, which has me a little concerned. They don't seem to think it's a problem though. Still, good news overall.

Oh Yay! I'm so happy for you!

Thanks Christine. How are you doing, hun?

 

[Bride2b]

Maybe something to do with imprints on the heart? I'm sure there's a poem something about that somewhere, it might be about footprints but you could adapt it - maybe there's a line you could use? I'm thinking there won't be much space on the back but a good hand-engraver can do amazing things.

Well I've searched for a poem...., I can seem to find anything fitting. All I want is to steal a line or two! Some of the poems just bring back too many emotions. I think I will just have it engraved with 'Lots of love....' or something.

I feel I have taken a few steps back today. I think because I've had a few relatively good days. This always happens when I have some good days, I end up having some real awful ones, its almost like a punishment for trying to move on!
I should be OVing today/tomorrow if my cycles are the same. I poas yesterday & today but nothing yet. I am now trying to convince myself that whats the point in waiting until next month. I feel like I just want to go for it this month as feel so shitty about everything that I hope if I was to get a BFP in a few weeks it might make life more bareable.
I cant imagine I'd fall pg anyway. I wanted to follow smep & dont have fertile cm (but that probably as I'm not OVing) but I would have thought it would have started to change ready for being fertile. Sorry TMI!
At the same time I then think about THE DRESS!

What should I do, shall I leave nature to decide? x

 

[kiki04]

Helen!!! What a relief hun!!! So happy for you...

Bride Follow your heart. If you dont want to wait then go for it and alter your dress. If you choose to wait it isnt that far away either

 

[winterwonder]

Just to update - scan today showed heartbeat and everything looked fine. Very relieved, although they did find a small fibroid (14mm) in wall of uterus, which has me a little concerned. They don't seem to think it's a problem though. Still, good news overall.

Oh Yay! I'm so happy for you!

Thanks Christine. How are you doing, hun?

I'm doing ok, just inpatient really to be pregnant again, but i want to definitely wait til end of march, so i can sort myself out physically and emotionally. I just feel like i've become obsessed with babies (one born every minute is not helping) and i feel like all i do is talk about babies with my oh and i'm sure its not what i need right now, so i'm just going to try and save my baby conversations for on here, i think!

I'm so glad you were able to have a scan of your lil bean, when are due?