TTC 1st child 35+ (Please spoiler any PG news/announcements).

[Dwrgi]

Thank you so much!

Just had an email from my consultant and she says, considering my symptoms, that results won't change by tomorrow and to stop the progesterone and oestrogen.

 

[HappyAuntie]

Oh hun!

I think Lou said it so well - this is not your fault, even though I know it feels that way... you have no control over your ovaries - it's just shitty shitty shit.

We are all here for you, and with you, for as long as it takes.

 

[HappyAuntie]

And as for wishing you'd done things differently, I think we all have things we'd have done differently if we knew then what we know now... for me, we wouldn't have waited so long after #1 to try again, we would have jumped straight to IVF after our rmc workup, etc.... When those regretful thoughts come, try to remember to counter them by reminding yourself that, at every step of the way, you made the best decision you could at that time.

 

[caroleb73]

Hi girls!!!

Thank you all for asking about me. AF is getting stronger and stronger and I have the worst period pain ever . I know that it is all over-I knew last week when I had no symptoms, but I kept on hoping. When I started spotting, I knew it wasn't a good sign, and now that it is increasing, not abating, well it says it all, really, doesn't it? I shall test again tomorrow, as that is my OTD, but I know that I shall see a single solitary line, like always.

I feel completely devastated, and so bad for my OH and so frustrated by how pants it all is. I knew we had to have another go at IVF as otherwise, it would have been a case of wondering what if? But now it's time to face facts that I'll either have some miraculous perimenopausal baby, or have to consider egg donation and adoption as very real options. It's time to wake up and smell the roses.

I have googled why embryos fail to implant, and the general consensus seems to be pointing towards older eggs. AMH does not give an indication of egg quality, but quantity, but it makes sense that the older I am, the harder it will be. And, as I don't have as many eggs to play with, then it's about hoping for that miraculous 'wonder' egg. I am still hoping that I shall get a natural baby, but it's about when and how!!!

I feel awful for OH as he wanted this to work as much as me, and he is desperate to be a dad, as I am to be a mum. His sample was positively stratospheric so this is all down to me and my old body. It is such a huge responsibility because we're not talking about being able to take him away for the weekend, but about being able to make a baby with him. And clearly I can't. Oh if I hadn't wasted all those years doing stupid NHS tests, and sitting on a waiting list, but just gone straight to the big guns, I am sure the outcome would have been so different. But, no point regretting anything, as the time has gone now.

How I feel now is that I want to get blind drunk, and hump for Britain! I want to scream and shout and tell the whole blasted world to F&&k off (apart from my lovely friends on here, of course). People just have no idea, and around me there are classrooms of teachers who have no idea about how truly sh*t I am feeling now. Of course, we don't talk about infertility do we?

I know that the clinic did everything within their power, so it's good old Mother Nature that has let me down. I so wish that we'd had a decent cycle last summer so that we could compare the results of two IVF treatment cycles, rather than one, but this is not possible. We can keep throwing money at IVF, and I'm sure that, like Celine Dion, if I did six or seven or eight cycles, I'd get a BFP but who has the money for this? So that is the reality.

Today, I am in work as we have parents evening tonight (I missed the last one two weeks ago, as I'd just had ET), but tomorrow, I am going to take that test, see the single line, and just stay at home. I don't give a sh&t if they want to sack me. There are far more important things in life.

Thank you all so much for your support and encouragement and kind words. I wouldn't have been able to do this, without you. And I really mean that. We all deserve to be mums; if my body won't let me, I have to explore unpalatable truths that I may never have previously considered-DE, adoption,etc. That is the reality for me, at this stage.

Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer. I'll be here for you all, as always!

Lots and lots of love,
Amanda
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hey Dwrgi firstly I am sending you the biggest hugs and cuddles that I can and wish I was living in the UK so I could jump in the car and give them to you in person.

Please please please do not blame yourself and your "old" body, which is not the case. Yes it does get harder as we get older but it is not impossible and you have not let your DH down at all. You were in this together and I am sure he is just as upset for you and how you are feeling as you are for him. Men like to feel they can make it all better for their wife and with fertility that power is taken away from them so it hits them hard. After all man is supposed to be powerful and take care of his family, that is how they are brought up.

I think you need to take some time out for yourself get drunk, eat too much and do all the things that you were not allowed to do whilst on treatment. I know I have said it before but IVF is so horribly tough that others just couldn't begin to imagine you put your heart, soul and a whole lot of money into something that has no certainty because we are so desperate for a baby. There is nothing wrong with that as you said you needed to try again so that you would not have regrets but I also understand you not wanting to do IVF again. After my 2nd attempt and falling so ill I decided I did not want to go through it all again although DH wanted me to try another 2 times at least. It is a personal decision that only you know when you are done with medical intervention.

That said honey I want you to know that there is still a chance that you will get your miracle, sometimes things happen when we least expect them and I am hoping and praying that this is the case for you.

I say sod the job tomorrow, stay at home cry and wail when you need to and put you first. Make absolutely no decisions about your future now just let life happen and think about it again in a few weeks time.

It really upsets me that I cannot do more for you ladies and make all the nonsense and pain of infertility vanish. It is such a terrible and lonely thing to deal with and you are right Dwrgi not enough people talk about it as it is still far too socially taboo. I know I am now very lucky but when I read your posts like yours today Dwrgi it brings it all back to me like it was yesterday the years of crying and hiding away from social situations and feeling hopless and broken. I will always route for each and every one of you as after my experience it has taught me there is always hope for each and everyone of us.

Be kind to yourself Dwrgi and we are here for you whenever you need us

 

[Asryellah]

Oh no Amanda
I wish I could be there to hold your hand

I know I don't have the right words for you, but I believe there is a bigger plan for us and the path we need to walk, plan for us to use all of our strength into things we need..Some seem to get it easy, but life will even it out. We will see it when we're ready to leave this world. I believe there is a lovechild for you, he/she is waiting for you and will come naturally, adopted / donated egg whatever you will decide to do. But he will come.

give time for yourself to mourn, you've got eachother and we are here for you.

 

[LilSluz]

Oh Dwrgi!!!! Your posts are so heartbreaking it has brought me to tears! I'm sooooo sorry, honey, I'm at a loss for words right now

Don't you dare ever worry about being a downer bc we aren't just here for the "good times" or none of us would be on this thread! And if you want to haul off & type out every cuss word that exists in the world, if it helps, I'll give you a few!!!! Throw it at us!

If you want to get drunk, then get drunk, cuss & scream at the world, cry w/DH, have an insane moment of laughter & then cry again - whatever you need to do to get it out. You have been through so much & I think a lot of us feel like we've been through it w/you, although we could never, ever know exactly how you are feeling right now. All we can do is tell you that we are here for you & we love you & we support whatever it is you decide to do whenever it is you decide to do it!!!

I can't send enough big to you!!!



P.S. - F work, they'll get over it & if they say anything further, you tell them what happened & where they can stick it....

 

[Butterfly67]

Oh hon I wish I could just come up and get really drunk with you (wouldn't take much tbh!) I am so so sad for you and wish things could be different. But yes, like the other ladies said, you have to believe that you did what was right at the time so don't berate yourself for not doing IVF earlier

I also believe that you will get your whether that be by a natural miracle or some other means, but you will get there xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[drsquid]

dwrgi- im so so sorry. id say dont blame yourself but we cant control how we feel. i felt better after i "self punished" for a few days (super careful diet without treats , working out etc). sounds crazy but that works for me better than pampering, lets me get some feeling of control back.

 

[dashka]

Dwrgi - my heart is crying for you.... I am SOO sorry that you have to go through this... I wish there were words that would help but I know all you need right now is big giant hugs and a shoulder to cry on .... I hope DH can be with you as much as possible now and that you get some time off work to go through this.
It is NOT because of your age!!! Please don't blame yourself as you did everything you could to make this happen. This doesn't mean it's not going to happen for you. I have been trying for 10 years too and often blame myself for not doing certain things earlier but then other things in my life would have taken a different direction ...

We are here for you -so vent all you like - Scream from the hilltops... and hug hug hug your DH as much as you can... You are in this together...
You SOOOO deserve this and it will happen...Take as much time as you need but I know your miracle is around the corner.

xoxo

 

[Asryellah]

I just saw this quote " you can't see the view if you don't climb the mountain" I guess we all are on our journey up the hill.
It can be hard but we'll make it, and how great it is to see all you ladies being so wonderful and supportive to eachother

And we are all around the globe here, climbing the same mountain!!!
I wish I could meet you all one day You are all so special

 

[tigerlily1975]

Oh, Dwrgi, I'm so very, very sorry. I was wishing soooo hard that this was your time. Life it complete bo**ocks, it doesn't make any sense at all. Forget climbing Mount Everest, this is the most difficult journey any couple will ever take.

As for work, I'm with everyone else, just f**k 'em! As one of my friends says, you get no thanks when you go to work feeling like s**t! In fact, you should go see your GP and get signed off for a couple of weeks. What you've put yourself through, both physically and emotionally is heart-breaking, you need time to cry, drink, scream and think. Just do whatever you need to do to try and get through this and recharge your batteries for the next step.

For now, you've a great bunch of gals here who are here for you no matter what; come and yell and vent and we'll hold your hand whilst passing you a tissue. You and hubby look after yourselves and have a big ol' glass of wine, or two... or three..

Super massive and love to you,

C xx

P.S. Love to all, of course!

 

[Lady H]

Oh Dwrgi, I am so so sorry Huni. Seriously big hugs from me. Do what the fek you want sweetie, you say sod it to everyone else except you and your DH. Xxxxx

 

[missyt]

Amanda, don't blame yourself. This is not your fault. And stay away from google. Everyone is different. IVF is a game of chance. Its not even a 50/50 shot. I think most of us would be happy with a 50/50 shot but the odds are nowhere that high. You aren't too old either. I so hope you get Julia's book like right now. According to her 40 is young. You are a young, beautiful, vibrant woman. Don't forget that. I really think that we put too much faith in the doctors, procedures and what society and google tells us. You need to gain faith in yourself. I know it probably doesn't seem possible right now. Stop defining yourself as a number. You aren't a number or an egg or a test result, you are Amanda, one of the funniest, wittiest girls I know. I hate that you are hurting. I remember being in that spot and it sucks! Big time! Like the other girls said, go splurge on yourself or do whatever you want to give you a little satisfaction. I can picture you opening the windo and yelling out, "F*ck you!!!!!". Do it and then post and tell us about and then we can all have a good laugh. I so wish I could give you a hug. I can honestly say that nothing has felt worse to me than a failed IVF so I can understand your pain. You need time to grieve and then you can pick yourself up again. Natural conception is always an option and don't you think differently. I love you, girl.

 

[agape love]

Dwrgi....so sorry to hear this but all the ladies are right....take your time and always remember you are special and unique because you are you and not some statistic. This is a great forum and the support is amazing. This is a marathon and we are all equipped to get what we seek - whatever way that is accomplished. Standing in prayer for you and take care of you.

 

[Asryellah]

Oh yay it's friday again do you guys have any nice weekend plans?
I've been trying to get OH in the mood for some serious time, I haven't been out to party (seriously) since december but we'll see...

Hope you all will have a great weekend whatever you are planning on doing

Amanda, how are you today? you are in my thoughts.

 

[purplelou]

I am soooo happy it's friday
your plans sounds great Asry!
I was hoping for some more time in the garden but the forecast isn't looking too wonderful at the moment - but who knows, maybe things will improve

I hope everyone is well today!
giant squishy loves and for everyone!!! and a few extra's for Dwrgi and HA (just because ) love you all xx

 

[Dwrgi]

Oh guys, you are just THE best group of people ever! I have never felt such support and love in my whole life and I am really touched by every single one you and your words of encouragement. I am sending HUGE virtual and to each and every one of you. I hope you all have a fabulous weekend, you so deserve it!

I am feeling amazingly sanguine about it all-don't quite understand why, but I think it's the relief of knowing one way or the other. I realise that is what I DETEST about IVF, or any assisted conception, the waiting and not knowing. I feared it was all over last Friday and had zilcho symptoms. I could have run a marathon (apart from the fact that I can't run ten paces) as I felt nothing. I had a complete meltdown, and that is, I suppose, when I started to grieve it's over. My poor Al kept hoping and was hit hard yesterday, and it breaks my heart to see him like that. So, we went to the seaside and had a double cone ice cream from the booth that he loves. I'm sure it was a willing substitute (not) but it's just being kind to each other, I suppose.

I have TERRIBLE period pain, and had no sleep last night. Was thinking of what to do next. One thing is for sure: for now, I do not want to PICK any conception book up, or get my calendar out, or do anything remotely TTC. I am just physically and emotionally exhausted. I'm sure this is normal! My lovely Dept Head excused me from Parents Evening last night and I have phoned in sick today. Got to go in next week cos of piggin' GCSE classes, but only 4 days so it will be good to get back to normal.

I am VERY interested in DE scenario, but can't face the prospect of another treatment just yet. It is clear that these old eggs just don't want to play ball.

I just wanted to say to you all, and a huge thank you for your support!

Love you all,
Axxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[LilSluz]

Happy Friday Everyone! Just wanted to pop in quickly -

Asry - going out to a party sounds wonderful!!! You have fun & good luck w/those stims

Purple - Hope the weather clears for you for this weekend! I can't even keep a cactus alive, but gardening sounds so serene & probably looks fab!

Dwrgi - You are truly special & you are handling this whole thing very well I'm glad you have a break today & this weekend & then are looking forward to getting back to work. Take some painkillers for that pain & just relax right now. You must be exhausted from all of this so take a nice long break & then look into alternative treatments like DE (I think that sounds wonderful). What does the clinic say in all of this (egg quality, implantation probs, etc)? You have a wonderful weekend

I can't write anymore right now as I'm on 4 hrs sleep & can't think a proper thought. Maybe after some more extra-strong . I hope everyone has a wonderful Friday & a GREAT weekend!!! You ladies are so special!!!

 

[Dwrgi]

Happy Friday Everyone! Just wanted to pop in quickly -

Asry - going out to a party sounds wonderful!!! You have fun & good luck w/those stims

Purple - Hope the weather clears for you for this weekend! I can't even keep a cactus alive, but gardening sounds so serene & probably looks fab!

Dwrgi - You are truly special & you are handling this whole thing very well I'm glad you have a break today & this weekend & then are looking forward to getting back to work. Take some painkillers for that pain & just relax right now. You must be exhausted from all of this so take a nice long break & then look into alternative treatments like DE (I think that sounds wonderful). What does the clinic say in all of this (egg quality, implantation probs, etc)? You have a wonderful weekend

I can't write anymore right now as I'm on 4 hrs sleep & can't think a proper thought. Maybe after some more extra-strong . I hope everyone has a wonderful Friday & a GREAT weekend!!! You ladies are so special!!!

And so are you, Lil!!! Why 4 hours sleep? Doesn't sound good....

Hope the coffee does the trick, Axxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[twinkle1975]

Fuckshitbollocks!!!! Sorry I haven't been around for a few days - crazy busy week - Amanda I'm SO sorry petal.

The other ladies have said everything so well - so I'm just sending you big hugs. Have you got the Easter Holidays after next week? Can you take some time out?

Love to all of you xx