well ladies -
tonight was really depressing. i walked over to the store to get a test and took it in the bathroom AT the store because I couldn't stand hubby being around when i took it. anyway, it was BFN. so i walked home and hubby still doesn't even know that i tested so life was carrying on when i walked in the door, all happy and cozy, which is great but... idk, just depressed tonight. i realized on the way home that it's been 2 and a half years now of trying for a third baby. except for a miscarriage in the middle of that period (about a year and a half ago).
i guess i just realized it's been a long time to be trying for a couple that is young healthy and have otherwise (at least before now) never had a problem with making babies. what the heck is wrong? why can't i get pregnant? then i feel guilty for feeling bad about it - i have two beautiful girls, how can i complain when i am SOOO blessed already? there are those who cannot have their first baby yet. so i keep going through this cycle of: depressed - guilty for feeling that - depressed - guilty for feeling that.... blah blah
sorry for such a long post, but i don't want to talk to hubby. i just want to keep it to myself this month. because it kills me that his reaction after so long of trying will probably just be a disappointed shrug and an "it's ok babe, we'll get pregnant soon, don't worry". he's sweet and he wants this too - but ... he doesn't feel the kind of (what's the word?) ... grief ... that i do when the test is continuously negative. maybe because men don't have biological clocks banging in their ears like drums. i don't think he really "gets" how panicked and sick inside i'm starting to get as time marches on and we still don't have the big family we dreamed of when we got married. Our favorite movie is even "Cheaper By the Dozen" (the original) and we kind of laughed that that would be us someday, and we wanted it to be. but now... it's looking more and more like we will never have that. maybe it sounds silly, but i desperately wanted a LOT of kids, a big house full of laughter and stuff going on all the time. i'm blabbing aren't i?
sorry gals, thanks for reading, i'm gonna go do dishes or find somewhere else in the house to generally just... hide.. for awhile until i cheer up.
i hope you're all doing well, and i hope you get BFPs this month
i just can't help being angry and depressed every single day, i forgot how to smile..that's so sad..who's having a depression like me ? 
Amy. Welcome!!!!!
So my fingers are crossed for you. 
