Hey girls. Sorry for not keeping up the past few days. I've been pretty down about TTC and just haven't been able to get myself online to check in. The light line on my OPK that I thought might progress to O never did, and now it is gone again.
CD39, 15 days of light, fertile CM. Maybe I'm just skipping this cycle? Last cycle was 42 days with O on 26. So a skipped cycle + the 26 days before O = 68. So maybe I'll O around CD68? I'm I haven't O'd or gotten AF by CD 90 (more than enough time foe two cycles) I'm heading to the doctor. This is getting ridiculous.
I don't know what is causing this. I'm guessing time of year + weight gain. I had been so good about losing weight last year. Went from 212.5 down to 172, but leading up t my wedding I got of my diet for a couple months- and then the month after was filled with trips... by the end of it I was back u to around 210. I haven't gained any weight since then, but when I was down in the 170's I was consistently O'ing on CD 17-20. And now this.
I really wanted o learn to eat healthy, lose the weight slowly and in a way that I can maintain. But now this? I don't know what is the best way to proceed. I don't know what is the healthiest thing to do. I'm so angry at myself for gaining all the weight back. I've been yo-yo dieting for over a decade and right now I weight the EXACT same thing I weighed 13 years ago.
Until I quit smoking in 2010 I had remained under 165 for 3 years. I had been doing SO WELL. Then DH convinced me to quit smoking, and I agreed because it seemed like a good idea because we had been talking about having kids someday. When I quit I went from 150 to 195 IN 3 MONTHS! Then gained ANOTHER 20 pounds over the next three months. THat's 65 lbs from quitting smoking.
And here is the kicker- EVERYONE IS SO PROUD OF ME! WTF??????
I've compared the risks of how much I was smoking vs the risks of how obese I am and GET THIS: It would have been healthier for me to be smoking. Yet everyone is constantly saying how wonderful it is. I am so friggin sick of it. I used to exercise all the time, I was an avid hiker, I did parkour, I LOVED my life. And now I cant do any of those things.
I've had a bad ankle because of a jogging-related injury for several years now, but when I was lighter it wasn't too bad. Now that I'm heavy, I literally cannot exercise on that ankle without potentially severely damaging it. I can't jog, I can't hike, I can't ice skate- I can't do any of the things I love to do. and without being able to exercise, I don't know how to lose weight.
PLEASE- someone explain to me why everyone keeps telling me how wonderful it is I don't smoke anymore???
Did you know that doctors are just now beginning to recommend that women hold off on quitting smoking until they are their IDEAL weight and have a completely regimented diet put in place? And they're recommending this BECAUSE it turns out that most women actually gain so much weight when they quit smoking that they are actually much more unhealthy after they quit!!!!
OMG- I hate not being able to do anything. I miss my life so much. And quite frankly, I wish I had waited to quit. I AM happy I don't smoke anymore. That is definitely good. But all the bad that has come along with it has gotten me so completely depressed. I went from a size 10 to a size 20. I went from being 20-25 lbs over my ideal weight to being 85-90 bs over my ideal weight.
WHY DID EVERYONE HAVE TO KEEP PUSHING ME TO QUIT SMOKING WHEN I WASN'T READY??? Why couldn't they listen to me when I said I really wanted to get in shape first? Why couldn't they wait until I had the resources to deal with quitting smoking in a healthier way? Why did my husband allow me to eat and eat and eat to cope with quitting? Why did he have to keep taking me to unhealthy restaurants and buy me super unhealthy food???
The first couple months after I quit smoking I had absolutely NO control over my diet. I was so out of it. So just trying to COPE with kicking the addiction. And my DH's SOLUTION? FEED ME. Feed me JUNK FOOD. I asked him later why he did it and he said becuase I was so upset all the time and it was the only thing he could to to make my happy. It was over TWO months of nachos, cake, brownies, pizza, just every kind of JUNK FOOD you can think of.
I NEVER EVER, EVER eat like that, but hat is what I ate. I gained 25 lbs in the first TWO WEEKS. I got stretch marks all over my stomach- which i had NEVER had before. And he didn't hold me back. And he didn't try to get me help. He ENCOURAGED it.
At one point I remember telling him he needed to stop buying such unhealthy things for me when he went to the store. I begged him to just STOP making brownies because I KNEW I could not control myself around them. Food had become my replacement for smoking, Every time I wanted a smoke (which was about 30 times a day!) I ate instead. And even after I begged him to stop. HE KEPT DOING IT! And he STILL thinks what he did was find because he feels like that's how he HELPED me to quit smoking.
By the time I fully worked through the addiction, by the time I finally got a hold of myself again and regained my senses, by the time I could actually comprehend how much food I was shoving in my face- I had gone from 148 to 213 pounds.
I'm so angry at him. I blame him. And by god I want a cigarette and have wanted one for 19 months now.
The only reason I haven't picked one back up again at this point, as ANGRY as I am is because if I do smoke I will just be fat AND killing myself with cigarettes. it won't make the weight go away. It won't get me back to who I was. (And who I was was a lot better of a person- I STILL have not learned to regulate my emotions without nicotine. There are holes in the wall and broken windows because I just can't find a way to calm myself when I get upset. Mind you the brain does not stop developing until around 25 years old and I started smoking when I was 15- nicotine was an integral part to how my brain developed and without it- I just don't feel like myself anymore.)
But there is such a stigma around being a smoker.
And apparently it is better for my so be severely obese, depressed, angry, unable to participate in the activities I love... Apparently it is completely OKAY that I hate who I have become. Because being a NON-SMOKER is "worth it". Because it is not socially acceptable to smoke. Because smoking is disgusting and dirty.
And to make EVERYONE ELSE feel better about life... To make sure everyone else wants to be around me... To not be treated like a leper- it is better that I live this life I now have. Because as upset, overweight, unhealthy, depressed, angry, and out of control I am/feel- it's better than being to;d day after day that BECAUSE OF CIGARETTE, I just wasn't good enough, smart enough, "healthy" enough, ACCEPTABLE enough.
I wish I could take it back.
I wish I could go back to the day I quit smoking and tell that "me" what I know.
I would tell her to stop worrying about what everyone else is saying. i would assure her that WHEN SHE IS READY she'll be able to quit. That she is strong, and smart, and wonderful. That she CAN lose those last 25 pounds. That she CAN learn to eat healthy. I would tell her that her eating problems are caused by PMDD and I would tell her how to treat it. I would tell her how much she'll love yoga once she tries it. I would help her to get the skills she needs to REALLY cope with quitting smoking.
Because what everyone pushed her to do she was not ready for- I was not ready for.
And had everyone just given me the space to make my own decisions in my own time without threatening to abandon me- well, maybe I would have done it my way.
I always wanted to quit smoking, but I always wanted to do it on my own terms. I always wanted to be 100% healthy first.
I did not want to give up all the things I love. I did not want to lose myself. I look in the mirror ad the person staring back at me is someone I do not know. I do not recognize her. I do not LIKE the person I have become. And I can't get "me" back. And I am lost and I am confused and I am so, so terribly unhappy with it all.
And I cannot tell my family. I cannot tell my friends. Because all they will say is that "someday" I will realize that this is all "worth it".
But I have to say it to someone, and you ladies are the only ones who I can actually say this to:
NO. It is NOT worth it. This ongoing HELL is not worth it. I might have smelled icky before. I might have been doing some damage to my lungs and spending some money I did not have to spend- but I LOVED who I was. I was HAPPY. I was strong and fit and active. I went hiking and jogging and I played laser tag and did parkour with my friends. I could fit into clothes I liked. I could walk up a flight of stairs without getting winded. I could LIVE MY LIFE. Maybe the smoking thing was a turn off. Maybe I wasn't 100% PERFECT, but
I liked me.
I enjoyed living my life. Maybe THEY didnt like who I looked like from the outside. But I LOVED who I was from the inside.
I would have quit smoking eventually. Most smokers do not actually want to be smokers for the rest of their lives. But by god, people didn't have to push me so. My DH didn't have to act like he would be able to marry me if I kept smoking.
Any other thing I did, had people treated me so incredibly shitty about- I would have told them to mind their own business.
but because smoking is so drilled into people to be this disgusting habit, this thing that it is OKAY to treat people like shit over, it never even occurred to me that the way people were treating wasn't right. I just thought- these folks are right, I'm so screwed up.
And eventually people broke me down and made me feel shitty enough about myself that I gave up the cigarettes. before I was ready. Before I could get the other things don that I wanted to do first.
I am so angry. So bitter. And I blame them. And I blame my husband.
And I don't know what to do.
I want my life back and there is nothing I can do to get it.
I'm sorry for the rant. I just have no one else to talk to about this. I really, really appreciate you all being here and letting me get this off my chest.
))
) I start mine later now as I've figured out I have a short LP.
! Sorry I nearly missed you hiding away there in between posts!
it totally sucks.
and you'll catch the egg eventually!
