step parents support thread

[Inge]

Am close to breaking now..
Last night we got SS. We picked him up at 5:30pm, School finished at 3pm home by 3:15pm, but he was still in his dirty uniform and didnt have a spare so we had to do a wash about 9pm as he wouldnt take it off to wash it, Then he was in and out of bed til 11pm. The icing on the cake was this... Leo is in the same room, I heard him scream so loud,went in and he had his blanket wrapped so tight around his faceI took it off and he looked so scraed (SS has put blankets over LOs face before and yesterday was trying to give him a deflated balloon even though I said no because Leo might eat it and choke) So I think SS might of put it over his face when he went in there (he keeps going in to wake him up)
Im sick of every time he is here, he wrecks Leo's bedtimes. Leo wont sleep in there and wont sleep with us so I was up all night, Leo was up most of the night and OH slept on the sofa ignoring me
Im sick of him getting into Leos face adn swearing at him and trying to slap him, poking him whenever hes asleep. Hes 9 years old, he should understand babies cant be rough handled, sworn at and suffacated
Im telling OH he sorts something out now or else im going, cos I am not risking Leos ahppiness and safety everytime SS is here, and none of us sleeping as "its only SS room" and Leo isnt allowed. Where is he supposed to sleep? This is his HOME
OH has annoyed me about treating me like crap, moaning at me when I worry about money (rightly should be worrying) and when Iv said Il leave he just says "you know where the door is" He really doesnt care does he?

 

[tallybee]

Oh Inge! I am so sorry things are like this for you

Your OH needs to get it into his skull just how bloody intolerable this is. Is he aware of all these things SS is doing to Leo? Or is he just completely sticking his head in the sand (typical bloke ). In my experience men seem to cling to absolute denial of problems until a point comes where everything breaks and it can be too late to sort it out

In all honesty it seems like your SS has some serious issues, who can blame the boy, with the mother being as she is. I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving him in a room with a baby

It's just such a horribly sad situation, it's not the kid's fault he's being failed by his mum.

Do you have anywhere you can go for a few days? I think your OH needs a kick up the behind to show him how serious the situation is. How dare he take all this out on you

 

[Lownthwaite]

I totally agree with tallybee - you shouldn't have to put up with this behaviour from SS - or your OH!

Is it going to have to take Leo getting hurt before your OH does something??!

I would also take Leo to stay somewhere else for a while. It's not a safe environment for him to be in when SS is there. How often do you have SS over?

Also from the sounds of it you have a 2 bed house? If this is the case and one of the bedrooms is yours and OH's and the other is SS's then where does your OH expect Leo to sleep?!

We had an unscheduled visit from SS last night - on his way home from the hospital!!

He's broken his arm at nursery / afterschool club.

Apparently he was stood up in a long tube toy thing - you are meant to roll around in them but he stood up and then his little sister (not our LO - his mums little girl who's 3) pushed him over and he's landed on his arm and broken it

I must admit I was quite taken aback by how I felt about it! I was quite choked up and upset for the little man - poor thing. So he's now going to be in a cast over xmas!!

 

[tallybee]

Aw poor little guy! A shame the cast'll be on over Xmas, but it'll come off soon enough.

Lownthwaite you are right about the bedroom thing. How can it be SS's room only when he doesn't even live there full time, and Leo does

 

[cowboys angel]

Inge, I'm so sorry!

I think go find a place to stay for afew days, or however long it takes. If he doesn't come to bring you home, you know where he stands. If he does, then you can lay out conditions upon you coming home, such as between LO and SS, and about SS.

 

[tallybee]

Hope you're OK Inge

 

[Inge]

yep wer ok. I had a talk with him and OH knows how Leo gets rough handled by SS. Last night was it. I was in the bath, and Leo was in his cot sleeping (bout 10pm) and SS went over to the cot and starting clapping, Leo woke up screaming OH told him off again and we brought Leo back in with us. Yep its a 2 bed. They are going to have to share at some point. We have him over every other weekend (OH works 2 weekends a month for 12hrs plus 2 hrs driving) and 1-2 days in the week. When OH gets back from the school run im telling him hes got to tell SS mum about what hes doing cos its not fair to Leo.
OH feels theres nothnig we can do about his behaviour as his mum thinks everything he does is normal. Im not really in the mood for any of this right now as my knees are so painful I cant move them properly (joint pain and arthiritus in the family) and im not in the best of moods.

 

[cowboys angel]

Glad you're okay. Hope your OH is able to get something from the BM.

Take a hot bath and relax. Hope the pain lightens up for ya.

 

[eandc123]

Hi all

I'm new. I have 3 step daughters (are they called that if me and OH aren't married yet?). They are 9, 6 and 4. Me and OH have been together 3 years in January and we have a gorgeous daughter who is 3 and 1/2 months, the light of my life

OH and his ex split before I met him. SD#3 was very young when she left him.

So glad I have found this thread because sometimes I need to rant but I can't because who would understand??

His ex is a pin in the arse and sometimes I wish he had never been married before Is that mean? I hate that in a way I have to share him with her.

 

[cowboys angel]

Welcome! Yes they are still your stepchildren.

Come here and rant away. God knows we all do. I totally understand what you mean by wishing he had never been married before. I love my steppie dearly, but sometimes...quite often honestly...I wish we didn't have to deal with the psycho bitch. She makes oru lives miserable every chance she gets.

 

[tallybee]

Welcome to the group eandc123. Of course they are your steppies even though you aren't married, I only married my DH a month ago and was calling his boys my step sons since our relationship became serious.

It's so important to be able to let off steam in the company of those who understand/don't instantly judge! That's why this group was started and it's great!

I also agree about wishing he'd never been married before. Dealing with DH's ex almost broke us up more than once. Feeling like this does not make you a bad person, it means you are human! (some of the shit those exes dish out makes them bad people IMO - but what can you do.....)

Inge... really your SS needs rules laid down and enforced. Whatever the deal is at his mum's he needs to have it hammered home that under your roof, there are things he does not do. It's hard for kids to get used to 2 sets of rules (particularly when one set is none at all ) but in the long run in my experience they do get used to it and it makes everyone happier, including them as they know how things are.

xxx

 

[cowboys angel]

My steppie knows there's different rules ehre than at her moms. It's hard sometimes, and we have to allow her to adjust when she first gets here, not just expect her to instantly remember all the rule changes the instant we pick her up. And she does get punished occasionally for forgotten rules, and is told that she is plenty old enough to remember, especially after she's been reminded since she got her. IT's hard, but def possible.

 

[Inge]

Wev only lived in our own home for 5 months now, we lived with OH's parents before and they always let him do anything he wanted. So I think its a change for him too as hes always had his dad and grandparents in the same house.
BM even used to tell SS to play up for his dad and we think shes still doing it. Wev got him fri-sun as OH is working 6am monday, and wer planning on going to see the xmas lights turned on in town and see santa so hoping that having some fun things lined up will help him. When he's bored he plays up so he just needs to be kept busy and know we have time for him. His mum usually ignores him and her boyfriend does too so no wonder he thinks if he plays up he gets more attention.

 

[tallybee]

His mum telling him to play up?? Holy crap!

Anyway he needs to know what behaviour is and is not acceptable under yours and your OH's rules, whether exciting things have been arranged or not... being bored is no excuse for the things he does that you have described

I hope the weekend goes as smoothly as possible - and enjoy the lights and Santa

xx

 

[Jen.Uh.Fur]

I agree with everyone else about the rules thing. SD has no rules at her mom's house, but she knows all her rules when she is home. She is pretty good with remembering them all and what we expect as behaviour. Occasionally when she comes home from visiting her mom she has an attitude, but we remind her that is not how she speaks/acts when she is home.

One reminder is usually all it takes.

 

[rjsmam]

Inge - so sorry you've been having such a rough time. I really feel for you. we have had similar issues with ss and rules etc..

i agree with what everyone has said about the rules - it's tough but being consistent will show him eventually that the rules won't change and he should eventually realise it's easier to toe the line.. BUT you shouldnt be doing it on your own....

hi to eandc and everyone else!



x

 

[eandc123]

My SD's just don't seem to have any bedtime routine so when they stay over they argue, fight & scream until late. They complain because we don't let them stay up late but surely it's not unreasonable for a 4, 6 & 9 year old to be in bed by 9 on a weekend night.

 

[cowboys angel]

BM does this to my steppie too. Tells her to lie to us and she doesn't have to listen to me cuz I'm not her mom and I'm "too young to be a mommy"

 

[TheNewMrs]

Girls on a more positive note I am looking for your advice here....
SS is coming over tonight!!

What board games are fun to play with an 8 year old boy? Or how do we keep him entertained??

Our house needs to become more child friendly and we are working on it but we've never had to play games ect with a child and at home he's put in front of an Xbox and playing over 18's war games...

How did you, would you keep an 8 year old boy entertained???

 

[Lownthwaite]

My SD's just don't seem to have any bedtime routine so when they stay over they argue, fight & scream until late. They complain because we don't let them stay up late but surely it's not unreasonable for a 4, 6 & 9 year old to be in bed by 9 on a weekend night.

I think like you - my SS is 7 and I think he should be in bed by 9pm ish on a saturday night (this is the night he stays over although we do sometimes have him on a friday too).

Whenever he stays over DH lets him stay up until stupid times! I'm in bed before him sometimes and I'm never in bed before 11pm!!

I have tried talking to DH about it but he just says that it's SS's treat to stay up late when he is with us - ok - I don't mind this but half 10, 11pm, later?.......it's rediculous! Also we have childrens tv on from when he gets here to when he leaves so nobody else can watch anything! My sister and I (she lives with us) like to watch the soaps and xfactor but we have to wait till SS is in bed before we can watch them! Our LO is in bed by 07:30pm every night - that's our grown up time then in my eyes to watch what we want to - not be stuck with scooby doo and ben10 until 11:15pm!

Also........once he finally makes it to bed (DH usually waits till SS falls asleep on the sofa and then takes him up) he has his playstation on playing DVDs ALL night! He says he is scared of the dark which ok, I can understand - I have bought him a nightlight and keep the hall and bathroom lights on for him but he doesn't really need a DVD playing ALL night surely?!?! Again I spoke to DH and he says it helps SS get back off to sleep if he wakes - that is probably WHY he's waking in my opinion! It's also annoying because I can hear the humming of the playstation in our room which is across the hall so no doubt LO can hear it in the nursery which is next to SS's room. Not to mention my electricity bill........

I always fight a loosing battle with this so have given up trying ........... and have now just realise I highjacked your post - sorry hun