Life after Loss Support Group........All Welcome :)

[Kelly9]

Glad the scans went well.

 

[Kelly9]

Ugh, so 5 weeks to the day I lost Hannah and the witch shows. I did ovulate on valentines days but was confused cause my temps spiked for a day then started to fall but then when I got my period it all clicked, my lp coming off my first cycle with my son was 4 days this one was 3, I've never gone over a 37 day cycle today was cd36 so it makes sense, my lining sheds around the mid 30's no matter if I've ovulate or not. I won't know 100% that its the witch till tomorrow but I am fairly certain the bleeding is bright red and fresh and I was getting some streaks in my cm the last day or so. I'll also be starting my clomid to keep my cycles shorter so I can call into the fertility clinic sooner.

So if I noticed the bleeding tonight at 9pm would today still be cd1 or would tomorrow technically? I seem to remember reading something about making cd1 the next day if it started after dinner time?

 

[Hellylou]

Hi Kelly, sorry about witch showing, although I think in some ways there is comfort to be had, in knowing your body is getting back to normal, but I know how horrible and sad that first AF feels.

Not sure about timing for first day of cycle - I always thought the spotting part was ignored, and the first day you see full flow is day 1. That was my thinking anyway. I had terrible cycles for years and never had a clue where I was, so all of that went out of the window for me. It was strange but my cycles went completely regular after my loss so I could actually track properly.

 

[dancareoi]

I am still waiting for first AF after my loss 5 weeks ago. i think it will be next thurs or friday due to some tell tale signs.

Over the years i have come to know exactly how my body works and what to look out for.

My AF cycle used to be all over the place. However I have noticed as I have got older my cycle has become shorter and more regular.

I think this is because I am now 40 and my egg quality is going down hill, therefore takes less time to mature so get released earlier.

This may be why I lot my LO.

 

[Bride2b]

I would say if its full on AF count it as day one. My af showed in the afternoon, so I counted that as CD1 as had to put it into FF.

Its horrible having your first one as I felt like the pregnancy was truely over....I'm not sure that makes sense, I also felt a sense of relief that I was one step closer to trying again!

How is everyone?

Lisa - how'd things go with your OH?
Britney - hows smep going? what CD are you on?
Nikki? How many dpo are you now?
Krissy - are you still lingering? How things going?
Andrea - are you ok? have you decided to ttc again?

Hope all our rainbow ladies are well, Sally, Helen, Jo, Mhairi, Amanda.

Sorry if I missed anyone xx

 

[dancareoi]

I would say if its full on AF count it as day one. My af showed in the afternoon, so I counted that as CD1 as had to put it into FF.

Its horrible having your first one as I felt like the pregnancy was truely over....I'm not sure that makes sense, I also felt a sense of relief that I was one step closer to trying again!

How is everyone?

Lisa - how'd things go with your OH?
Britney - hows smep going? what CD are you on?
Nikki? How many dpo are you now?
Krissy - are you still lingering? How things going?
Andrea - are you ok? have you decided to ttc again?

Hope all our rainbow ladies are well, Sally, Helen, Jo, Mhairi, Amanda.

Sorry if I missed anyone xx

Hi Gemma(?) we had a chat on Fri 10th feb. He doesn`t know what we should do, he is worried we could lose another, or his biggest worry, there could be something wrong with it. He feels it is too soon to decide and he won`t be rushed!
We finished the conversation by him asking if it would make me happy if we were TTC, I answered yes.
We haven`t spoken about it since, but the torment of it is killing me. I will have to bring it up again soon, I need to know. Especially as i want to TTC ASAP!
Having a bad day again today, just sat on a bag of laundry in the utility room crying my eyes out!
How are you doing?
Lisa

 

[Kelly9]

I'm counting today as cd1 since it started so late last night. It's light flow but more then spotting. Did anyone else have a light first period? I'm wondering if it's light cause I only stopped pp bleeding about two weeks ago? Normally it would get heavier for me but it's about the same.

Bride I understand what you mean and that's how I feel.

 

[Bride2b]

I think at least he hasnt said no. Do you chart ovulation/temps? Maybe its an idea if you do to let him know when your fertile time is about to happen. Say something like, "I've been keeping track of my body & it looks like I will OV in 3 days, I want to TTC, do you feel ready?" ..... or something like that. The chances of it happening again are so slim. I guess he is just scared. I would probably take control and be very open about when your most fertile so it puts it in the forefront of his mind.

You are going to have really really crap days, I've had so many of them. Some days it just felt like nothing else matters, and all I wanted to do was cry, then you feel sos shattered and more emotional because you are tired. Its such a vicious cycle. Its shitty but its just going to be like this for a while, fighting the grief doesnt help in the long run.

I'm ok, just trying to 'relax' and allow the reflexology I have been having to work. I just want to get my mind, body & emotions into balance so I can ttc. I know I wont fall pregnant with out this. I am on CD11 and I know OV wont happen for at least a week. So I kind of feel like I am getting stressed about not being able to destress. I want to get pregnant so much this month I dont think I will cope if I get AF. I am going to have reflexology weekly for the next few sessions to see if it helps.
I really struggle with knowing I'm not pregnant anymore. Today I should be 31 weeks, its so hard knowing that in a few weeks I should be finishing work to have my baby, instead I am off work as I cant cope with the fact that I have already have him and that he didnt make it. I think I need chocolate!!!! x

 

[Bride2b]

I'm counting today as cd1 since it started so late last night. It's light flow but more then spotting. Did anyone else have a light first period? I'm wondering if it's light cause I only stopped pp bleeding about two weeks ago? Normally it would get heavier for me but it's about the same.

Bride I understand what you mean and that's how I feel.

If it was late and light thats probably best.

I had spotting for a day or two then (tmi) it was like a tap being turned on it was so heavy. My AF came almost 5 weeks after pp bleeding stopped so I guess the lining was thicker to shed?

xx

 

[Kelly9]

I guess so, I'm not sure how much that would affect it. I was only 5 weeks post partum yesterday so I was surprised it came but my body does fight to regulate fast or so I've noticed. I think I am going to call the clinic, I am fairly sure it's af it's just the lightness confuses me plus if I was gushing blood I'd have to go to emerge cause of the fistula, it can rupture at any time which could cause me to bleed out.

 

[blav]

I have been lurking more than posting recently. As others have said its kind of a relief to take a break sometimes. I feel like last month I was so obsessed with every little thing and this month I'm trying to just let things happen without analyzing everything.

As for SMEP it's going well I think. OH had to go out of town this weekend but we shouldnt have to miss any days. I am on CD 17 and just waiting for th OPK to turn positive. If I ovulate on CD 19 like I did last month that'll be Monday! OPK was negative this morning but I will start doing them twice a day so we shall see!

 

[Kelly9]

Good luck blah - britney right? Or did i mess that up?

So it IS the witch. The bleeding is heavier now and looks like my af bleeds normally do. I'm cramping lots to which I expected. I've called fertility clinic to report it and though I don't expect a call back this cycle I am still 1 month into the 2-3 month wait. Hoping very hard that we can start FET with the next cycle. Which would line me up for a christmas baby if it worked.

Question again: Does/did anyone else loose faith after they lost their baby? I'm not an overly religious person but now I can't even bring myself to say "Im praying" when a friend asks for prayers on here all I can manage is to say "I hope" I guess I feel like I was let down in so many ways by whoever or whatever I prayed to before when my Hannah was fighting, only to go on to loose her. We had people all across the world praying for her, whole congregations even bishops and none of it worked. Maybe I've lost whatever small amount of faith that I had to begin with?

 

[jojo23]

kelly i definitely know what you mean. im not at all religious but when i lost Lily i kept thinking if there was a God he wouldnt do this so how could there be one etc.... theres so many things you go through in your head!!!

Hope is the most precious thing any of us could ever have and i think sometimes hope is even better than praying cause you hope with your whole heart and soul!! and thats perfect for us....

your faith will come back, whether its religious or just faith in yourself etc. and in the mean time you dont have to pray just find a way of asking the universe for this miracle and then when it happens (and it will!) you can say a prayer of thanks to everyone who had hope for you..!!

i will be thinking of you in whatever way i pray/talk to myslef lol hun and all of the ladies here!!! xxxxxxxx

 

[Kelly9]

thanks jojo you made me feel so much better

 

[Bride2b]

Kelly questioning your faith is a very common part of grief, as if you have religious beliefs you find it hard to work out why it has happened & why prayers were not listened to.
My OH is a born again Christian, although doesnt go to church much anymore (hes a lifeboat crewman and they have training on a Sunday - I know you can go to church on other days but hes a full time teacher), anyway we are getting married in a church in July, and he started to question his faith when we lost Bertie. I asked if we were going to go to Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve & he replied by saying he didnt think so as he wasnt sure what he believed in anymore and cant understand why god would take his dad & son away from him within 2 months of each other. He wasnt sure a church wedding was something he wanted. He has come round now, and we did go to midnight mass in the end. We have a 'Marriage preparation day' at the church in 2 weeks. I'm not being funny but I think all the shit we have been through these last few months and the fact that we are still strong has proved that no marriage preparation seminar could even come close to what we have experienced.

I think as Jo says for now I think hope is a good word, we can all have hope if nothing else. I hope you get your FET next month hun, at least you know that it should happen in the next few months & fingers crossed it'll be a successful one!

Britney - I remember you saying about 'chillin' this month with the whole ttc obsession! Good plan batman! I have everything crossed for you! xxx
I missed a smep night last night as OH went out & by the time he got home I was sound asleep. I think it was because my reflexologist stimulated the gland that controls sleep! Buggered the SMEP right up! I dont think I'll OV for a week though. I am thinking I might get a high on my CBFM tomorrow as the first month I used one I got highs CD12. Once I do get highs I'll tell OH we have to BD regularly (I wont say every other day to him - that just adds undue pressure I think) & hopefully by the time I get a peak we would have covered ourselves!

Phew long post!!!!!

 

[dancareoi]

I think at least he hasnt said no. Do you chart ovulation/temps? Maybe its an idea if you do to let him know when your fertile time is about to happen. Say something like, "I've been keeping track of my body & it looks like I will OV in 3 days, I want to TTC, do you feel ready?" ..... or something like that. The chances of it happening again are so slim. I guess he is just scared. I would probably take control and be very open about when your most fertile so it puts it in the forefront of his mind.

You are going to have really really crap days, I've had so many of them. Some days it just felt like nothing else matters, and all I wanted to do was cry, then you feel sos shattered and more emotional because you are tired. Its such a vicious cycle. Its shitty but its just going to be like this for a while, fighting the grief doesnt help in the long run.

I'm ok, just trying to 'relax' and allow the reflexology I have been having to work. I just want to get my mind, body & emotions into balance so I can ttc. I know I wont fall pregnant with out this. I am on CD11 and I know OV wont happen for at least a week. So I kind of feel like I am getting stressed about not being able to destress. I want to get pregnant so much this month I dont think I will cope if I get AF. I am going to have reflexology weekly for the next few sessions to see if it helps.
I really struggle with knowing I'm not pregnant anymore. Today I should be 31 weeks, its so hard knowing that in a few weeks I should be finishing work to have my baby, instead I am off work as I cant cope with the fact that I have already have him and that he didnt make it. I think I need chocolate!!!! x

He hasn`t said no and he knows how much i want and need this. I am having such a bad day today.
i think AF is due next week, which means i should OV in about 3 weeks,so plenty of time still to talk to DH to see what we are going to do.
When Ihad MMC in july 09 I was desperate to get PG again asap,it was all very clinical, it was like ok i`ve OV`d lets DTD. Because I was so stressed out about it all I didn`t think it would happen but i got BFP straight away!
I should be 23 weeks now, and like you keep thinking what would be if i still had my baby
My DH is out tonight with his mates,he hasn`t seen them since all this happened, so i think it will do him good to go out and have a drink or two or three or.....
I have already eaten all the chocolate in the house, so I am currently drinking the largest glass of baileys and ice you have ever seen!

 

[dancareoi]

Kelly questioning your faith is a very common part of grief, as if you have religious beliefs you find it hard to work out why it has happened & why prayers were not listened to.
My OH is a born again Christian, although doesnt go to church much anymore (hes a lifeboat crewman and they have training on a Sunday - I know you can go to church on other days but hes a full time teacher), anyway we are getting married in a church in July, and he started to question his faith when we lost Bertie. I asked if we were going to go to Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve & he replied by saying he didnt think so as he wasnt sure what he believed in anymore and cant understand why god would take his dad & son away from him within 2 months of each other. He wasnt sure a church wedding was something he wanted. He has come round now, and we did go to midnight mass in the end. We have a 'Marriage preparation day' at the church in 2 weeks. I'm not being funny but I think all the shit we have been through these last few months and the fact that we are still strong has proved that no marriage preparation seminar could even come close to what we have experienced.

I think as Jo says for now I think hope is a good word, we can all have hope if nothing else. I hope you get your FET next month hun, at least you know that it should happen in the next few months & fingers crossed it'll be a successful one!

Britney - I remember you saying about 'chillin' this month with the whole ttc obsession! Good plan batman! I have everything crossed for you! xxx
I missed a smep night last night as OH went out & by the time he got home I was sound asleep. I think it was because my reflexologist stimulated the gland that controls sleep! Buggered the SMEP right up! I dont think I'll OV for a week though. I am thinking I might get a high on my CBFM tomorrow as the first month I used one I got highs CD12. Once I do get highs I'll tell OH we have to BD regularly (I wont say every other day to him - that just adds undue pressure I think) & hopefully by the time I get a peak we would have covered ourselves!

Phew long post!!!!!

All of this does make us question our faith, if there is a God why would he do this?
My DH and kids are Catholic (his parents are Irish) I am C of E,although not practicing.
However DH and kids do go to mass,but not every week. Strangely before we lost our LO they had been to mass the 3 previous sundays in a row. My DH did make a comment along the lines of, fat lot of good that did.
My son is 10, he is very sensitive and takes his religion quite seriously, he attends a catholic school and always says his prayers every night.
When this first happened he prayed for all of us and for his lost sibling. The Sunday after this happened, my DH took him and my daughter to mass and my son lit a candle for the baby.
As you say all we can do is hope.

 

[Bride2b]

My DH is out tonight with his mates,he hasn`t seen them since all this happened, so i think it will do him good to go out and have a drink or two or three or.....
I have already eaten all the chocolate in the house, so I am currently drinking the largest glass of baileys and ice you have ever seen!

My OH went out with his mates a few weeks after & I did the same, except I drank a whole bottle of red wine & was plastered!! I NEVER drink ever so this was very usual for me! But it felt good at the time as it took the pain away.
I dont think I've eaten so much chocolate in ages! I certainly didnt eat hardly any when I was pregnant, so I think I'm making up for it now!x

 

[dancareoi]

My DH is out tonight with his mates,he hasn`t seen them since all this happened, so i think it will do him good to go out and have a drink or two or three or.....
I have already eaten all the chocolate in the house, so I am currently drinking the largest glass of baileys and ice you have ever seen!

My OH went out with his mates a few weeks after & I did the same, except I drank a whole bottle of red wine & was plastered!! I NEVER drink ever so this was very usual for me! But it felt good at the time as it took the pain away.
I dont think I've eaten so much chocolate in ages! I certainly didnt eat hardly any when I was pregnant, so I think I'm making up for it now!x

I`m not a drinker, I never go out. i have 3 kids who are usually awake at 6, so late nights don`t agree with me! i have the odd baileys,like now!
I have eaten 2 large bars of diary milk over the last few days, slightly soft, melt in the mouth. My favourite.

Thanks for the chat, I`m feeling a little better now.

 

[Kelly9]

dancareoi I think our due dates were very close, I would have been 23 weeks yesterday my due date was june 15.

I figured questioning it was normal, I likely won't forgive until I am pregnant again and can focus on something positive. Once the scars are gone from my belly (if they ever fade away completely) then I'll have nothing left to remind me of my pregnancy. Everything is gone now, my period returning was one of the last things.

I also wrote a letter to the nurse who was assigned to me the day I had Hannah. She upset me so much and made my birthing experience more painful then it had to be and I felt that it was time to let her know how I felt. I called the nursing manager for the unit I was on and explained my situation. I was encouraged to file a formal complaint but being a registered nurse I didn't want to do that. All I wanted was for her to understand how bad she made me feel, on already the worst day of my life. So thats done now, and I called the doc who did Hannah's surgery to request the last few pictures I've been waiting for to put in her memory box. I can't think of anything else that I need to do for the sake of closure, the rest is emotional.