Hi everybody! How are you all??? Just wondered whether all the ones who have been trying to get pregnant since FOREVER ever have moments when they feel that they just want to give up??? Everything is a battle, doors are closed in your face more often than opened, and the stress of the research and the unknown aspect of it all, is just so overwhelming...
I am seriously getting my head more and more around the idea that it is just not meant to be for me. I just think that I'm one of the statistics that just couldn't get preggers, and everybody knows one of those, 'bless her heart.'
It is so hard. I found out by following another girl's cycle at ARGC that the cycle cost £12000 FOR ONE cycle of IVF. OMG! Who on earth can aford that?? I can't afford to sell my house to pay for that for a BFN! To be left with nothing. IVF Wales-get in touch in January. Grr. My clinic-bless you, it's your eggs dear. Get used to it. IUI-blinking disaster. IVF-even more of a blinking disaster and £5000 down the pan.
Sorry to be so doom and gloom, but I'm watching my life slip by so focused on this one little thing, which is so fundamentally huge, and getting nowhere fast, it is just nuts, when you think about it.
It's basically all about the haves and have nots, and if, like my brother who HAS and has more than enough money to fund his fiancee's treatment, then you're laughing. If you are a have not, then it's 'tough, you just haven't got the money love, this means no kids.' How is that fair?????
Oh dear, I'm going to go and sort myself out before my next class arrives-I'm just overwhelmed and exhausted by it all.
Sorry sorry sorry guys!
Oh, and FM if you're reading, GOOD LUCK!! I am sooooooo rooting for you, hun!
ALL THE TIME. You are SO not alone on this. My pendulum swings so widely it'll knock you out if you get too close to it - from I'm so done with all this (angry) to this is never going to work (despondent) to omg I think I'm pregnant (delusional), moving through each at least once a week.... It's a nightmare. It's cruel and unfair and there is no rhyme or reason to it whatsoever.
This is the #1 reason I would happily pay my counselor 1000x more than I already do - infertility counseling is absolutely worth every penny. She is my sounding board. She understands all this and can help me gauge what's real and what's coming from a place of fear or sadness. One of the suggestions she's given me that's been really helpful is to color-code my journal. (I was NEVER a journaler before infertility - I started after my first mc as a way to help get all the upsetting feelings out of me - by writing them down, I felt like I didn't need to carry them around anymore.) She suggested I write in green on "good" days and in red on "bad" days, black for neutral days (or off-topic stuff). The color even changes from one paragraph to the next on the same day. That way, when I am feeling doubtful, I can look back and tell at a glance what my overarching feeling has been on the subject for a while, whether I see more red or more green. Similarly, if you're not a journaler, she suggested taking a calendar and marking it with a red X or a green X at the end of the day, depending on how you've felt that day. It's really hard to determine how you really feel about the subject while you're still in the thick of things, and the whole red/green thing just helps me examine my feelings from a slightly more objective standpoint.
If you're a reader, a good book that actually really explores the decision to stop trying after infertility is Sweet Grapes. It's written by a couple who made the choice to live child-free after years of infertility. Most infertility books only give lip service to the option of getting off the merry-go-round and don't really explore it with honesty and truth, but this one focuses mostly on the choice to stop. It may help you decide if stopping is what you really want.
All that said, though, I think it's really important that you really take the time to fully grieve this failed IVF cycle before making a decision about what to do next. It's been a terrible blow, and it's not something that anyone can just snap back from. You put a tremendous amount of your heart and soul and hope into that one cycle, not to mention a tremendous amount of money, and it did not end the way you wanted it to (the way we ALL wanted it to). You were not even given the opportunity to complete the whole process. And that's a terrible loss that needs to be respected. Any decision you make about future treatment (or not) while you're still grieving this cycle is going to be clouded by your grief.
As for watching your life slip by while working toward this one goal, I know exactly what you mean. It's something we've been working really hard on together (with the help of my trusty counselor!). Infertility takes over your whole life before you even realize it, and it's hard to reclaim your life. On that front, another helpful tool my counselor has given us is the nightly "baby talk." Choose a spot in your house that never gets used for anything else. For us it's the formal dining room - why do houses even have them?! A guest room would work as well. You want it to be in a rarely-used spot each time so that you don't have to associate your den or bed or somewhere comfortable and happy with the baby talks, and you want the baby talks to be in the same place and at the same time each night so that you and your DH don't have to worry about the topic springing up at some unexpected moment and catching you off guard. So, now that you have chosen your spot and your appointed time, set a kitchen timer for 5 or 10 minutes. You get that amount of time to say anything baby-related that you want to say - how you're feeling that day. And when the timer goes off, you're done and it's your DH's turn - he gets that same amount of time to talk about how he's feeling that day. (We actually take turns starting, so it's not always me going first.) Some days it will be over very quickly because you will sit down and say, "I have nothing to say today!" Some days you might need longer than 10 minutes. The point is just to give yourselves an appointed time to talk about it each day - knowing that baby talk time is coming frees my mind from thinking about it ALL the time - I know we'll have an opportunity to talk about it later, so I don't have to be anxious wondering how I'll bring up the topic tonight. You don't have to have a baby talk every night - it gets tedious if you try - but aim for 4-5 nights each week. The talks have had a pretty dramatic impact on our relationship. DH has a much better understanding of how all-encompassing this is for me. I have a reassurance that I'm not the only one obsessing over this. When one of us opens up about a totally irrational crazy thought we've had about a cycle or something, we are ALWAYS amazed that the other one has had the same thought before! It's always nice to know you're not crazy, and to realize your partner is just as worried as you are. It has really helped both of us to feel less isolated. And DH no longer has to worry that I'm going to ambush him over breakfast about something I'm freaking out over.
And as for the cost of someone else's treatment cycle - ignore it. Every cycle is individually tailored to each patient/couple. No two treatment cycles are the same. Between different diagnoses, different drugs, different responses, different drs, different training, different philosophies, different labs, etc, there are millions of possible permutations. The fact that one woman's cycle cost GBP 12k doesn't mean squat with regards to YOU. You are not her. Your cycle is not her cycle. Don't let her cost frighten you away from getting more information about YOU. And don't think of your GBP 5000 spent as waste - it was spent on diagnostics. You and your drs learned lots of things in that cycle - how your ovaries responded to that particular drug at that particular dose, how your DH's sperm acted in the lab, etc - and that knowledge can be applied to another cycle, improving your chances on the next cycle because you're not starting at square one.
Choosing to stop treatment is a valid choice. Just be sure it's one made out of clear, level-headed thinking and not one made out of fear or sadness. Make sure it's an informed "no", and save yourself from future doubt and regret.
Big, big, huge squeezy hugs to you. The kind that make you grunt because you can't breathe. You are a wonderful woman and a dedicated teacher and a dear friend, and you are special to all of us here, so take care of yourself - be kind to yourself - you deserve it.
xoxoxoxo
The way my dr explained it is that AMH gives a long-term outlook in terms of ovarian reserve, while FSH is a predictor of short-term (near future) ovarian response. So I have to think you have a great shot at a good response. 
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