Sorry ladies, this may be a long one.
DH:
I feel bad ranting about you because
I love you. I really, really do. But my God, you are really pushing my buttons at the moment.
- You loved playing the doting Dad when she was first born and I couldn't do much due to my episiotomy splitting open and becoming infected andbeing in A LOT of pain from that and BFing, but the novelty is wearing off now you're back at work isn't it?
- Yes, she screams a lot. More than you probably expected. But don't expect her to stop after 5 minutes of bopping her up and down and then hand her back to me looking all distressed and upset, making me have to tiptoe around you afterwards. I've had it ALL day, ALL night the night before, and guess what; I'll have it ALL NIGHT again. I get that you've been at work, but you're at a computer all day and with men who are your friends, I've been with no-one but her!
- Every time she's crying, don't just say "she's hungry" and hand her back. Sometimes, she is. But if I've JUST fed her, twice or maybe three times, she's NOT still hungry. Oh look, she's just vomited on you. No, she's not hungry. Try giving her the dummy as she may just want to suck on something. STOP SAYING SHE'S HUNGRY, she just wants some attention! If you think she's that hungry, why don't you offer her a bottle of my expressed milk? No? TOO much effort? It's just too much that's she's crying on you and you want to give her back? AGH!
- When she cries in the night, generally I will get up and see to her as you have to be at work in the morning. But it wouldn't kill you to help once in a while. Or not to make a giant fuss by huffing if I do ask for help. Or not to tut and roll over if me getting comfortable to BF our daughter wakes you up. Or try not to snore really loud while I'm struggling to keep my eyes open and am leaking milk all over the bed because LO is being fussy at the breast yet again. Or, if I ask you to rock her to sleep because I've done it night after night after night and would like you to do it ONCE, don't say you "don't know how to do it" and huff and puff about it, then spend 5 minutes doing it and moan it's not working so lay down with her swaddles on you.. SHE WONT SLEEP LIKE THAT, I said she needed to be rocked for a reason, because of you undoing all of my work we're now going to be up for another f*cking hour! (well I say "we" ... You'll hold the hairdryer [it helps LO drift off] and fall asleep while I'm standing up rocking LO to sleep YET AGAIN.
- If, on the off-chance, she does fall asleep on you, for the last time DON'T be so quick to put her down or she WILL wake up again! Wait a while, then do it slowly!
- I don't give a crap about the new surround system you want to waste your money on even though our current one is perfectly serviceable. Stop talking about it every 5 seconds of the day!
- PUT YOUR F*CKING PHONE DOWN! Checking your work emails on apternity leave was bad enough, but you always seem to have some crappy excuse as to why you're attached to the bloody thing!! I can't get a word out of you, you always seem to just go "err yeah" when I ask you anything, and that's after having to repeat myself once or twice!
- If it's not the phone then it's the laptop.. SERIOUSLY, YOU HAVE A FAMILY!
- Thanks for making breakfast this morning, it really is appreciated. But fid you have to spend the rest of the morning moaning that you're tired (which you've been doing for days.. YOU DON'T KNOW THE MEANING OF TIRED!) and just generally stomping around? And not answering me when I try and ask you a question (you've been doing this for days as well)? You make me feel like I have to walk on eggshells around you, and I shouldn't have to do that in MY own home. I had enough of that when I lived with Mum and evil stepdad, and when I lived with my abusive ex. I should NOT need to keep doing it in MY house. I miss you when you're gone, but when you're home I find myself wishing you were still at work because I am struggling to cope with you at the moment.
- We were supposed to be going into town with LO so I could get a nursing bra that fits, and maybe some breastfeeding tops. But all I want to do is go back to bed and cry. Since you added a bunch of things to the list that you want to do (get your hair cut, go to Costco and Richer Sounds to look at more surround sound systems) then just go and do them on your own please? I can't face going anywhere. (Oh, you've JUST noticed I'm upset and offered me to go out on my own. There isn't enough expressed milk here, ands eeing how stressed and impatient you've been with her recently I don't want to leave her here. Yes I'm aware there's formula in the cupboard, but that's for emergencies).
- Ending DH rant on a lighter note.. Thank you for my camera. It's stupidly expensive, but it's lovely. And I'm sorry I don't always seem to appreciate when you do nice things for me, but it's hard at the moment when you (seemingly unknowlingly) upset me to much at the moment. It's our first wedding anniversary next weekend and I really want to be excited about it. Please just try a bit harder so I will want to make an effort for it, even if we are visiting my family to introduce the baby to them that weekend. I also try not to think bad things about you, or let you leave the house on an argument, because I'll never forgive myself if something were to happen to you and our last thoughts/words to each other were nasty
LO:
- I love you so much it hurts. I breaks my heart when you're crying.
To (evil) Nanna:
- Who rings someone up with the opening line "So how's your marriage? How is it
really?"
- Yes, we changed from a home birth to a hospital birth at the last minute, and we didn't tell you for a reason. We said to people we didn't want people to know when I was in labour either, and we knew you'd be calling the hospital if we didn't keep you updated, so we kept it to ourselves and just text everyone when the baby was born instead (like we'd told you we would a million times). Was it necessary to ring the house phone the next day and leave a message saying that you were annoyed that you'd found out through someone else that I'd given birth at the hospital? And obviously you wanted to be the first one to try and speak to me after the birth.. Don't act like you were worried; DH and I have mobiles that you could've called/text after the baby was born to ask if everything was okay. As a matter of fact, we ASKED family numerous times to NOT ring the home phone after the baby was born without texting/ringing one of our mobiles first in case we're asleep, and you went and did the exact opposite as per usual.
- I love the fact you were convinced LO was a boy, and even bought one or two blue things to solidify that fact. It was infuriating throughout the pregnancy when you were trying to get the sex out of us though.
- I love the fact you are annoyed that LOs first middle name is my other Nans name. I don't like the fact you rung her up and was rude to her about it though, even if it was passive-aggressive.
- Yes, I am still breastfeeding (despite it being demanding and very painful). Don't ask me twice in the same conversation as if you're trying to work out if I've failed yet.
- No, I haven't got a routine established yet. LO is a few weeks old. You've asked me this every time you've rung me, and said it in a smug way of "Oh but YOU SAID that you were DEFINITELY doing to have a routine in place..!!" trying to make me look like a failure. She's a BF baby with a stomach the size of a marble; it's not phsyically possible to have a routine in place just yet, for the last time!!
- Why would you ring me up teh other day and go "how's the weight?" WHY are you so obsessed with weight? You and Dad told me I was fat when I was a size 12. I weigh less than I did pre-pregnancy thans to horrific morning sickness. I was in pre-preg clothes the day after the birth. I am now in pre-preg size 10 jeans. Not that I need to justify that to you; who cares how much I weigh? My baby's health is more important!!
That's all I can think of for now.. DH is chatting away in the background about surround-sound systems again so I can't think straight.
. I thought I'd have an evening without hearing you snore and now it's still disrupting my night!
I wanted to scream! Lol
I feel your pain. What to do tho?
Although it's made me get a bit weepy now.. I need a lie down 
to all of you going through it now.
