Life after Loss Support Group........All Welcome :)

[yazoo]

Hey Hayley, thank you. We did BD every second day from AF this month and then every day around Ov but it didn't work.
That line is looking amazing.
Its 3 months tomorrow since Jakob was born. 13 weeks exactly today. My poor baby. I miss him so much too. I want him back inside me. I want to have a fab Christmas with 2 kiddies and it just kills me that Xmas will go by with no new baby. I was so looking forward to Xmas with OH and my 2 babies and now I can't bear the thought of it. Life is so unfair. I am just back from shopping and there is pregnant women and babies EVERYWHERE. Literally like nearly every second person. I keep imagining what my bump would be like now.

Natalie, I hope you didn't miss ovulation.

Nikki your not crazy at all. This who ttc thing just plays with our minds.

Amanda- Sorry your so tired all the time but its a good sign and in a while it will pass.

 

[KamIAm]

Good Morning Ladies!!

How are all of you??

Nikki, girl, You know we'd never think you are a Nutt .. LOL.. heck that's MY job LOL .. Remember, anything is fair game around these parts, we can tell all with each other, no judgement cuz more than likely someone else is thinking or feeling the same... Girl, I STILL wanna poas! Hahaha ... Yep, I am an official POAS-aholic!

I am counting down the days til I pounce on dear OH ..

Too all my preg mommies... I am super excited all is going great with Operation Rainbow Makers.. Babies growing AMAZINGLY Sorry you Mums are feeling icky BUT hang in there loves...

Tanya, I SOOOO know what you are thinking and feeling right now... We are suppose to be having our lil ones this Christmas!! Suppose to be one more added to the shopping list!! It was suppose to be their first Christmas with us, their moms... Instead, they are spending it together, in a beautiful place... BUT still they aren't with us, and that sucks .... It's gonna be a rough one for all of us I think ... I'm trying to stay pretty positive about this, BUT trust me, I still have my moments...

I'm babysitting my friend's baby again today, I usually keep him one day a week but I haven't had him for a few weeks.. And, must say, this is my first time having lil weepy moments with him... I LOVE having him here and love loving on him, therapy for my soul But I had a twinge of sadness for the first time when I was rocking him earlier.. think it's because it's my first time having him since we've been ttc and I've tested a BIG FAT NOPE ... So, this I'm sure will pass...

Have a good one Friends...

 

[Nikki_d72]

Aw, Kelly it must be so hard to be babysitting, I'm so proud of you for being able to do it. I know it can be soothiong though and nothing wrong with having a wee cry at times.

I babysat my neighbour's 2YO girl a few times quite soon after losing the boys and it brought me joy most of the time but I did have a complete meltdown when I took her for a walk in the buggy, I just couldn't stop myself from thinking it shouldn't be her I was pushing around. Lucky I live in the country and could safely wail and bawl around the tracks without anyone seeing me! I don't think I could have dealt with a really young baby though and a boy would be harder.

My other neighbours have a wee boy who's just started walking and my DD goes in to play with him sometimes and loves walking him around - I find it really hard to even look at without breaking down. Crazy, eh.

Anyway, I'm rambling but wanted to say good on you for babysitting in the first place, you are very strong, mama.

Tanya, I'm with you on the Christmas thing completely. I'm dreading it. I really wanted to go away and dissapear for it but OH's brother and family are coming from Australia to see us and we haven't seen them for 8 years so need to be here. It will be busy so I suppose that will be good. I hope it's as gentle on you as possible. And all of us.

Hayley - that line is super-clear! Your angel has brought you your rainbow, so lovely.

Nat, hope you didn't miss your surge hon and caught that egg!

Andrea, how are you doing? Passing the time till next month OK?

Mhairi - Hope you are OK hon. Thinking of you. Hope you are physically well and growing your rainbow.

Amanda, Erica - hope you are both well and growing those bubbas. Loving the sweets before bed advice so you can chuck up nice stuff! Ha, too funny!

Jojo, how are you, girl? Not heard from you in a while. Hope all is well.

babesx3 - how are you doing?

Hope I've not missed anyone, if I have please forgive, I get a bit mixed up with user names/ Real names!

AFM, not much to report, am hoping to get down to some serious soon but having to work tonight which will probably be a late one being Friday night and DH is doing stupid hours at work, chucking stone around all day so will probably be asleep by the time I get home - boo! Poor guy flaked out last night at about 9pm, I was tempted to wake him but thought that would be a bit rotten. I know most guys wouldn't object to being woken for a bit of action but he is seriously exhausted - I'm quite worried about him, he's losing weight as well and was skinny to begin with. Not eating enough, working to hard and a bit depressed I think. Unfortunately, I'm the opposite and eat more when I'm down so it looks like I've been eating all his dinners, haha! We look like Jack Sprat and his Wife.

I've not had any EWCM yet anyway and am tempted to try to leave it as late as I can to try to swing for a boy, but then I feel I should leave it to chance and if I'm meant for a boy then I'll get one. I can't really afford to be fussy at my age and would be happy with whatever I get, a girl would be easier in some ways as I still have all my DD's stuff but saw how much DH's face lit up when it was boys before, he really wanted a wee boy to balance things up, he said. Haha, so me and DD can't gang up on him.

While I'm in the mood for confessing my many madnesses, I also have a ridiculous notion that my boys' spirits could come back to me in new bodies, separately. So another reason to try for a boy but like I said - if that's meant to happen then it would without my interference. I know it's insane and not really fair to any new baby to be thinking it could possibly be Hayden or Ethan in spirit, instead of a new child, totally separate and individual in it's own right and really bordering on insane to be thinking that but it's popped into my head and now I can't get rid of it. Sorry if this offends anyone, I know it's nutty but can't deny it's in my head. I actually really worry about having another baby and constantly comparing him or her to the boys, wondering if it could be one of them or not. Maybe a girl would be best, to stop me thinking like that. I think I need my head examined, sorry. Just wondered if anyone else has wierd thoughts like this or do I need help? is things like this a normal part of the madness after losses like ours?

Hope you are all well

xxx

 

[yazoo]

Hi girls,

Yep its official you are a POAS addict. Its normal to have a few wee twinges of sadness when with a baby. I was the exact same when my godson came visit. OH had him and DD on his knee doting on him & I just started crying as I was picturing Jakob & DD on their Daddy's knee.

Nikki what you said about your daughter with the babies next door and feeling sadness. I am the exact same. DD loves my godson so much and she is great with him and I although I am so happy about that I get sad too because she would be such a great big sister and wanted a baby bro/sis so bad. (She wished on her birthday cake last year for a baby bro/sis). Poor wee thing.

Nikki I don't think its crazy what you are thinking at all. If I get pregnant with a girl I know I will be super happy but as I said to OH I think I would keep trying for a boy also. I admit if I ever have a boy I will be comparing him to Jakob and wondering if Jakob would look like him at certain ages and I don't think that is crazy at all. I think it is very normal for anyone who lost a baby to compare subsequent babies with the one that passed especially a baby of the same sex. I hope your hubby is ok and gets some time to relax and destress.

AFM I haven't had a great day today. It started off ok and just got worse and worse and I ended up lying on the couch sobbing with poor DD askign what was wrong and wiping my tears. I hate her seeing me like that and I try to keep her away from it but I just couldn't today. Tomorrow is Jakob's 3 month anniversary and I should be 35 weeks pregnant tomorrow. Plus OH had to go in to the baby shop and inform them that we would not be picking up our new cot next month and asked could they keep it for another while. It just all got a bit too much and I broke down but I will be better tomorrow.

 

[jojo23]

hang in there girls your bfps are around the corner xxxxxxx

 

[Nikki_d72]

Oh Tanya, I'm sorry you had a rough day. I know what you mean about trying to keep it from your DD, but she needs to see the whole range of emotions, it will actually help her deal with hers as she grows. So I've read anyway. I do it too though, we're conditioned that way.

My DD was also so wanting to be a sister, it breaks my heart so much, Your wee girl wishing on her cake has just made me well up, the wee dote. Mine had a dream I was pregnant the week before I found out I was, she said she dreamt it again the other day and I just said "well I'm not", then felt really bad for crushing her like that but it just hurt so much. I hate that she's had to learn so young that bad things really do happen and people don't only die when they are old or sick, it sucks.

3 Months hit me hard too. As did 32 weeks, as they had said they would section me at that point if they survived. All these milestones are hard.

Anyway, I was meant to be trying to cheer you up, not make you worse, sorry! I hope it's just one of those blips we all have and you get through the 3-month mark OK and cry it all out and feel a bit better. xxx

 

[MissMaternal]

Amanda i just had to reply to your post a few pages back..... i wanted to let you know that when my Freya was born, i took about 15 pictures, and it still wasn't enough. I still felt afterwards like i had let her down by not saving enough memories of her. So even if you had taken pictures of your own, it would never have felt like enough! I'm glad that you are arranging to have the picture of her given to you. I think that will be really good for you. We will always have regrets - but the memories in your mind are the most important.

Also, whenever i visit Freya when i am pregnant i feel bad too, so i can relate to that. It feels like i am rubbing it in and that she will think i have forgotten her and moved on. I always make a point of saying to her when i visit that no matter what, she will always be my first born child - and that's what you have to think when you visit Emily

xx

 

[SarahJane]

Nikki has just reminded me that I haven't told you guys so just nipping in to let anyone who I haven't told that I got my BFP on Tuesday. I am petrified but very happy to be pregnant

to everyone still trying xxx

 

[Nikki_d72]

Congrats again! So happy for you, you deserve it so much xxx

 

[Andypanda6570]

Nikki has just reminded me that I haven't told you guys so just nipping in to let anyone who I haven't told that I got my BFP on Tuesday. I am petrified but very happy to be pregnant

to everyone still trying xxx

I am SOoooooooooooo happy for you
I was and still am so very excited, you deserve this so much..
XOXOXOX

I am doing ok, I am sick I caught something not sure what. Also i am waiting for Natalie to call me..LOL .Can't wait to talk to her.

 

[MummyStobe]

Nikki has just reminded me that I haven't told you guys so just nipping in to let anyone who I haven't told that I got my BFP on Tuesday. I am petrified but very happy to be pregnant

to everyone still trying xxx

Congratulations Sarah. So pleased and happy for you.

We can support each other through our pregnancies because we are at the same stage

 

[yazoo]

Thank you Nikki, I think your daughters dream is a sign that you will get your BFP this month. I hate that they have to learn that so young also. Alot of times since Jakob was born she has cried saying that she does not want to die or she doesn't want anyone she loves to die. She also said one night "Mammy maybe we shouldn't have another baby" I asked why and she said because I don't want another baby to die, it makes me too sad. Oh God I'm welling up even writing that. You didn't make me worse at all love. I like to hear about your DD because both her and mine seem to be of a similar age and experiencing the same thing.

Sarah don't forget to pop in here and let us know how your getting on. We want to know everything.

 

[mhazzab]

Nikki has just reminded me that I haven't told you guys so just nipping in to let anyone who I haven't told that I got my BFP on Tuesday. I am petrified but very happy to be pregnant

to everyone still trying xxx

I'm so happy for you, congratulations! xxxxx

 

[KamIAm]

Soooo many Rainbows in the making....

I am beyond excited for you ALL!! Everyone of you girls deserve this!

BUT you better keep in touch with us... Wanna hear updates!!

 

[MummyStobe]

Soooo many Rainbows in the making....

I am beyond excited for you ALL!! Everyone of you girls deserve this!

BUT you better keep in touch with us... Wanna hear updates!!

It's not much of an update Kelly but I poa(digi)s this morning and saw it in writing "pregnant 2-3". Feels much more real now

 

[mhazzab]

Soooo many Rainbows in the making....

I am beyond excited for you ALL!! Everyone of you girls deserve this!

BUT you better keep in touch with us... Wanna hear updates!!

It's not much of an update Kelly but I poa(digi)s this morning and saw it in writing "pregnant 2-3". Feels much more real now

Yay! It does make you feel better when you see it written down, doesn't it! So happy for you xxx

 

[collie_crazy]

Yay for pregnant 2-3

I also POAS the other day and got pregnant 3+ I wish digis went all the way up! Still waiting impatiently on my first scan letter - hoping it comes in the next few days.

Sorry I've not been on much I've been so tired that when I'm not in work I'm sleeping! So I'm finding it hard to catch up on the other threads - only really checking in in here so I can see how all my fab ladies are! We've had so many BFPs lately but still more to come! I'm thinking this is a very lucky thread!

 

[SarahJane]

yay for digi progression - great news for you both.

I am finding this so hard. I just feel like I am gonna lose the baby. I had an awful panic attack at 3am and it was similar to when I lost Evelyn. I was convinced I would get up today and I would be bleeding.

I am not having any symptoms really either which doesn't help. Aside for occasional waves of nausea and some twinges a couple of days ago I have nothing at all to really reassure me. I stupidly tested with a different brand of test last night and convinced myself it was lighter. I then tested this morning and it is darker again so I am extremely pleased that I have no pregnancy tests left.

I have now booked a midwife appointment on Wednesday and a consultant appointment on 28th December. The NHS have been amazing so far! My consultant's secretary even reminded me to take aspirin.

I am supposed to be flying to Cape Verde for a holiday in 2 weeks time. I think it will do me good to take my mind off things but I am a tiny bit worried that the midwife may say I can't fly! I so need a holiday.

 

[Andypanda6570]

yay for digi progression - great news for you both.

I am finding this so hard. I just feel like I am gonna lose the baby. I had an awful panic attack at 3am and it was similar to when I lost Evelyn. I was convinced I would get up today and I would be bleeding.

I am not having any symptoms really either which doesn't help. Aside for occasional waves of nausea and some twinges a couple of days ago I have nothing at all to really reassure me. I stupidly tested with a different brand of test last night and convinced myself it was lighter. I then tested this morning and it is darker again so I am extremely pleased that I have no pregnancy tests left.

I have now booked a midwife appointment on Wednesday and a consultant appointment on 28th December. The NHS have been amazing so far! My consultant's secretary even reminded me to take aspirin.

I am supposed to be flying to Cape Verde for a holiday in 2 weeks time. I think it will do me good to take my mind off things but I am a tiny bit worried that the midwife may say I can't fly! I so need a holiday.

Everything will be ok and you will have a H&H9Months, i know it. You have every right to be scared and nervous you have been through hell and your body and mind is being protective and cautious, it is very natural. But you must also understand stress is not good, so somehow find a little peace remind yourself that it is and will be ok and things are going to go great. I will always be saying my prayers for you and your precious baby. Try to relax and take it easy..XOXOXOOX

 

[SarahJane]

Thanks andrea, I really hope so. I am just trying to take things one day at a time and will be happy at the moment if I get to tomorrow xx

How are you doing sweetie?