TTC 1st child 35+ (Please spoiler any PG news/announcements).

[MommyToBeIsMe]

Missy, I’m speechless. I’ve know doctors with bad bedside manners but have never heard of such an unbelievably unprofessional doctor. “Didn’t want to give you bad news???” WTF? Doctors are bound by oaths to be truthful. Doctors have to give bad news every day. Something is not right here. I know that some REs will not want to take on a risky cases in fear it will hurt their success percentages (appalling, I know) but this doesn’t even sound like that. I see you live in Maryland. My advice would be to go to the clinic and obtain copies of all your medical records. Make sure you have everything from the embryologist and the RE. Then call another clinic. Say you wish to speak to the nurse or the physician and tell them your story. Ask them to take a look at your records, that you would like a second opinion. Do not make any decisions based solely on this one SOB.

As for you DH immediately looking at donor eggs, I think he was doing whatever he thought would make everything better. I know I don't know you or your DH but putting myself in your shoes, if I was devastated, I know my DH would do whatever he could to make me happy and to give me what I want. He’s actually doing that, he’s taking vitamins he doesn’t believe in, wearing boxers even though they "bunch" and switched to body wash even though “guys use soap”. Men are very pragmatic. You really want a baby and you were told the problem is your eggs. So to fix the problem, he’s going to find you other eggs. I really believe that he’s just being a guy and trying to solve the problem. They don’t get that what we really need is to be held and told that everything will be okay. That’s why we ladies are here for you. Missy, everything is going to be okay. It’s a mess at the moment; you will get it sorted out. If I were you I’d go to your DH, explain that all you want from him at this moment is for him to hold you. That you don’t want to discuss future plans tonight, you just want his arms around you. I bet if you tell him what you need from him, he’ll give it to you in a NY minute.

Tomorrow, get your records, get a second opinion. AND, call your ob/gyne or FP or whoever referred you to this guy and tell them exactly what has happened. Do not let any other women be referred to him again. But for now, cry and go get a hug.

 

[skye2010]

Missy, I'm so sorry for all this surfacing after that appointment. I know you are very sad and emotional right now but please don't blame your husband or yourself with this. Men and women have different way of reacting to bad circumstances and he might be as sad and confused as you are. You need each other more than anything at the moment.
As for your RE I really believe before you take any decisions you should do a good research on the internet on the clinics that has better success rates. Than it's worth taking all your results and seeing a clinic who have better results with lower AMH numbers. It is true that AMH is not the only indication but you can take it as a guideline to compare results. Or it could be the older age criteria. Yet what happened in your IVF isn't very convincing to me was due to your bad egg reserves. Because women older age and diminished reserves can still get pregnant if they have a very good stimulated cycle. Basically all your eggs that you can produce should be a good size and they should all be a similar size to give you a good chance of having good quality embryos. Some clinics are definitely better both at stimulation and have a better embryology lab. Even the way the eggs are handled makes a huge difference to the result. From what you wrote your clinic sounds like they are very lax and not very much on the ball. They get their facts wrong and give mixed messages. They are also using a hard sale technique to get women through the door but do not deliver what they promised in the first place. They have taken you on board on money back guarantee and they should have done all the investigative tests they find necessary before they signed you on. Also 6 IVF's is quite many. If they are offering 6 before paying your money back that slims the chances of them doing that ever really. (Some couples may even give up after 3-4, or they might find another reason along the line to drop them) I think a good confidant clinic should rely on it's reputation more than any sale technic at all. From the receptionist to the nurses and the embryology dept everyone should be attentive to your case and have a unified response. This only happens in places where the main RE is very precise and controling over every individual step and every individual woman. You pay loads of money to take their expert advise as Laura mentioned. He can't lie to you to make you feel better. Or not be knowledgable about your case when he talks to you. He has to be focused. Hope you can clear up these question marks asap. Many hugs

HA I'm sorry I didn't know you had your dad's cancer scare hovering over your head. That is very worrying. I'm glad it turned out to be less progressive than you worried about. I really hope this just remains as a scare and he gets better test results in 6 months.

Lois NHS can do these test but my understanding is that they try not offer it to women who has fertility issues. If they do they limit it to women under 35, who has multiple miscarriages or other undrlying issues. Because these tests and the tx costs them quite a bit. What I find the most frustrating about the whole NHS infertility issue was that they did not tell me exactly what I am offered yet what I can get privately that could improve my chances. Hence at 36+ they didn't tell me the whole waiting process could take me up to or more than 2 years. A friend of mine was 38 when she started. By the time she had her turn for the tx she was almost 40 and only had time for 1 cycle of IVF. Now she will go private yet 2 years of waiting made a difference on her egg reserves. Also some private clinics offer diagnostic tests (chromosome test??) for mc's. I'm sure NHS hospitals are capable of doing that too yet they don't offer it to every mc must be due to budget issues. But it would make a huge difference if they would discuss the possibilities and the benefits.Than it would be up to the individual to chose to get this done elsewhere. All in all women are at a loss of information about their bodies and it takes a long time and energy trying to figure out what went wrong, what can be done to improve it. A simple "Your eggs are no good" is an awful excuse. Letting women wait on a limbo is also pretty bad.
Amanda saying all this GP's do offer thyroid function test. And al the rest is worth mentioning cause you never know your star might be in the lucky house that day ))
I will comment on your post tomorrow since I am on one of my insomnia posts. I got quite excited that you mentioned all this. The info you gathered is exactly along the lines of what I know and experienced. xx

 

[skye2010]

MTBIM, you definitely voiced what I felt about Missy and DH's conflict better than me. xx
Missy sweetie I hope you get over the shock soon, weigh your options carefully and make a good action plan xxx

 

[Madeline]

Hi everyone

popped in for a quick check to c how everyone is going, time is limited at this end as I have an exam coming up.

Purple I am so sorry that you are going through such a tough time with your Dad right now. I know there is nothing i can say to take away the overwhelming emotion you are going through.... I have gone through a hard time myself with my Dad (who had aggressive cancer and survived) and from that experience all I would like to say is in case you feel guilty for taking care of yourself please don't because the more time you give yourself to remain upbeat and optimistic the more you will give back to your Dad. I will be thinking of you both xx

Missy, I read with amazement at your most recent experience and how it was handled by the so called professionals being paid to provide you with the best service and care. I wanted to first of all say I am sorry, poor lovely Missy, you are going to be ok, there is nothing wrong with you, sometimes life puts little obstacles in our way but one way or another you will be a wonderful parent. Please do get a second opinion and let us know how you are going. xx

I hope everyone else is going well, I haven't had the time to catch up on everyones news yet but I will. Everything is quiet here I don't think our attempt this cycle will result in success but I don't mind, we will try again at Christmas. I have lost 6 cm off each thigh, 3cm off my rear and 7cm from my waist so far. I am encouraged by that but there is a long way to go Have a lovely weekend everyone.

Madeline xx

 

[dodgercpkl]

Missy - I'm so sorry that you got in with a douche of an RE. I agree wholeheartedly with Skye and Mommytobe. Don't take this as the final answer. This guy sounds like a bad used car salesman. Ugh. I want to punch him severely for putting you through this. Get your records and get a 2nd opinion.

 

[NorthStar]

Missy I'm so shockened and saddened for you that this idiot has said this stuff to you.

ITA with MTBIM in that something doesn't smell right here, you were told in the begining that your eggs were fine and it was borderline male factor, now they tell you a completely different story, and a doctor doesn't tell you the truth earlier to spare your feelings? Please that is just not feasible Take some time to recover but please do seek another clinic, because this just doesn't sound like a good place to me. You had a gut feeling about it and the doctor that was bad, trust your instinct here.

I was also concerned about this mind body infertility connection but HA put it better than me, this IVF journey is ultimately one of science, if it doesn't work it's purely down to the treatment or a biological factor, not anything that has occurred in your past and nothing you are feeling could affect the outcome

 

[purplelou]

Dear Missy, your RE is a terrible doctor!! no one should ever be lied to to avoid upsetting them. It sounds to me like they simply changed their minds about treating you and now he is backtracking and saying this about your eggs - and that is surely not ethical. I am so mad and upset for you. I would make sure and get copies of your notes so you can look through them yourself and take them when you decide you'd like a second opinion.

I would agree with the other ladies, it sounds like your DH was just trying to help, do a bit of research in order to be a bit knowledgable and know what to say, my DH would probably have done the same. I am sending you a ton of allow yourself some time to digest and gather your strength, big loves xxxx




HA - I am so glad to see you around xx and what good news about your dad. you are right, prostate cancer is so common in older men, that often men die of very old age having had it for years and years and never knew. in the UK, PSA is done much less than in the USA, and when men are offered/asked about it they are fully counselled that it may show something that could be worrying, but never affect them. it's not even considered a screening tool here at present for that very reason. may your dad continue to feel well and healthy and enjoy life for many many years to come. as for not being able to offer support - you already did with your post, so thank you for that. I didn't know that melanoma could return after such a long time either! it's good sometimes to have a break, so take whatever time you need and enjoy your family and other things and we will be here and thinking of you, ninja lady. big loves to you xxxx

will be back in back to write more xxx

 

[Dwrgi]

Missy-I am sending you huge hugs and am willing a big warm cwtch around you to make you feel better. What a dreadful state of affairs, but, if you ask me, this guy has done you a favour, because he sounds absolutely appalling-a complete liar who makes it up as he goes along, and that is why he has been caught out so many times. I agree with MTBIM completely-get your records, and go elsewhere! The fact is that with an amh of 0.5 you managed to produce what was it, ten eggs, and that two fertilized? That is terrific, don't lose sight of this FACT! As Skye said, you need to find a clinic that specialise in "low" amh and let them sort you out. You know that your body responded to the stimms, and you even got as far as the 2WW. This guy is a complete waste of space-you had an instinct about him, and as North Star said, follow your instinct. You didn't trust him at the beginning, and you were right not to. What he has done is completely inethical, and I might even be inclined to approach the US governing body for IVF clinics (whatever they're called) and report them for inethical practice.

In the meantime, this is a set back, that is all. As Skye suggested, do your research into good clinics for low amh, go and meet them, tell them how well you did on your first IVF and see who you feel comfortable with. It's not over for you yet, hun, and this way you will find a clinic that you are comfortable with and who you trust, which is absolutely essential.

I just cannot believe the crap that we girls have to put up with-it is completely astonishing. Yet, every setback should just makes us more determined to succeed-we will come out of this as truly strong, empowered women, and you will Missy!

Try not to push your DH away-I agree with the other girls, he was probably just trying to find answers for you. He could have waited, but that's men for you-they just don't get it. So, we need to tell them. I would have gone mad too, but I would probably have been looking for a 'punchbag' to vent my feelings and despair. Tell him how you felt and get him on side. Just remember we are from Venus, heaven knows where they (men) come from....... They need to have lessons in our language!

Am so sorry that you have been so upset, but I honestly think that this will turn out for the best-you weren't happy with this idiot, and now he has made the decision easier for you. Get your records and say bye bye to the little jerk and his clinic.

Lots and lots of love to you, you'll get through this hun, I knows it love!! (As my OH's classroom cleaner used to say!!!).

 

[Butterfly67]

Missy, this is complete BULLSH!T!! Like MTBIM said doctors give out bad news all the time and there is no way a reputable doc would have lied. And anyway, how come you produced so many eggs and they fertilised???

Try and look at this in some small way as a positive, you don't have to use this idiot again and you can go somewhere else where they treat you right and you get a good result.

Also agree about the men - they just want to fix stuff, they don't do this intentionally to hurt but he just wants to make this right

Massive Missy

 

[Dwrgi]

Skye-huuuuuuni! How are you doing? I hope that you are not lying awake in the middle of the night worrying about this that and the other!!! I hope that you are managing to rest as much as you can, and I think that eating mince pies is a very good way of doing this.... Plus, as a British advert declared a few years ago, when a pregnant woman was worried about the weight she'd gained, her husband told her not to worry, that she was keeping the baby warm!!! And I'm sure Shirin will thank you for that as it is soooooooo cold here now!!!

Take it easy hun, thinking of you lots,
Axxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[lavalux]

Missyt,
Everyone has said what I would like to say, just much better than I surely could. That RE is a complete prick (and a few other words). Get your records and find another clinic & doctor you can trust. As for your DH, he sounds just like mine. I agree that they often need to be told when to listen & hold you and shift out of "fix it" gear but he loves you very much & together you will come through this challenge and expand your family.

Hugs to everyone ... hope y'all have a nice weekend!

 

[missyt]

Girls, thanks so much for all your support. I'm still trying to wrap my head around all of this. I'm remembering the phone call I had with the RE when he called me at work and said that the 2 embryos fertilized nicely and they would be putting those two back in. I asked him if they were good quality and he said, "No, not good quality. EXCELLENT quality. We rate them on a scale of 1-5, 1 being the highest and yours are 1's". And DH recalls the embryologist the day of the ET saying they were high quality. I just don't understand. I think its a money making scam and they are trying to push something on me that has a higher success rate to make their clinic look better. I found another clinic somewhat close to the area. I am going to request my medical records and go there. In the meantime, we are just going to try natually. Its just all a bunch of BS. I've never had such devastating news in my life.

 

[dodgercpkl]

Missy - I'm so glad you've decided to get your records and get a 2nd opinion. If I could kick that guy in the face for you I would. How dare he be so cruel in such an already stressful situation! Ugh. He shouldn't be allowed to practice.

 

[Dwrgi]

Girls, thanks so much for all your support. I'm still trying to wrap my head around all of this. I'm remembering the phone call I had with the RE when he called me at work and said that the 2 embryos fertilized nicely and they would be putting those two back in. I asked him if they were good quality and he said, "No, not good quality. EXCELLENT quality. We rate them on a scale of 1-5, 1 being the highest and yours are 1's". And DH recalls the embryologist the day of the ET saying they were high quality. I just don't understand. I think its a money making scam and they are trying to push something on me that has a higher success rate to make their clinic look better. I found another clinic somewhat close to the area. I am going to request my medical records and go there. In the meantime, we are just going to try natually. Its just all a bunch of BS. I've never had such devastating news in my life.

You must remember Missy that this guy is a complete cowboy-don't be devastated by his news, as he has freed you from his clinic. You know yourself that the embryos were top quality, and you are capable of achieveing a pregnancy. Nobody can take that fact away from you. I think there are a lot of inethical practices out there who simply want to see the cash rolling in, and not care about each individual patient. It is excellent news to hear that you will get your records from them, and go elsewhere, and get the support and the assistance that you need and would expect as a minimum level of service.

This guy and his practice is a joke-you are well rid. Remember what the RE said about your two A1 embryos, and not on what this guy is trying to suggest to you about your circumstances. Put it down as a notch on a steep learning curve and move on! In the meantime, have something lovely planned for yourself this weekend, pamper yourself and forget about this nonsense.

Huge hugs to you hun, I was checking for your post, and so glad to hear you back to being so pragmatic! You're an inspiration!
xxxx

 

[missyt]

dwrgi, I feel like such a mess. I had a panic attack last night and DH had to take me to the hospital. I can't believe how hard all this is. I used to be a fun, happy go lucky person. Now I'm a depressed mess and I just feel really old. I hate that I'm being negative with you guys but you are the only ones that understand. Thank God I have my furbabies. They knew how upset I was last night and would not leave my side. I love them so much.

 

[Butterfly67]

dwrgi, I feel like such a mess. I had a panic attack last night and DH had to take me to the hospital. I can't believe how hard all this is. I used to be a fun, happy go lucky person. Now I'm a depressed mess and I just feel really old. I hate that I'm being negative with you guys but you are the only ones that understand. Thank God I have my furbabies. They knew how upset I was last night and would not leave my side. I love them so much.

It's amazing how the furbabies can sense this type of thing. So sorry you are feeling like this, wish I could take some of the pain away

 

[twinkle1975]

Missy - we're all here for you & you can talk to us about ANYTHING!!! xxxx

 

[lavalux]

Missyt .... you are not old and you haven't lost that fun, happy-go-lucky side, it may just be in on a mini hiatus because you are going through a very high stress situation that would weigh down anybody. I am so sorry you are feeling anxious, but I think that is normal. You will feel better when you check out that new clinic and map out your next steps, I promise. But, in the meantime, have a relaxing weekend with your husband and furbabies and try to get back in touch with the more carefree & confident part of your personality. Take a ride, or a hike, go look at Christmas lights, out for dinner & dancing, get a good buzz on & have let your DH seduce you just for the fun of it (or just cuddle and drink hot chocolate ... with some Bailey's in it if you are sick of the sex thing) ... do whatever takes your mind off of this recent mess with the cowboy RE. Then when you are feeling better ... which you will ... you can regroup and come up with a new plan, at a new clinic, but don't give up. They diagnosed me with "diminished ovarian reserves" too so all that terminology is just BS sometimes and used by REs to cover their own asses. Just be kind to yourself. We love you and are here for you!!!

 

[onmymind17]

Missy, honey i dont post much anymore, but i am still here, and OMG, honey dont you DARE let that dumb ass stupid piece of crap make you feel bad about yourself, you need to plaster it everywhere that people can see so that other women dont go to him, what a total jerk, i wonder how many other women he has "Dropped" from the program because they did not get pg right away and improve his numbers!!!! I am glad your going to get a second opinion, but please honey dont let him upset you, you did have good eggs, and you reacted very well, that so called doctor is messing with people. As for your DH, honey i know he loves you, and i know the other ladies feel like he was trying to help, which he probably was, but i also know how very much that had to hurt, like he just dismissed you and did not care if it was your baby only that he could have a baby, my DH did the same thing to me, i felt like all he wanted was a baby and it did not matter if it was any part of me, but after i talked to him i found out he really wanted the baby to be us, but was looking at donor eggs, because he knew how much i wanted a baby and was trying to make that happen. Make sure you talk to your DH and tell him how you felt, he was trying to fix something just a bit too soon. I am sending you tons of hugs, and please dont think your negative, this is shock and sorrow your feeling right now, and rightfully so, stupid little piece of crap, man i would so love to just walk up to him and punch him!!!

All my lovely ladies, i send you warm hugs, and lots of love!!

 

[Nikki Leigh]

I just want to post to show love and support for Missyt. I can't say anything better than has already been said, but you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Thoughts and prayers also for FM (I pray for a painless adoption, or whatever the Lord has in mind for you), HA, OMM (I just read your blog, so I'm up to date on what's been going on). Happy thoughts for Lava and Skye! Hi to Twinkle, Butterfly, Dwirgi, Purple...oh Lord, who did I miss? I'm sure a lot, so hugs to all.