TTC 1st child 35+ (Please spoiler any PG news/announcements).

[lavalux]

FM,
I fully support you in your decision to pursue adoption. One of my best friends was adopted as a newborn and another close co-worker who had tried with his wife for 4 years with numerous fertility treatments and m/cs just brought home a baby boy from Utah last month and they are SO SO happy! They hired a consultant to help them navigate the process and they highly recommend it. They were matched just 3 months after submitting their applications. Would you like me to get the woman's name for you?

Missyt,
I hate that you are not where you want to be after your 1 year BnB anniversary, but I thank God that I met you through this site and am so hopeful that this time next year you will be on the graduates thread.

Purple,
Hugs to you with what you are going through with you are family, but it sounds like you are putting together a plan for your dad's treatment & move.

Hi to everyone else!

 

[missyt]

FM, I think adoption is a wonderful idea. Lately I've been thinking that this 2nd IVF attempt will be my limit. My SIL and brother used a consultant as well to get their baby. It helped out a lot and they were matched with their birth mother fairly quickly. I remember them telling us in July they were going to adopt and in January they brought their daughter home from the hospital 3 days later.

Butterfly and Lava, thanks for the encouraging words. It means a lot.

AFM, I'm feeling a slight anxiety over seeing my RE tomorrow. Like I said, I just don't feel comfortable with him. I already signed up for a Tai Chi class tomorrow night so I can expel all his negative energy.

 

[Dwrgi]

FM-I am sending you a HUGE hug as this business is just the pits. You and I have been trying for around about the same time, and I understand completely how you feel. There is only so much prodding that a girl can take and the worst part about it all, is that there are still no guarantees, regardless of how much money you throw at treatments, or how many tests you have done. We have no control over it at all. I think you will be a fantastic mother, be it to your own biological child or not. Please let us know how you are getting on and what we can do to support you through this time. I am thinking of you and am so proud of the strength that you have shown throughout all of this. You are a complete star!

I made a few enquiries into adoption myself a few weeks ago, and was told that, considering my age and my OH's age, the youngest child we could adopt would be a 3 year old. That doesn't matter to me, though everybody hopes to have a baby, there is something magical about them (as my sweet Best Friend told me last week, without realising the import of her words!! Ooops!).

Anyway, good luck! Am thinking of you, and sending huge hugs and kisses!
xxxx

Missy-PLEASE don't worry about your appointment. Don't go ahead of worry-take control of the situation. Decide that you are going to say, very nicely, that you have been apprehensive about the appointment and explain why. Put the ball back in his court, and if there are still problems, then ask for another consultant. It's not worth the additional worry.

There's a woman on a local thread that I use (it's a thread for women cycling at the clinic I used), who had 4 IVFs and all resulted in BFNs. Don't want to put you off. But she then had immunology tests, and they found a clotting issue which made it impossible for her embryos to implant. Anyway, she's had all sorts of drugs, and womb relaxants and has just announced a BFP. I really believe that 'unexplained' means that we need to pursue further investigations. We could throw thousands of pounds on cycle after cycle, and end up with the same BIG FAT NOTHING because of one issue which will make it impossibe for implanatation, etc. To me, it's a no-brainer, but even my clinic (super modern, etc.) are dragging their heels about immunology tests.

I suppose what I'm saying is that there is a reason that perfectly healthy embryos don't implant, and isn't it worth finding out why that is, rather than being told, 'just one of those things.' I hope I haven't stirred up a hornet's nest!

Good luck to you at your appointment-let's hope he is worth this money this time, and that he gives you some answers, because it sounds as if everything went perfectly to plan first time round with you!

Will be thinking of you,
Axxxx

Hello everybody else!! Hope you're all okay?

 

[skye2010]

Hi Girls,
Welcome MTBIM, hope you're stay with us is short and sweet. As for reading the whole thread that is very dilligent ! Although some of the hardworking ladies here did manage to backread all the posts, that was a while ago and there is probably 500 pages more to go. LOL!!!! )

Amanda xxx thanx so much for all your sisterly concern and advice I feel a lot better now That appt did the trick and once the scare of bleeding lifted off my head I stopped being too ginger about any activity which is a big releif ) Woow you guys already have the snow? The weather here is surprisingly still mild. Last year this time it was already freezing cold. Did you actually decide on a IVF place and time (sorry i think I missed that) Good that you have a plan cause that's better than being in a limbo. And you know what, really weird I saw you in my dream sort of. I guess I sew the this thread but we were all talking instead of being in cyber world. And I remember chatting to you face to face. Apparently I had met Alun and I was saying to you "He is a really good guy' Isn't that funny?

Butterfly I loved your "Emptybin" quick witt )) I'm glad you are happy with the move and you managed to try this month. Fingers toes crossed. xx

Dodger I always wonder if the BMI issue is sthg that NHS in UK over-exaggerates just to eliminate their tx costs. Cause I know a lot of women who did get pregnant on high BMI's. I know this girl who was obese, she went on a massive diet (weight watchers or sthg similar) and she lost a lot of weight. But she was still quite overweight when she became prego in first attempt and piled back all the weight loss munching on a unhealthy diet while pregnant. Result a completely normal and natural delivery??? Dunno if that's pure luck or infertility is just tough luck for some. Anyway good luck for this month xx

Purple I'm so glad your parents are going ahead with the move cause that will be so much more convenient for both of you. Instead of being away and worrying you can just pop in and be there for them. Also great that your dad can be transferred to a good hospital with friendly staff. Hope chemo works well. My prayers are with you and your parents xxx

FM Woow you finally made a decision and moving fwd. I'm so excited for you )) Pls update as you go along. Are you planning to adopt a baby or a toddler. )) Good luck sweetie, I hope you would have a easy and short process and you could have a early 2012 baby )

Missy, I am a little suspicious of your clinic too. They signed you on without any hesitation and promised your money back. But after the egg production they pulled out. That is really unfair, they didn't fullfill the promise they gave you. I think it looks like they are not so confidant in what they do. If the other clinic has significantly better results it really is worth you consider the other one. You can change the consultant but if their system is not so sharp all the staff might be less on the ball. Good luck sweetie. I so much hope that your next one would bring you your much deserved baby. xx

Northstar how is everything Where are you at with NHS appts right now. Hope your ovulation hits the Xmass holidays

Laura xxx Not much to go untill the break Yeeeaaaah!!! I will drop into the other thread soon. I bet the girls there was wondering by now too. Why don't you have a ticker. I keep forgetting if you have a melon or a squash by now hahahahahah!!!!

New Girls, loads of good luck xxxx

 

[skye2010]

Amanda, did you find anywhere near by which could carry immunology tests for you? It is a long list of blood work and I thought not many places do it. That's great if you can get done where you are. There is a list of the blood work somewhere on fertility friends, I could dig it up for you if you fancy seeing it. Funny you mentioned the clotting problem, I used blood thinners starting from the egg collection till they found out about placenta. Otherwise I would have used it untill 3rd trimester. My dr prescribes it to everyone as a precaution so I guess there must be a link between mcs/infertility and clotting issues. I also used muscle relaxant for uterine muscles from the collection untill the pregnancy was determined so that the tummy muscles don't reject the baby.
Where did this woman get her tx? Any chance you could go that route?

 

[lavalux]

Skye, I have a little ticker that counts down weeks, but don't have the one you mention with the fruit/veggies b/c I couldn't find it on Lilypie. I am glad you are starting to feel less anxious. You will be fine. I am hoping that everything goes really smoothly for you

Good advice to Missyt about the clinic. The process is stressful enough without having full faith in your clinic & RE. Not every cycle will work b/c these treatments are both art & science, but there are answers out there & different things to try. On the cycle that me got pg, even though it was just an IUI, I forcefully requested a different medication, a later trigger date, I argued with the nurse when she tried to get me off the table as I lay there for a full 15 minutes following the insemination, and I refused to see one of the REs at the clinic even though he had an impressive CV & success rate because he had the worst bedside manner and rushed through the previous procedure. I needed to be very involved on the process. I had researched the IVF & donor IVF & mapped out a plan. And if the clinic didn't like it or I offended one of the doctors, too bad ... you are paying them lots of money!!

AFM,
Just trying to take each day at a time in the hopes I get to January with these babies. There is much to do, but I can't do it all. Very little social going on for me this year but that will be ok temporarily. I am trying to get DH out of the house with his friends to de-stress. Otherwise, he stresses me out. We really need to have another conversation about finances & budget but I know it will result in a row so I've been letting DH avoid the topic but we have to plan together in advance not just wing it. It is not a pleasant topic for me either but I'd feel better hashing it all out, but my DH really struggles when we deal with money issues. The sad fact is we have debt to pay off before we can move to a bigger place, but if I am going to go back to work once my maternity leave ends, we need childcare.and that costs lots of $$$. It is going to have to come from somewhere and it means cutting back other expenses. I can't do this without us being a team.

One of my best friends is 34 weeks pg, just got married, lost her dad in Oct, and just told me that her mom is on life support in the ICU after a 6 year battle with ovarian cancer. Her mom will die this week. She will be moving into her suburban childhood home in Chicago & never have to work, but I would never trade with her. I can't even imagine the stress she is under and I feel helpless b/c she is so far away. I can't even give her a hug.

 

[purplelou]

FM - so good to "see " you! I think making the decision to adopt is wonderful news. How exciting for you and your DH. your child/ren will be so lucky to have parents who wanted him/her so much

Missy - good luck for your appointment. keep in mind you are paying for this doctors service, and that he needs to treat you with respect and compassion, and remind if he needs it!!

Dwrgi - how was yesterady for you, with the strike?? I thought about you at lunchtime - (as directed by my crappy union!) I hope you managed to have a nice day xxx

HA - hope you are ok - I am thinking about you and your family and hoping you enjoyed the holidays xxxx

Skye - did you go the meeting with other mums to be yet?? I hope you are feeling less anxious about everything

Lava - I can't believe you are almost 30 weeks!! time seems to have flown, although Im sure not for you! you'll be meeting those lovely twinnies so soon x

Butterfly - how are you doing?? are you still looking into DS?

twinkle - how're those facial muscles holding up? I hope they have been rested since your marathon award winning smile-fest last weekend

wooly - are you there?? are you ok??

Northstar - did you get that puppy yet??

madeline & mommytobeisme - and to anyone Ive missed

pad big loves to you xx

big loves and to everyone xxx

afm - nothing to report, CD 3 or 4 (depending on if you believe CBFM or FF - or maybe that's just my rubbish understanding of charting etc) we are going for a weekend away on the 9th (we were going to cancel but my mum insisted we still go as it's before they move here and will give us a break) so DH will get a bit of a relax before all the timed starts again (bless him) - ttc is soooo romantic isn't it!! lol

 

[Dwrgi]

Amanda, did you find anywhere near by which could carry immunology tests for you? It is a long list of blood work and I thought not many places do it. That's great if you can get done where you are. There is a list of the blood work somewhere on fertility friends, I could dig it up for you if you fancy seeing it. Funny you mentioned the clotting problem, I used blood thinners starting from the egg collection till they found out about placenta. Otherwise I would have used it untill 3rd trimester. My dr prescribes it to everyone as a precaution so I guess there must be a link between mcs/infertility and clotting issues. I also used muscle relaxant for uterine muscles from the collection untill the pregnancy was determined so that the tummy muscles don't reject the baby.
Where did this woman get her tx? Any chance you could go that route?

Hello! Good to hear from you and so glad that you're feeling a little bit less anxious. Just remember to chillax baby!!! How strange that you dreamt about Alun-I'm glad that your dream told you he was a good guy!!!

The clinic where I had my treatment does the immunology testing and sends them to Chicago. They don't have the expertise to decipher the test results, so you then have to make an appointment with Dr Gorky in London. My friend did this, and started her new cycle straight away at the clinic that I used (she thinks they are fab) and it's been successful.

For me, it's frustrating that I didn't get past EC as all of this (blood clotting, etc.) is purely theoretical, but I know that I haven't been able to conceive in four years, apart from one fleeting pregnancy that was hardly worth taking about as it mc/d so early. I'd love to know whether A and I manage to conceive bit it doesn't implant. Is the problem with fertilization, implantation, etc.

Anyway, they do Level 1 and Level 2 tests there. Here they are. What do you think? Worth having them done??

Soooooooooooooooo tired today-CD3 and perod is almost over. Hooray! Can't wait until the holidays now-just been so busy and I need to sleep!! How are you doing now anyway hun? Thinking of you and sending you lots of love and hugs!
Axxxxxxx



Level 1 Tests

Coagulation screen £30
Thrombophilia screen
(Protein C, Protein S, AntiThrombin III, Leiden Factor V) £180
MTHFR £75
Thyroid function test £35
Lupus Anticoagulant £50
Anticardiolipin Antibodies £60


Level 2 Tests

Natural Killer (NK) cell assay panel £350*
TH1/TH2 cytokine ratio £295*
Leucocyte Antibody Detection (LAD) (blood also required from partner). Price includes testing of both partners. £250*
DQ Alpha Antigen (blood also required from partner). Price includes testing of both partners. £200

Natural Killer (NK) endometrial biopsy
£395


Immunotherapies CRGW is offering intralipid infusions for the treatment of immunological problems

Intralipid 20% 100mls (IV Drip)
£250

 

[Dwrgi]

Thanks Purple! Getting a weekend away sounds like a very good idea-I hope you manage to have a nice time together, so that you feel more like DTD when the time comes!

I went on the march in Cardiff and then a meal in a pub in Pontcanna, so it was lovely. I had Chicken Y Fenni, which was chicken in cheese sauce made with Y Fenni cheese (a cheddar with wholegrain mustard). It was lush a doo! A had steak and ale pie, which also looked pretty lush! To get to the march, we had to walk through the park behind the castle, and found that the gates were locked (gatekeepers on strike!). So, A and I had to clamber over an 8 foot high wrought iron gate to get to the assembled horde (I very smugly noted that I did a better job than Mr Super Fit himself!).

Thanks for asking-you are the most thoughtful person that I know! I hope you get a Xmas baby to cheer everybody up!

Lots of love,
AXX

 

[lavalux]

Purple & Dwrgi,
We cross posted I think but I just wanted to say I hope you can enjoy some restful quiet time in the next few weeks. I know the holidays and family can be wonderful but.draining so take some time just for you and your lovely husbands.

 

[purplelou]

thanks Dwrgi, I am praying that all of us get that BFP for Christmas!! I know Im not an expert but I recognise almost all of those tests in the level 1 screen - and I had them done at my local hospital. thyroid function - your GP can do (it might be worth telling him you feel a bit tired and lacking in energy then he would likely do a full blood count and thyroid levels :wink but cardiolipin and lupus anticoag and thrombophilia were done locally (this was because I'd had a previous episode of chest pain and they tested me then (aged 30) and I had a positive lupus anticog result, so they said if I got pregnant to be retested - luckily negative but I saw all those tests requested on the forms.

I don't know how that helps, but maybe some of those tests can be arranged more cheaply on NHS?????

 

[lorr1911]

Hi just wanted to offer you ladies support, i had 4 miscarriages in the last 2 and half years to get here,but am now due in 8 weeks so there is hope dont give up,good luck and lots and lots of babydust xxxxxx

 

[missyt]

Girls, I think you are all right. I need to stand up to this doctor. I remember my first consultation with him he told me that they could help 99% of couples. And after each failed IUI he kept pushing for IVF because he was saying the chances were better. At the IVF consultation before I started this cycle he told me based on my numbers I had a 41% success rate. Then they did the AMH test and that was when he told me they could drop me at from the shared risk at any time. So why did he give me a 41% success rate without checking the AMH first if it was so important? I'm really wondering if my tipped uterus has something to do with why my embryos didn't implant. That is why I reasearch mayan massage and I'll give it a shot. Apparently that can put my uterus back in place. And I honestly think I have some emotional baggage from my past that could be mentally blocking me from conceiving. Like my ex husband was verbally abusive and would say anthing to hurt me. He would tell me that I would be a bad mother. And my parents were more encouraging of me having a career and being independent than me getting married and having kids. I remember when my brother was having his kids, my parents seems discouraged about their money situation and how soon it was and how many kids he had, instead of being joyful to be grandparents. I'm working with a therapist to get past those issues. But I don't know, I just might give up on the cycles and move onto adoption if my 2nd one doesn't work. I'm not even all that sure I'm ready to do a 2nd one. This is the first year ever in my life I've not wanted to decorate for Christmas or do anything for the holidays. I haven't even bought any Christmas presents yet and usually I do. I have no desire to put up a tree or send out Christmas cards. I know I need to get out of this funk but its so hard. I had so much hope that I'd have good news for the holidays this year but I don't want to go through another Christmas without a family of my own.

 

[MommyToBeIsMe]

Good luck at your appointment, remember that this is YOUR appointment, you make sure you get the answers you need.

It takes a strong person to see that hurt from the past is affecting the present and to take the necessary steps to heal. You're going to get the family you want. FX'd that it happens very, very soon. ....(like NOW!)

 

[Dwrgi]

Girls, I think you are all right. I need to stand up to this doctor. I remember my first consultation with him he told me that they could help 99% of couples. And after each failed IUI he kept pushing for IVF because he was saying the chances were better. At the IVF consultation before I started this cycle he told me based on my numbers I had a 41% success rate. Then they did the AMH test and that was when he told me they could drop me at from the shared risk at any time. So why did he give me a 41% success rate without checking the AMH first if it was so important? I'm really wondering if my tipped uterus has something to do with why my embryos didn't implant. That is why I reasearch mayan massage and I'll give it a shot. Apparently that can put my uterus back in place. And I honestly think I have some emotional baggage from my past that could be mentally blocking me from conceiving. Like my ex husband was verbally abusive and would say anthing to hurt me. He would tell me that I would be a bad mother. And my parents were more encouraging of me having a career and being independent than me getting married and having kids. I remember when my brother was having his kids, my parents seems discouraged about their money situation and how soon it was and how many kids he had, instead of being joyful to be grandparents. I'm working with a therapist to get past those issues. But I don't know, I just might give up on the cycles and move onto adoption if my 2nd one doesn't work. I'm not even all that sure I'm ready to do a 2nd one. This is the first year ever in my life I've not wanted to decorate for Christmas or do anything for the holidays. I haven't even bought any Christmas presents yet and usually I do. I have no desire to put up a tree or send out Christmas cards. I know I need to get out of this funk but its so hard. I had so much hope that I'd have good news for the holidays this year but I don't want to go through another Christmas without a family of my own.

Missy, how you are feeling is completely NORMAL after a failed IVF cycle. I never thought it would hit me as hard as it did, and I didn't even get to do the dreaded 2WW! Don't beat yourself up-you're feeling low because it didn't work first time round, and you had so many hopes pinned on it, that it is the HUGEST anti-climax in the world when it does not work. No matter how many times we are told that, statistically, we are unlikely to be successful on the first round, a little bit still believes that we will be, as it all feels so right-follicles growing well, scans going to plan, etc. etc. There is nothing to indicate that things won't work. We discipline ourselves to think positively and are intent on only sending out positive thoughts to ourselves. But, when the cycle fails, we are bereft, of course we are. Where is the baby? Where is the positive pregnancy test? It is the pits, it truly is. We have to be so kind to ourselves and grieve for the lost hope and accept it. But, we have to remind ourselves of the statistics that we may need three or even four goes before we get lucky. We have to be so strong as each cycle takes so much out of ourselves, but we have to remember what we really want, and that is to have our own little baby. We can't lose sight of that.

You have only just learnt that you were unsuccessful; you are still experiencing the side effects of some pretty heavy duty drugs. How you are feeling now is completely understandable, and completely normal. You have no control over it. All you can do is to look after yourself, take each day as it comes and try to come to terms, as best you can, with one failed cycle, and find the strength to remember that few people manage to conceive on the first time round. We are not unusual nor is it our fault.

I sooooo feel for you as I went through exactly the same thing. The first 6 weeks after your cycle are the worst as you are all over the place, and a lot of this is to do with the huge amounts of drugs you've had to take. On top of that is the emotional commitment to it, and you can't just switch off your hopes and dreams! Take it easy hun. So what if you haven't got the tree up or haven't bought the presents. In a week's time, you will feel differently, and in one year's time you will have your own baby, I am sure of it-be it in your belly, or in your crib!!

Be kind to yourself, you will get there. You are not alone, I assure you!

Lots and lots of my love to you,
Axxxxx

 

[purplelou]

Oh Missy, I don't have any great words of advice (Dwrgi is much better at that!) and I haven't walked in your shoes, but I wanted to send you a thousand you are a stong person to have gone through what you already have on this journey, you should feel so proud of yourself! be "in charge" of your consultation! big loves xxxx

 

[missyt]

Thanks girls, I'm already writing a list of questions to ask him. They even called today and asked if I could come earlier because they had a cancellation. I was firm and said no. I'm not adjusting mine and DH's schedule anymore than I have to. You girls are great!

Dwrgi, you hit the nail on the head. I am a roller coaster of emotions. I was inconsolable last week. I thought I was getting better and then I had a break down last night. I think its from anxiety about seeing the RE today since I don't feel comfortable with him.

 

[dodgercpkl]

Oh Missy! I want to punch that doctor for you. I don't think he's helping at all! *hugs* I'm wishing for all the best for you.

*hugs* go out also to Mommytobe, Purple, Lava, Dwrgi and anyone else I am missing.

AFM, I'm still getting positive HPT's, so I called my OB this morning and arranged for them to do a quantitative test on the blood from Monday (the test on Monday was a qualitative). My guts telling me that the numbers will show that I'm pregnant and that my hCG levels are just very low level right now. If that's the case, then I'm going to arrange a follow up test for early next week to find out if my hCG levels are increasing and if so, is it at the normal range.

ETA: They just called and I'm going in so they can get a new blood sample - that makes me feel better then using the one from Monday. lol So hopefully I'll have the results by tomorrow. Fingers crossed and lots of prayers please ladies!

 

[HappyAuntie]

Hi ladies - I've just been lurking lately. I kind of feel like I don't have much to say atm - I don't have much to say about us since we're on a ttc break right now, and emotionally I'm in a place where I can't really offer much support to anyone else for a while. I'm still reading every post, though - I love you ladies and I could never leave here permanently.

Thank you all for asking after me, and after my dad. He's doing quite well. They caught the cancer very very early, and even the dr is recommending no treatment at this time... the only available treatments for prostate cancer have devastating effects on quality of life issues (incontinence and impotence are very common), so he recommends another biopsy in 6 months to see if it's advanced at all. As long as it doesn't advance, they aren't going to do anything about it. More and more research is showing that prostate cancer is overdiagnosed these days - many men who are found to have it have such a slow-growing cancer that it is very likely it will never advance or have any negative effects on their health, and it likely would never have been diagnosed if not for the PSA test... then they wind up with horrible side effects from treating a cancer that never would have effected them otherwise... so they are recommending he do nothing for the time being. There was about 6 weeks in between the initial suspicion and the biopsy results, so I had all that time to get used to the realization that my dad has cancer... when the biopsy results came back and the dr recommended no treatment, I was actually quite thrilled that that's "all" it was -it was a huge relief.

Lou, I'm glad your parents are going to go ahead with the move. I had no idea melanoma could recur after so many years. Big big hugs to you.

Missy, I definitely think you need a different RE. This one clearly does not have your best interests at heart. Even if it means having to make the longer drive to the other clinic, I think it's worth it to get away from this bonehead. IVF is one of the most stressful things imaginable, and his sh*tty bedside manner only makes the process more stressful - that is not what you need. I'm glad you're taking some steps to make yourself feel better, just be careful with taking on too much responsibility for something that is out of your control. Even the most positive-minded person can have trouble getting pregnant, and if you see your mindset as a major component of your success, I fear that if your 2nd round also fails, you could wind up blaming yourself even more for something that is ultimately out of your control, iykwim. (Take a minute and read this blog post. It's written by a therapist in Chicago who specializes in infertility counseling and who has been through infertility, IVF and adoption herself. She says all this much better than I can.) The fact that this round did not result in a pregnancy is not your fault in any way, shape or form. It didn't fail because of your issues from your past relationship, and it did not fail because you chose to focus on your career earlier in your life. 99% of assisted reproduction is completely out of your control. It is not your fault, and blaming yourself is only going to make you feel worse, not better. Denying or not acknowledging the stress of the situation will only make the situation more stressful. Keep working with your therapist, and if you need to, go back on the anti-depressants. They are completely safe. Since prozac first hit the market in the early 1980s, hundreds of thousands of kids whose moms took anti-depressants during pregnancy have been born with absolutely no ill effects whatsoever. If your dr and your therapist agree that they are safe for pregnancy, then trust them. You are paying them for their expertise, their education, their experience and knowledge - take advantage of that. You deserve to have access to every tool in your toolbox to help you through this. And take as long as you need to before thinking about round 2. It is certainly not a decision to be made lightly, and another month or two is not going to mean the difference between pregnancy or not. As Dwrgi said, it takes a long time to come to grips with the fact that something we all pin such high hopes to didn't work the first time out of the gate. And you will feel much stronger and better able to handle the rigors of another try if you give yourself the time and permission to grieve (and be pissed off) that this one didn't work. As Winnie the Pooh so wisely said, you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

FM, I'm off to your journal next....

I know I had other things I wanted to add, but I can't remember them now. I'll always be around here, even if I'm just lurking in the shadows like a ninja (but I promise not to use my nunchuks on you lot! ). I love you, ladies.

 

[missyt]

HA, I'm so glad you popped in and thank you so much for the encouragement. It means a lot. I'm also happy your dad is doing well. Between my day, your dad and purple's dad, its been a tough last few months.

AFM, I got the worst news possible from my RE today. He is dropping me from the shared risk program and suggested donor eggs. He said I have diminished ovarian reserve. I'm still shocked and confused. I didn't know where else to turn to other than you girls right now. I told him that I don't understand because he told me my embryos were excellent quality. He asked again who told me that and I said he did and then he made some excuse about how he didn't want to give me bad news or something since the cycle was already happening. Then I asked DH if he remembered the embryologist telling us the same thing the day of the transfer and he said yes. So I guess two people at the clinic lied to me. This RE wasn't even there the day of the ET since it happened in a different location. The clinic is big and has several doctors and several locations. I don't know who to believe. I'm just still in shock. I bawled the whole way home. On top of all that once DH and I got home and started talking he asked if I'd want to do donor egg. I said I didn't know. I said all I know is that I wish we could have our own children naturally. Then not 2 hours after we get home I catch him on the clinics website looking at pictures and profiles of the egg donors!!!!! I lost it! I completely lost it! I just can't believe how insensitive he was. That was the worst thing possible he could've done to me right now. I haven't even processed all of this yet adn I feel so betrayed by him.