Sticking Together Until We All Get BFP's!!!!

[ab75]

I am 9dpo, got crampy feeling in right ovary and boobs feel tingly xx

 

[confuzion]

I'm in the tww also! 5 DPO. Losing my mind waiting. My temps have flattened out though .

 

[MolGold]

FX Confuzion Hope this is your cycle!

 

[confuzion]

Thanks mol. Hope it is for you too

 

[Wishing1010]

Let's get some bfp's in here!!!! We need them!!!

 

[AmySan]

Mary, so glad your brother is home!

And Megan, SO happy you guys got to talk!! That is great!! Sounds very positive and like a good idea!!

Lat night was ok...I feel like dying though. My appt went ok. Seeing Mike was great...except he said he felt like he was going to have a panic attack seeing me. Couldn't kiss me until the very end. He said he keeps having flashbacks. Thought I was going to die, thought he was going to get tazed when the cops came...I understand. I feel so terrible. And he told his friends, and they told him he doesn't need to put up with or worry about that happening again (their way of saying break up with me)

Last night I really wanted to kill myself. I guess it was a good thing that I didn't have money to go buy more pills and razors. Wednesday is our couples appt. I am so scared if it doesn't go well or we break up, that I will. Everything with him is tearing me up inside. Even on all of my medications, the thought of losing him just makes life not worth living. I want to have a baby...and I know I would never do that sort of thing if I did. But maybe if we break up, I'm just not meant to. I am not super religious, but if there is aheaven, I could go be with my baby that I lost. I know this is really gruesome, I'm sorry. Just really struggling right now

 

[Wishing1010]

Amy please don't hurt yourself. You mean so much to your family and you need to be here for them and your kitties! We also need you here, I can't imaging BnB without you. Nothing is worth losing your life over. If Mike makes you feel so bad, maybe he is not the one for you. You just seem so unhappy, even before the most recent events. Maybe you need to go focus on yourself for once and not worry about Mike or anyone else. Just focus on you and getting your mind straight. You have so much stress, and it sounds like Mike does as well. The two of you combined may be a dangerous combination. I'm not putting either of you down, so please do not think that. I'm just really worried about you right now. I want to see you live your life to the fullest And not be so sad and down all the time. It will get better, please don't give up on life yet. Thank you for always being so supportive of us, we need your comfort!!! We love you girl!!!! Just don't give up, please, I'm begging you.

 

[confuzion]

Amy - I don't usually comment on your posts, I apologize. I always read, but never know what to say.

It seems like you have a lot of self-worth issues (most of us ladies do--in our nature I guess), but no matter what happens with Mike, life is most definitely worth living. You're so young! Who knows what the future has in store for you. Please talk through these thoughts with your therapist. And try not to be alone. Suicidal thoughts are a very serious thing, and if you're having them please ask for more help from the people around you.

Wishing you the best.

 

[Megamegan]

Amy, I understand WHY you're having suicidal thoughts, but I think you are smart enough to realize that it is not YOU who wants to end your life, it is your brain telling you there is no other option. You are smarter than your brain and you can be strong and take control of the situation. Tell your therapist you're afraid of suicidal actions if you lose Mike, and she will absolutely help you. You know how it goes. If you hurt yourself, it will be another horrific memory for you. It's time to start creating new, positive memories so you can reinforce your self-confidence. You know how strong you are inside, but you have to reflect that in your actions so that you'll believe it and start making it a habit. If Mike leaves or if you decide to break up, that's completely okay, and it will not ruin your life. Try to make a list of all the reasons why your life will be okay if Mike isn't in it. For example, all the people you love/who love you, how you will support yourself or get financial help if you need it, how you can find another partner despite (and maybe because of!) your struggles in the past... you're SO lovable and the world is a huge place with so many options. Think of all the things you want out of this life, and how you COULD decide to have a baby one day whether a man is involved or not- and how happy you will be when that day comes. See? It's like an endless list of reasons that you're strong enough to go on, and why it's worth doing so. It is super difficult to see through the fog, I understand that- I am not suicidal but I have depression and for me, instead of ending my life permanently, I just stop actually "living" by locking myself in the house and not being productive- when I'm healthy and not depressed, I realize how much I'm missing out on and I have SO many things I want to accomplish. You have options and support. We are here for you, no matter what happens in your life, no matter what mistakes you make or what you're feeling. And I bet you have a lot of support in your day to day life, too. Try to disconnect yourself from those suicidal thoughts and put them in their place. They don't belong to you, they are only trying to invade your brain, but you know better!!

 

[AmySan]

Thanks ladies Kenna, (god I hope I'm getting your name right! lol, pretty sure!) I spent a long time working on myself, which is why it feels like I am just...kindof done I will get help...but, the first time I tried to kill myself was when I was 14 It's like over the years, that has always been my way out. And sometimes I read my old diaries and write, and go...my god...I have felt this way for over half of my life now. Despite endless counseling, doctors, meds, etc. I am happy, but I love Mike SO much and truly feel like I have found my soul mate...things have been hard with us, because of his stress, before anyway..now this nightmare of a situation I am praying our therapy on Wednesday goes well. I have been with a lot of different guys - none of them have been as normal, and as good to me as Mike. As even tempered, without a crazy past. And because he is so not used to anything like what I did (My mom picked me up from the hospital and was just like, Amy, you cannot drink so much! She has become that caloused to this type of thing...but I guess, after over 10 suicide attempts and hospitalizations, ICU, seeing me intubated, nothing surprises her really.) Mike on the other hand is traumatized. It hurt so bad when he said one of his girl friends that I know too was sending him PTSD tests because she is a victim's advocate. He told me that last night. I wouldn't be surprised if he does have PTSD with the way he has responded to this. Apparently not according to the tests. I DO have PTSD from several things...and when i saw that he had been online talking to those girls...it triggered something from my past that I couldn't control, or something. When i confronted him I had a couple of glasses of wine first since I was freaking out...but then next day was procedure, then pain, ER, then finally Saturday night going to his friend's.

His friend that he told (who I like the most) asked him if he had any of the wine we had brought - turned out I had drank the entire bottle - and done some shots. So mixed with my klonopin and the percocet I was on...terrible. Then all hell broke loose. I have NEVER lost it like that before I wish I could take it all back so badly. I am glad I found his online stuff, and he has stopped..but I told him...it doesn't compare, but I am trusting you to not do that, or meet girls etc...I need you to give me a chance to show you I won't do that again.

He is afraid now that I will try to 'get back at him' for it, and kill myself in his house. Which I would never do. And for some reason, which I still don't understand, he thinks I would hurt him. I have never hurt anyone before in my life. But he said last night that A. because he had to run stoplights to keep me from jumping out of the car, which put us both in danger (I wish he would have just let me out of the car!! Especially now) and then B. Getting back to his house, apparently I ran inside as soon as he opened the garage door, grabbed like 6 knives and put them in the bathroom sink...then for whatever reason was yelling about how I was going to kill myself and it was his fault and he is horrible and I couldn't believe he did that to me, and that if we were pregnant and lost the baby it would be his fault. (He said that hurt him the most, because he was afraid I was going to die and those would be my last words to him. He had laid down on top of me and was trying to pin my arms down, but I somehow managed to plunge the knife down as hard as I could into my side...and he was expecting in a minute to feel my blood running out everywhere) and last night he just replayed how he was trying to figure out how to get me downstairs so he could get his cell phone and call 911...and that if he carried me I would still be trying to hurt myself, so he was going to put me in a sleeper hold and then the police showed up.

I am still appalled that I did that. I know that I knew I wasn't pregnant, we missed ever key day (hit every other day up until that) I think i was trying to be dramatic. Then he said he was scared that since we were both in our underwear when the police came, and they had him get on his knees and put his hands behind his head, that he was going to get tazed and shit/piss himself in front of everyone.

Clearly he is very traumatized. I didn't realize or expect that he was so SCARED of ME hurting HIM. Last night I was really struggling, after we saw each other and he could barely make himself kiss me...and then he chose tokyo joe's to go of all places, so they closed 45 minutes after getting there. And I was running a few minutes late, and he already finished eating when I got there. I hadn't eaten all day, but told him I didn't want anything.

Anyway, so I was texting him, because everyone at my house was in bed...I asked if I could come over there, because I was scared. Said that I wouldn't even touch him, would just sleep. He said he wasn't ready for that. Which killed me. I'm so glad I was out of money and was exhausted from crying last night, or I might have done something stupid. Given how bad I felt last night though, I am so scared that Wednesday will be bad. Then my Mom is going out of town May 5-11th...which leaves me with this perfect window of opportunity to not be bothered or saved. It scares me.

I Have never felt this way before. Where someone is afraid I might hurt them...he said logically he knows that but fear isn't logical. I mean I feel bad when I step on bugs. I could never hurt another person. And that is the main reason he can't see me.

I asked if things went well on Wednesday if I could stay over that night...he said if he feels comfortable, yes. I doubt he will though. And if doesn't go very well, which I hope that isn't the case...

I don't know. I'm babbling now. Just trying to make sense of it all.

I am really happy with Mike...i feel like he is the one. I haven' ever felt like that before.


And thank you confuzion...I appreciate that. I guess it is partially self worth..and a LOT just old habits and having been depressed for SO long. I don't know. I really, really, really, want to have a family...And it makes me sad that I don't...and now might lose the person I've been waiting for for years, to have a family with, get married, all of that stuff. Every time i go through something really really hard - it builds up and build up.

Aside from the various forms of abuse from my dad when I was little...i went from that to meeting a guy on the internet when i was 14, he was 23...molested me and tried to kidnap me and take naked pictures...I got away, and ran like hell and locked my door...this was at 2 am, snuck out so my mom didn't know...next day at school i broke down about it and couldn't stop crying...then a friend got me to tell a counselor...which turned into police at the school, he was arrested...But then every day I couldn't stop crying, and my parents were mad at me..grounded me..took away everything....the news and papers ran the story..so pretty soon everyone figured out that the freshman girl at Arapahoe high school was me, the one crying constantly...so they started calling me a slut. So, after a month of that, and my fellow cheerleaders shunning me...I tried to kill myself by taking a box of otc sleeping pills...i didn't know any better.

Well, I started seeing shadows and hallucinating and thought I was going to hell, so I called my mom. Ended up in ICU.

Next 2 times I was 16 and 17....then 21, 21, 23, 25, 27, 27, 28 - and if you count this, which i don't, 28. With lots of times I would OD, go to bed, wake up and just do nothing.

I don't know what counseling or anything is going to keep me from stopping what keeps pulling me towards it.

I'm happy when I am with Mike And the thought of us having a family makes me happy. And I am happy at work...and with everything..I really just don't know if I can handle another loss.

I know half of this message made no sense, sorry ladies. I appreciate you all letting me get it out here I can't talk to anyone else really and my best friend freaks out when I tell her stuff like this, and my mom just says I did it to myself. And of course Mike would just get more scared. I don't want to make him feel stuck or anything.

Anyway, love you all. Want this day to be over...so tired

 

[AmySan]

And thank you so much Megan I had started typing before you wrote - I scares me so much to even make that list But I am OK financially. I guess that is good. I'm living with my Mom thought right now because I spend so much on health insurance and well, have 4 cats. I will try Its just so sad. I am so afraid. And sad. It is so hard.

But thank you so much Nice to have someone who understands

 

[froggyfrog]

Hey everyone. Well we went to the re yesterday and we discussed me taking letrozole next cycle but cutting out the iuis. Just going to be opking and bd. I haven't been opking this cycle but im having a little pain on my left side, and im on cd13 so I think o is coming soon. Last night we spent 3 hours in the closet because we had tornadoes touching down all around us. We were on and off under tornado warnings, and the sirens kept going off so it was pretty scary. Now we are just waiting for round 2! Tonight is supposed to be worse, so we will see! Keep us in your prayers please!

 

[aidensmommy1]

Amy, I was in a relationship like that when I was 17 and that's actually when I was cutting myself and I too felt like if we broke up my whole world would be over and it wasn't worth living and everything u said u felt but when it did end, I just surrounded myself with friends and family (whoever makes u happiest) as much as possible and u CAN and WILL get through it IF that's what has to happen. You'd end up going on to find someone who makes u even happier. Believe me, ive witnessed my brothers gf go thru this first hand many many times and my brother is SOO good to her but she still has trouble. Her docs feel she will never fully get over some things from her childhood (I know it would affect me daily) but she's ok for the most part. Basically I was saying, maybe mike just isn't the one. I know you want him to be right now, but I promise u, if u break up, it will change and you'll find someone better for YOU. Like a guy like my brother (not the sick one). My brother knows his gf has episodes from her past and is able to deal with it ANYTIME and it gets BAD. But hes sooo good with her and she will say some very hurtful things but he wont take it to heart because he knows sometimes she can't control it. Someone with a more understanding/supportive personality & someone who CAN handle episodes that may come from child hood trauma is what you need as a partner, you know? I'm not an expert but just from seeing friends/family go through the same things ive seen many people much happier after making it through the storm. :-\. Obv u can't just search for a guy like that but if you and mike aren't meant to be, you will find someone who is able to deal with it. And ur still young and can certainly start a life and a baby with someone down the rd. Has mike ever had an SA done? Maybe he has an issue because you've had previous pregnancies and now it just hasn't happened yet. Idk jus tryin to think of reasons because I truly believe everything happens for a reason. Your such a beautiful and smart woman! I obv do hope things work out for you and mike but I agree with what kenna had to say about it as well. Please dont hurt yourself hun! I love u too much and so doesn't everyone else on here so I know you have many others who love u in ur life! You can make it through anything and we will be here to support you the whole time. You can vent on here ANYTIME. Ur in my prayers hunny I know all this is sooo hard no matter what you do but just remember you CAN & WILL make it through anything that comes your way. You've been through so much in ur life..your such a strong woman! More so then I think u realize. Maybe set it up so that u can be with a good friend/close family member right after your meeting with mike, just as a "back up safety plan". My mom used to force me to do stuff like that because she was worried and not only did it work, id also feel better being around someone else who really really cares, u know? I'm just trying to look out for your safety. Ive been worried about you . Please come on and update and ifnu need to talk, type away! I can even give u my cell # through PM so u can text me if you want to talk hun, ok? So just msg me if u want my number! Love u!

 

[Jrepp]

Amy - I have read through your posts, and while I don't have much to offer in ideas about Mike perhaps I can offer you some resources for help. Because we are in closer proximity than most of the other ladies on here, Denver Health has an amazing mental health program that you should check out. They offer both inpatient and out patient help to people with depression and thoughts of self harm. I'm sure there are other hospitals around that have similar programs, but after all the stuff I have been through, Denver Health has helped me the most medically. Also, if you are having suicidal thoughts you can always call the suicide prevention hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Metro Crisis center (local) at 1-888-885-1222.

I think that if you are having suicidal thoughts, that you should be seeking out active intervention beyond going to the psychologist. I am so glad that you are seeing a psychologist to work on yourself but I can't help but feel that something more in depth needs to be done. I hope that doesn't sound cold or disheartening! Perhaps if Mike sees you looking for help he will be more - I don't know how to put it - willing..... I don't think that's the right word, but I dont know what word to use.

Either way I wish nothing but happiness for you and I am so sorry you are having to go through this!

 

[Jrepp]

I called and left a message for my doctor to see if she can extend my leave until Tuesday because now the teacher is having issues with me being gone, even though she encouraged me to take the time I need to heal because "they need me at 100%). Plus, I can't be reinstated to work until I turn in my medical clearance, which I haven't turned in yet. I am kind of sick of the double standards to be honest and really want to quit. Hubby says I can't quit unless I find something else to do. Anyone know of some legit work from home opportunities lol.

 

[aidensmommy1]

I finally have dh to myself! idk if O is around but its Bding time! Lol. I'm not opking this cycle, just temping. I did check my cervix today and its med, med, and med. So probably still a few days from O. I have a feeling my old 27-28 day cycle is coming back it was normal up until.dj and I started NTNP originally lol. Its weird how that happens sometimes. Anyways, its good to know we have some testing coming up soon on here! Ill be rooting for you all!!

 

[aidensmommy1]

I called and left a message for my doctor to see if she can extend my leave until Tuesday because now the teacher is having issues with me being gone, even though she encouraged me to take the time I need to heal because "they need me at 100%). Plus, I can't be reinstated to work until I turn in my medical clearance, which I haven't turned in yet. I am kind of sick of the double standards to be honest and really want to quit. Hubby says I can't quit unless I find something else to do. Anyone know of some legit work from home opportunities lol.

go to alpineaccess.com. They're real and I know a couple ppl who make great money from them. Seriously. And they get a medical card which just gets money loaded onto it for you to use for anything medical. You should def check it out. I plan to. I need a desktop computer first tho. That's bull ur coworker did that tho! Ugh. I hope u have some luck w that website!

 

[aidensmommy1]

Jess, I think what u said to Amy was great advice. Its good you knew of some areas near by. I wish nothing but the best for every last one of you girls

 

[confuzion]

Big hugs to you Amy. Truth be told, if I knew your full real name, I would probably seek you out and try to keep you from hurting yourself lol. I am so afraid that you will harm yourself and I won't be able to alert your family or even health professionals of your intentions. Suicide is so not the answer love.

I know the pain of losing a baby. I've lost three. And even though it's heartbreaking, you will survive it, even if it happened again though I hope it doesn't.

You've had such a rough past. I understand that. Not being able to forget. But you can overcome it. You're strong. We are never given more than we can handle. And you Amy, can handle it. With or without Mike.

He doesn't seem like he's being very supportive to you. And is being distant when you need him most. Plus, truth be told, if I found what you found on my husband's computer, it would take a lot for me to learn to trust him again. When trust is compromised in a relationship, it's really tough for things to go back to the way they were.

I know you believe he is the one for you, especially because he's the first person you've been with to treat you well. But you can find someone who treats you even better I PROMISE, if the need should arise.

Also putting the invitation out there, PM me if you ever need to talk.

 

[AmySan]

Jess, the only legit online work I know of is being an online dominatrix, lol - I did it from 18-22 and made a ton of money...but it was hard to pretend to be into it...lol. Niteflirt.com is the site I worked on. Haha!

And thank you both Jess, I am familiar with Denver health..I have been to inpatient at a few places - outpatient programs require you to not work for 3 months, which unfortunately I can't do..of course if I were dead I would not have a job..but..yeah. I will try to reach out more. Especially if something happens with Mike. I have a bad habit of trying to kill myself first, then getting put in those places. I guess if I at least did an inpatient thing for a little bit, it would be shorter. I am almost out of PTO at work and have used every single day for medical purposes

Mary, I wish I had someone like your brother...that is pretty amazing. I honestly thought Mike was like that..but I also didn't know I would have these kinds of problems lately.

And, I want him to get an SA desperately!! Because I have been pregnant before, and even though I am a little bit older, it literally was the first month with my ex that i used OPKs and was pregnant. And they were dollar store ones! So I don't know

I guess you are right, worst case, I would just have to start dating again, and maybe find someone even better. I love him so much though, and truly hope it works out.

I love you girls